by Elicia Hyder
He reached for her hand and drew it to his lips and kissed her palm. “No, I don’t want you to do that. I trust you.” He looked over at her. “Just be careful. I like David, but he’s still a guy. And he’s a guy that was in love with you for a really long time. I think he would have a hard time not being tempted if he ever had an inkling of hope.”
She squeezed his hand and smiled at him. “I promise to emit zero hope.”
He laughed. “I know.” After the song ended, he spoke again. “Why didn’t you and David get together when we were younger?”
She had asked that question for years. She sighed. “I don’t know. He never asked.”
Marcus laughed. “I know.”
It was Journey’s turn for questions. “If it was so obvious how he felt, why do you think he never made a move?”
Journey could tell Marcus was turning the question over in his mind. Finally, he looked at her. “I think you scared the crap out of him.”
She laughed. “What?”
He nodded. “Hell, you still scare me sometimes.”
She playfully slapped his arm. “Shut up.”
“I’m serious. Did you know that some of us from the football team would wait in the cafeteria for you to come in every morning?” he asked.
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”
“I’m serious!” he insisted. “It started after you began riding to school with Dave in the morning. We would wait for the two of you to come in just to see what you were wearing.”
She let out an exasperated sigh. “You did not.”
“It’s true! We used to place bets on what you would be wearing each day and what color your hair would be. Some days you would be in pink fuzzy pajama pants and the next you would be wearing a leather miniskirt. On Monday your hair would be fire engine red and on Tuesday it would be purple.” He laughed. “Ask Dave if you don’t believe me.”
She peered at him. He nodded with persistence.
“I think Dave was scared to death because you were so unpredictable.”
She frowned. “But you say you love me because I’m unpredictable.”
He nodded. “Well yeah. That’s one of many things I love about you. I’m sure Dave was attracted to that too, but consider all his other girlfriends, like that freaking Rebecca girl. Really, could you be any more of a complete opposite to her? He was used to girls like Rebecca. You scared the hell out of all of us.”
She laughed and punched him again. A lot of what he said seemed to fit with David’s personality. David liked rules, training, and being in charge. She probably did scare him back in high school. She never thought that it would come from a conversation with Marcus, but she was glad to finally have what seemed like the missing piece of the puzzle from her history with David.
She almost wanted to call her mother and tell her the good news.
18
Crash And Burn
Dear Journey,
Hey girl… Guess who just bought two plane tickets to Georgia? Yep. This guy. We will be flying into Atlanta the day before Christmas Eve and then leaving the day after Christmas. We have to come back here to be with my in-laws for New Year’s. That was the deal I brokered with my wife to be able to come. I wish we could stay longer, but anytime is better than nothing. I’m so excited that I can’t stand it. December 23rd can’t get here fast enough.
You know what we should do—or what you should do, anyway? You should throw one of your epic parties for Christmas. I haven’t been to a party in ages. I’m not sure if I still even remember how to party. Haha. I would love to see our old group again. It’s really been too long. Talk to Marcus and let me know what you think. I will help buy food or beer or whatever you need. If that won’t work with your plans, maybe Allie and I can just take you guys out to dinner somewhere. Ha… maybe even Lottie’s Diner if it’s still open. I’m pretty sure I still owe you a meal from there. Just kidding. Please don’t beat me up when you see me!
I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. I’m a little jealous if you will be eating at your mom’s and having her crazy-amazing sweet potato casserole. I’ve eaten the best food from all over the world, and I swear that’s the best stuff on the planet. We will be at Allie’s parents’ house in Seattle. You should pray for me. Haha. Her dad seems to think that because I was raised in the South and I’m in the Army that I’m some sort of uncivilized redneck. Maybe it’s the way I talk. Who knows?
I’ve got to go clock some hours on the range today, so I have to run. It seems as though I’ve been neglecting my duties a little since I found you again. Look at you already being a bad influence on me. (wink) Give me a shout later if you get a chance. I will be back online later this evening.
I hope you have a great day,
Dave
Allie walked by David’s office just as he clicked the ‘send’ button. She paused at the door and then let out a frustrated sigh. “Boy, you didn’t even wait until daybreak to talk to her today,” she said with a smirk.
He leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes up toward the popcorn ceiling. “For the millionth time, I don’t talk to her all that much, and when I do, I tell you about it. I’m not sure why you’re so defensive all the time. She’s on the other side of the world, and I’m not lying to you. You can check my computer anytime you want.”
She walked on down the hallway. “Whatever you say, David.”
He got up and followed after her. “Allie, wait,” he said, jogging to catch up with her.
She stopped just inside their bedroom door. She turned back to look at him. Her eyes were wet with tears. “What?”
“We’re just friends—” he began.
She held up her hand to silence him. “Please don’t talk to me like I’m stupid and naive. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me that you’re not in love with her because we both know that’s a lie.”
Her blunt honesty stunned him.
She folded her arms slowly over her chest and cast her gaze at the carpet. “You’ve changed since she came back. You’re more peaceful. You sleep better at night, and you smile as soon as you wake up.” She reached up to wipe her face with the back of her hand. “You’ve never done that before.” She was shaking her head back and forth. “I always thought it was the stress of your job and how much it weighed on your mind that kept you so closed off from me. But it’s been her all along.”
David was frozen to the floor and certainly lacked any kind of coherent response. She brought her sad eyes up to meet his after a long silence. He had to say something. He held out his hands, palms up, in surrender. “I’m sorry,” was all he could mutter.
She turned away and closed the door on him, leaving him shut out in the hallway.
· · ·
Journey nearly fell off her chair when she found out that David had actually bought plane tickets. It was really happening. She would finally see him again. She tried to suppress her excitement when she told Marcus about it over dinner that evening, but there was no denying how thrilled she was. Marcus loved the idea of throwing a Christmas Eve party and inviting all of their friends. Journey always worried that Marcus was secretly unhappy that David was back in the picture, but the closer it got to Christmas the more excited Marcus seemed.
Journey had written David back immediately after receiving his email, but days passed without any more messages from him. She sent another email simply asking if he was OK and didn’t receive a response to it either. Momentarily, she thought about calling or text messaging him, but she knew David well enough to know that if he wasn’t answering, he had a good reason. He could be ‘off the grid’ again with his unit for all she knew.
She and Kara got started on planning a Christmas party the day after Thanksgiving when they finished their Black Friday shopping spree. Marcus had stayed home with the baby so they could have some girl’s time out of the house together without an infant in tow.
Journey was writing out a guest list over lunch. “So, I’ve got twenty-two people I’m pr
etty sure will come. Can you think of any more?”
Kara shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
Journey thought for a moment. “You know, I remember when I would come home from Tennessee that it was so hard to pack in all the people I wanted to visit in one weekend. Can you think of anyone else that David might want to see while he’s in town?”
Kara tapped her finger over her pink lips. “Rebecca Ashburn?”
Journey launched a french fry at her head. “Shut your mouth!”
Kara tossed her head back laughing. “Bad joke, I know,” she said and took a bite of her sandwich. She washed it down with a sip of her drink. “So, Journey, on a scale of one to ten, how excited are you about him coming back?”
Journey sucked in a breath through a clenched smile. “Oh, about a twelve or thirteen.”
Kara laughed and pushed her hair back off her shoulders. “Does Marcus know that?”
“Marcus thinks I’m about a seven on the excitement scale,” she said, picking up her drink.
Kara’s face became a little more serious. She leaned forward and lowered her voice a bit. “Are you going to be OK seeing him again?”
Journey nodded. “Yeah. I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve tried really hard to get over all of those ‘what if’ feelings, you know?”
Kara pulled her straw out of her cup and pointed it across the table at her. “You just used the word tried though. You didn’t say you were actually over having those feelings.”
Journey shrugged. “I don’t know if you can ever completely get over that sort of thing with anyone. But, I choose Marcus. I made a commitment to him, and I do love being with him. I don’t want to mess that up. I honestly mean that.”
Kara nodded. “I know you do. I also think you're kidding yourself if you don’t believe that you’re going to be on emotional overload when you see Dave again for the first time.”
Even the thought of it made Journey’s stomach flutter. “I’m just hoping it’s going to be the start of a new chapter for us. We are both married. We have lives on opposite sides of the country. Those are the thoughts that I hope will keep me grounded.”
“Just make me a promise,” Kara said.
“What promise?”
Kara looked at her very seriously. “Don’t be alone with him. You and he both need some accountability around at all times.”
Journey nodded toward her. She wholeheartedly agreed. “You are going to be the designated chaperone in the absence of either of our spouses.”
Kara stretched her hand across the table and Journey shook it. “Deal.”
· · ·
David looked at the phone in his hand, dialed the phone number, hesitated, and placed it on the patio table again. He lit another cigarette and looked up at the dim, cloudy sky. The sun was setting off of the Washington coast, but he couldn’t see it through the haze. He blew out a long puff of smoke and picked up the phone again. He quickly dialed the number and pressed send before he talk himself out of it once more.
As the phone rang, he prayed to hear a voicemail recording.
“Hello?” came a curious, small voice on the other end of the line.
His heart was in his throat. “Journey?”
“David?”
He laughed softly, trying desperately not to break out in a sobbing mess at just the sound of his name on her lips. “Yeah, it’s me,” he answered. “I’m sorry for calling so late. I know it’s like almost ten there. I hope I didn’t wake anyone up.”
“Are you kidding? I’m so glad to hear your voice,” she said, her voice trembling. “And no, you didn’t wake anyone up at all. Genna’s asleep upstairs, and Marcus is out with his partner.”
His head was spinning because she was actually on the other end of the line. He had wanted to call her so many times before, but she didn’t think it was a wise idea. He knew she had been right. Nothing about their reunion had ever been a good idea.
“Are you OK?” she asked, bringing his attention back to the conversation. “I’ve been really worried about you.”
He sucked in a quick breath, fighting for control over his emotions. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“It’s fine. I’m just glad that you’re alright,” she said. “I didn’t know if you were dead or in the desert fighting the Taliban somewhere or what.”
“No, nothing like that.”
She sighed. “Well, thank God.”
He paused and tried to collect his thoughts. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “I know you asked me not to call, but I really needed to talk to you and not by email.”
“OK,” she said hesitantly on the other end of the line.
He took a long drag on his cigarette and breathed it out slowly. “Allie doesn’t want us to come to Georgia for Christmas.” When Journey offered only stale silence, he continued. “She said that I can go without her, but if I do… she won’t be here when I come back home.”
Still, there was only silence.
“Journey?” he finally asked into the void.
He heard a stifled sniffle over the line, and his heart shattered.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m here.” She coughed to obviously cover her quavering voice. “You really don’t have to explain. I completely understand, David.”
“I don’t,” he whispered, dropping his face into his hand. “I don’t understand how we always end up here.”
“I don’t either,” she agreed.
His voice was trembling so much he could hardly control it. “I love you too much to make you the other woman in my life. I made a commitment to her, Journey.”
She was quick to respond. “Of course you did. You wouldn’t be my David if you did anything other than honor your wife’s wishes.”
“I’m so sorry. I’ve let you down, again,” he said.
“David, this is probably the best thing for all of us. I don’t know how honorable I would be facing you in person. I don’t even trust myself enough to text message you,” she laughed through evident tears.
He laughed too, but it was painful. “God, don’t tell me that.” A single tear erupted from his eye, and he quickly brushed it away with his sleeve. “I love you so much,” he whispered, gripping his cell phone so hard he feared it might break.
After a brief pause she said, “I love you, too, David.”
And with those words the line went dead.
David wasn’t sure how long he spent on his back patio, but when he finally collected himself enough to go inside, there were stars peeking through the fading clouds. The sun had completely disappeared. He went into the still house and locked all the doors to the outside. He fed the dog and filled his water bowl. He checked his gun safe to ensure it was locked and adjusted the thermostat in the living room.
When he couldn’t busy himself with anything else that wasn’t completely ridiculous, he walked down the hall toward his bedroom. Allie was lying in the bed reading a book by the light of her bedside lamp. He didn’t make eye contact with her but went straight to the bathroom and took an extra-long time to brush his teeth. He stripped down to his boxer briefs, dropped his clothes in the laundry basket, then sat on the edge of the bathtub for no reason at all. Finally, he got up and carried his cell phone back to their bedroom.
Allie slowly closed her book and looked up at him expectantly.
“It’s done,” he said. He walked around to his side of the bed and stared at it, unwilling to lie down beside her. He grabbed his pillow and yanked his phone charger from the wall before turning toward the door. “I’m going to sleep in the guest bed tonight. I need to be alone for a while.”
“David, I—” she began.
He pointed an angry finger to silence her. “No,” he snapped. “I did this for you, and that’s all you get for tonight.”
His words stung her; it was obvious from the way her expression seemed to melt from her face. But, in that moment, he didn’t care.
He closed their bedroom door behind h
im a little harder than he probably should have and went to the spare room. As he sat down on the double bed, a holdover from his single life in on-base housing, he contemplated calling Journey back, begging her forgiveness, and getting on the first plane to Georgia. However, he knew that would only cause more damage to everyone involved. He had to consider her daughter and the vows that she had given to Marcus. And while he didn’t like Allie very much at the moment, she was still his wife that he loved.
From every angle that David examined the whole situation, he was bound by his honor and his integrity to stay in Washington…. even if his heart was in Emerson.
· · ·
Journey was thankful for Marcus’s absence that night. She never wanted him to see her crying over David again. She hadn’t thought it was possible for David to break her heart any more than he already had in the past eight years, but she was dead wrong. It was like her personal phoenix burning to ashes all over again.
Much like the first time that the relationship came crashing down on top of her, this too was her own fault. She had no right to get her hopes set so high on the thought of entertaining another man in her life—no matter who it was. It wasn’t fair to Marcus or Genna. It wasn’t even fair to herself. Once again, she deserved the miserable, cold bed which she had made.
She agonized over how to explain David’s sudden change of plans to Marcus and Kara, as well as the other friends she had gushed to in the past week. With Marcus and Kara she knew she had to opt for the truth, or at least a close version of it, since she would have to explain David’s unexpected disappearance from their lives once again. She also knew Marcus occasionally talked to David, and she didn’t want to be caught in a lie to her husband.
Explaining it to Marcus was going to be the most difficult part. She knew she would never be able to look her husband in the eye and tell him the exact reason for David’s abrupt change of plans. She couldn’t imagine his reaction to telling him that David was still in love with her and that he couldn’t make Journey ‘the other woman’ in his life. However, Marcus knew them both too well to buy a cheap version of the story. She prayed that he would just accept the worries of a jealous, disconnected wife and let it go, but she knew she obviously wasn’t that lucky. Fortunately, even if she had to tell Marcus the entire truth, she wouldn’t have to worry about the repercussions for long. David would completely vaporize from existence once more.