by Dana Pratola
“Yup.”
I couldn’t breathe. “Brew? What’s he doing here?”
Both pairs of eyes turned to me, Ben’s confused, Tory’s surprised.
“Kash didn’t tell you?” Ben asked.
“Tell me what?”
They exchanged a look and Tory looked back at Ben. “Fiancé,” she said, tilting her head. “All those times she cut Brew up to us….”
“Cover,” Ben replied, raising his coffee.
“Tell me what?” I repeated, a little more assertive this time.
Ben looked down at me. “To use Kash’s words, ‘We had a shootout. He lost.’ After that, they took Kash to the station. I was drunk for a lot of what came next.”
“Drunk. When your wife’s in labor,” Tory scolded.
I shook my head, hoping to clear some of the muddle, hoping I’d heard wrong. “Wait, go back. Shootout? That’s how Josiah got the wound on his arm?” Dear Lord, he could have been killed!
“Maybe ask Kash, Brenna. He’s the only one with all the details.” He turned to Tory. “Believe me, I sobered up real quick for the delivery. This hangover is punishment enough. No doubt Jill’s not gonna let me forget it for the rest of our lives, though.”
Tory laughed. “No doubt. I don’t blame her.”
“Turns out she was glad to have Paisley there through some of the labor. It’s good for her to see the reality of what sex gets you. Incentive for her to keep the Thompson boys away. I better get back.” With that, he started to walk away.
“Oh, let’s go see the baby,” Tory said to me. “As long as we’re here. Unless you need to get off your foot.”
Resigned to not receiving any answers just yet, I aimed my crutch after Ben. “Lead on.”
“Hey!”
My heart leapt at the sound of Josiah’s voice behind me and I turned, a little too quickly, stumbling over my own foot and knocking myself in the forehead with the top of the crutch. He was at my side instantly, bracing me with his arm around my waist.
“Watch out,” he said, leaning in even more, cinching me to his side.
My breath caught as I looked up into his eyes.
“Now I can help you get around,” he said, smiling. Then his sites turned to Ben. “Ben, wait up!” He looked back down at me. “Want a piggyback?”
Well, he wasn’t angry. Quite the opposite. I giggled. “No, I’ll manage.”
“I got her.” Tory said. “You go on.”
Josiah caught up with Ben, hugging and congratulating him on his baby. Then Ben leaned over and said something that had him stopping in his tracks, glancing back at me. Josiah slapped him on the back and marched off with him.
*****
Sky Elizabeth Stowell, the picture of pink perfection, sucked on one tiny fist, grasping her daddy’s finger with the other. Ben was so proud, his eyes welling with tears more than once. It was beautiful to watch. At the same time, I felt like an intruder even as I lingered near the door watching this intimate moment reserved for family and close friends, not for someone who’d met the mother less than fifteen minutes ago.
Yet I couldn’t turn away. Watching Josiah was just as beautiful, his face lit with joy, his friends’ happiness his own. If I wasn’t mistaken, his eyes had glistened as well, and I wondered if he pondered, as I had, that a few days ago it had still been a possibility he wouldn’t see Sky, or anyone else.
When my own eyes stung with tears and I turned slightly away to blink them back, he slipped his hand in mine and gave a squeeze.
“We’re going to go. Let you guys bond,” he told Ben and Jill, leaning over to kiss her cheek. He slapped Ben on the back, nodded to Tory as I said my goodbyes, and maneuvered me from the room.
“Beautiful family,” I said.
“Yes.”
The smile he’d had in the room had vanished and he stared mostly straight ahead as we walked.
“Are you upset with me?” I asked.
“Upset, yes. With you?” He spared me a glance and gave me half a smile. “No. Not with you.”
When we got outside, I assumed we would go to his truck, but he walked me around the side of the hospital to a green park with a little pond, trees, and a few benches. He directed me to sit, then lowered himself beside me. A male and female nurse passed with a wave on their way back into the building.
“We have to talk, Brenna. It can’t wait.”
He was so serious I didn’t believe it could. “Okay.”
“First, I need you to know how sorry I am.” I started to speak, but he cut me off. “Almost losing you was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through.”
Almost losing you…. That sounded as though I’d been his in some way. My heart wanted to leap—my pulse certainly did—but I had to be mistaken, or misinterpreting his language.
“When I couldn’t find you and…. I know I had it coming.”
“I didn’t leave to punish you,” I said, confused. Did he believe that? “I didn’t think my leaving would matter to you.”
He looked at me horrified, like the words that had just left my mouth were the most terrible uttered.
“I thought Ben and Sandy would get in your ear and erase anything we’d been….” I felt myself flush, embarrassed. What if I was wrong in thinking we’d established a heading toward a romantic relationship?
“Go ahead. Please,” he urged.
Okay, why not? I was out here floundering anyway, right? “I thought we might be … getting close. Then they came to the cabin telling me all the reasons why you hate Brewster and accusing me of hiding our relation, when I had no—”
“I know,” Josiah said, placing a hand on my leg to calm the rising nerves he clearly heard in my elevated voice.
I took a breath. “Then I thought, well, I told you I was related and you had basically no reaction. So given their assessment, and your silence, I figured you were somehow using me to get back at him.”
I held up a hand when he started to defend himself. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but in that context, I didn’t see any other reason why you wouldn’t say something.” I swallowed a ball of hot tears. “I just wanted to stay away. I knew we’d have to talk and I wasn’t ready.” I sniffed. “I’m not sure I am now.”
He stared into my eyes and I was sure he wanted to say something other than what he did.
“Look, I’d be lying to say there weren’t a few moments of doubt and suspicion. You never wanted to talk about your family….”
I stared at his hand still on my leg and covered it with my hand. “My mother died last year. She’d been sick a long time. My uncle Dean was sick, too, and had said he would leave her his ranch—she always dreamed of starting a horse rescue—and she felt a little betrayed when it ended up going to Brew. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s a devious, lying….” I sighed and forced a smile as my eyes filled with withheld tears. “I don’t like to talk about things that upset me. What’s the use? It was very painful, and everything went wrong at the same time, but that’s all in the past anyway, right? My car, my apartment. My mom.”
I choked out a sob. No holding that one back. Josiah gathered me in his arms, bracing for the flood, but I held it back, as usual, and edged away from him so that he released me.
“It’s actually not in the past, Brenna. I want to talk to you about that.”
I didn’t think I could take hearing one more negative thing, but stared up at him, waiting.
“Jim told me Brew bragged how he stole the ranch from you.”
“Stole the ranch?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I checked into it. Did you know your mom had a will?”
I shrugged. “She had nothing to leave.”
“She did. She had a will that said so. Your uncle Dean had one, too, and he did leave her the ranch.”
Confusion exploded inside me and a tingle of excitement crept across my shoulders. “How?”
“I went down to Harvey Sinnet’s office to find out why she never got it,” Josiah said, a determination in
his eyes that made him look very dangerous.
“I know Harvey,” I said. “Smarmy lawyer stereotype. Mom knew him growing up. He was her lawyer?”
“Yes, and he handled—or should I say mishandled—the whole thing to Brew’s favor. Brew had him worm around it somehow.”
“That slimy…. Both of them. That’s so illegal!”
“Yup. I told Harvey he better undo the whole thing or get Brew to sign that deed over to you by week’s end or they’ll be reminiscing over it for years to come in adjoining cells.”
I was beside myself! How had he even accomplished this? I shook my head, awed.
He shook his, too. “Anyway, we can talk about that later. Go back to the part where you misjudged me and thought I was mad at you.”
Was he laughing at me or just happy with himself for performing such an amazing feat? Either way, I ignored his small smile and went on.
“Anyway, yes, I was upset because you were mad at me for being related to Brew, and when I put it together with you lying about being able to see, I thought … I almost believed you … wanted to find me to twist the knife,” I said, helpless to find a better explanation.
“I can see where you would think so.”
I turned my palms up, then back down. “So, I planned to go back to the house and wait. I knew you would come to talk. Not sure I know what the point is.”
“First, I wanted to tell you, yeah, I had a couple blips of doubt, but I know you could never be anything but sweet and caring, that you’re not a heartless, self-seeking gold-digger. I know that.”
He stared into my eyes for an uncomfortable length of time, until I had to blink and turn away.
“For another thing, I wanted to explain about getting my sight back.”
“You lied to me,” I said, returning to those depthless dark eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Even now, it still hurt. “You’ve been watching me. Walking around the house … all the times I looked at you … and….”
I was only glad he hadn’t watched me tapping two stupid stones together like an idiot the first day we’d spoken. At least I didn’t believe he had. He’d seen enough. I brought my hands to my face, as if covering it would shield me from the humiliation. He must’ve thought I was such a fool, he’d probably laughed at me, too. How could he not?
“Brenna.” He gently pulled my hands away and tucked his index finger under my chin. “I saw how you looked at me. I saw the compassion on your face and knew you would have done anything to help me, if it were possible.”
“I would have,” I blurted, tears stinging my eyes.
He took my hands in his and drew me closer. “I know. I felt it even when I couldn’t see it. Your strength, your … caring, made a huge impact.”
He stumbled over the word caring, like he’d intended to use a completely different word. He couldn’t have seen that I love him, could he?
“You pretended you were blind,” I said, stalling, hoping the reminder would distract him from what must surely be written all over my face.
“You pretended you were a ghost.”
“I did it because I was afraid!”
“So did I.”
He paused and looked out over the little greenish pond as though he’d revealed too much and was considering whether to go on.
“It was a terrible thing to do. Low. Deceptive.” He turned to me then. “I didn’t mean it that way, Brenna, I didn’t. At first, I just wanted to see you, talk to you, when there were still no barriers between us.”
“Sight is a barrier?”
“Sure. People act differently when they know they’re being watched.”
I had to admit the truth in that. I saw the difference between Josiah when I knew he was blind and when I now realized he’d had his sight. That lost vulnerability.
“I know it’s not an excuse,” he said. “All I can say is I never meant to hurt you. I tried to tell you so many times.”
I recognized that as the truth, too. At least four separate occasions popped into my mind.
“So, when did you first see me?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t been doing anything embarrassing at the time.
“Well, I woke up with sight on Tuesday morning. You’d already left for work. That night, when you came out of the shower, after I knocked Wally on his— That was my first time seeing you.”
“You, knocked….” I said, seeing the humor in it now even though I should be angry, and mortified that Josiah had seen me with stringy wet hair, wearing a boxy towel.
Though I also remembered when I’d gone to change, he had made sure to steer clear of my room. I’d still thought him blind, yet he hadn’t opted for a sneak peek.
He smirked, then smiled. “But when I saw you…. I….” He shook his head. “I just need you to believe me when I say I was already gone before I ever saw you.”
My heart vibrated inside me, acknowledging something deep and extraordinary, something that my brain hadn’t yet deciphered. As though my soul had suddenly become enlightened to a fact which my understanding had missed entirely. I sensed I desperately needed to catch up and wished he would clarify.
“I’m in love with you, Brenna.”
Okay, I heard the words that time, not just with my heart, ears as well. Still, it didn’t register. Love? He loved me? How?
I felt my eyes widen and a giggle/snort hybrid escaped me. An odd bubble I couldn’t contain. He took my hands in his.
“I did lie to you,” he admitted. “Because I was afraid. Partly because I didn’t want to frighten you off, being alone in the house with me. And I didn’t think you’d come home with me if you knew I had my sight.”
He sighed and I felt genuinely sorry for what he must have gone through.
“We started connecting at the house. You felt it, not just me,” he said, with a small lift of his chin, confirming my own feeling. “I didn’t want to lose that trust, and it gnawed at me something awful thinking you might want to stay out of pity. Everyone warned me to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t seem to find the moment.” He cracked a half-smile. “Believe it or not, I was finally going to tell you right before we kissed. Then… Tory showed up and ruined it.” He rubbed my hand, staring down at it. “But I’m in love with you and here we are. Please forgive me.”
He loved me. Me! And I loved him! How was that even possible? He was gorgeous and strong, and … everything! And he wanted me? That made as much sense as us having found one another in an abandoned house to begin with.
I love you too, teetered on the tip of my tongue, but by the time I finished my inner rumination about how or why this may have happened, and what it meant moving forward, I was afraid it would no longer sound organic. I only wished I had something to say—anything—that wouldn’t make me sound like a stuttering dolt.
I cleared my throat and opened my mouth, hoping coherent words would form.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said, before I could. “I don’t expect you to say I love you back.”
“I do,” I blurted. “I do love you. I’m trying to figure out how to say it, that’s all. Keep quiet a minute, let me think.”
His eyebrows went up and he grinned. And kept grinning. It was very distracting, all those white teeth.
“You know what?” I changed my mind. “Talk. I don’t care what subject, just stop smiling like that, I can’t think with you smiling.”
His lips twitched. “Well, it’s funny you say that. Kind of coincidental.”
“What is?”
“That you can’t say I love you.”
“I didn’t say I couldn’t,” I corrected. “I said I didn’t know how to say it.”
“Ah.” He nodded. “Right. Well I was just talking to Scout about you. My horse. I talk to him about everything. Told him all about you. He can’t wait to meet you, by the way.”
“You told him about me?” I asked, pressing a palm to my breastbone. I found that extremely endearing.
“Sure. He’s right abou
t most things so I wanted to get his take.”
“What did you tell him?”
“First that I didn’t know what I’d do if you don’t forgive me.”
“I forgave you,” I told him.
“He said you would.”
I giggled.
“Then I told him I’m crazy for you and think you’re pretty crazy for me too, but don’t know how to get you to say it because you’re probably kind of nervous about the whole thing.”
I licked my lips, smiling. “And what did he say?”
“He took your side.” Josiah turned to face the water once again, the reflection shimmering in his eyes. “Said he didn’t blame you for being gun shy and that you’d tell me you love me, but I had to help you along.”
I studied his profile for a lengthy few seconds, watching his lashes cast shadows on his face when he blinked. “Did he tell you how?”
He returned teasing eyes to mine. “Not exactly. But I told him I was dying to kiss you again.”
My heart thumped once hard, then caught. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more in this life than to kiss Josiah again. “Oh?”
“He said a kiss wouldn’t be enough to coax an I love you, though. At least not if I kissed you.”
“He said that?”
“Mm hmm.”
“What else did he say?” I had to ask.
He reached up and twirled a cord of my hair around his middle finger. “That I should hold off. Let you make the first move when you’re ready.”
But I wanted him to kiss me. Now! I was ready now!
“Do you always listen to what Scout says?” I asked, past the pounding of my heart in my throat.
One side of Josiah’s mouth kicked up in a sly smirk. “Don’t think I should?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure he knows what he’s talking about. I mean, how much experience does he have with women?”
“Hmm,” he hummed in the back of his throat. His gaze turned dark, as he inched closer. “But I trust his instincts. He’s never steered me wrong,” he added, quietly.
I would have nodded then, but his lips hovered so close to mine, I was afraid he might think I initiated a kiss. Made the first move. It wasn’t like me at all. I wasn’t the one taking advice from a horse. Yet, I had to kiss him. Just had to.