“Jamie, please come to bed,” Callum finally huffed. Having emotions was all well and good, but this was ridiculous.
“I’m not cuddling while we discuss this.” Jamie gripped the arms of the chair for dear life. Callum struggled not to laugh at him, or curse in exasperation.
Sitting up in bed against a stack of pillows and wrapped in one of Callum’s shirts, Nerea ran her hands over her face. “Can you please stop acting as if we aren’t all on the same side?”
“Fine. Then explain to me how that works,” Jamie said. “Because the way I see it — and I’ve now spent more than a day thinking about this — either you and Callum are having another baby, which means there’s not really room for me; or you’re having my baby and Callum’s going to be gracious about that, which also means there’s not really room for me; or you’re going to have an abortion and then we’ll all be pissed off and sad and awkward ’til we break up. So excuse me if I don’t feel like being in your bed for this disaster that I’ve ruined my relationship with my parents for. Also it’s Christmas Eve and who has conversations like this on Christmas Eve? People are supposed to be all into baby Jesus, not worried about an actual baby.”
“Jamie — ” Nerea tried to cut him off.
“What?”
“You are being an awful human being right now,” she said.
“So?” he retorted.
“Where is this coming from? You’ve been so sane.”
“Yeah and then I had to spend all day around your families, who still don’t know what to do with me, and not talking to my family, who still aren’t speaking to me.”
Nerea and Callum exchanged a look.
“What?” Jamie demanded.
Callum frowned. “Get your arse out of that chair and sit on this bed right now so we can have this conversation with you the way it needs to be had.”
He sighed in relief when Jamie got up and slunk over.
“Fine,” Jamie said when he sat down.
“Can I rewind?” Callum asked Nerea, who only made an irritated gesture in response.
Callum took Jamie’s hands in his own. “You’re having a panicked meltdown about this, regardless of any complicating factors. I have been there. I get it.” In a way, Callum — both present and past — was grateful to have someone to share this particular experience with. Jamie’s sullen belligerence in the face of life’s vagaries, while concerning, was well-earned.
“Okay, fair and all, but when you knocked Nerea up you got to marry her and feel responsible. What am I supposed to do?”
Callum boggled at Jamie. It was, in its way, a fair question, but Callum had no idea how to respond.
Nerea, though, giggled. When Callum and Jamie turned their heads simultaneously to look at her, her giggling turned into outright laughter. Callum started to chuckle himself; her mirth was infectious and the stress and absurdity of the situation demanded some sort of outlet. Jamie caught it, too, and before long the three of them were tangled in a laughing, hysterical heap on the bed.
“Okay,” a breathless Jamie finally said. “I’m done being a prick. For now. I think.”
Nerea swatted him lightly on the arm. “Good.”
“Sorry about that,” Jamie said.
Nerea smiled. “I think we’ve learned never to let you stew about anything.”
Jamie sat up. “I still have questions.”
Nerea kissed him gently and then settled back against the pillows. “Ask away.”
“You and Callum got married, he said, ’cause you gave him a list of conditions when you got pregnant with Leigh.”
“He told you that, did he?” Nerea turned a fond gaze on Callum. Callum couldn’t help but smile back.
“So if you do have this baby, do you have a list for me?”
There were times when Callum couldn’t believe that Jamie was real. What had he done to deserve someone so lovely to share life, and Nerea, with?
“I think it’s helpful, not to mention necessary, to remember that I’m forty-eight and the chances of me carrying a baby to term are very low,” Nerea said. “Assuming that’s something I want to do.”
“Should I be assuming that?” Jamie asked carefully.
“We are sitting here worrying about it,” she said. “It’s a terribly romantic notion, but I don’t know. I like my life, Jamie. I like my marriage; I like our relationship; I like my body; I like my career. Pregnancies change all those things.”
Callum kept his face studiously neutral. Now was not the time to gush about how much he wanted a baby.
“What do you need from me if you don’t have the baby? For whatever reason?” Jamie asked.
“In that case, I want your support in whatever happens and whatever choice I make. If it’s too much for you, or too hard, you’re welcome to leave, as you would be in any relationship.”
“And in the other case?” Jamie asked, hesitantly and with a flash of hope he was trying, and failing, to conceal.
Nerea looked at Callum before she turned back to Jamie. She took Jamie’s hand in one of hers and laced the fingers of her other hand through Callum’s. “I can’t be a single parent again. Not at my age, and also, not ever again. So I would need commitments, from both of you that at least one of you is going to be present at all times. If — and I can’t emphasize enough how big an if this is — if there’s a baby, I don’t want to be the primary parent. Not at six months, not at six years, and not at sixteen. I’ve done my time.”
Jamie, to Callum’s deep pleasure and utter shock, nodded instantly and even eagerly. “I can do that,” he said.
“Can you really?” Nerea looked as surprised as Callum felt.
“Of course I can. I mean, I won’t have much clue of what I’m doing, but my sisters have kids and you guys were probably as clueless as me when you had Leigh, right? So — yeah. Yeah. I want to be with you. Both of you. And if this happens to be a part of that life. I’m not going to say no.”
“That’s very generous of you,” Callum said. And it was. Possibly more than it was wise of Jamie to offer. “But you have a brilliant career opening up. Wanting to be a parent and present is all well and good, but just how much of your job are you willing to give up? Because, speaking as someone who knows, either way, you’re going to have to make sacrifices.”
Jamie fell silent, but it was the silence of thoughtfulness and someone making a plan, not of regretting offers made.
Callum turned his attention back to Nerea. There were plans and promises he wanted — needed — to make too. “I’m content with any decision you make,” Callum said. “I know I’ve screwed up before, but if there’s an opportunity for another chance, it would be the joy of my life to make up for that.”
Nerea looked between the two of them and briefly pressed a hand to her breastbone. “That’s sweet, both of you. It really is. But Callum, how you feel and what you can do aren’t necessarily the same. And Jamie, Callum’s right that you need to consider your career. Speaking of which, aren’t you both scheduled to go on a contractually obligated press tour in eight months? Together?”
Callum looked at Jamie, who was staring back at him with a look of utter horror on his face.
“Oh,” Callum said.
Jamie turned to Nerea. “Is that a reason you don’t want to have a baby, or a reason you’d be annoyed about having a baby?”
“Start of a long list. After which comes I’m forty-eight,” she said. “That’s a concern both for my sake and a baby’s. The risk of complications increases, the risk of birth defects increases — ”
Jamie’s head snapped toward her. “Birth defects like what?”
“Oh, God, any of them. Congenital heart problems, Down Syndrome — ”
Jamie had leapt up from the bed and started pacing. “No. No. No, no, no, no, no,” he said, agitated.
Nerea looked at Callum, baffled, but Callum had no idea either. He shrugged.
“Jamie, I’m afraid that’s the science,” Nerea told him.
�
��No,” Jamie said again. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?” Nerea asked.
“You know Aoife? My sister?”
Callum’s heart sank. He could see where this might be going. And if he was correct, Jamie was going to have every right to be upset with what Nerea had just said.
“You’ve mentioned her,” Nerea said. “The one who just got engaged, yes?”
“Yes.” Jamie nodded. “She’s my favorite person in the whole world. More than you, more than Callum. And she has Down Syndrome.”
Nerea covered her mouth with her hand. Shock, Callum thought, that somehow neither of them had known and together had been callous for it. Jamie could be so forthcoming, and yet there was always more. He was so kind, and yet always seemed to keep so many secrets in his life so unbearably close. Callum suddenly wanted to know about all of Jamie’s sisters. He felt chagrin for all the times he and Nerea had never asked. Callum wished for Jamie to trust them with the whole of his world, but Callum could see now why that hadn’t happened yet.
“And that,” Jamie said, angry, “is why my very decent but imperfect parents freaked out about her engagement and then had a meltdown when I told them about you.”
“We didn’t know,” Callum said uselessly.
“And you shouldn’t assume that every family is like yours!” Jamie exclaimed. “I love my sister. When I told her about you she couldn’t stop laughing. She didn’t believe me! I told her I was dating a movie star and his wife, and she thought what I was saying about the three of us sounded too good to be true. So if you don’t want to have a baby, I guess that’s fine. But if you don’t want to have a baby like Aoife — because you think it’s too hard or not cool or you’re too busy or famous or whatever — that I can’t do. I can’t be here for that.”
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Nerea asked.
“Because I shouldn’t have to say any of this? Because she’s a person, and I wanted you to meet her first?”
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t know.” Nerea echoed Callum.
“Well, now you do.” Jamie stopped pacing and dropped into the chair again.
“Perhaps I am coming at this with a set of biases I didn’t even realize I had.” Nerea took a deep breath and glanced at Callum.
He nodded at her. As he kept saying to Jamie and himself, Nerea came first. Whatever her feelings were, she should express them without checking them with Callum.
“I’m willing to acknowledge that and to learn from you and your family,” she said. “But the reality is, while you may want a baby regardless of what type of baby, my age restricts my ability to care for a child who in any way needs long-term care. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and it wouldn’t be fair to them.”
“Aoife’s getting married,” Jamie repeated. “She and Patrick are getting a flat in a community that can support them. Don’t assume what someone needs from you when you don’t know.”
“I’m learning Jamie. I’m trying, I really am. I am, once again, only one of three potential parents here,” she added. “Regardless of any of these issues, I can’t be the primary parent. I’ve said that before and I have a feeling I’m going to keep saying that until this plays out one way or another. So that ball is in your court, boys. It’s also only one of our many problems.”
“But you could love a Down Syndrome kid? As long as we did all the work?”
“Of course I could love her,” Nerea said. “That’s not in question. Not to me. And not, I hope, for you.”
“What are the other problems?” Callum asked, circling back to the remark that had been half-buried by the crisis of the moment.
“Our lives, our schedules, our homes,” Nerea said. “Jamie. You split your time between Dublin, London, and — if we continue this pattern — Spain. Callum and I split our time between London and here. We are three adults with time-consuming careers and somewhat itinerant lives.”
Callum wondered how they hadn’t talked about this before. But then, there hadn’t been an immediate need to. Not like this.
“This international jet-setting lifestyle is compelling in theory,” Nerea went on. “But in practice, it’s not an arrangement that’s sustainable. And that’s true whether I’m having a baby or not. So if you need to find some new reading material to occupy you, Jamie, start brainstorming solutions as to how we’re going to fix that.”
Callum said nothing. He wanted to see what Jamie’s response would be.
“That’s easy,” Jamie said. “We’re all just going to have to move.”
Chapter 33 - Nerea is grateful for drama that does not involve her
Christmas morning dawned cold and clear with a sharp wind that whistled down the terraced hillside. Nerea woke before either Jamie or Callum and had no interest in lingering in bed. As much as she loved them, she needed a few minutes just to herself.
She crept downstairs, aware that the rest of the house was still asleep. She did not want to rouse any of her guests. She supposed that was one advantage of not having young children around anymore: Quiet mornings and moments alone, even on Christmas Day.
In the kitchen she made tea and sat at the table by the window, watching dawn grow over the hills. She would miss this house terribly if and when they left it. She struggled to imagine it not being part of her life, not just at Christmas and for great family celebrations, but on the quiet, ordinary days meant for just her and anyone else she chose to include in her life. She had so many fond memories here, from when she was a girl and from when her daughters were children.
No matter how foolish, she could even picture herself here next Christmas with a new baby. Callum would burst with pride to show it off to their family, and Jamie would be the sweetest and most attentive parent. She herself would not just have joy in the baby, but also triumph over the neighborhood and all its judgment of her. In an ideal world she would be able to raise it here, on her family’s land and surrounded by the history that was so much a part of her life. It was a beautiful daydream, and it hurt to think how unlikely it was to come to pass.
She wasn’t surprised to see Callum padding down the stairs fifteen minutes later. Even with Jamie in the bed, he could tell when she wasn’t there. And after the events of last night, small wonder that he’d seek her out for a quiet moment alone together.
He sat down across from her and slipped her mug out of her hands, his fingers cool against hers.
“Get your own.” Her hands chased his, and she wound up with his hands wrapped around both her slender fingers and the mug.
“How are you?” he asked quietly.
“To be honest, I hardly know,” her voice was nearly a whisper. “There are so many decisions and so many things to think about. Where am I supposed to even start?”
They were interrupted by a clatter at the doorway. Nerea and Callum turned to see Thom stagger into the kitchen. He started opening cupboards at random until Callum cleared his throat.
Thom jumped. “Jesus,” he moaned. “Sorry. Didn’t see you there.”
“Coffee’s in the cupboard to the right of the stove,” Nerea told Thom. In spite of everything, Nerea shot Callum an amused look.
“Mm. Thank you.”
There was a brief interval while Thom got the machine running, stood humming under his breath until it was done, and then took a mug and, to Nerea’s discomfort, the whole pot with him. She suspected the rest of that pot was for Piper, and this was not the moment for Callum to find out about any of that.
“Where do you want to start?” Callum asked once Thom was gone.
It took Nerea a moment to refocus. “I don’t know. But I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m forty-eight.”
“You keep saying that. And?”
Nerea did not say that she was repeating herself because, apparently, Callum and Jamie needed to hear things over and over again to absorb them. “And, I did not anticipate the possibility of having to care about someone’s every need until I turn sixty-five.”
“You’d have help. I meant every word I said last night.”
“Sixty-five, Callum. When do I get to come first?”
Callum said nothing.
“Yes, you see, there’s no answer.”
“What do you want me to say?” Callum tried.
Nerea ignored him. “And that’s to say nothing of the next nine months. What about complications? Or miscarriage? I’m too old for this to be smart, and the likelihood of this ending in tears is very high.”
“You’ve always had easy pregnancies,” Callum pointed out. Nerea couldn’t yell at him because he wasn’t trying to talk her into anything, just stating the facts. But he made it seem possible. And he made it seem desirable. Which wasn’t helpful.
“Easy pregnancy is a relative concept!” she protested. “And I don’t want to even think about trying to lose baby weight at forty-nine.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
Nerea sighed. She didn’t have the energy to explain the unpleasantries of her reluctant life in the public eye right now. “Yes, because you have a prick. Which is how we’re in this mess.”
“You think it’s mine?” Callum asked.
Nerea shook her head. “I don’t, but I couldn’t tell you why.”
“Me neither.”
“Does that change how you feel about it?” she asked.
“No. I mean, yes, but not like you think.”
“How then?”
“We talked. Jamie and me. In the car on the way from the airport. What was really cutting him up — I mean, aside from him being scared he won’t be able to go to his sister’s wedding and that his parents will never speak to him again — is the idea that he’ll never get married. Not in a way that means something to other people. Not if he stays with us.”
“Oh,” Nerea said. She should have thought of that herself. But somehow, in the recent chaos, she hadn’t.
“And,” Callum said, bracing himself. “If Jamie’s really in this, this may be his one chance to be a father.”
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