by Tina Martin
Reggie4398 (8:48): yeah…but anyway, can come over 4 dinner
TiffW49 (8:48): I’m free tonight
Reggie4398 (8:49): our parents r coming 2
TiffW49 (8:49): k…so you’re cooking?
Reggie4398 (8:50): yep…and no, I’m not frying bologna…lol
TiffW49 (8:50): lol
TiffW49 (8:50): so what r u cooking?
Reggie4398 (8:51): your fav
TiffW49 (8:51): spaghetti?
Reggie4398 (8:51): and meatballs
TiffW49 (8:52): mmm…sounds good. I can’t wait.
Reggie4398 (8:52): I can’t wait to see u…I didn’t like the way we left each other last night.
TiffW49 (8:55): it’s cool…btw, where r we gonna sit? on boxes? Lol
Reggie4398 (8:56): we can sit out on the deck. I have an umbrella table out there now.
TiffW49 (8:56): it’s gonna be a little breezy, don’t you think?
Reggie4398 (8:57): yeah, but we’ll be okay.
TiffW49 (8:58): okay. I can’t wait.
Reggie4398 (8:59): oh…what did u think about the card?
TiffW49 (9:00): it was beautiful.
Reggie4398 (9:00): I meant every word of it.
TiffW49 (9:01): I know you did.
Reggie4398 (9:02): I love you Tiffany.
I sat back in my chair, tapping my fingers on the desk. If I wasn’t at work, I would probably be crying right now. Reggie was so upfront and forthcoming with me about his feelings, but yet I couldn’t be the same way with him. I did love him, but to actually have the chance to share and experience that love was unreal. It felt like a dream, yet I was apprehensive about giving my heart to him now.
Reggie4398 (9:05): u there?
TiffW49 (9:05): yeah…luv u 2 Reg. See ya tonight, okay?
Reggie4398 (9:06): okay, later.
I ARRIVED AT his place around five-thirty. The sun was hot and the air was dry. After banging on the front door for a minute, I let myself in. I was greeted with Ryan Leslie’s Addiction blaring out of the surround sound system. Reggie had the TV on an R&B station. I got into the groove and started snapping my fingers while singing parts of the chorus. That was one of my favorite Summer 2008 songs, along with anything by or featuring Lil’ Wayne, of course.
Walking through the living room, it didn’t appear that Reggie had done any more work on the place. Boxes were still strewn about on the floor the same as it was when I was last there. I kept on walking to the kitchen. The aroma of the green peppers, onions, garlic, mushrooms combined into the spaghetti sauce was pulling me in. I stood in the doorway and watched Reggie stirring the spaghetti sauce with a wooden spoon. He had on a gray beater and some dark blue jeans. I tiptoed behind him. My plan was to scare him half to death and teach him a lesson about blasting his music and leaving his front door unlocked. I inched closer to him. He had placed his wooden spoon on the counter. My pace became a little faster for fear he would turn around and catch me before I had the chance to surprise him.
Instead, I got a surprise of my own. He caught me, took me by the hand then he pushed me up against the fridge, kissing me rough and recklessly – felt like my lips were going through an automatic car wash. I could taste the spaghetti sauce he’d been sampling on his tongue. He stopped to look at me.
“You must be happy to see me,” I said, smiling.
“I am,” he said, pushing his lips against my cheek.
“Something really smells good.”
“Yep. The spaghetti sauce is tasting real good and I got some garlic bread in the oven and by the way, you look good,” he said to me and kissed me again, only this time he picked me up so I was sitting on the counter as he took his time with sensual smooching.
“Reggie…wait,” I said between kisses. “Our parents are gonna catch us...again.”
“No they won’t,” he mumbled.
“Reg…” I said and nudged him away from me. He had to have been growing weary of my resistance, but again, this didn’t feel right. Four months ago, this would be a dream come true. I wouldn’t even second guessed myself. Now I wasn’t sure about Reggie, wasn’t sure if he was the one for me.
“Reggie, this is wrong. You can’t just grab me and kiss me and do anything you want to me. I’m not your girlfriend.”
“Then what are you?” he asked, standing immediately in front of me while I remained sitting on the countertop.
“I’m what I’ve always been to you. A friend.”
“Oh…I see.”
“And I realize you want more…”
He interrupted me. “Oh and I suppose you don’t, right?”
At that point, I didn’t care about the journals, his feelings or nothing. Now it was time for him to know my true feelings about him and our relationship, whether he liked it or not. This had been brewing in my mind for a long time now, eating away at me like acid and I had to tell how I really felt. I had to.
I said, “Reginald, I have loved you all my life and have been in love with you since I was about twelve years old. I was there when you were interested in every other girl except me. I was in love with you when I was only the girl from next door.”
“You know you meant more than that to me,” he snuck in.
“Please let me finish,” I told him, with tears in my eyes. “I was the boney, little, ugly black girl who just so happened to be best friends with the most popular boy in school.”
“What?” he said frowning, but I kept talking.
“I was the girl who listened to you go on and on about every girl you ever dated. You told me so much about them, it felt like I was the one dating them. And all the while, I’m thinking to myself, why hasn’t he ever noticed me? I tried making excuses for you. I told myself, I wasn’t your type and I wasn’t pretty enough, and you know what Reggie? I was right. I wasn’t your type. I wasn’t light-skinned with long black hair. I wasn’t good enough for you. So why do you want to be with me now? Because I’m not the same ugly girl no more? Is it because my rear end is a little bit bigger, skin lighter, hair longer or because another man took an interest in me?”
Reggie was quiet. I guess he was thinking about what I was telling him so I kept on feeding him more food for thought. I continued, “Derrick actually showed a genuine interest in me and my personality and I’m a fool…because I broke up with him, thinking I was meant to be with you. Now I regret that decision because if I was meant to be with you, it would have happened a long time ago, don’t you think?”
His inability to speak confirmed everything I said was true so I did the appropriate thing and left.
LATER THAT NIGHT, after I’d taken a hot bath, and cried my eyes out over the things I confessed to Reggie, I sat on the couch watching TV. My eyes watered every time I thought about Reggie.
“Tiffany.”
I heard my Mom calling my name and tapping on my front door at the same time.
Great, I thought to myself. I was in no mood to talk to her tonight. I opened the door and scrambled back over to the couch.
“Tiffany, I been trying to call you, girl.”
“Sorry Ma, I was in the bath tub.”
“So why weren’t you at Reggie’s tonight?”
“I was there. I left.”
“Why?”
“Why didn’t you ask Reggie?”
“I did. He was tight-lipped for most of the night.”
“Well, I’ll tell you why I left. I realized something today, Ma. Reggie doesn’t love me. I mean, anybody can say they love you but everybody don’t mean it.”
“Tiffany, stop that. You know you love him. You told me you did.”
“Yeah, I do love him. What I’m telling you is, he doesn’t love me…at least not the way I used to want him to.”
“So what are you gonna do then, Tiffany? Be like me? Single and lonely. I don’t want that for you, baby. I want you to be happy with a man you love. And you got Reggie at your fingertips. Love him honey. If he doesn’t love you, which I find very hard to believe, t
hen eventually he’ll learn to.”
“It doesn’t work like that. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t love me, or loves me out of pity like I’m a charity case.”
“Suit yourself. I can’t tell you what to do, Tiffany, but I will say this. If you don’t want to end up like me, sometimes, you gotta take what you can get. Ain’t nobody perfect.”
My Mom didn’t date a lot of men. I can only remember two while growing up, but she was really in love with my father who got her pregnant and took off. She raised me by herself. It must have been a lonely and stressful task, but she did it. Single and all, she did it. I guess she didn’t want me to experience the same singleness she had experienced.
I understood her reasoning, but I had my issues with Reggie. Reggie was the only boy to ever talk to me in high school and I was starting to realize now that the only reason he did talk to me was because our relationship was forced. Literally since birth, we’d been the best of friends. His friendship brought a level of love to my life that I was fortunate to have experienced. But he didn’t see me like I saw him. Reggie had girls falling at his feet and while I pretended like his relationships didn’t bother me though they were really affecting me mentally.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, so they say. And I was definitely in need. I needed to be comforted from time to time. I needed someone to give me a push every now and then. I needed someone to give me the occasional hug. Someone to tell me everything was going to be okay even when they were not. I had a lot of needs for Reggie, but Reggie didn’t have a lot of needs for me. As a matter of fact, he didn’t need me at all. A friendship wouldn’t survive when one person had no need for the other. I couldn’t believe I was just now realizing that after twenty-three years.
Chapter 20
November 2008
A week after all the drama with Reggie, I was at home chillin’. I needed the time to relax, and today was the perfect day to do that. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Actually, I should’ve spent the day outside since it was near eighty degrees – completely out of the norm for November. Instead, I stayed at home, watching movies and washing clothes.
It was about six o’clock when I thought about going out to McDonalds to get a meal. As I threw my hair in a ponytail, slipped on my flip-flops, grabbed my purse and keys, my cell phone rang. I answered immediately, not giving attention to the caller.
“Hello.”
“Hey you.”
“Derrick?”
“Yeah, it’s me. You forgot my voice already?”
“No…I’m just surprised that you called.”
“I hope that’s a good surprise.”
“Definitely.”
“How are you?” he asked.
“Well, everything is everything,” I said, my purse dangling from my left arm, my keys in my right hand, mouth watering for a Big Mac.
Derrick grinned. “What exactly does that mean? Everything is everything.”
I smiled, realizing how much I missed his playful banter, how he could make things so light-hearted and fun. That was one of the things I liked about Derrick.
“It means that it is what it is…I’m cool though. I was just about to run out to get something to eat.”
“Then I’m glad I caught you. I would like to invite you to dinner at my house tonight.”
“Oh…ah…” Talk about being caught off-guard. My ex-boyfriend wanted me to come to his house for dinner. Derrick wouldn’t give up on me. Even after I broke up with him, he persisted.
“I really would like to see you again,” he said.
“Okay. I’ll come.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I said, feeling my heart flutter. “It’ll be nice to see you again.”
“Ah’ight.”
“You sound surprised,” I told him.
“I am. I thought for sure you would turn me down, but I’m glad you didn’t.”
“You thought I would turn you down? This coming from the man who told me he was confident…”
“Ouch.”
“I’m kidding,” I said beaming. “So what time should I show up?”
“Ah…how about six-thirty?”
“That’s fine,” I said. “Oh, and I need your address too,” I said, thinking to myself how I never had the opportunity to visit his crib when we were dating.
“I’ll text it to you.”
“Okay….see you in a lil’ bit.”
***
I wore a pair of jeans and a low-cut red blouse. I ran to the mirror and brushed my hair down and actually put on some makeup, something I hadn’t done in a while. Then I drove over to Derrick’s place. His house was gorgeous. He also lived on the oceanfront, roughly about a good ten miles from Reggie’s place.
Parked in the back was his BMW, and a cream-colored Cadillac Escalade. I parked my car next to the Cadillac and met him on the stairs near the back door.
“You look beautiful as always,” Derrick told me.
“Thank you.”
And he was looking mighty fine himself, wearing an unbuttoned, starched white shirt showing off his ripped chest. The shirt went perfectly with the pair of light brown khakis he had on, along with the brown leather Louis Vuitton loafers. He was major eye candy for yours truly.
I stepped into the kitchen first and noticed the tiled black and white floors. The cabinets were all white and the counter tops were black granite.
“You have a nice place.”
“Thank you.”
Derrick didn’t have a dinette in the kitchen. But he had a bar with two barstools on each side. He had our place settings on the table, black, gold-trimmed bowls and silver spoons. The dishes appeared to be heavy and very expensive.
“Have a seat,” he said, guiding me to a stool. Then he brought a huge pot over to the table. “It’s very hot. Don’t burn yourself,” he told me, after which he went back to the stove to grab a pan of cornbread from the oven.
“So…what’s in the pot?” I inquired.
Derrick smiled, took his seat directly across from me and scooped some black-eyed peas from the pot to fill my bowl. Then he filled his.
I couldn’t contain my smile as I watched him serving me. Derrick must’ve remembered our conversation in the restaurant the night I broke up with him. I had asked him if he ate black-eyed peas. He said no. Guess he was up to trying new things.
I went ahead and tasted them, though I wasn’t sure what to expect – especially since no one had been able to cook black-eyed peas to perfection like my Mother. But being that he was making this special effort, I had to give ‘em a try.
“These are delicious,” I told him, surprised at how good they were and that Derrick could cook them so well – or cook, period. “They almost taste better than my Mom’s. Don’t tell her I said that.”
“My lips are sealed,” Derrick said as I watched him take a spoonful. “Mmm, they are pretty good, aren’t they?”
“Yep.” I took some cornbread from the pan he placed on the table. “I thought you didn’t eat black-eyed peas. When I asked you if you did, you looked at me like I was nasty.”
“No, I didn’t.”
I laughed at him. “Yes, you did. If I only had a camera…” I enjoyed another spoonful and when I looked up, Derrick was staring at me.
“Tiffany, can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Why did you break up with me?”
“Ah…um…” I struggled to find an answer as I stared into his brown eyes.
“You don’t know?” Derrick asked.
“Yes, I have a reason. I broke up with you because—”
“Because you love Reggie,” Derrick suggested.
“It’s not that cut and dry but to keep it simple, yes.”
“And he loves you?”
“Yeah.”
“But y’all are not together. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be at my house right now having dinner with me.”
“Thi
s is true.”
“So why did you break up with me if y’all are not together?”
“Can I be honest?”
“That’s the only thing I expect you to be,” Derrick said, dropping his spoon in his bowl.
“Okay…well, I didn’t think you were right for me. We are totally different.”
“Yeah, but that’s what makes everyone unique, right? It’s not like you will end up marrying a guy with a personality that is an exact replica to yours.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for, Derrick.”
“Then what are you looking for? Someone like Reggie?”
“Are you trying to be funny?”
“No. I’m serious. I want to know.”
I took a deep breath. “Reggie is all I’ve known. I don’t know anything else.” Little did Derrick know that I ripped into Reggie and I had no intentions on pursuing a relationship with him.
“Then why don’t you try to know something else? I knew you were feelin’ me, and I was feeling you too, but you didn’t give us a chance.”
“Why do you want a chance with me? Derrick, you are so…so…” I closed my eyes to think of the right adjectives to describe him. “You are so together.”
Derrick grinned.
“What? I’m serious. You’re it. You’re the perfect man…why you wanna waste your time on me, a woman who is possibly in love with her best friend.”
“I don’t think I’m wasting my time,” Derrick said, chewing, ready to accept me, his new challenge. “And if he had your heart, you wouldn’t be here eating dinner with me.”
I smiled at him. He was right. I couldn’t argue against that point.
“Remember that night on the beach?” he asked me. “What was that? Our second date?”
“Yeah, I remember. You asked for permission to kiss me.”
“And you said you wanted to make it a permanent entry in your memory bank, or something like that.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said.” I finished my bowl of beans, leaving the spoon resting in the empty bowl.
“I think about that day a lot. I really miss you, Tiffany.”
Derrick had me blushing.
“Would you like some more beans?” he asked me.