by Tina Martin
Evelyn and James walked to the couch and sat down.
“Sorry James. I was so busy talking to Evelyn, I didn’t get a chance to speak to you. How are you?”
“I’m okay…been trying to cope with everything. You know.”
“Yeah. I know.”
By this time, Mom and Patricia are barging in like they own the place and their arrival is perfect timing, because Reggie comes from the kitchen and triumphantly announces, “I hope y’all ready to eat,” joining us in the living room.
Reggie stared at me intently all throughout dinner and offered me everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything. “Tiffany, you want a biscuit? Tiffany, you need more beans? Tiffany, is everything tasting okay? Tiffany, you need some water?”
Midway through dinner, Evelyn took out a small blue and red baby rattle. “Tiffany, I want the baby to have this. This used to be Derrick’s when he was a baby, and I always wanted to give it to his first child,” Evelyn said all emotional and dabbing her eyes with a napkin. James consoled her by rubbing her back just slightly.
I couldn’t bring myself to take the rattle from her. Tears poured out of my eyes. I told her, “I miss him, Evelyn. I miss him so much.” I dismissed myself to get ahold of my feelings and to take a bathroom break. Baby Derrick was pushing on my bladder. When I left the bathroom, I stepped out onto the front porch to get some fresh ocean air. I heard the door open as I stood there, enjoying my quiet time.
“Tiffany, you all right?” Reggie asked me.
“No, but I’ll be okay I guess.”
Reggie stood directly in front of me. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this.”
He tried to be supportive, but I knew he was running out of things to say to me. I had some things to say to him about the proposal.
“Reggie, I…ah…” I gasped for air, felt like I was going to faint out there. I wiped my eyes again and tried my best to speak clearly so Reggie would understand my feelings and where I was coming from with this. “This might not be the proper time to say this, but Reggie, I’m still in pain over losing Derrick and I can’t possibly marry you and pretend like everything is okay when it’s not. I miss my husband and—”
“Tiffany, I know that, baby,” he said taking my hands. “I know you will never get over Derrick. And I don’t want you to forget about him. I want you to embrace and love Derrick forever.”
“But I can’t do that and love you at the same time. To marry you would mean that what Derrick and I had wasn’t real and I don’t want to feel like that. I can’t betray his love.”
“I’m not trying to make you betray Derrick.”
“Yes you are. You’re asking me to marry you, Reggie. You’re telling me to forget all about the life Derrick and I shared and marry you and I’m telling you I cannot do that. I cannot marry you…not under these circumstances.”
“What circumstances? This is life, Tiffany.”
I shook my hands free from his grasp and stared off into the distance, watching the ocean from far away, scenes from our childhood flashing before my eyes.
“Honestly Reggie, you should hate me right now. You shouldn’t be proposing to me. You should be avoiding me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Come on Reggie…would you stop frontin’ and be real with me? Look at me. I’m pregnant with another man’s baby. I could’ve chosen you over Derrick, but I chose Derrick. How can you pretend like you’re not angry about that? Why are you being so nice to me?”
I turned away from him again to wipe my eyes.
“Tiffany, you chose me a long time ago. We chose each other. It just took a while for us to realize that we were meant for each other. And to keep it real for a minute, yes, I hated the fact that you chose Derrick over me, but that didn’t stop me from loving you.”
I smiled as the light wind tackled my hair and asked, “You really want to marry me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I know in my heart that you are the woman for me.”
“Then I have something for you.” I reached in my pocket and took out the wedding band he’d given me. I took his left hand, slid the ring on his finger.
“You mean this?” Reggie asked me.
“Yes,” I said, wiping tears from his eyes when I should’ve been wiping my own away. “I will marry you, but my heart is still with Derrick. I can’t deny what I felt for him…what I still feel for him. I hope you understand that.”
“I understand.”
“And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you…I just…”
“Tiffany…” Reggie said taking my hands again. “I understand, baby. We don’t have to get married tomorrow,” he said eagerly, gripping my hands tighter. “I just don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” I assured him.
Six Months Later…
Today is June 26, 2010, and it’s hard for me to believe that Derrick has been gone for an entire year when it seems like only yesterday I was at his funeral. Now, I’m standing in our house staring at the bed we’d made love in countless times, the Jacuzzi he’d once filled with rose petals to seduce me and the Japanese wall plaques I teased him about when I first saw them. This moment is bittersweet for me but instead of crying, now I feel a certain level of happiness. I’m thankful for the happy memories of Derrick, of our life. Our love. Just as I turn to walk out of the room, Reggie walks in, holding lil’ Derrick Jr. and says, “You all right, baby?”
I smile at him, grateful to him with the deepest gratitude that he stood by me through all of this. And as I watch him holding my son – my son whom he has gratefully accepted as his – my heart melts thinking of how much Reggie loves me. I remember how he said he would be there for me whenever I needed him. I realize now how serious he was when he spoke those words to me.
Reggie and I married a week ago in a private ceremony in my Mom’s backyard. The atmosphere was perfect for us and as we said our vows, I flashed back to the many memories we had here – how two friends could be so close, so compatible in so many ways, how our parents said we were made for each. I realized how right they were as I stood before him in tears, thinking about how easily he could’ve given up on me. Instead, he stayed through all the drama, through the breakdown of our friendship, through death of Derrick and the birth of Derrick Jr. Everything was so perfect that day – the day our hearts combined into one melodious pulse.
“You okay?” Reggie said again, bouncing lil’ Derrick gently in his arms while walking closer to me as I’m still standing in the bedroom. He knows this is hard for me. He’s fully aware that I love Derrick, that I will always love Derrick and even though he’s gone, he will always be in my heart.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I said, taking baby Derrick from him, my little prince who is now six months old. I stare lovingly at my child, thinking about how Derrick told me he always wanted to be a father. I feel sick thinking how he never got the chance to meet his son.
“You got everything you need?” Reggie asked. I had been living here alone with the baby for the past five months, an idea that Reggie was adamantly against when I first told him I was moving out of his house. And though he feared I’d be vulnerable, it was good for me to stay here, good for my healing process to be surrounded by things that reminded me of Derrick. It worked out for the best, also giving me time to bond with my son – my sweet innocent, happy little boy who looks just like his father.
“I think I got everything,” I said, sighing. “If not, we can always come back, right?”
Reggie put his arms around me and said, “Yeah.”
It was close to three when we left and I had plenty of time to make sure my suitcase was packed, since tonight, Reggie and I were planning to go to the beach for the weekend to spend some alone time and celebrate our marriage without baby Derrick crying in the background. If it were up to me, I would bring him with us, but Mom said I needed time alone with Reggie, especially since we hadn’t officially plan
ned a honeymoon.
Around nine, we dropped the baby off at Mom’s house. I got a sudden case of separation anxiety.
“Ma, please take care of my baby,” I said on edge.
“Girl, I raised you, didn’t I?” she said all feisty, taking the car seat from me and speaking some baby gibberish – something along the lines of woogie, woogie woo. “I know how to take care of my grandson,” she said unbuckling him from the car seat, picking him up and showering him with kisses.
“Ah’ight,” I told her, handing her the diaper bag now. “I put his clothes and diapers in here. There’s formula and a couple of bottles. Call me if you have any questions, okay?”
“All right, Tiffany. I got it, now go…have fun.”
“Okay,” I told her. Then I kissed lil’ Derrick, and said, “By sweetie. I love you. Mommy will be back in a couple of days, okay.”
With that, Reggie and I were on our way to the SunSpree Resort – the same hotel and same room we spent the weekend together after our college graduation. So much had happened since then to change us, but one thing remained strong through all the turbulence and that was us, our friendship.
We found a parking space at the hotel and Reggie grabbed the suitcases from the back seat. I watched him glow, staring at him as if this was my first time ever laying eyes on him.
“You ah’ight baby?” he asked me while the parking lot lights made his face shine. I was caught in the light, caught up in the moment of his brilliance. I watched him beam at me, dropping the suitcases and walking around to the passenger side of the car where I was standing.
“Tiffany, you okay?” he asked, holding my hands now, smiling at the same time.
I didn’t say a word. My mind was so occupied with thoughts of him.
“Baby, why are you staring at me like that?” Reggie inquired.
“It’s nothing,” I told him. “You want to grab the suitcase so we can go in?”
“Okay.”
I studied him as he walked back around the car. He was the same handsome man I’ve always known. His smiles made me remember pieces of our childhood – the walks, the sleepovers, the games – I remember all of that now.
We took the elevator to the fourth floor and on the ride up, I stared at him more, reflecting on the way he took care of lil’ Derrick. When he’d come home from work, he would hug me tight, then take the baby from the crib. He would hold him close against his chest, hum a lullaby while lightly patting him on the back.
“Here we are,” Reggie said sliding the key card from the slot on the door. “Doesn’t this seem weird?” he asked me.
I drowned him out completely, recalling the last time we were here. I walked over to the sliding glass doors again and went out on the balcony. It was breezy and warm, the same as it was when we were here two years ago. I stared out into the ocean, thinking about the way Reggie caressed me the last time we stood in this very spot. Just as I closed my eyes, I felt those same arms around me.
“What you thinking about?” he whispered in my ear. His voice sends a chill over me.
“I was thinking about the last time I was here with you. So much has changed.”
“Yeah, it has,” he said, raking my hair out of the way so he could kiss the spot of my neck that made me quake.
“Reggie, the last time we were here, standing right here like this, I wanted to tell you…” I said then paused, thinking of what benefit would it be for me to tell him this now – that I was in love with him back then.
“Tell me what?”
I turned around so I could look Reggie face-to-face. There was no more hiding my feelings from him, no, not after all we’ve been through. “I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you.”
“Because I was afraid. Going forward, I want to be open and honest with you. That’s how I want our relationship…I mean, our marriage to be. I’m not keeping anything else from you. I want us to tell each other everything.”
“Agreed,” Reggie said smiling at me.
For the first time in a long time, I am happy. I know there will be times when I miss Derrick, when I look at my little boy and think about his father. But I also know that Reggie would understand. He would be there to help me, to console me, to understand my pain. He would not allow me to detach myself from everyone but would sit with me, hold me, let me cry in his arms. My marriage to Reggie will forever be a strong connection that reinforces our lifelong friendship and unravels the silent love affair that we’d been involved in since we were singing alphabet songs together, walking to the bus stop hand-in-hand, and graduating from both high school and college together. I look forward to the future with him, experiencing challenges, sharing our love, living together and raising a family. In the end, that’s all I ever really wanted – Reggie – my evergreen truth.
~ The End ~
About the Author:
TINA MARTIN is a fiction author from eastern North Carolina. Discover other books by Tina at her website: www.tinamartin.net.