by Rachel Aaron
“Good to know,” the warrior said, standing a bit straighter. “Not that I fear her, but your sister is not someone I want on my heels ever again.”
“Me neither,” James agreed, looking up at where the Dead Mountain cast an even darker blotch against the moonless sky. “Ready to do this?”
His brother turned without a word, marching down the broken road away from camp toward the ever-looming spire of the Once King’s fortress.
Chapter 11
Tina
Tina couldn’t sleep.
She’d tried after James left, but all she’d managed was to find new ways to get her armor caught in the blankets. She was grateful her brother had told her he was going, but now she had to worry about him, and it was driving her insane. At least he’d finally let her in on what had happened all those years ago. She’d known it was bad, but for once, the truth had been worse than her imagination. Poor James. He hadn’t deserved any of that, and he definitely hadn’t deserved all her yelling. She’d felt so righteous at the time, but looking back, all Tina could see was a selfish teenager too caught up in her own woes to realize that her brother was suffering too.
They really were two peas in a pod, weren’t they?
Well, she was going to do better. James was the savior of multiple cities at this point. If anyone could make the Once King listen, it was him. And if he didn’t, Tina would be there to save his tail. Or zombie tail, as the case might be.
But she was not going to think about that. She was going to keep her damn word and trust her brother and get some sleep because she was a responsible leader, and these things mattered. It helped that she already knew exactly how much trouble she’d make if she tried to stop him. Neko was still complaining about—
“Halt.”
The sudden command made her jump. Then she flopped back down, remembering the guards Zen had insisted on posting. It made sense, she supposed, but knowing there were people standing right outside her tent made sleeping even harder. She was totally going to dismiss them as soon as whoever this was went away.
“Roxxy’s asleep,” the guard said, his voice offensively loud through the canvas. “Take it to Zen or Richard.”
Well, maybe there were a few perks to having—
“This is personal,” a smooth elven voice replied, derailing her thoughts completely. “I just want a word.”
Tina shrank down in her armor. Craaaaaap. And here she’d thought the night couldn’t get any longer. She was tempted to stay quiet and let the guard—who’d totally just proved his worth—deal with it, but that would be cowardly. It would also be wrong. Sitting in the dark tent, it was all too easy to remember how she’d felt trapped under the landslide. All those regrets had made an absolute mess of her heart. Scratch that; her heart had been a mess since Bastion, and it wasn’t going to straighten itself out until she dealt with this. She wasn’t sure how it would go—probably horrifically—but James wasn’t the only one who could die tomorrow. Tina was determined that the next time she faced that void, she would do so with a clear conscience, so she stood up and opened the flap, sticking her hand out to tap the back of the huge Berserker blocking her door.
“It’s okay,” she said when he turned around. “You can let him in, and you guys can have the rest of the night off. I’m good to guard myself now.”
She rapped her knuckles against her armored chest, and the Berserker smiled in relief. “Right-o, boss,” he said, happily trotting off to his bed. The other guard, a jubatus Cleric, went more slowly, making Tina feel even better about her decision. However this went, it was bound to be painfully personal. Personal and way too interesting to trust a guard to keep his ears shut. Even if she’d had faith he wouldn’t talk, the last thing Tina wanted right now was an audience, so she stood in the door, glaring until the Cleric was gone. Only when he’d climbed fully into his tent did she finally turn and look at the man she’d been steadfastly avoiding this whole time.
“Come in if you’re gonna.”
SilentBlayde ducked into the tent so fast he seemed to teleport, clearly wanting to get inside before she changed her mind. Tina wasn’t sure she hadn’t, but she was in this up to her neck now. When she turned around, he was taking off his helmet, revealing blond hair that was messy for once. She had no idea how that had happened. So far as she knew, elves always had perfect hair. She was about to ask if he’d made an effort to get it that tangled when he reached up and unhooked his mask.
Tina went still. SB treated his helmet like any other piece of clothing, but his ninja mask was special. It was just a vanity item, it didn’t even have stats, but he acted like it was vital for breathing or something, and she’d never known why. Because he’d never told her, not even when she’d begged.
Which was the entire problem.
With that thought, the old anger flared bright and hot. She was a fool for letting him in—for putting herself through this again. How many times did she have to get burned before she learned? She was opening her mouth to tell him she’d changed her mind when SB said, “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that before,” Tina reminded him, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Not like this,” he said, looking at her with those damn sad eyes that never failed to make her act like an idiot. “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you. I shut you out and used secrets to control you unfairly. That wasn’t my intention, but it was still wrong. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
Tina looked down at her metal boots, clenching her fists against the stupid wave of hope that kept surging back up no matter how many times she stomped it down. Dammit, she’d sworn she wasn’t going to do this to herself again. She was not.
“Why are you telling me this now?” she demanded, clutching her anger like a shield. “Is it because I’m human? I’m not an asexual hunk of stone anymore, so suddenly you feel bad? That’s fucking convenient.”
“That’s not why!” SB cried, though Tina wasn’t above feeling gratified at how red his face turned.
“Is it because you think I’m weak now?” she demanded. “I don’t need a protector.”
Those handsome lips twitched. “Tina, I watched you pick up a fully armored Berserker just a few hours ago. No one who sees you do anything could ever think you’re weak.”
Well, that was gratifying, but she was not going to be flattered into forgiveness. She was already breaking a thousand promises to herself just by letting him in here. If not for what had happened under the rockslide, she wouldn’t even be looking at him.
“Then why?” she asked, hating how desperate her voice sounded. “Why are we still doing this?”
“Because I lost you twice today,” SilentBlayde said, his voice cracking. “Once when I thought the Once King had disintegrated you and again in the landslide. Both times were worse than anything I could have imagined, but once was enough to teach me that a future without you was worse than any damage I could do by telling you the truth.”
Tina’s heart began to pound so hard she felt lightheaded. She hid it by sitting down, her armor clattering musically as she propped her knees in front of her and rested her arms on them. “Then prove it,” she challenged him, her face as stony as she could make it. “Tell me why I couldn’t visit you in Japan.”
There was a pause, and Tina sighed. He wasn’t going to do it. She’d been an idiot to think he could ever—
“My full name is Haruto Watanabe,” he said, speaking in a clipped, tight voice like he was forcing the words out through sheer will. “I’m sorry I never told you before. I couldn’t risk you using it to figure out where I lived.”
“Why didn’t you want me to know where you lived?” Tina asked, shocked. Not that he didn’t want her to know but that he was actually telling her something personal. “Were you on the run or something?”
SilentBlayde shook his head. “It’s not like that,” he said, sinking down to sit on his knees Japanese style in front of her. “I didn’t want you to know anything about my life outside the
game because I was afraid you’d hate me.”
“Wait,” Tina said angrily. “You were afraid I’d hate you, so you refused to tell me anything to the point where I got so fed up and insulted that I dumped you in front of everyone?”
Technically, she hadn’t dumped him since they’d never been together in the first place, but Tina wasn’t in the mood for splitting hairs, and SB didn’t contradict her.
“Yes,” he said, shamefaced. “I’d rather you be mad at me for lying than risk you knowing the truth. I can live with you being angry or even kicking me out of the guild, but I couldn’t live if you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Tina said, hurt he’d even think that. “I could never hate you. I think I’ve proved that. I mean, if what happened in Bastion didn’t do it, what could?”
He stared at the ground. “You don’t know the real me.”
“Stop.”
SB looked up, confused, and Tina glowered. “You’re doing it again,” she told him. “I’m not tolerating this ‘you don’t know and I’m not telling you’ game anymore. If you want to be in my life, tell me the truth and let me decide my own feelings. Trying to manipulate me like this is not cool, and I’m not putting up with it any longer. If you’re here to say something, say it. Otherwise, get out.”
“Sorry,” he whispered, his body shaking. “I don’t mean to, it’s just….” He took a deep breath. “I’ve borne this shame my whole life. It’s hard to say out loud.”
Seeing the pain on his face made it impossible for Tina to stay mad. The urge to hug him and tell him it was okay was overwhelming, but she couldn’t, because it wasn’t okay. If she gave in and let him off easy, they’d just go right back to the same limbo they’d been in for the last seven years. She couldn’t do that again. It was put-up-or-shut-up time, no more outs, but that didn’t mean he had to do this alone.
“I’m here,” she said quietly, reaching out to put her hand, which was still bare from James’s visit, on his knee. “Whatever you have to say, I’ll listen, and if it’s something I can help with, I will. Just let me in. Please.”
“There’s no helping this,” he whispered, staring at the ground without really seeing it. “It’s unfixable. But I’ll tell you anyway, because you deserve to know why I am the way I am.”
Tina didn’t like the way he said that, but she nodded and sat back, holding her breath until, after what felt like eternity, he looked at her.
“My sister is also my mother,” he said in a small voice. “I am my family’s dirty secret, our great shame. I’ve been shut in by them for my whole life. That’s why I could play FFO ninety hours a week. VR was my only escape.”
Tina stared at him, shocked. “They locked you up?”
SB nodded, a tiny jerk of his head. “Since I was eight. That was when…”
He stopped, fisting his hands on his knees. Tina kept her mouth shut, giving him all the time he needed.
“When I was little, I thought my mother was my father’s wife,” he explained, as if that were abnormal. “But I didn’t understand why she hated me. I didn’t know why she never took me shopping or to the park like the other mothers I could see from my window. I thought it had something to do with the way our neighbors whispered, but when I told her I didn’t care what they said, she screamed that I never should have been born.”
Tina clenched her jaw, shaking with rage. She wanted to hurt the woman who’d done this to him, but she couldn’t. The wrong was locked away in the past where she couldn’t reach it, and Haruto wasn’t finished.
“I knew something was wrong with me after that,” he went on, not looking at her. “But I was too afraid to ask. My father was an angry man. He would beat us if we said anything to upset him. The woman I thought was my mother wore makeup to cover the bruises, but I couldn’t. It was safer to stay in my room. The only person who was never cruel to me was my sister. She just pretended I didn’t exist. I started doing that too, eventually: pretending I wasn’t there or that I was invisible. It was so much easier that way.”
Tina nodded, unsure what to say, but SB wasn’t looking at her anymore.
“It worked for a while. My father was a big believer in keeping up appearances. He had an important job at a big company, and while he never looked at me unless he had to, he insisted we all get dressed up and go out for important events like festivals. You know, pretend to be a normal family. It was during one of these that it happened. It was the spring right after I turned eight. We were on our blanket at our local sakura festival, viewing the flowers. The whole neighborhood was there, whispering as usual. We were ignoring them, but then the lady who lived in the house next to ours came over. She was drunk. Very drunk. Enough to walk right up to me and comment on how much I looked like my sister.”
His perfect jaw clenched. “My father flew into a rage. He said we were leaving at once, but I didn’t want to. I was having a good time being outside with other people for once, and I didn’t understand why everyone was so angry. Why shouldn’t siblings look alike? I didn’t know yet what the rest of the neighborhood had known since before I was born, but my father was pulling my arm. When I tried to pull back, he…”
“He hit you?” Tina guessed, her heart breaking.
“It was worse,” Haruto said in a tiny voice. “He picked me up and shoved me in the car. When we got home, he beat me so bad I had to go to the hospital. I was there for a month, but the doctors…they couldn’t fix the damage. I remember being in the room when they told my parents my jaw would never be the same. My father just laughed and said that was fine, because at least now no one could say I looked like them.”
He took a shuddering breath. “That was my first clue. I didn’t learn the rest until later: how he’d raped my sister when she was thirteen, how he’d forced her to have the baby. Forced her to have me. She lived with us until she was twenty-three, when she left to get married. The whole time, she never looked at me. Never said a word. My father’s wife was the one who finally told me the truth. She said I should know what I’d done. How I’d broken their family.”
“But you didn’t do anything!” Tina said fiercely. “None of this was your fault! Your father was the criminal. He should have been arrested!”
“The police wouldn’t help,” he said bitterly. “It was a family matter, and my father was a big local businessman. Even when I was in the hospital, no one said a word. That was when I knew for certain that no matter how much evil he did, no one was ever going to save me. All I could do was run and hide in games, the only place where he couldn’t get me.”
His body pulled tighter as he looked up at her at last. “So there you have it. My father is evil, and I’m a mangled monster born of an unclean union. I thought the transition had set me free, but my actions in Bastion proved that I’ve inherited much from my beast of a father. He’s still in me, even now.” He dropped his eyes. “I understand if you choose to revile me.”
By the time he finished, Tina was so mad she was shaking—not at SB, but at the fact that his father was safe back on Earth and she couldn’t pound him into a bloody paste. She wanted to rip apart everyone who’d made him feel this way, but she couldn’t, and her anger was scaring SB. He’d just bared his soul and was clearly expecting rejection, and she was sitting here plotting murder. He needed better from her, so Tina shoved her anger away and focused on what was important.
“Thank you so much for telling me something so painful,” she said. “I can see now why you didn’t want to tell me before, but it’s okay. All of that is in the past. It doesn’t affect who you are right now.”
“But it does,” SB said, his voice thick. “Don’t you see? I can’t escape! Even here, in another world, I can’t get away from what I am!”
“You’re right,” Tina said. “You can’t get away from who you are, and that’s a great thing, because who you are is a good person. Always was, always will be.”
“You’re wrong,” he argued desperately. “I murdered innocents in Bastion. I s
tabbed James! I thought I had a new start, a chance to be washed clean, but all I’ve done is prove over and over that I am that monster’s son. If anything, I’m worse. At least he never killed anyone in his anger.” He hid his face. “I’m worse.”
Tina grabbed Blayde’s hands and pulled them away. “You are nothing like your father,” she said angrily, staring hard into his blue eyes. “That man is a vile, reprehensible fucker who raped one child and beat the other. You are a sweet, kind, generous person whose only crime is trying so hard to be good that you screw things up by keeping all these burdens to yourself.”
“But I’m not!” SilentBlayde cried, ripping his hands out of her grip. “You should hate me! I deserve it. I’m disgusting!”
He stood up then, darting around her toward the door like he was leaving. Panicked, Tina leaped up and grabbed him again, stopping him with her superior strength.
“Haruto!”
He went still in her grasp, and she let go at once, refusing to hold him with violence. He’d had far too much of that in his life already, and she was determined he would never feel it again. But she couldn’t let him leave. Not like this.
“Please don’t go,” she said instead, her voice shaking. “I need you to listen to me. I don’t think you’re disgusting or a monster or any of those things, and I hate when you say them about yourself. I know you. I know who you are and what you’ve done, and I don’t hate you at all. I will never hate you. I…”
Her voice faltered, but there’d never been a more important moment, so Tina gave her pride the shove and told him the truth. “I love you. I loved you back on Earth, and I still love you every bit as much now that I know everything. So please stay with me. Please don’t go.”
It was the closest to begging she’d ever come, but Tina didn’t care. She’d plead on her knees if it would just make him listen. She was about to go ahead and get down there when SB finally turned around.
“Really?” he whispered in a tremulous voice.