by Helena Halme
Phoebe greeted her with a smile, and almost immediately gave baby Millie to her. ‘Can you hold her for a moment while I see to the other two.’
When she came back, Phoebe asked how Kaisa was coping.
‘Fine,’ she lied and rocked the lovely little girl in her arms. She was fast asleep, a dead weight on her lap.
‘She sleeps too much during the day and not enough at night,’ Phoebe said, and added with a sigh, ‘I think I should put her down in the cot.’
Kaisa handed the baby over.
When Phoebe came back downstairs, Kaisa said, ‘They’ve been away exactly three weeks today.’
Phoebe lifted her eyes to Kaisa and regarded her for a moment, ‘This one will be the shortest one because it’s over Christmas.’
‘Really?’ Kaisa said. Before he went away, Peter had told Kaisa that this patrol could be as short as six weeks, but that it could also be ten weeks.
‘They’ll be back right after the New Year.’
‘Why?’ Kaisa asked.
‘Because it’s so hard on the families.’ Phoebe tapped the side of her nose and smiled, ‘I didn’t tell you that.’
Kaisa was silent, thinking that now she had less time to prepare herself for facing Peter after what she’d done. She shuddered.
They were sitting in Phoebe’s tiny kitchen, which was the same size as Kaisa’s even though Phoebe had three daughters, whereas Kaisa only needed room for her and Peter. But Phoebe had five bedrooms to Kaisa’s three, because Bernie was a Lieutenant Commander and senior to Peter.
Kaisa was sipping a coffee that Phoebe had just put in front of her, thinking how weird her life had become. She now had no control over where or how she lived anymore. But stranger than that, neither had any of the other Navy wives Kaisa knew. It seemed such a medieval or Victorian way to live. Once again, Kaisa wondered how an earth she’d got herself into living such a life, when Phoebe, sighing, said, ‘I almost forgot, I’ve got to talk to you about something.’
Her friend looked tired and her hair was uncombed and sticking out in all directions. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a roll-neck jumper. She pulled the arms of her jumper over her hands, and put them around her hot mug of coffee in a vain effort to keep warm. All the married quarters the Navy owned were desperately cold; the heating didn’t work at all well and Peter had told Kaisa it was very expensive. In Finland, all flats were heated centrally, so Kaisa never had to consider how much her heating bills were. In England, she’d got used to wearing several layers indoors in winter, even in Pompey, so today she wore a thermal vest, a brushed cotton shirt in a light-blue check and a bulky navy-blue jumper over stonewashed jeans. Peter called the clothes her ‘dressed like a boy’ outfit, but Kaisa didn’t care how she looked; just as long she was warm.
‘I hear you’ve been a naughty girl!’ Phoebe said, giving Kaisa a serious look.
Kaisa looked up at her friend, but couldn’t think what to say.
‘You had a man staying with you a couple of nights ago!’
‘How did you …?’
‘Oh, someone saw him come out of your house,’ Phoebe said, and added, ‘I hear he’s quite handsome, too?’
Kaisa’s heart was beating hard and she could feel her cold cheeks redden. Trying to sound nonchalant, she said, ‘Oh, he’s just an old friend of Peter’s. He’s on a course up here for a few days and they’d messed up his accommodation, so …’
The sound of the baby alarm interrupted her. ‘Right,’ Phoebe said and got up. ‘Could you keep an eye on the two in there while I fetch Millie?’
‘Yes, of course!’ Kaisa said, relieved the conversation was over. She shot up so quickly that she spilled some of the coffee on the table. The baby was now crying fully and the noise from the baby alarm filled the kitchen. Kaisa took a dishcloth from the basin and said, ‘Sorry, I’ll wipe it up.’
Phoebe stood in the doorway, resting her body against the frame, ‘Look Kaisa, this is none of my business, but be careful. The wives get very bored here and for some of them the best thing since sliced bread is gossiping. Innocent or not, another man leaving your house in the morning after obviously spending the night alone with you while your hubby is away is manna to their bored minds. And don’t mention it in the Familygram will you? It’ll only worry your hubby.’
* * *
The 6th of December was the coldest day Kaisa had yet experienced in Faslane. It was a week since Duncan had stayed the night, so Kaisa braved the swimming pool at the base. The pool was almost empty; only one other woman was swimming slowly up and down the lanes. Kaisa lowered herself into the water and started swimming. She loved the feeling of her powerful body in the water. For once, her long limbs and strong legs seemed to have a purpose as they propelled her from one end of the pool to the other. At school, Kaisa used to win swimming competitions, even in the sixth form, when most of the girls in her class shunned the pool because they didn’t want to show off their bodies. Kaisa wasn’t good at gymnastics, so the pool was the only place where she felt she could excel. Kaisa had all but forgotten her love of swimming during her studies at Hanken and since marrying Peter, but here up in Helensburgh she came for a swim every day but Sunday – missing a whole week had been difficult.
After twenty lengths, Kaisa decided to go to the sauna. When she was getting out of the pool, she saw a pair of feet planted squarely in front of the ladder. Kaisa looked up and saw Duncan, wearing a pair of navy-blue swimming shorts, bending down to give her a hand out of the water. As if she needed it! He had a wide smile on his face when he said, ‘I thought it was you! Some of the chaps said that a Nordic beauty was swimming here and I thought it could only be you.’
Ignoring his stretched-out arm, Kaisa stepped nimbly onto the tiled surface surrounding the pool. She bent down to retrieve her towel from a bench by the wall, and quickly covered herself up. ‘Hello, Duncan.’
‘I’m not going to get a kiss?’ he said and bent his head towards Kaisa.
‘You know I can’t …’ she moved away from him and hit the cold steel arm of the steps leading into the water. Duncan took hold of her arm, ‘Watch out, you mustn’t slip.’
Kaisa looked at his hand on her wet arm and for a moment they stood still without speaking. The warmth of his fingers burned her skin. Kaisa didn’t know what to say, and wished he’d just go away. Eventually she moved her arm and pulled the towel tighter round her body. She lifted her eyes to his face. ‘I didn’t know you were still up here.’
‘I’m taking the sleeper down South tonight,’ Duncan said, and added softly, ‘unless …?’
There was a long silence again.
Kaisa started shivering.
‘You’re cold,’ Duncan said and stretched out his arms towards Kaisa. She had nowhere to go; the pool was right behind her. Suddenly she remembered the old lady and wondered if she’d seen them, but the pool was empty. There was just a couple of male lifeguards at the other end, talking to each other. Kaisa couldn’t hear what they were saying so she assumed they couldn’t hear them either. Kaisa breathed a sigh of relief, took a step to the side and started walking towards the ladies’ changing rooms. ‘Nice seeing you Duncan,’ she shouted behind her and waved to him.
Once safely inside the changing rooms, Kaisa went straight into the sauna and, still shivering in spite of the heat, poured two ladlefuls of water onto the stones. There was no one else inside and she was glad that on one of her visits with Peter she’d convinced the friendlier of the two lifeguards that the sauna needed steam. Slowly Kaisa’s body stopped trembling and, feeling brave, she spread her towel on the top bench, took off her swimming costume and let the steam and heat caress her body. Suddenly tears started running down Kaisa’s face. What had she done? Why had she been so stupid?
Driving home, Kaisa realised it was Finland’s Independence Day. She thought about home and how everyone used to light white and blue candles in their windows at six o’clock as a quiet mark of respect for those who had been killed in the wars
against Russia. Or that’s what her father had told her when she was little. Flags would have been flying all day all over the country, and in many cities there would be firework displays later that night. She remembered that Sirkka had sent her a pair of traditional white and blue candles as an early Christmas present. She’d light them at exactly 4pm, which was six o’clock in Finland. No one would know why there were two candles alight in a married quarter in Rhu, but that didn’t matter. Kaisa knew she was marking her country’s independence and that was enough for her. How could she almost forget this important day? The candles were tucked away in the house somewhere. At least Kaisa could be patriotic, even if she was a bad person in other ways.
Twenty-Five
Kaisa got a phone call from Pammy late one evening, a couple of days after the incident with Duncan at the Faslane pool. She said she wanted to know how Kaisa was doing.
‘I’m just looking out for you,’ she said. She’d been to an antenatal class, where Duncan and Kaisa had been mentioned over coffee afterwards. Her heart racing, Kaisa asked, with as calm a voice as she could muster, who was spreading these rumours about her. Pammy’s reply shocked her, ‘Love, they’re not rumours now, are they? Duncan did stay the night with you when he could quite easily have stayed with me, or in the Wardroom.’
Pammy told Kaisa that Nigel knew Duncan. They’d been at RNEC Manadon, the naval engineering college, at the same time. Kaisa had no idea and wished Duncan had told her. Kaisa knew this was the same as being university friends, so it was surprising – and suspicious – that Duncan hadn’t contacted Pammy.
‘He even came to our wedding,’ Pammy said.
‘Perhaps he didn’t know Nigel was stationed up here?’ said Kaisa.
Pammy was silent at the other end of the phone. After a while she said, ‘Oh, he knew alright, but …’
Kaisa had another thought, and interrupted her friend, ‘If he had stayed with you, it would be you all these bored women would be gossiping about.’
‘Well, I guess so, but you know you are …’
‘I’m what?’ Instead of shame, Kaisa began to feel anger welling up inside of her.
‘I’m an old pregnant cow and you’re a tall Scandinavian beauty!’ Pammy was laughing now and Kaisa joined her.
‘You’re not old!’ Kaisa said too quickly, and realised she should also compliment her, so added, ‘and you are very attractive, too!’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ she said, and added, ‘but Kaisa, you can tell me, did anything happen with Duncan? Because if it did, you know it will come out …’
Kaisa tightened her grip on the receiver. She considered what she should say to Pammy, and then replied, ‘Of course not! What do you take me for?’ She hoped her voice was as light as she intended it to be.
‘In that case, this’ll blow over, before the boys come home, I’m sure of it,’ Pammy said and started talking about her pregnancy, which wasn’t going so well. She’d had some bleeding, but the midwife had told her she’d be alright as long as she rested and didn’t lift anything heavy. ‘So now here I am in bed, laid out like a beached whale.’
Kaisa offered to do her shopping and agreed to go over to her house after her swim the next day. Kaisa decided she’d make her something nice to eat, perhaps her vegetable quiche or mushroom soup.
That night Kaisa could not sleep. By midnight she was still lying in bed, wide awake. She couldn’t take her mind off what people were saying about her. How soon after the boat was back home would the wives tell their husbands, and how soon would the tale reach Peter’s ears? How would Peter react? Would he believe the rumours, or would he think them funny, as he had done before when there were rumours about her and Jeff, and laugh them off? Kaisa put the light on and, sitting up in bed, grabbed her pen and letter-writing pad and began composing a letter to Peter. Although she knew he’d not get the letter until he came home, she wanted to set down her side of the story. She wanted to keep the tone light, just telling him that Duncan came to Faslane and stayed over in their house, and that now there was gossip about it, just as there was gossip in Pompey about her and Jeff. She started three times, but gave up. She couldn’t find the words to tell Peter about Duncan. She knew it was because she’d never lied to Peter before.
The next day Kaisa drove over to Pammy’s after a really long swim. When she parked the car outside her house, which was on the road below Kaisa’s, towards the Loch, she saw that Pammy’s flower-patterned, Navy-issue bedroom curtains on the second floor were still drawn. Kaisa glanced at her watch and noticed it was nearly ten o’clock. Surely she wouldn’t still be in bed? Kaisa rang the bell and, when there was no answer, she tried to look through the kitchen window. Kaisa’s doorbell was broken, so she thought Pammy’s might be, too. There were some dirty dishes in the sink, but the room was empty and dark. Kaisa shivered. It wasn’t raining that morning but the clouds were low and threatening and there was a chill wind, which caught her hair, still wet from the pool. Kaisa pulled her Barbour jacket more closely around her body and walked back to the car. While she sat there, wondering what to do, a woman she didn’t know ran towards her. Kaisa wound down the window and, before she could ask what was up, the woman said, ‘You looking for Pammy?’
She wore a thick cardigan with muddy walking boots and dark-red, woolly tights under a tweed skirt. Her accent was northern, but Kaisa couldn’t place it. ‘She was taken to hospital first thing this morning,’ she said. ‘I’m Annabel, by the way,’ she added and reached her hand inside the car.
Annabel told Kaisa they’d just moved to Helensburgh, and that her husband had joined the HMS Restless starboard crew, and that he, too, was an engineer. ‘We asked if she wanted us to go with her, but she said no. She started bleeding heavily last night and called the ambulance herself.’
‘Oh, no,’ was all Kaisa could think to say.
The woman, Annabel, regarded Kaisa for a while.
‘You’re married to Peter Williams, aren’t you?’ she said.
Kaisa nodded. Heavy drops of rain had begun falling onto her windscreen.
‘Look, do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?’ Annabel said.
Kaisa looked over to her house. A little girl stood at the open front door, hugging the neck of a large black Labrador. The child and the dog were watching Annabel’s every move.
‘No, no, I think I’ll go and see Pammy.’
Again Annabel’s eyes were on Kaisa for a long time before she said, ‘Look, I think her mother is flying up from London today, so …’
‘OK, coffee would be lovely,’ Kaisa said and ran inside Annabel’s house out of the now pouring rain.
The house was filled with warmth. Although there were still many cardboard boxes stacked in the corner of the large living room, the space itself was so much more homely then Kaisa’s house, or any of the other married quarters she’d been inside. Annabel had a large three-piece suite covered in light yellow fabric in the centre of the room (not Navy issue), with blue velvet curtains hanging either side of the large bay window. The Navy issue dark mahogany dining table was replaced by a pine suite, with a beautifully carved pattern on the backs of the chairs, reminding Kaisa of furniture in Finland. Annabel had even hung curtains in the kitchen, made out of yellow-and-navy striped cotton fabric. While she made the coffee and produced chocolate-covered Hobnobs from a yellow biscuit jar, she said, ‘Please excuse the mess, we’re still unpacking.’
‘What mess?’ Kaisa thought, following her into the lounge and sitting on the comfortable sofa.
Annabel told Kaisa how her husband had been woken up by the ambulance arriving and how they’d spoken with Pammy, who’d been conscious but upset. It seemed Pammy had phoned her mother in the middle of the night when the bleeding had increased, and her mother had convinced her to phone the duty doctor at the base, who in turn had called the ambulance. Annabel said they hadn’t talked about it, but it looked as though she may have lost the baby.
Kaisa wondered how long Annabel had known Pammy. S
he was beginning to realise what a small world the submarine service was. Peter had told her that most of the officers knew each other, so why wouldn’t most of the wives know each other, too?
Kaisa was so sad for Pammy. She’d told Kaisa that she’d had many miscarriages before, and Kaisa knew how much she wanted a baby. During their trip to Glasgow she’d told Kaisa how happy she was to have got past the three-month mark, because she’d lost all the other babies during the early stages of her pregnancy. Pammy’s midwife had also told her that it was much less likely that she would lose her baby once her pregnancy had passed three months.
At home, looking at her empty, but cluttered living room, Kaisa slumped on the uncomfortable sofa and looked at the Gareloch veiled in a wall of steel-grey rain. She felt so sad for Pammy, but also for herself, a feeling she knew was selfish and egotistic. She hadn’t just lost a baby, but she felt down because she’d done something stupid and unforgivable. Something so bad it could make her lose Peter forever.
She opened a letter she’d found on the doormat as she got in. It was a card from Stef ‘announcing a new arrival’ – a little girl, born on the 6th of December, 1984. Kaisa decided to mention on her congratulations card that the baby was born on Finland’s Independence Day. She found it hard to know what to write on such cards, so she was glad that for once she’d have something unique to say.
Kaisa decided to drive into Helensburgh to buy and post Stef’s card – just for something to do. On her way back, having missed a turning, she found herself on the road to the base. There was another peace rally outside the fence. Kaisa’s car was the only one to be stopped, and when she peered at the group, Kaisa noticed the same pregnant girl that she and Peter had seen before. It was only her and three other women and two men holding an old piece of sheet with the words, ‘Free Scotland of Nuclear Arms – CND’. There were hand-drawn flowers and a round, yellow smiley face surrounding the slogan. The small group stood in the middle of the road and the women sang while the men drummed a slow beat on worn-out looking tambourines. Kaisa remembered Peter’s hostility towards the protestors but, looking at the women and men in front of her now, she couldn’t understand why he hated them so much. The other wives had exactly the same reaction to the anti-nuclear protestors as Peter.