by Jen Silver
Her opening question isn’t unexpected. I feel she has been waiting for me to speak of it first.
“Do you think you are ready to meet Jay Reid, or one of your daughters?”
I look down at the murky depths of the coffee; my hands grip the mug tightly. She waits patiently for an answer, as always.
“Jay. I know I need to see Jay.”
†
Jay stood to greet the Danish official who entered her office. Hilde Pedersen, she recalled the name now.
“Thank you for seeing me.”
“I thought there were two of you.”
“Ah, yes. I just need a moment to advise you of some developments.”
Jay came out from behind her desk and waved her to the seating area, but Hilde didn’t move. “You have the DNA results.”
“Yes. We have matched the DNA of all the ship’s crew with living relatives.” Hilde raised her hand to stop Jay from speaking. “We now know more about what happened. There is a survivor who has been living on one of the Faroe Islands. Loss of memory prevented them from coming forward before now.”
“This person is here with you?”
“Yes. I will give you some time together.” She left the room.
When the door opened again, Jay felt her legs turn to liquid. “Charley?” she managed to croak out before collapsing onto the sofa.
“I’m sorry. I thought Hilde told you.” The Charley-like apparition seated herself in the chair opposite Jay.
“Just that someone survived. How…?” Jay couldn’t find the words. The woman in front of her was Charley, but not Charley. Her hair was a darker red and shorter, her face and hands coarsened—by living on a wind-battered island, perhaps. Jay thought the Faroe Islands to be like Orkney or Shetland, but wilder. Only the eyes held the intensity she remembered.
“I don’t know how I escaped the same fate as my shipmates. I’m experiencing flashbacks of the storm that drove us off course. The storm that destroyed our communication and navigation equipment. But beyond that, nothing. I realise I must have been thrown clear as the boat started to sink. I must have swum to the shore where I was found. That memory hasn’t returned.”
Jay listened closely as Charley recounted the day her memory of a previous life came back and her struggle to come to terms with the amount of time that had passed.
“I thought, at first, that I should let it stay in the past. I had lived as Katrin Nielsen for all those years. I have a son, Konrad. But then as more memories surfaced, I thought of those who would think I was dead. You, my two daughters. Maybe Tess has forgotten me. I left her in good hands. And our baby, Julie, wouldn’t know me. But I knew I wanted to know how things turned out with you and the girls. Did you keep the baby? Or did you give her up for adoption?”
The smile that creased her face then sent a searing pain through Jay. It was Charley’s smile.
“I can’t see the Jay I knew looking after a baby.”
“I did look after our baby. Having that responsibility when you disappeared was what kept me going. And I’ve seen Tess a few times recently. She was curious about her birth mother.”
“She is well?”
“Yes. She’s a journalist.”
“And Julie?” Charley leant forward in her seat.
“Before starting kindergarten, Julie wanted to be called Jules.” Jay hesitated. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Charley about Julie’s transition to Josh. “Academically bright, like her mother, and working as an architect now.”
Jay stood and retrieved the photo frame she kept on her desk. She handed it to Charley. “The two most important people in my life.”
Charley studied the photos briefly. “I recognise myself as I looked years ago. But who’s the boy?”
“That’s Julie. Now Josh. He always knew from a young age that he was born in the wrong body.”
“You let my baby have a sex change?”
“I didn’t let him. It’s what he wanted. It’s called transitioning nowadays.”
Charley looked at the photo again. Jay thought it was a good one of Josh, taken only a few years ago, smiling into the camera, happy and relaxed.
“Oh God, I can’t believe this. I should never have come back. I would have trusted you with my life. My baby’s life. And you’ve done this. Created an abomination!” She dumped the frame on the table and stormed out of the room.
Jay followed, in time to hear Charley tell a startled Hilde that she would wait for her outside.
“What is the problem?” Hilde asked Jay.
“It’s complicated.” Jay took one of her business cards out of her pocket and wrote the address for the mews house, and her personal mobile number on the back. “When she calms down, maybe she would like to visit me at home.”
Hilde took the card. “What happened?”
“Perhaps you can explain to her that gender reassignment is more commonly accepted now. She’s upset to find out that her baby daughter has transitioned. Josh has been living as a male since before puberty.”
“Ah. I see. That could be difficult for her to accept.”
“We’ve both had a shock today. But one thing hasn’t changed.”
“What is that?”
“Her quick temper. We always argued, a lot.”
Jay returned to her office and shut the door. She sank back down on the sofa. What did she expect after twenty-three years? The woman she knew as Charley had lived a different life for all that time. She picked the photo up off the table, where it had landed face down. The glass had cracked, a jagged line now separating Charley and Josh. A sign from the cosmos. After seeing her lover return from the dead, maybe it was time to start believing in the supernatural. The glass in the frame could be easily replaced, but it was going to take longer to repair their lost relationship. After Charley’s reaction just now, Jay wasn’t sure that was possible.
Setting the frame gently back on the table, she rested her head on the back of the sofa and let the tears flow.
†
I wait for Hilde on the steps outside the clinic. As soon as she comes out, I start walking and she hurries to catch up.
“Katrin, slow down.”
She hasn’t got used to calling me Charlotte. I’m hardly used to thinking of myself as Charlotte. I slow my pace and we walk in silence. It’s a longer walk than perhaps Hilde would like, but she stays with me. Sometimes I wonder how she feels about being my minder. Does she mind? I haven’t even met a Faroese representative yet. There is someone based here in London, but they must be on holiday. I should be their problem, not Denmark’s.
We go back through Hyde Park, retracing our steps from earlier. As we near the embassy, I ask if we can stop in the gardens at Hans Place.
We sit side by side on a bench, and I find my voice. “Julie was a beautiful baby. I remember holding her in my arms for the first time. Jay was there too. I was so happy. This would be the start of our family.”
Hilde doesn’t say anything.
“How could she let this happen? Is it even legal?”
She doesn’t ask what I’m talking about. Jay must have told her why I ran out. Finally she says, “Yes, it’s perfectly legal.” Hilde puts a hand on my arm and turns her head to face me. “I think this has all been too much for you today.” She stands and I follow her obediently.
Later, sitting on the bed in the room allocated to me, I think about Jay. I would have recognised her immediately. She has aged well. A few more lines around the eyes and mouth, but the same body shape, lean and sinewy. I wonder if she still plays tennis. She was so good on the court. I can see her in my mind’s eye, stretching to hit a ball, grace and beauty combined.
What did she think of me? I look nothing like that photo she keeps on her desk. My hair colour has faded from the bright red of my youth to a duller hue with flecks of grey. Redheads aren’t supposed to go grey.
†
Josh threw his arms around her and held on tight. Something he hadn’t done in years. After a
few moments of fierce hugging, he let go and collapsed onto the sofa.
“Is it really Charley? I can’t believe it.”
“It is definitely her.”
“You don’t seem too happy about it.” He studied her face closely as she sat opposite.
“She’s different.”
“Well, I guess she would be.” Josh pulled out his phone. “Where exactly are the Faroe Islands?”
“A long way from where their boat should have been.” Jay ran her fingers through her hair. “I need to talk to Mo, sort out the finances.”
“Is the cottage hers?”
“It was originally. But we put it in both our names before you were born. And I was able to pay off the mortgage with some of my tennis winnings.”
“When can I meet her? Does Tess know?”
“I don’t know the answer to either of those questions. Charley’s still adjusting to the way things have changed while she’s been away. Her memories of how things were will likely conflict with how they are now.” Jay thought this described her own state of mind.
“How did she look?”
“Older.”
“Obviously. Can you be more specific?”
“Just older. Her hair colour isn’t so bright, more lines on her face, but the same smile. She has another child, a son. I don’t know how that happened. I guess there was a man involved, but we didn’t get a chance to talk much.”
“So she might not remember she was a lesbian?”
Before Jay could respond, her phone rang. She picked it up. No caller ID but it was a London number. When she answered, she recognised the voice right away.
“Yes, of course. She’ll need to speak to my business manager, Mo Farrell.” Jay rattled off the number and then repeated it for Hilde. The next question wasn’t really a surprise, either. “I’m sure that can be arranged. Mo has a key.”
Josh looked at her, eyebrows raised as she ended the call.
“That was Hilde Pedersen from the embassy. Charley’s asking about money and she also wants to go to the cottage.”
“Hey, that’s great. We should call Tess and we can have a family reunion there.”
Jay didn’t want to burst his excited bubble just yet, but he would have to know eventually. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. From what I saw of her today, she’s still a bit fragile. Coming to terms with all the memories that are surfacing.”
“But we can tell Tess, can’t we?”
“I’m not sure she’s that keen to meet her yet. Charley only asked if she was well and didn’t seem that interested in the answer.”
“Well if you don’t call her, I will.”
“Okay, okay. I agree she needs to know. I just don’t want her to rush into journo mode, wanting to spread the story immediately.”
“I’m sure she wouldn’t do that.”
Jay wasn’t so sure, but she picked up her phone and took it into the kitchen to make the call.
†
“You’ll wear the carpet out, Tess. There’s no point worrying. She’ll see you when she wants to see you.”
Alice’s tone was calm, but that only wound Tess up tighter.
“Why doesn’t she want to see me now?”
“If she’s just remembering who she is after twenty-three years, I should think it’s a lot to take in.”
“But I’m her daughter.” Tess sank down on the sofa and let Alice draw her into an embrace.
“Well, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like she’s not keen on seeing Jay or Josh either.”
“But I need to see her.” Tess pushed her away and sat up. “The story will break and I should be the one who gets in first. This will be big.”
“So you want to use your connection to expose her to the world.” Alice’s eyes bored into her. “I don’t think you’re seeing this too clearly. You’re part of the story. Journos will be knocking on your door wanting the inside goss. And don’t forget, you’ll be selling out Donna and Cheryl too.”
“I’m not going to be ‘selling out’ anyone. This is a family story. My family.”
Alice got up and started pacing, covering the same length of carpet Tess had been treading. “What about those other families? The relatives of the ones who didn’t survive. I don’t think the social-media trolls are going to treat Charlotte Summersbridge too kindly. How was it that she was able to swim ashore? Isn’t this memory loss a bit convenient? What’s she been doing for twenty-three years? Was it guilt that made her stay away so long?”
“Guilt about what?”
“Well, that’s what we don’t know. But these questions will be asked.”
“You make it sound like she’ll be on trial.”
“Oh, it will be a trial, believe me. Trial by media.” Alice knelt in front of Tess and took her hands. Tears were trickling out of her eyes. “And I don’t want to see you get hurt. Yes, this woman’s your birth mother. But she doesn’t know you, any more than you know her. You have a real family, the parents who have loved you for thirty years. Can’t you see how devastating this will be for them when you announce to the world that you’re Charlotte’s daughter?”
The force of Alice’s words took Tess aback. Her own tears started. “But she did know me. She used to visit.”
“Yes, but you were very young when she disappeared. She didn’t see you growing up. She doesn’t know the person you are now. She doesn’t know anything about you.”
“I still want to see her.”
“It will be like meeting a stranger. Jay was her lover and it doesn’t sound like she’s been able to connect with her, so why would you be any different?”
Alice stood and pulled Tess to her feet. She held her close, waiting patiently for Tess’s breathing to calm. It was something she was good at, often pulling Tess back from the brink of making rash decisions. Tess sometimes wondered how Alice put up with her; they were complete opposites in many ways.
Chapter Twelve
The view from the cottage is the same. I stand looking out to the wide horizon. Not unlike the vista I had all those years on Suðuroy. Just flatter, tamer somehow.
Taking a deep breath of the sea air, I turn to look at the building that was once my home, my refuge. The addition of a conservatory is tastefully done, and I walk inside.
I hear the sounds from the kitchen. Mo left me staring at the sea and came in to put the coffee on. I walk through to this room I spent a lot of time in. As with everything since I came back, it’s not quite how I remember it.
Mo turns away from the counter. “The coffee will be ready in a few minutes. I’ve put the groceries away.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you want to be on your own now?”
We discussed this on the way here. Mo offered to stay nearby at the pub. It sounds so Greta Garbo, telling her I want to be alone. But I need to try to reconnect with the memories stored here. Although I try pushing it away, the desire to find my way back to Jay keeps surfacing.
“Not yet. Please stay for coffee, at least.”
I see that Mo has brought my backpack in as well. It contains my meagre possessions, a few clothes and books. My new phone.
Mo pours the coffee, places a mug in front of me, and sits when she’s added milk and sugar to her own.
“Jay said she changed the sheets before she left last time.”
“Does she come here often?”
“Yes. Every weekend.”
“Oh.” I feel a tug of guilt. My presence is keeping her from enjoying her weekend retreat. “It’s a long way from the city.”
“That seems to be what she likes about it. They held a vigil for you every year on the beach.”
“They?”
“Jay and Josh. Dougie whenever he was in the country.”
Dougie. Another name from the past. “Where is he now?”
“In Alaska, last I heard.”
“Does he know…about my…return?”
“Jay contacted him. But he won’t be able to leave for anot
her six weeks.”
“Did he…?” I’m not sure how to word this. “Was he around much while Julie was growing up?”
“On and off.”
“Wasn’t he able to stop Julie from making this change?”
“Look, Charlotte, you really need to take this up with Josh. He’s an adult, and although it’s been a shock for you, you’re going to need to accept him now as your son, if you want to have any relationship with him.”
Tears spring to my eyes. “I have a son. I thought I had two daughters.”
Mo seems uncomfortable. I try to control my emotions and wipe away the tears. She changes the subject, talking about the weather and the lack of visitors at this time of year. The beach, she tells me, will be empty. Just how I like it. She leaves after finishing her coffee. I hear the car drive away. A hire car. Mo didn’t think I’d appreciate the long journey on the back of her motorbike. Maybe I would have liked that if it hadn’t been raining.
Wandering into the living room, I light the fire that’s been pre-laid. By Jay, I guess. It was her habit to always leave the fireplace ready, primed for the next visit. While the logs catch fire, I stand in front of the mantelpiece and examine the photographs. Me, the same one Jay has on her desk. A more recent photo of her with the man I know as Dougie—Julie’s sperm donor—and the young person who is, or was, my baby daughter. They look happy.
I go into the bedroom and place my bag on the bed. This room is mainly unchanged. I loved waking here. With or without Jay beside me. The mornings with Jay didn’t allow for quiet contemplation. Months spent apart meant most of our time together was taken exploring each other’s bodies. Did she still want to explore mine? Or has that ship sailed, and sunk?
My body, dragged from the depths. That night of terror haunts my sleep now. Increasingly clear…the howling wind, the waves crashing over the bows. Then nothing but the pounding in my head, my limbs like lead, but somehow I keep moving until I arrive, battered and beached on a sandy shore, like a seal.
Struggling, as I did then to clamber onto a rock out of the reach of the oncoming waves, I make myself open a closet door.