by Helena Halme
‘Me too,’ Kaisa said.
Kaisa’s sickness passed overnight, and she put it down to a tummy bug she’d picked up in the pool at the submarine base. She stopped going for a few days and instead, while waiting to hear from the Anglo-Nordic News, began reading novel after novel. She’d now read all of the books Doris Lessing had written and began reading one of Peter’s books called Couples by John Updike. Kaisa was terrified of his view of marriage. Were love affairs really inevitable in a marriage? It seemed other couples didn’t talk to each other about anything either. Or was it that they only discovered new dimensions in each other through sex and infidelity? What really happened to the love Kaisa originally felt for her old fiancé in Finland? Would she also stop loving Peter at some point? It scared Kaisa and she talked about the book to Peter. They were in bed and the rain was beating down on the windows outside.
‘What if we, too, stop loving each other?’ Kaisa said.
‘It’s just a book,’ Peter said and turned over.
When Kaisa woke, Peter told her he’d had a dream in which she’d left him and gone back to Finland. Kaisa looked at Peter and saw he still had sleep in his eyes. She hugged him and told him that she too had had a vivid dream, in which Peter had disappeared into a secret building wearing his uniform. No foreigners were allowed inside. They laughed about their absurd dreams together and made love. Then Peter had to get dressed and go to work.
Twenty
Kaisa wasn’t going to be anything big at the Anglo-Nordic News. They didn’t want her. They didn’t even want to interview her. The lady at the agency had been very apologetic on the phone, but after she’d heard she wasn’t wanted, Kaisa stopped listening to her. She put the phone down and cried a little.
Kaisa felt she was being left out of the life going on outside their damp, cold house in Smuggler’s Way. She needed to be occupied. Her mind wandered to Rose and the job in London and for a while she allowed herself to daydream about a typical day in the Soho office. Suddenly in the scenario, Duncan popped up, taking her to lunch in some swanky London place. For a crazy moment, Kaisa wondered what it would be like if she’d said yes to Duncan’s advances in London and they’d become lovers. Perhaps that’s what she needed to do, have an affair with Duncan? She brushed the mad, and bad, idea aside. What she really needed was a job. Why wouldn’t anybody employ her? She knew there were thousands of reasons; there were always explanations. It wasn’t personal, it wasn’t that Kaisa was useless, worthless. But she felt unwanted, oh, so unwanted. And alone. She missed Sirkka, and her mum. Only yesterday she’d called her mother and had only just managed to hold back the tears. They hadn’t even talked about anything in particular, only about their dog, Jerry. He was getting very old and her mother was worried about his hearing. That had set Kaisa off immediately, and she had to end the conversation abruptly. Luckily, Peter had been on late duty and was not there to witness Kaisa weeping over a dog.
When Peter came home on Friday, he was full of smiles. He flung open the door, and threw his cap on the sofa. ‘Fancy going out for a drink with Stef and Tom? He’s just come back and I saw him in the Wardroom today; we agreed to meet up. Isn’t that nice?’ Tom was still on HMS Tempest, and Kaisa knew Peter liked going out with him and gossiping about his old boat. It would be nice to see Stef, too. Hopefully with Tom home, there’d be less baby talk.
Kaisa had done nothing of any importance all day, and was so bored she just wanted something to happen. As usual, she took her frustration out on Peter, but he was very quiet and hardly said a word to Kaisa.
‘Let’s just go out and meet Stef and Tom, Kaisa,’ he pleaded with her. His eyes were dark, and he looked tired. Was that all it was, or was he punishing her for some reason by not arguing with her. His silence and conciliatory tone made Kaisa even angrier. Because it was alright for him, wasn’t it? He was pursuing his chosen career, he was doing well, and he kept telling Kaisa that. Whereas Kaisa wasn’t wanted; she was an outcast. Earlier that same day when she’d gone for a walk, just for something to do, not one person had said hello or spoken to her. The only wife on the estate she knew was Phoebe, but she wasn’t part of a group she’d seen chatting together at the bottom of the hill. The women had looked at Kaisa sideways, and had grown quiet when she passed. She suspected their husbands were senior rates, and somehow they knew Kaisa was an officer’s wife. Or perhaps they knew she was foreign and didn’t want anything to do with her?
‘Did you say hello to the women?’ Peter asked, when she told him about the incident.
‘Of course I didn’t!’ Kaisa said sharply. Too sharply. Peter always made everything to be her fault. ‘They looked at me and didn’t say a word. Actually they looked away from me as if I was a leper!’ she shouted.
Peter was quiet. He was getting undressed, pulling his uniform trousers off and revealing his white boxers with the tight buttocks that Kaisa so loved. When he took his socks off, he sniffed them before flinging them into the bin. Kaisa couldn’t help smiling at the absurd gesture. ‘Are you smelling them to see if you could re-use them?’ she said. It was a common submarine joke that, when at sea, the sailors used their underwear at least twice, wearing socks and pants inside out the second time around. Peter spun around quickly and, sensing her mood change, scooped her up and tumbled onto the bed with her. ‘My cheeky little Peanut!’ He started kissing her, but Kaisa protested, ‘We’ve got to go, there’s only half an hour until we need to be in the pub.’ But she soon gave in to him, and afterwards they had to hurry so as not to be late to meet Stef and Tom.
In the car, as they drove along the rainy seafront towards The Ardencaple, Kaisa thought what a good man Peter was. She knew she was a drain on him, but sometimes it was so difficult to reach him. The only way to force him to react was a row. Kaisa tried to remember that the reason she was argumentative was because she had nothing to do in Scotland, and because of her unhappiness there was no room for Peter’s feelings. But he was the only person Kaisa had to talk to. All the same, she didn’t think they talked enough. Certainly they went to bed enough, and it could well be that sex would save them. But Kaisa often felt separate from Peter and preoccupied when he was with her; sometimes, she had to admit to herself, she just went through the motions in bed. Lately, when Peter said, ‘Promise me you will never leave me,’ she couldn’t reply. She couldn’t make a promise like that.
Perhaps Kaisa wanted Peter to go away again, so that she could dream and long for him? Was that how their relationship would work? Was that what their love was made of – missing each other? Kaisa looked at Peter’s profile, as he concentrated on parking the car in front of the white-clad pub. He was a handsome man and she loved him, but she knew both of them kept pretending that all was well, and knew it wasn’t. Kaisa was unhappy. There, she’d said it. To herself, silently, at least.
Stef and Tom were full of smiles, and Stef, who by Kaisa’s calculations must have been more than eight months gone, had a big bump underneath her mohair jumper. ‘I don’t fit into any of my ball gowns, so goodness knows what I’ll wear for the Christmas Ball next week,’ she said. Kaisa had already decided she was going to wear her burgundy dress, which she hadn’t worn in Scotland before. She had only two evening gowns, and really she needed a third one, so that she could ring the changes. You couldn’t wear the same dress every time.
Seeing how happy Stef and Tom were made Kaisa wonder about children again. Would it really be so bad if she got pregnant now? On the way back in the car, she mentioned a baby to Peter, but he said, ‘Look darling, you must believe me, you will get a good job one day. Something will turn up, I promise.’
‘You think so?’
‘Yes, I really do.’ They’d arrived outside the house, and Peter took Kaisa’s face between his hands and, looking deep into her eyes, added, ‘And you know I will support you, whatever you decide to do, don’t you?’
Kaisa nodded. Peter took her into his arms and squeezed her tightly. If only Kaisa could believe what Peter had told
her.
Twenty-One
HMS Restless was home. Peter had told Kaisa that morning in the car, on their way to the base for a swim. Once they got through the gates, Kaisa noticed how busy Faslane was. There were uniformed men milling around, walking briskly from one low building to another.
‘And don’t forget the Christmas Ball next week,’ Peter continued. ‘It’s strange that it’s in November, but it’ll be great because both the port and starboard crews will be able to attend for once. Oh, and your admirer will be here, too!’ Peter said, and squeezed Kaisa’s knee.
Even though Kaisa knew exactly who Peter meant, she had to know for sure. ‘Who?’
‘Duncan!’ Peter turned his head towards Kaisa and grinned. ‘He’s coming up tonight for the attack teacher course – so he’ll be staying on for the ball.’
Kaisa’s heart was beating hard, and she didn’t want to say anything in case her voice betrayed her feelings. She told herself not to be so silly, and just said, ‘Oh,’ trying to sound non-committal.
Duncan said he’d stay on the base, but he’d already told Peter he was looking forward to seeing Kaisa. Peter smiled wickedly. ‘I’ll have to keep a tight hold on you so that he doesn’t steal you away from me.’ He tried to kiss her on the mouth while driving the car but Kaisa brushed him away. ‘Watch out, you’re a dangerous driver!’
‘Oh, so after a few lessons, you’re the expert,’ Peter laughed.
When they arrived at the base, Peter stopped the car outside the sports centre to let Kaisa out. ‘Really, please don’t say anything to Duncan about me. It’ll be embarrassing,’ she said.
Peter nodded and kissed Kaisa on the mouth, ‘Scout’s honour.’
Kaisa got a lift back from the base with Phoebe, who was a lot slimmer in her jeans and Barbour jacket than when Kaisa had seen her with the baby. At home, Kaisa looked at her wardrobe and thought the burgundy ball gown looked a bit shabby. She couldn’t wear her old black-and-white one again, because she had worn it to the Ladies’ Night in Pompey with Duncan. Besides, it was far too summery with its thin straps and light fabric. But where could she go to buy a new one? But more than the gown, the prospect of seeing Duncan kept playing on her mind. She was looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure.
The ball was at the base, in a massive room decorated with red flowers and satin drapes. There was a large window with a beautiful view over the hill leading to the Gareloch and, even though it was dark, bitterly cold and rainy, with a threat of snow in the air, the water looked enticing in its blackness against the harbour lights below. Kaisa and Peter bumped into Duncan almost straight away, in the back bar, and discovered they were sitting at the same table as him, along with Stef and Tom.
‘You are looking lovely, as always,’ Duncan said and kissed Kaisa’s hand. Kaisa blushed and looked down in an attempt to hide her face. The wet mark left by his lips caused a burning sensation on Kaisa’s hand, and she put it through Peter’s arm to try to get rid of it. Duncan didn’t have anyone with him, so he placed himself on the other side of Kaisa and they stepped into the dining room together. Stef and Tom were already sitting down and Stef was glowing in her green taffeta dress. Her breasts were larger than before and she was showing a large tummy underneath the folds of her gown. She whispered to Kaisa, ‘Got this yesterday in Glasgow. I couldn’t resist it when I saw how my boobs looked in it.’ Kaisa had not felt she could spend money on a new gown. Once she’d tried the burgundy one on, she realised she’d lost weight with all the swimming. Her slimmer figure made the dress fall nicely off her hips, and she was happy with the way she looked.
After the meal, which was a lavish buffet set along one long wall of the room, Duncan put his arm over Kaisa’s chair, and bent his head down, close to her ear, ‘How about a dance?’
Kaisa could feel his hot breath on her neck and her heart skipped a beat. She looked over to her other side, where Peter was in deep discussion with a fellow officer from his new boat. ‘I’m going to have a dance with Duncan,’ she whispered to him and, after giving her a quick glance, Peter waved his hand, ‘I’ll see you down there.’
A disco was set up in the Wardroom downstairs. Luckily they were playing fast songs, so Kaisa didn’t have to dance close to Duncan’s body. She giggled while dancing to ‘Come On Eileen’ by Dexys Midnight Runners, remembering the first-ever submarine dance she’d been to with Peter. It was for the whole of the ship’s company, and when they’d played the same song, the sailors had gone wild for it. A couple of the young sailors had bought Kaisa drinks, and when Kaisa had asked why they kept bringing her gin and tonics, Peter had replied that they wanted to get her drunk. ‘They think they might have a chance with you.’
‘But you’re here,’ she’d replied and Peter had squeezed her hard and kissed her on the lips in full view of everybody and replied, ‘Indeed I am.’
She was conscious of Duncan’s pale blue eyes on her, but whenever she looked up, his smile was just friendly – there were none of the passionate looks he’d given her during the Ladies’ Night in Portsmouth, or when she’d stayed with him in London. Soon they were joined by the others, and their group – Stef, Tom, Peter, Kaisa and Duncan – danced and laughed together late into the night. Even Stef and Tom stayed till late. Although Stef didn’t get on the dance floor, she sat at the table, sipping her drink, and grinning at the rest of them. They were one of the last groups to leave the party. Peter and Kaisa said goodnight outside the base and stepped into one of the taxis waiting to take the party-goers home.
On the way, Kaisa thought how relieved she was that Duncan had acted normally. She also thought of Stef, who’d asked her to come and visit once Peter had gone away. Kaisa couldn’t help but be a bit jealous of Stef’s house and her pregnancy; at the same time, the thought of being pregnant now, when she still hadn’t taken the first step on a career ladder, made her shudder. Or perhaps it was the inevitable rain beating down on the windows of their minicab?
The next morning, Kaisa spent most of the day watching the swell on the loch and trying to read another novel by John Updike. She was more than a little hungover, and couldn’t concentrate on anything else, like applying for jobs. She wondered how Peter could go to work after so much to drink and so little sleep, but he’d got up at the usual time and, careful not to wake Kaisa, had left for work at 8am. Kaisa’s thoughts kept going to Duncan. Neither he, nor Peter, had said whether he was staying another night in the Wardroom, or whether he was going back to Portsmouth today. She knew he was based in Pompey, appointed to a sub that was in refit there, but she hadn’t asked him what his schedule was. She hardly knew what her own husband’s movements were, so it would have seemed odd if she’d started asking questions about Duncan’s. It had been nice to see him in any case, she thought, but she decided to stop obsessing about him. They were all good friends, and it was obvious that Duncan had got over whatever fixation he’d had on her.
The weather had changed dramatically while she’d been sitting in front of the loch, reading John Updike’s Marry Me on the awful blue-green sofa that you couldn’t get comfortable on. Unlike the characters in Updike’s novel, Kaisa had never felt that marrying somebody should be compulsory, quite the contrary. Her parents didn’t manage to stay together, so she’d been determined never to marry. Yet, somehow she’d got herself engaged to be married at sixteen, to a man seven years older than her. Matti, the dependable Matti, had given her security and been a father figure, she could see that now. After her parents’ awful divorce, she had been numbed and afraid and needed someone to care for her. Looking back, she and Matti had shared a strange relationship. Kaisa was so young, and he was so much older that he was like a teacher to her. And Kaisa had craved that. Matti was such a traditionalist. He and his strong mother wanted Kaisa to be prim and proper. That didn’t last long – it was so against everything Kaisa believed in.
Even though she really was too young to know better (and Matti old enough to understand that Kaisa couldn’t poss
ibly know her own mind), Kaisa was ashamed to have let Matti down so badly. He’d been convinced they would marry as soon as she’d finished her studies at Hanken, have children and grow old together. If she was honest, even before she’d met her handsome Englishman, and fallen head over heels in love with him, Kaisa had known the relationship with Matti wasn’t honest on her part. She’d been ready to leave, but she’d made a promise she didn’t want to break. She was now ashamed that it took another man to make her see sense. Sometimes it felt as if she was just a pawn, a prize being passed from one man to another, or like a pet going from one owner to another.
After Kaisa left Matti and Helsinki, she’d gone to live with her mother and sister in Stockholm for six weeks. There she’d felt as if she had regained her independence. When Kaisa had returned to Helsinki to finish her studies, she was a new person intent on removing all pain and distractions from her life. She’d decided to finish with Peter, for a while at least, so that she could rethink her life in peace. But Peter had convinced her, during a long phone call, of his love. He pleaded with her to give him another chance. So she had. It had been flattering and she sometimes wondered if that was why she’d stayed with the long-distance relationship. Because Peter seemed to love her so much?
Now Kaisa just felt too tied to him, to his career, and to his world. There was nothing of Kaisa here, nothing of her own. There was just Peter and his job, which always came first. Without work, Kaisa would have no chance of surviving on her own in Scotland. At least when she was working at IDS in Portsmouth, she had a life, and a job. Here in Scotland she lived in Peter’s shadow and it didn’t suit her. However much Matti had tried, he’d never turned Kaisa into a ‘little housewife’, who lived her life through her husband, so how would Peter think she’d be content with that? Kaisa remembered their visit to Lucy and Roger in Edinburgh, before she married Peter, and how afterwards she’d told Peter she’d never be a Navy wife like Lucy. Peter had replied, ‘I bloody well hope not.’ But now, it was as if Peter had forgotten about those few days they’d spent in Lucy and Roger’s married quarter.