by Jen Silver
She reached for her phone and poked the screen. Eleven forty-eight. Too late to call her now. She would text her first thing in the morning to set up a meeting when they arrived back in London.
†
Tess woke to find herself curled up against Alice, spooning an unfamiliar left side. Her hand brushed against the cast. The rigidity of the casing on the broken arm had led to some interesting positions in their lovemaking but hadn’t hampered the satisfactory results. Tess inhaled her lover’s scent greedily.
Recalling their conversation from the day before, she knew Al had played on her guilt with her announcement about applying to join the police force. Tess couldn’t object too strenuously after what she’d put Alice through.
Tess extricated herself from the bed slowly and went into the bathroom. She hoped Alice would manage to sleep through the noise of the shower.
She was dressed and putting the finishing touches to a breakfast of french toast and bacon before Alice emerged sleepy-eyed from the bedroom. She’d managed to pull on her pyjama bottoms but the top was dangling across her shoulders.
“Could you help me with this?”
Averting her eyes from the two nipples standing to attention on Alice’s chest, Tess managed the awkward manoeuvre of getting the injured arm into a sleeve. As she did up the buttons, her hands lingered over the breasts.
“I know what you’re thinking. They’re cold, that’s all.”
“I could warm them up for you.”
“They’ll still be there after we eat. This looks amazing.”
Tess gave a mock pout and turned her attention to plating up their breakfast and pouring coffee.
“Mm. This is delicious. You can definitely stay.”
“Gee, thanks. Was Deirdre’s cooking not up to your demanding standards?”
“She can make toast. Her coffee’s too weak. But she’s a tea drinker, so she doesn’t really get coffee.”
Tess’s phone pinged and she glanced at the screen to see who was sending the message. There were two she’d missed.
“Is that Cheryl or Donna checking up on you?”
“No, it’s…” Tess put her fork down. “It’s Jay Reid. She wants to know if I can meet them today at her house.”
“Them. Does that mean what I think it means?”
“Yeah. Wow. I hope so.”
“Can I come with you? I’d like to meet the woman I almost got killed for.”
Tess looked at her. More emotional blackmail. “Okay. But you’ll have to wear something other than your PJs.”
Alice looked down at herself. “I don’t know. I think they’re quite fetching.”
“In your dreams. When you were six.”
“Oh, come on. Who doesn’t like Paddington Bear?”
Tess rolled her eyes and picked up her phone. She answered, Yes, what time? Seconds later, the return message read, 1pm. It was going on eleven now, so there was no rush. She wondered what had brought about the sudden request. Maybe she was going to get her exclusive interview after all.
“Right, I’ll wash up. You go and see what you can find to wear. A tracksuit would be okay.”
Feeling energised for the first time since the accident, Tess wanted to get on her laptop and revise her list of questions. Then she remembered the laptop had been a casualty. Her files should be saved in the cloud, though. She left the dishes in the sink and picked up her phone.
Chapter Nineteen
I try not to disturb Jay as I tiptoe through the living room to the kitchen. She doesn’t wake when Ritchie jumps off the sofa to follow me. The pervasive aroma of coffee will soon draw out all the sleeping inhabitants. My mastery of the coffee machine in just a few days gives me a feeling of accomplishment. As I look out of the window at the lightening sky, I think it is these small things that can make life seem worthwhile.
I roll my shoulders. They are clear of the aches and creaks I’m used to. Jay’s strange massage that didn’t feel like she manipulated anything has worked wonders. I must ask her to explain it to me in more depth.
Ritchie nudges my leg as I open the fridge. I look down at his hope-filled little face.
“You’ll have to go and wake Jay or Josh. I know where your food is kept, but I don’t want to overfeed you.”
If he understands the words at all, his look implies that overfeeding is not a problem. Imminent starvation is likely, though, if I don’t fill his bowl soon.
“Don’t you need to go to the bathroom first? I know I do.”
He wags his tail enthusiastically. I let him out and go into the bathroom to see to my own needs. When I come out, Jay is in the kitchen preparing Ritchie’s food. I stand in the doorway admiring the view. She’s wearing only a tank top and shorts. Her body has lost none of its athletic shape in the intervening years. It also seems to be having an effect on my own body, a reflexive response signalling my desire? The doubts I harboured during the night fade into insignificance. The attraction is definitely still there.
The only doubt that remains…does she still want me?
She turns and the smile that greets me sends another jolt through my solar plexus and below.
“There’s not much here for breakfast. Ritchie’s all right, but the rest of us will have to share what’s left of the bread. I’ve thawed out the half-loaf that was in the freezer. We’ll have to stop at the first services en route for a top-up.”
When she bends down to place Ritchie’s bowl on the floor, I am treated to a tempting view of her toned backside.
What am I thinking? I’m a post-menopausal woman who has given birth to three children. I can’t imagine that Jay will be remotely interested in re-engaging with my wrinkled and sagging parts.
“I’ll go and get dressed.”
I catch a wink when she walks past, as if she’s read my mind.
We have finished all the toasted bread between us. That’s when Jay mentions she has thought of contacting Tess to help with ideas for talking to the press. Josh is immediately enthused, saying Tess is dying to meet me.
I realise that since arriving at the cottage, I haven’t given any thought to reuniting with the young woman I gave birth to so long ago.
They are all looking at me to judge my reaction.
“Yes, I would like that.”
“Great. I’ll text her now.”
†
Jay was surprised when Konrad said he would like to travel back with her. She had seen him conferring with Charley but expected him to want to go with Josh.
Charley came over to the Land Rover after Konrad and Ritchie had climbed in.
“I thought it would be good to spend some time alone with Josh. Are you okay with that?”
“Of course. You don’t need to ask. And I’m sure he’s delighted.”
“Well, if he’s fed up with my company by then, we can change over when we stop for our second breakfast.”
“It may be Konrad who wants to switch. This old Landie isn’t the most comfortable ride.”
“Yes, the novelty may wear off quickly. At the moment, he’s relishing all these new experiences.”
“Great. Well, we’ll see you there. I’m sure you and Josh will arrive ahead of us.”
A look of alarm crossed Charley’s face.
“Don’t worry, he’s a good driver.” Jay grinned. “He didn’t learn from me. He had a proper instructor.”
†
I study Josh’s hands as he rests them on the steering wheel. They are smoother than a man’s would be, I think. In profile, he passes well enough. There is a slight bulge in his jeans.
He looks over and sees where my eyes have strayed.
“It’s a pack-up.”
I flush at being caught staring at his crotch. “What’s that?” I ask, although I can guess.
“It’s a pouch that fits in my underwear, containing fake balls and a penis. I like the feel and it gives me confidence when I’m out and about.”
“So you haven’t had an operation…there.”
<
br /> “No. I’m saving up for one, but I’m still not sure if I’ll go through with it.”
I find it hard to imagine voluntarily going through with any kind of surgery, particularly something that would drastically change your body. There is a question nagging at me that I want to ask. But I hesitate. Jay said he’d had counselling before receiving any treatments. The question has probably been asked and answered before. But I want to know, I want to understand.
The motorway is fairly quiet and he’s driving at a steady pace. We left the Land Rover behind many miles ago and will probably arrive at the rendezvous service station well ahead of it. As I’m thinking this, Josh signals and moves across to the inside lane. We are almost there.
After he’s parked the car and turned off the engine, I put a hand on his arm to stop him getting out.
“I’m sorry. I have to ask this. I understand that you were very much a tomboy in your early years. I just wonder, with Jay as a role model, why you felt the need to change sex.”
“You mean, why wouldn’t I be happy being a butch lesbian?”
“Exactly that.”
“Unfortunately it’s not that simple. I just never felt right as a girl. Being a boy was all I ever wanted, dreamed about. Obviously when I was very young I wasn’t worried about it. Jay let me follow my interests. Making model ships, building things. The conflict really began when I started school. I hated being forced to wear a skirt. The playground was segregated into boys on one side, girls on the other. I didn’t want to join in with the skipping-rope games. I wanted to be playing football with the boys. I couldn’t relate to the things girls talked about. The teachers tried to make me participate. Nothing ever worked. I just became more and more withdrawn.”
“Jay said you cut yourself.”
“Yeah, I was feeling pretty desperate by then. I couldn’t see any way out of what I considered the ultimate horror…becoming a woman. I’m not proud of that now. Jay was devastated when she saw what I’d been doing to myself. But I was only ten. I didn’t think any adults would understand. I’m just lucky Jay did.”
I stare out of the windscreen. Cars and people are coming and going. Would I have been able to understand? Would I have dismissed it as a childish notion, something he would grow out of? I hate to admit I probably would have been a bad mother in this respect. Could I have listened to the concerns of my child with an open mind? I’ve had scientific training but that may not have adequately prepared me for this kind of personal crisis.
The Land Rover pulls into a space ahead of us. I squeeze Josh’s arm. “Thank you for telling me this. I’m sorry it’s taking me a while to catch up.”
He smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek. “You’re doing fine. I’m glad we can spend this time together.”
Konrad waves to us. He has Ritchie on a lead. When I get out of the car, he runs over.
“I’m taking him for a ‘comfort break’.”
He uses the English words Jay has told him, no doubt. She comes over and says she’ll put Ritchie back in the car when he’s done his business. Then they’ll join us in the café.
I follow Josh, making his way confidently through the throngs of people. Two coaches have disgorged their passengers, and they are all headed the same way. Josh disappears into the gents’. I find him waiting for me when I come out of the ladies’.
“How do you…?” I’m not sure how to phrase the question.
“I go in a cubicle.”
“You don’t feel uncomfortable?”
“I found it scary at first. But it’s okay as long as you don’t make eye contact. And more places are starting to have gender neutral toilets.”
I’m digesting this information when Konnie and Jay arrive. We agree to order our food and drinks before they go for their ‘comfort breaks’.
†
Jay sent Tess another text since there had been no reply to her first one. Maybe she had the day off, but Jay hadn’t got the impression Tess was one for lazing in bed all morning.
Konrad decided he wanted to ride in Josh’s car after the services stop. But he didn’t want to be parted from Ritchie.
Charley was quiet when they resumed their journey, and Jay wondered what she and Josh had talked about. During the night, she’d decided she should tell Charley about Amanda. It was fairly recent history, but Jay didn’t want her to find out from someone else.
There was another hour on the motorway before they reached the outskirts of London. This seemed like as good a time as any.
“There’s something you should know.”
Charley turned her head. “That sounds ominous.”
“I almost got married.”
“Well, I didn’t think you’d stayed celibate for all this time.”
“It’s just that…well, I’m not proud of myself. I shouldn’t have let it get that far. It was only ever sex for me. I know that Amanda wanted more, but I couldn’t give it. That should have been a clue. I broke it off, a week before the wedding.”
“That must have been hard…for her.”
“Yes. I haven’t seen her since. I only know she went on holiday with her friend, the one who was going to be her bridesmaid. No point in wasting the honeymoon booking, I guess. Josh was disappointed since he wouldn’t get to wear the best-man’s suit we had specially made for the occasion.”
“So you don’t regret breaking it off?”
Jay risked a sideways glance to gauge Charley’s reaction. “No. It was a big relief. Like I said, I should never have agreed to get married in the first place. Strangely enough, I’ve since then made friends with her father. Well, a sort of friendship. I went to see him because I thought I should speak to Amanda face-to-face, having only given her the news over the phone, and she wasn’t at her apartment. Anyway, he was clearly suffering from some lower-back pain, so I offered to treat him. I doubt we’ll be seeing much of each other, but he did come for two treatments.”
“If you succeeded in removing his pain, as you’ve done with mine, I’m sure he’ll be eternally grateful.”
“Glad to be of service.” Jay didn’t tell her how hard she’d had to concentrate on the process, to block out the desire threatening to rampage through her body at the sight of Charley lying on the floor, open to her touch. Her years of training and practice kicked in once she held her hands under Charley’s head.
“How long were you together? You and this Amanda.”
“Six months.”
“You were going to marry the woman after only six months?”
“Yeah, I know. You remember the old question of what do lesbians do on a second date? Answer…hire a U-Haul. Now they don’t just move in together, they get married.”
“When were you able to get married here?”
“Civil partnerships were introduced in 2005 by the Labour government. Then, surprisingly, the Tories took the next step and approved the Marriage Equality bill.”
Charley was silent for a time. Jay hoped she wasn’t too upset after the revelation about her engagement. The next question she asked wasn’t one Jay expected.
“How long have people here been able to legally change their…gender?”
Was this what she and Josh had talked about? Jay did know the answer. Josh was only eleven then and had just started using puberty blockers. She had done as much research as she could to be able to answer his questions at the time.
“In 2005.”
Jay couldn’t guess what’s going through Charley’s mind. But she seemed to have taken the first steps to accepting Josh as her son.
†
Tess and Alice stood back to let a silver Ford Fiesta pass through the archway into the mews. It came to a stop outside the door to Jay’s house. A boy Tess didn’t recognise got out of the passenger side. She did know the dog that leapt out after him.
As they drew closer to the vehicle, the driver rolled the window down and called out, “Hi, Tess.”
She walked over to see Josh grinning up at her. “Mum and Charley w
ill be here soon. I’m just going to park the car. Konrad will let you in.”
“Who’s Konrad?”
“Long story. See you in a few.” He performed a neat three-point turn and drove out of the mews.
The boy had opened the door to the house and disappeared. Tess looked at Alice and shrugged. “Better go in, then.”
When they arrived in the kitchen, Konrad was filling Ritchie’s water bowl. He placed it on the floor for the thirsty dog before turning to greet them.
“Hi. I am Konrad.”
“I’m Tess and this is Alice.”
“Josh say to make coffee. Okay?”
“Yes.” Tess smiled.
He clearly knew his way around the kitchen as he set about preparing the coffee machine and locating mugs. Tess hoped he wasn’t someone Josh had picked up. If he had, it was clearly a halo effect, as this Konrad looked a lot like him. A bit on the young side for a boyfriend anyway, she thought. But then she didn’t know if Josh was interested in boys or girls. She hoped he wouldn’t be long.
A rumbling noise under their feet startled all three of them. Only Ritchie was unperturbed. He went to stand at the top of the stairs, tail wagging.
“Oh, the garage door. That means Jay’s here already.” Tess grabbed Alice’s good arm to steady herself. An attack of nerves assaulted her. She was finally going to meet the woman she’d been obsessing about for all these weeks.
Jay entered first and stooped to pat Ritchie’s head. She was followed into the kitchen by a woman bearing some resemblance to the photos Tess had seen. Well, she couldn’t have expected her to look the same after twenty-three years. The bright red hair was a more subdued shade of auburn where it wasn’t flecked with grey. A face lined with age spoke of a life lived outdoors. Her blue eyes hadn’t lost any of their lustre, though. And they were homed in on her.
Tess stepped forward.
†