by Helena Halme
‘Yeah,’ Kaisa replied. She put the kettle on, with her back to Peter, playing for time.
It was Tuesday night and Peter had been home for five days. He’d been working for the past two days back at the base, getting the sub ready for the starboard crew, while Kaisa had been washing and ironing clothes, ready for their trip down South to see Peter’s parents.
‘Did you see him?’ Peter asked.
‘Yeah, he came to stay when they cocked up his accommodation.’ Kaisa said and bit her lip. Had she sounded casual enough?
‘When?’ Peter’s voice was hard now.
Kaisa hadn’t been looking at Peter, but she knew she must, otherwise he’d know something wasn’t right, so she turned around and faced him, ‘Oh early December, I think it was.’ Peter’s expression was hard, his eyes were dark under his cap, which he’d not taken off yet. He was also still wearing his flannel Navy greatcoat, and his black boots. Kaisa could smell he’d been drinking. The rumour mill has done its trick, Kaisa thought and made an effort to stay calm. ‘Take off your coat,’ she said, keeping her voice level and busying herself with the kettle, ‘A cup of tea?’
Peter had disappeared into the hall and Kaisa heard him fling his boots hard on the stone floor. He sat heavily down at the small kitchen table and, speaking into his hands, which he held in front of him, said, ‘Kaisa, you have to tell me the truth. The guys at the bar told me that Duncan had been here overnight and that something had happened between you two. You know I don’t easily get jealous, but when I asked Nigel if he knew anything, he told me that you’d confessed it all to Pammy over Christmas, and …’ Peter’s voice broke, and he put his head in his hands.
Kaisa froze to the spot. How could Pammy do this to her? After all that she’d done for her? After she’d promised not to say anything? What kind of friend was she?
Peter was staring up at her. ‘Kaisa?’
Tears were streaming down Kaisa’s face, ‘Oh Peter, you know I love you.’
She went to sit opposite her husband and took his hands into hers. ‘Darling, it was a stupid, stupid mistake. I was very drunk and I missed you so dreadfully, and then he was here, and …’
‘Oh, my God,’ Peter said, flinging himself off the chair and walking into the hall. Kaisa stopped breathing. She could see Peter’s back shake, and knew he was crying. She went over to him and said, ‘Please darling, please, it meant absolutely nothing. I’ve felt disgusted with myself since, and I never want to see him again.’
Peter shrugged Kaisa off him. He put his boots back on, took his keys and banged the door shut behind him. Kaisa wanted to run after him, but she knew the neighbours would see her and witness their row, knowing what it was all about. She couldn’t let Max have the satisfaction of seeing that. She cursed the fish bowl they lived in, because she knew Peter, too, would have hated the neighbours seeing their domestic drama unfold. But when Kaisa stood by the kitchen window and listened to Peter’s car swerve down the hill, she knew she should have stopped him. He’d been drinking; what if he had an accident or drove into a ditch. Worse, he’d lose his licence, which would harm his career, or at the very worst … that didn’t bear thinking about. What had she done? What could she do now? Run after him? Or perhaps she should go next door and ask Max to go after Peter?
At 10pm, when Peter and been gone for four hours, Kaisa telephoned Pammy. She expected her former friend to be as hostile as she had been after Christmas, but instead Pammy said, ‘Oh, Kaisa I am so sorry. I told Nigel not to say a word and then he goes and blurts it out. He told me all about their session in the back bar.’
‘Have you seen Peter?’ Kaisa asked.
‘Why, what’s happened?’
Kaisa told Pammy about Peter storming out and how she was worried he’d been drinking and could have had an accident.
‘I’m sure we’d have been told about an accident by now,’ Pammy said. ‘I’ll get Nigel to go and scan the pubs in town. I’m sure that’s where he’ll be.’
Kaisa was beside herself with worry. She tried to sit in the living room and watch TV while she waited for Pammy to call back, but she couldn’t sit still. She paced up and down the room, stopping every now and then to listen for the sound of their little Ford Fiesta turning into the drive. At last, exactly 28 minutes after she’d put the phone down, it rang again.
‘Peter is OK. We found him in The Commodore. He’s really out of it, so we thought it best if he sleeps it off here tonight. Is he due at the base tomorrow?’
Kaisa collapsed on the floor. She covered her mouth with her hand, and tried to control her weeping. The relief she felt at the news was overwhelming.
‘Kaisa, are you there?’
‘Yes,’ Kaisa said with a strangled voice.
‘Oh, you poor love,’ Pammy said. ‘He’s alright now, but if he’s working tomorrow he’ll need to get changed before going to the base, so …’
‘Yes, he’s working all this week and on Friday we’re going to drive down to Wiltshire.’
‘OK then, I’ll get him to phone you tomorrow morning. Try to sleep Kaisa, and again, please accept my apologies. I’ve been feeling awful. You’ve been so good to me, and I know how lonely our lives are when the men are away. At least I have family in the same country, whereas you are all alone. So I really do understand how that thing could have happened, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. Will you forgive me?’
‘Yes,’ Kaisa whispered. She was slumped on the floor of the hall, holding tightly onto the receiver.
‘I’m so angry with Nigel. He had no business …’ Pammy continued.
‘No, the fault is all mine. And thank you for finding him. You’ve no idea …’ Kaisa broke down again, and they finished the call, promising each other to meet up the following day. ‘We’ll help you two to patch things up,’ Pammy promised.
When Kaisa had put the phone down, she let the flood of tears overwhelm her for a moment. She sat on the floor in the hall, crying. Suddenly realising she was shivering with the cold, she pushed herself up, wiped her face with an old tissue and went into the living room to turn off the TV. She switched off all the lights and went to bed, setting the radio alarm clock for 6am, so she’d have time to iron one of Peter’s uniform shirts and set out clean underwear for him before he got home. She knew he needed to be at the base at eight, so that would give her enough time, she hoped.
But she was woken up by Peter coming up the stairs before her alarm had gone off. He climbed into bed and held onto her, ‘I love you,’ he said.
‘I love you, too,’ Kaisa mumbled. She was fuzzy-headed with sleepiness. During the night she’d woken up to several awful dreams about Peter. In one he’d drowned in his car, in another Gerry from the peace camp had strangled him, and in the third, the final dream, she herself had pummelled Peter’s chest with her fists so that his body was black and blue. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she now said.
Peter took Kaisa’s face into his hands. ‘I’ve not slept for thinking about you and me.’
Kaisa was suddenly wide awake. She stared at Peter’s unshaven face, at his sad-looking eyes and the straight line of his lips. ‘And?’ she whispered.
‘I can’t live without you.’
‘Oh, Peter,’ Kaisa said and buried her head in his chest.
Peter took hold of Kaisa’s chin and made her face him, ‘But you’ve got to look after me and be good to me.’
Kaisa’s face crumbled, ‘Yes, of course I will.’ Tears were now streaming down her face, ‘Peter, I love you so much, no one else, I promise.’
They held each other for a while and then made gentle, unhurried love.
Afterwards Kaisa ironed a shirt for Peter, made him breakfast and told him she’d drive him to the base. They were running late, but Peter said it wouldn’t matter because both the Captain and the Jimmy were busy with the handover and they wouldn’t notice if Peter wasn’t in the Wardroom. ‘We don’t have much to do so we spend most of the time just spinning dits. That was
naval speak for telling tales, and Kaisa thought bitterly that this time it was she who’d be the butt of the jokes. As if Peter had read her mind, he said, ‘I won’t let anyone talk badly about you.’
There was steady rain falling from thick cloud as they drove in silence past the dirty-looking houses on the estate. Heavy rain discoloured the concrete and made the walls look as though they were bleeding. When they drew near to the peace camp, Kaisa spotted a few colourful jackets and woolly hats in the distance, followed by the clamour of pots and pans.
‘Bloody hell, I forgot it’s Wednesday,’ Peter muttered beside her. He had his eyes closed. He was wearing his cap on a slant, so that the black, shiny peak covered the top part of his face.
They were the first car to be stopped going north and, keeping the windscreen wipers going, Kaisa scanned the protestors for Lyn. She nearly jumped out of her seat when there was a knock on the car window. It was Gerry, gesturing madly at her to wind down the window. He was wearing a bright yellow raincoat, which was a couple of sizes too large for him. With his wide eyes, and wispy blond hair and beard poking out from the oversized hood, he looked like E.T. from the Spielberg film.
‘Good God, Gerry, you made me jump. Is Lyn OK?’ Kaisa said before she remembered Peter was in the car with her.
‘What the hell?’ Peter was now wide awake, sitting upright. ‘Who are you talking to?’
Gerry was standing outside in the rain. Water was dripping into the car from the edge of his hood. ‘Oh, so this is your posh Navy husband then? How does it feel being married to a murderer?’
‘Wait here,’ Kaisa said to Peter and, turning to Gerry said, ‘Shut up. Let me get out and we’ll talk.’ She wound up the window.
‘Kaisa,’ Peter said and went to grab Kaisa’s arm. She turned to him and said, ‘I won’t be a minute.’ Kaisa stepped out of the car, wrapping her Barbour close around her body. The rain was falling in a steady stream, and it forced Kaisa to pull her hood over her head.
‘Is Lyn OK?’ she asked again.
‘Yeah, she’s had the baby and it’s a boy, called Rory.’ Gerry was grinning now, and he had none of the angry craziness about him that Kaisa had become used to. Kaisa wondered, once again, if Gerry was the father of Lyn’s child. She hugged Gerry and the two of them began jumping up and down in the rain. Soon they attracted the attention of the police monitoring the demo, as well as the handful of protestors, who began whistling and whooping at them. The two police officers who’d been watching the proceedings from the side of the road, began moving towards Kaisa and Gerry.
‘Where is she?’ Kaisa asked.
‘In Glasgow. We took her in yesterday, and the baby was born last night.’ Gerry looked almost harmless now, with his wide grin reaching all the way to his eyes. Perhaps Lyn was right and he wasn’t dangerous after all, Kaisa thought.
‘Is this man bothering you, ma’am?’ one of the police officers now standing next to Gerry asked Kaisa.
‘No, I’m fine.’ Kaisa told the officer. ‘Send my love to her,’ Kaisa told Gerry. She gave him another hug and got back into the car.
‘What the hell was that all about?’ Peter said as soon as she’d closed the door.
‘They’re moving now,’ Kaisa said and restarted the engine. The inside of the windscreen was full of mist, so she wiped it with the sleeve of her jumper. Ignoring Peter and the stares of both policemen, as well as the other protestors, none of whom Kaisa recognised, she drove to the base in silence.
When she’d parked the car, Peter said, ‘Are you going to tell me what that was all about?’
Kaisa inhaled deeply and turned to Peter, ‘Don’t be angry with me, but I’ve become friendly with one of the women on the peace camp.’
Peter stared at her. He had dark circles around his eyes and his skin looked grey. ‘Are you crazy? Do you realise what harm that could do?’
‘No,’ Kaisa began, but she couldn’t carry on, as Peter interrupted her.
‘You are something, you are! First you sleep with one of my friends, then when you can’t sabotage my career with that, you sleep with the enemy, too! Don’t tell me that boy was another one of your conquests?’ he added sarcastically.
‘No, please, Peter …’ Kaisa tried to interrupt him, but Peter wouldn’t listen to Kaisa.
‘You know they are the enemy, right? That they are in contact with the Soviets, and that the info they supply to the other side could not only endanger a whole patrol, and the crew of the sub, but MY CAREER!’ Peter was shouting now.
‘They’re not Soviet spies, for goodness sake!’ Kaisa said. Even though her heart was beating so hard she thought she might faint, she let out a snort. The thought that the gormless (but admittedly scary) Gerry, or the caring Lisa, or the so recently pregnant Lyn for that matter, had anything to do with espionage was ridiculous.
‘You know absolutely nothing about it!’ Peter said. He’d raised his voice, so that a passing sailor shot a curious look towards the couple arguing in a misted-up car.
They were both silent for a moment while they waited for the man to pass. Then Peter continued, with a lowered voice full of contained rage, ‘It was enough of a test for my future in the Navy that I married a girl from a Soviet-friendly country. How do you think they will react to the fact that you are now fraternising with those Commies?’
Kaisa was stunned. She looked at Peter, who now took hold of her arms and, shaking her, shouted, ‘Answer me: what the fucking hell did you think you were doing?’
Kaisa lowered her head. What could she say? It was obvious that Peter’s career came first, and the relationship with her was secondary. Kaisa thought about the time before they were married, when Peter hadn’t told her about the problem presented by her nationality until she found out about it during a Ladies’ Night at the Dolphin base in Portsmouth. And then there was the long wait while Peter asked his appointer whether he’d be allowed to marry a woman from Finland and still be able to serve as a British naval officer. For months Kaisa had no idea where she stood, or whether they’d be able to marry and finally live together in England. She now wondered if Peter had already then been having doubts about their relationship.
Peter let go of Kaisa’s arms. ‘Right, if you don’t have anything to say for yourself, I’m off.’ Peter got out of the car and slammed the door shut. Kaisa sat in the car thinking hard. She’d taken her swimming stuff with her, but now she had no desire to get out of the car and into the pool. She felt numb, and had a weird sense that the last twelve hours had happened to someone else and not her. ‘A swim will do you good.’ She could hear her mother’s voice and tears started to run down her face. She sat in the car sobbing, until another man, this time in civilian clothes, passed the car park and gave her a funny look. Kaisa took a deep breath and wiped her face with a threadbare tissue she found in the pocket of her Barbour. Perhaps a swim was exactly what she needed, Kaisa thought, and got out of the car.
Thirty-Five
When Kaisa emerged from the changing rooms, she was disappointed to see another shape moving in the water. She usually had the pool to herself during her early morning swims. When the man reached the end of the lane, she saw to her horror it was Duncan.
‘We must stop meeting like this,’ he said, and grinned at Kaisa. Duncan was dripping with water. He’d got smartly out of the pool, using his strong arms, and was now standing in front of Kaisa in his swimming trunks.
‘What are you doing up here?’ Kaisa said.
‘That’s not a very nice welcome,’ Duncan grabbed Kaisa’s arm and planted a wet kiss on her cheek. ‘I hear you’ve been causing all kinds trouble here.’ Again, Duncan smiled widely at Kaisa. ‘My offer still stands, if you want to get away from it all.’
Kaisa wriggled free and wiped the spot where Duncan’s lips had touched her skin. ‘Please don’t,’ she said.
Duncan’s face grew serious, ‘Are you OK, Kaisa?’
‘No, not really.’
‘Look, I’m sorry …’ Again,
Duncan tried to grab Kaisa’s arms, but she stepped away from him. She looked around her, but thankfully the pool was empty. Even the lifeguard had gone somewhere else and, as usual, the viewing gallery was empty.
‘I just need you to go. Peter knows and he’s, well, he’s very angry.’
Duncan stood quietly in front of her for a while. ‘Right,’ he said eventually. ‘I thought it was just the rumours, you know, and that no one would know for certain.’
‘No, he knows,’ Kaisa said. ‘I told him everything.’
‘OK, right, well,’ Duncan grew silent again. He wasn’t looking at her, but down at his hands. They were wrinkled from the water, and his nails looked strangely white.
Suddenly Kaisa saw a door behind Duncan fly open. Peter stormed into the hall, fully clothed in his uniform trousers, boots and jumper. Behind him, the lifeguard was trying to stop him. ‘Sir, you can’t go in …’ But Peter would have none of it, and in a few seconds he’d got hold of Duncan’s arm. Peter’s fist hit Duncan’s face before Kaisa, or Duncan, could react.
‘You bastard!’ Peter shouted.
‘No!’ Kaisa shrieked.
Before Duncan could steady himself, Peter punched his stomach. Duncan fell into the pool backwards, making a horrible splash.
‘Please, Peter,’ Kaisa shouted. She tried to get hold of Peter, but he pushed her away and she lost her balance. As she scrambled to her feet, Peter dived into the pool after Duncan, who was now trying to swim away to the other side. The lifeguard madly blew his whistle and threw a lifebuoy into the water.
The two men ignored the whistle, and the lifebuoy, and began a desperate fight in the water. Duncan managed to push Peter’s head under, but Peter surfaced and hit Duncan’s shoulder so hard that Duncan fell sideways and for a moment his whole body went under.
‘Stop!’ Kaisa and the lifeguard shouted at the same time. Kaisa turned to the guard. ‘Aren’t you going to jump in?’ The man gave Kaisa a funny look, but did dive in. At the same time, three other men came running into the pool, and they, too, plunged in. They managed to get Duncan up and dragged him out of the water. He was coughing and spluttering, but seemed to be OK. Peter didn’t fight against the men, but swam between them to the side where Kaisa was standing. When Peter got out of the pool, Kaisa saw that he had blood dripping from his mouth.