But I couldn’t find her.
Pulling up beside the garage, I parked and got out. As usual, all the lights had come on at sundown, so the pathway to the front door was well lit. I hopped up the steps, key out to slide into the lock.
Halting mid-step, I spotted the figure propped up against my door on the brightly-lit doorstep. She was slumped, eyes closed as if she had dozed off, her blond head lolling over her chest, her bag by her side.
She’d been waiting for me to come home and fallen asleep in the meantime.
And for some reason I couldn’t move. I could only stare at her, feeling a strange sort of thickness in my chest and a lump in my throat. Blinking at the stinging in my eyes, I jerkily moved to the door and unlocked it, then without a word, I bent and hefted her sleeping form into my arms and took her inside the house.
I took Gray into the spare room that served as my office and laid her gently on the couch. When I reached for a nearby folded blanket, she was already stirring restlessly.
“Shhh. Go back to sleep,” I whispered when her eyes cracked open, even then knowing it was futile to suggest it. I didn’t want her to go back to sleep. I wanted to talk to her and tell her everything that had been running through my head as I’d scoured the city searching for her.
But she looked so tired, so small. So worn out.
So overwhelmed by everything that had gone on this evening.
Despite my encouragement to go back to sleep, she opened her eyes and blinked, getting her bearings. She reached her arms above her head and stretched all the way down to her toes.
I took in her slightly disheveled hair. At some point she had changed out of the beautiful pink dress and into jeans and a t-shirt, but her skin glowed from her brief nap. She reached up and touched my cheek, and I could hardly breathe.
She was beautiful. So beautiful. Her green eyes were clouded with concern, the slight crease between her brows deepening as her gaze focused in on me.
“Are you okay?” she asked, smoothing her slender fingers across my cheek. “I came because I was worried about you and I had to know if you were okay.”
And that ache in my chest tightened and released, suddenly letting loose a flow of warmth and emotion, like a dam breaking. I let out a breath mingled with an ironic laugh. Trust Gray, my beautiful, sweet Gray, to worry about someone else when she’d just undergone an incredibly stressful event.
“It’s almost midnight, and I just spent hours turning the county upside down looking for you. I got home and didn’t even see your car. Where’d you park?”
“In the street. I figured you and Karen would be pulling in soon.” She frowned. “I went to meet with someone, then I came here. Then I waited because my phone was dead and I didn’t have a charging cord. And I gave you back your key.”
I knelt beside the couch as she sat up, rubbing her eyes. We stared at each other, eyes on the same level. Then she cleared her throat.
“So, if you were looking for me, you must have had something to say.”
I nodded. “I have a lot to say. A lot of important things.”
“So do I—like about you doing the test flight—”
I shook my head. “That’s taken care of. I can’t do it. You were right.”
She stared at the ground, not exactly looking happy at this news. She was probably still upset with me, concern or no. It was so like her to set aside her feelings of being hurt in order to see if I was okay despite whatever she was feeling inside.
“Are you okay with that call?”
I sat back on the floor beside the couch. “It was my call. I know they would have probably decided against me anyway, but I didn’t fight it. It should have been this way from the beginning.”
Her eyes flicked to me. “But you helped the program so much with all the publicity you did. None of that was a waste. Thank you for thinking of our jobs.”
We were silent for a moment, then her gaze flicked up to mine. “I’m glad you’re doing better. But I hope you talk to someone. Open up in therapy. It can help you.” Then, to my astonishment, she pushed up from the couch and pulled her car keys out of her pocket, stifling a yawn with the back of her hand.
“I should go. But I want you to know I met with Aaron Thiessen tonight after the meeting.”
A dark sense of foreboding hung over me. “Oh?”
She nodded, seeming to fight a smile. Shit, had she decided to move on? That quickly? Maybe she thought we needed a clean break. But to rush to his house right after the restaurant. My mind spun.
“I pitched to him. He wants to buy in. And if we’re lucky, maybe he can buy my dad out. So the good news is that we still have a program even if my father decides to throw a toddler tantrum. The bad news is that you and I are going to have to reach a place where we can work together eventually.”
As she talked, I found myself going Mach 4 through a myriad of emotions. Concern and foreboding, first at the mention of Aaron’s name. Then relief to hear that she’d gone to his place to pitch to him. Then disbelief that she was discussing the future of our jobs.
I didn’t give a fuck about our jobs at that minute.
Xander’s words ran through my mind, over and over again. Live your life. Move on. Be happy. Find my future. That’s exactly what I had to do.
I still wanted that family. I still wanted that belonging.
And I knew that the woman standing right in front of me was the key to that dream.
“I owe you an apology. A lot of them, really. But tonight, especially. When I was arguing with your father, I—I didn’t want to take away your voice, Gray. I’d never knowingly do that.”
She stood still then nodded perfunctorily. “Apology accepted.” Then she turned to go.
But my hand shot out to gently clasp her upper arm. I was reminded of that first day after the investors meeting when I’d followed her in the hall and she’d been evading me. I’d reached out then, too. She’d dressed me down for it.
But this time, she paused.
“I can’t let you go yet,” I said. “Not before I say what I have to say. Then, then unlike before, I’ll leave the decision for your own future up to you.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think either of us is in a position to talk about our future right now.”
I tensed, not liking her answer at all. She seemed…depleted, spent. Like she’d given up.
She’d once accused me of giving up on us so easily. Maybe she had, now, too.
“Hear me out, please? Then if you want to leave, you can.”
Her face looked troubled. “You only have to apologize once, Ryan. There’s no need to dwell on it.”
I sent her a sad smile—tinged with maybe a little hope. Maybe more hope than I had the right to hold onto at that moment.
I took a deep breath before stepping off the cliff. “I love you, Gray.” That thickness returned to my throat in a rush. The stabbing behind my eyes. That emotional rush only got worse as I witnessed her eyes immediately filling with tears. I cleared my throat. “I love you more than I ever thought possible to love someone. I can’t begin to imagine what the rest of my life would look like without you. More than just loving you, I need you.”
I watched as she processed my words, the tears rising quickly in her eyes and a thin stream spilling over. “You’ll understand if I only accept those words with a heavy heap of caution after all of this, after Tahoe. And what about Karen?”
I let out an explosive breath and shook my head. “I told her everything. I didn’t hold back. About the real reasons I wanted to go through with that plan. About the accident, the tether, everything.”
Her brows buckled. “How did she react? Did she take it hard?”
I shook my head. “She called me a dumbass and an idiot for not going after you. She said I deserved to find love and she did, too.”
Gray nodded, her features sober. Despite having red eyes and tear-stained cheeks, she appeared remarkably calm and composed.
“Here’s th
e thing, Ryan. I decided that getting my heart stomped on twice was unacceptable. I can’t do that again.” Her voice trembled, and she swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I can’t take the risk a third time.”
I looked away, trying to disguise the icy disappointment that showered down on me. It hurt. It sucked just as much as before. Even when I’d caused it, it had been wretched. But could I blame her?
“How do I know that one little thing isn’t going to send you spiraling and pushing me away again? It was an act of sheer providence that finally convinced you that you couldn’t fly. If the lights hadn’t gone out in the restaurant, then what? You’d still be set to fly that mission. You’d still be determined to pursue Karen. No one but me would be aware of your PTSD. None of what happened tonight was as a result of a decision you made. You were exposed and now you have no other choice to make.”
I tensed as she spoke, as if her very valid points were like punches landing on my torso. She was right. Had it not been for the shitty weather and the blackout, I might still not know.
I rubbed at the base of my neck. “You’re right. It was luck. Plain and simple. I was an arrogant fool who wouldn’t listen to you or anyone. I had no business near that flight. And the incident happened here on the ground instead of up there. All I could focus on was myself and my pain and my need to make it up to Xander without having the wisdom to realized that this wouldn’t have been what he wanted anyway.”
She adjusted her glasses and looked away with a frown, appearing confused. No, scratch that, she appeared more conflicted than confused, which caused hope to spark inside of me.
“I got lucky tonight, yes. And I’m grateful. I’d be hoping for luck beyond what any one man deserves by asking if you could take a chance on us again.”
She froze, stared at me for a long time while I hoped for a glimmer of some clue about what was going through her mind. Then she slowly shook her head.
“I won’t willingly put myself out there to get hurt again,” she stated in a low voice, as if it might be the last argument she had left.
I nodded grimly. “It’s a risk. Whether it’s the first time or the third time or the tenth, it’s always a risk. But where there’s a risk, there’s also a reward.”
“This is a high-risk situation, and I’m a little gun shy.”
I took a tentative step toward her. “And I don’t blame you. The crux of the problem was that I didn’t feel I deserved you. And you know what? I still don’t feel like I deserve you.”
Now she looked crestfallen, her gaze dropping to the floor. But I put my thumb and forefinger on her chin and lifted her face to mine. “I don’t deserve you right now. I’m broken. But I’m not done. I can do this. I can become the man you deserve. And I’m willing to do what needs to be done. I’m willing to fight for it.”
She blinked several times. “I’m not going to make you fight for it, Ryan. But on the other hand, the things you’ll have to do, the work you’re going to have to accomplish with yourself, it’s not going to be easy. And you have to do it for you. Because you want to heal. Not for me. And not for the program or Karen or AJ either. But because you deserve to be whole.”
My prospects with her were looking worse and worse by the minute. My stomach dipped, and the rest of my internal organs threatened to follow it right down the drain. “Can I at least ask you to be patient and wait while I work through it? I want—I need the chance with you.” My hands slipped to her shoulders and she wavered where she stood, appearing to search for her words.
If she made me beg, I’d do that too. Easily. My back knee bent but she seemed to anticipate what I was doing. Grabbing my shirt, she pulled me forward. “Ryan, stop. I’m not trying to torment you. These are all important questions. You already know how I feel about you.”
I hesitated while she was quiet, staring down at the floor. Then she reached for me and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and tightened my hold, pressing my cheek to her hair. Was this goodbye? Was it not now? I held my breath and waited.
“I can’t fix you Ryan. I told you that the day of the investors meeting. And you’ve got a long road ahead of you. But you don’t have to walk it alone. I can’t fix you. But I can love you. Flaws and all. Because that’s what love is.”
I stroked her soft hair. From this angle, I couldn’t look into her face, but I could feel her relax against me. “I love you, Gray. I’m such an idiot that when I told you in Tahoe, you were asleep, and I was so scared you might hear anyway, I said it in Russian.”
In spite of her tears, she laughed. “I heard you. I wondered why you were speaking Russian to me.”
“I wish I’d said it in English, then. I wish you’d heard it then and you didn’t have to go this entire time thinking I didn’t care. I’ve been such so stupid in so many ways that asking you to forgive me feels like asking you to perform some sort of impossibility.”
She laid her wet cheek on my chest. “It’s not impossible. Carl Jung once said that it’s easier to go to the Moon than it is to penetrate one’s own being.” She sniffed heavily. “Which means you’re in for one hell of a journey.”
I reached down and laced my fingers through hers. “Could you be there with me? I’ll be the one doing the hard work, but the thought of not having you beside me…” Her head came up and I cupped her cheeks in both my hands.
“I said I love you. That means I love you at your worst as well as your best.” She turned and kissed the palm of my hand.
I bent and kissed her. She tasted of salty tears and sweetness. The sweetest lips I’d ever tasted. My heart hammered like it might burst from my chest. “I love you. I’m going to say it to you every day for the rest of my life—in a language you understand.”
“I love you, too,” she said, fresh tears pouring down her face. “And I want to be here for you on your journey. We’ve past the Rubicon now.”
My mouth twitched up at her familiar reference to the ancient river once considered the point that, once crossed, marked the true commitment to the voyage. The Rubicon was the point of no return. “I’m all in, Gray. I won’t turn back from this, from us, ever again. Doing it before almost finished me. I won’t be an idiot again.”
Her arms came around my neck, and she pulled me to her. The familiar surge of desire for her rose up and took hold of me, but I was also excited to have her close to me, hold her in my arms, sleep beside her peacefully. I wanted these for all our tomorrows.
So I took her by the hand and led her to my bedroom. We undressed. We kissed and held each other tightly. And then we fell asleep, wrapped firmly in each other’s arms.
In the dark.
Chapter 27
Epilogue
Gray
One Week Later…
Cameras clicked furiously as Ryan once again faced a bevy of journalists and important media influencers from the stage set up in the XVenture assembly building. An actual section of the Rubicon III rocket, painted white with red detailing and lettering, provided the perfect background.
After the succinct announcement by Tolan, an even briefer statement by the new prime crew member of the test flight, Colonel Noah Sutton, Ryan took the podium and the room quieted.
He looked serious, composed and much less nervous than both of his predecessors. Wearing a dark blue suit, green tie and the shiny gold astronaut badge on his lapel, he was stunningly handsome. My heart even did a little flip as I snapped a few photos with my phone.
That silence practically echoed through the room as Ryan straightened and grabbed each side of the podium in his hands and looked straight ahead. He had no notes and there was no teleprompter. He’d apparently, completely memorized what he wanted to say.
“Astronaut Alexander Freed was my friend, my brother. But he was also the hero who saved my life. And because of circumstances beyond either of our control, I returned safely home from our last mission, but Xander did not.” He paused and took a long breath, appearing to brace himself for what came
next.
As clearly and as succinctly as possible, Ryan described the accident and how Xander had freed himself from his tether in order to get to Ryan once he noticed his suit was breached. Agitated mumbles from the crowd rose up as Ryan continued to narrate the accident in the simplest terms.
But the press had never heard this version before, so this was big news.
No one had heard this version until Ryan had told me, then Karen.
“I’m still coming to terms with the ramifications of losing Xander. He made the ultimate sacrifice to save his friend. Every day, I endeavor to find meaning in his decision.” Ryan took another long pause to collect himself. I squeezed my fists tight in front of my mouth, wishing I could somehow fortify him from afar.
“It’s been a long road back from that day last year when we lost him. And I’ve struggled privately and in the most profound ways. I’ve needed a lot of help, but I’ve learned a lot. Enough to know that I’m not ready to return to spaceflight at this time. But the XPAC has my full support and devotion. I’ll remain working with them and helping to run the operations at the astronaut office for as long as I am of use there.”
He licked his lips, his eyes flitting about the room until he seemed to locate what he was looking for—or rather who. When Ryan’s gaze met mine, I smiled and flashed him a thumbs-up to encourage him. He gave the slightest of nods, as if to indicate that he understood.
“Xander Freed died a hero and it was his sacrifice that saved four other astronauts and the International Space Station. It is my hope that his sacrifice will be forever remembered and that we further our missions from earth orbit, to the Moon, Mars and other destinations in our solar system. We shall not forget the brave, strong and courageous people—those of Apollo 1, Soyuz 1 and 11, Challenger, and Columbia—who like Xander Freed, gave their lives to further these missions. We owe it to them to continue our venture into space travel.
“I’m eternally grateful to Xander for each breath I take and each day I am permitted to live out my life. I know that Xander would want those whom he loved most in the world to live a happy and fulfilling life. And every day I’ll strive to live up to that.”
High Reward Page 28