by Rachel Aaron
“Sorry,” he interrupted. “Could you say that part again?”
Tina blinked. “Which part? The one where I punch your dad and cause an international incident?”
“No,” he said, heart hammering. “The part where you said you’d marry me.”
Tina went quiet as she realized what she’d just said. “Oh,” she whispered, blushing furiously. “Well, I mean, it’s practical. Marriage would have been the easiest way to make you a US citizen and get you out of Japan. I wasn’t really—”
“Would you still marry me even if I don’t need citizenship anymore?”
Tina’s cheeks turned an even more charming shade of red as a wondrous smile spread over her face. “Let me get this straight,” she said, looking him in the eyes. “Are you asking me to marry you?”
SilentBlayde nodded frantically. “If you’ll have me. I don’t have access to my bank right now, so I don’t have the ring, but I can make you one in the morning, and…” He trailed off, furious at himself for making a mess of this. How many romantic American movies had he watched preparing for the tiny, tiny chance he ever found himself in this scenario? Dammit, he could do better.
“Christina Anderson,” he said, getting into a position that was as close to one knee as he could manage without actually getting up and risking knocking her off the bed. “Will you marry me?”
Tina put a finger to her lips, giving his proposal careful consideration. Then her composure broke, and she started kissing him all over.
“Hell yes!”
***
Tina had seen SilentBlayde in a lot of intense situations, good ones and bad. But she’d never seen him look as desperately happy as he did right now, which was saying something considering how they’d spent the last hour.
“We’ll get Garrond to do it,” he said in a rush once he’d finally stopped kissing her. “He’s a paladin of the Sun. The wiki categorized those as warrior-priests, so he should be able to officiate a marriage. I’ll make us rings as soon as it’s light, and he can marry us before the battle. Then, after we win and there’s peace again, I’ll negotiate with the bank to get the wedding dress and tux sets out of my vault so we can have a real wedding in Bastion.”
“Wait, wait,” Tina said, laughing. “The tux I understand, but why do you also have the wedding dress?”
SB turned red. “You know…Just in case, someday maybe…”
“I’m just teasing you,” she said, reaching up to tickle his ear, her new favorite target. “I know you’ve got every collectible in the game. I bet you have the Valentine’s Day Sexy Apron, too.”
His neck-to-hair blush told her everything, and Tina laughed again. “Hope it’s not stonekin sized.”
“It’s adjustable,” he said, still red-faced. “But I think the Spring Fling Dress would suit you better.”
Tina frowned, trying to remember which of FFO’s many ridiculous holiday-themed vanity costumes he was talking about. “Is that the big floofy one with all the ruffles?”
SB nodded eagerly. “I have all six colors.”
“But those things cost a thousand tickets each at the seasonal vendor!” Tina arched an eyebrow. “Just how many dresses have you been hoarding?!”
“I think it’d be nice for you to have something not-armor to wear on our honeymoon,” he replied, deftly changing the subject. “There’s that schtumple resort town with all the hot springs up in the Ever Winter Mountains. It was built as a gag quest zone for the Christmas events, but you could reach it all year. I wonder if it still exists.”
Tina lay back down on his chest with a yawn. “If it doesn’t, we’ll find something else. Let’s just ask the king where nobles go on vacation. Rich people get the best shit in every world. I bet we can find a tropical island somewhere with pristine private beaches the locals would be happy to rent out to the Great General Tina Anderson and SilentBlayde, adviser to the king.”
She snickered at her own ridiculousness. When SB didn’t join her, Tina looked up to see him frowning. “It sounds silly when you say our names together like that,” he said quietly. “I don’t have to be SilentBlayde-with-a-y anymore. You know who I really am, so you can call me Haruto if you like it better.”
“Nah, I know that name makes you flinch,” she said. “Now that the secrecy issue is resolved, I’d much rather call you by the name you prefer. And anyway, you’ve always been SilentBlayde to me.”
She’d hoped that would relax him, but he looked more upset than ever. “What about going home?”
Tina thought a moment, then she shrugged. “It’s cool. I’ll stay here with you.”
His blue eyes went wide. “Really?!”
Tina nodded. “I mostly wanted to go home because I was trapped as a stonekin. Being a rock sucked. Now that I’m human again, though, it’s not as big a deal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna miss my smartphone and air conditioning hella bad, but I can’t make you leave all this”—she gestured at the Assassin’s literally magical elven body—”and go back to your old crap life.”
“But what about your degree?” he pressed. “You worked so hard to get to college! I can’t ask you to give that up for me.”
“Dude,” Tina said, grinning wide. “We’re rich and powerful and famous here. Also, this world has no public library or public education! Forget being a librarian. I could be the librarian who kicks off this world’s version of the Enlightenment! It wouldn’t even be that hard. The literacy rate in Bastion is actually medieval, and they don’t even have the Gutenberg press yet. It’s all wood-block printing or hand copying. There’s nowhere to go but up! Just imagine the possibilities!”
“So, to be clear, you’re not giving up the life you wanted just for me?” SB asked, still nervous.
“Not at all,” Tina assured him. “It’ll take a few years to return this place to not-smoking-crater status, but once we fix the damage, we’ll be legendary heroes living in a legit magical kingdom! I can’t go back to the normal world after that.”
SB’s chest dipped below her as he let out a long breath. “Thank you,” he said, whispering the words in the most sincere and heartfelt way Tina had ever heard. “But, just so you know, I would have gone back for you.”
“I know,” she said, stretching up to kiss him. “I love you.”
They really should have gone to sleep after that. Tina’s now-fleshy body certainly wanted to, but her brain was too abuzz and happy with all the things she wanted to do with SB in the future. They lay cuddled in the tent for hours, joking about how Dungeons & Dragons would be a contemporary RPG here and how, if the bank refused to give them their gold, they should invent collectible card games to sell to traders and nobility in order to finance Tina’s dream public library system. Tina also felt that romance novels would be the way to mad money once she had a movable-type system up and running. SB wanted manga but wasn’t sure how they’d do that without insane levels of lithography.
In the end, they agreed to try it all. Tina was still thinking about using griffin riders to facilitate a worldwide interlibrary loan system when she fell asleep on SilentBlayde’s chest. Wrapped in warm blankets and the sweet smell of the sky, she dreamed that they were already married and living in Bastion in an anachronistically trendy modern apartment filled with books. There was a hot tub and “elven” Ikea furniture, too, which even her dream-self realized was ridiculous, but the image was so warm and nice that Tina couldn’t bring herself to care.
It was such a good dream that she clung to it even when the first light of dawn hit her face through the tent walls. When she managed to open her eyes at last, she was alone in the bed.
Tina sat up in a panic, but the fear vanished as fast as it had come when she spotted SB’s silver swords on the table they’d shoved into the corner. Knowing he’d never go far without those, Tina stretched and got up. She put on her shirt then her armor and opened the tent flap to greet the cold gray light that counted as morning in the Deadlands. Thankfully, the delicious smell of cooked oats was alr
eady in the air, making her stomach rumble.
Other players were already clustered around the cook fires. Lots of people waved excitedly when they saw her, and Frank gave her a particularly enthusiastic thumbs-up. It wasn’t until Killbox gave her a too-knowing “yeah girl” nod complete with “victory” two-finger symbols that she started to get worried.
“Tina! Over here!”
Tina looked over to see NekoBaby jumping and waving by one of the fires. Next to her, Zen was crumbling dried plants into a small pot set over the embers. The Ranger didn’t even glance up as Tina walked over. Neko, on the other hand, was practically puffy with anticipation, swishing her tail and patting the log beside her until Tina sat down.
“Good morning,” Tina said carefully. She was getting a weird vibe here, and she wasn’t sure yet if it was a good one or a bad one.
“Gooooooood morning to you, too!” Neko said in a singsong voice with a big wink tossed in. “Want some meaty oatmeal?”
She thrust her bowl at Tina, who looked down to see that it was, in fact, oatmeal cooked with what appeared to be chunks of dried meat. “Uh, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” the cat girl purred. “The chefs say it’s great for stamina, and I bet you need a lot of that after last night, ehhhhhhh ehhhhh?”
The cat girl wiggled her eyebrows up and down in blatant suggestion, and Tina’s face heated to roughly the temperature of the surface of the sun.
“You know?” she whispered.
“Baby, everyone knows,” Neko said, no longer able to contain her excitement. “Not only did SB walk into your tent last night and not come out until morning, but you two are loud!” She fanned herself with her clawed fingers. “Such passionate! Much canvas walls! Wow!”
Tina hunched over, attempting to crawl into her bowl of meaty oatmeal.
“Aww, don’t be shy!” Neko said, scooting closer. “You two made me so much money in the betting pool! I knew you couldn’t stay away from that hot elf luvvin!”
Tina shrank further into her bowl.
“So how was it? Like, are we talking sweet make-up sex or hot angry sex? Spill!”
“Neko,” Zen said sharply.
The cat girl whirled on Zen with a Really?! look, which the Ranger ignored. “Here,” she said instead, pouring the water she’d been feeding herbs into out of the pot and into a battered metal mug, which she then handed to Tina. “Drink this.”
“What is it?” Tina asked, sniffing the cup, which smelled a lot like dirt. “Some kind of tea?”
“It’s what you asked me to find back at Camp Comeback,” Zen replied in her flattest, just-the-facts nursing voice. “I’ll give you the herbs so you can make it yourself. Drink one cup with food every morning to prevent pregnancy. It’ll make you nauseous and screw your hormones up big time, but it’s the best solution I could find. You’ll just have to make do until we can ask the local Naturalists about finding something better.”
Tina couldn’t even bring herself to nod. Zen’s informational lecture was somehow even more embarrassing than Neko’s comments, which didn’t feel possible. Not that she was mad—Zen was just doing exactly what she’d asked—but she felt so stupid. She’d been on birth control since she was a teenager, so she hadn’t even thought about protection, but there was no birth control pill here. How could she have been so reckless? If she got pregnant here, in medieval times, in the middle of a war… Tina shuddered at the thought.
“Thank you, Zen,” she said, chugging the hot tea so fast she burned her mouth.
“Just doing my job,” the nurse said with a shrug. Then she smiled. “Glad you two worked it out.”
“Oh yeah!” Neko cheered, throwing up her paws. “High fives for get’n biz-ay!”
Tina left her hanging, choosing to finish her tea instead while pointedly ignoring the huge smiles everyone seemed to be flashing her as they walked by. “Is it possible to die of embarrassment?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Zen said with a chuckle. “Half the camp was doing the whole ‘we might die tomorrow’ thing last night. Now eat. Today’s the day, and you need your strength.”
Accepting her second bowl of boiling-hot meat-oatmeal with a side of utter mortification, Tina wolfed it down, doing her best to ignore NekoBaby’s bragging about how smart she’d been to give Tina “The Talk” back at Windy Lake. By the time the cat girl moved on to how many people totally owed her now that she’d been so super right, Tina had finished breakfast and was really looking forward to the part of the day where all she had to deal with was beating a never-defeated boss for the fate of the world.
“Rats,” Neko said suddenly, ears drooping. “Fun’s over. Here comes Commander Stick-Up-His-Butt.”
Sure enough, Commander Garrond was making his way through the busy camp in their direction, and in the giant man’s wake was SilentBlayde. The paladin’s bushy eyebrows were tightly furrowed, which told her nothing. Garrond could frown at victory. He would definitely take offense if she didn’t greet him properly, though, so she rose to her feet, brushing the ash from the fire off her armor as Garrond came to a stop in front of her.
“Good morning, Commander,” Tina said, trying hard not to blush, which was difficult since the whole camp had stopped eating to look at them, and SB was right there, standing at the commander’s side with his hands suspiciously held behind his back.
“General Roxxy,” Garrond said, nodding in greeting. “It is my understanding that I am to officiate a marriage this morning.”
The commander said this in the same way Tina’s dad used to say “do taxes,” but she felt like her eyes were going to bug out of her head. She’d thought SB had just been getting carried away with the whole prebattle wedding talk, but he was nodding furiously when she glanced at him. When Tina nodded too, the commander sighed so deeply his armor clanked.
“I could lecture you about how this is neither the time nor the place,” he said in a defeated voice. “But I’ve learned the futility of attempting to make players move at anything other than their own pace. If I agree to this foolishness, will it get the Roughnecks ready for the assault faster?”
“Quicker than if you fight it, yeah,” Tina said, grinning at SB, who looked adorably stubborn. “It doesn’t have to be a complicated wedding.”
“It won’t be,” Garrond promised, pointing east. “Five minutes. Over by that tree.”
He tromped off, leaving Tina to be nearly trampled as an excited NekoBaby blew past her like a shot to go tell everyone the news. She was still recovering her balance when SilentBlayde stepped in to offer her his arm—and one of the rings he’d been hiding behind his back.
“I’m sorry they’re just gold,” he said apologetically. “I wanted sun-metal, but there was none around.”
Tina was about to say a plain band was fine when she actually looked at the ring he’d just placed in her hand. “Just gold?” she said incredulously, holding up the incredibly intricate woven circle of delicate gold filigree he’d given her. “Dude, if this was back on Earth, we’d have been getting rings from the dollar store. How did you manage something this fancy out here?”
“I am a max-level jewelcrafter,” SB said proudly. “The hardest part was finding the metal, actually. I ended up trading Garrond the location of the Order’s missing Hammer of Last Light for the coins in his pouch.”
“Nice work,” Tina said, impressed. Then she frowned. “How long until Garrond realizes there’s no way he’s going to get it since the Hammer of Last Light is locked in a temple at the bottom of the ocean?”
SilentBlayde shrugged. “He’s a resourceful guy. I’m sure he’ll figure it out.”
Tina shook her head and slid her arm through his, strolling together toward the tree, where Garrond was already waiting impatiently.
“Ready?” he barked as they walked up.
“Almost,” said SB, nodding at the growing crowd of Roughnecks, many of whom had come over with their breakfasts still in hand.
The sight made Tina smile. Thi
s was not how she’d envisioned getting married: in another world, with her armor as her wedding dress, surrounded by her guild, to SilentBlayde (not Haruto), by a paladin, in the Deadlands, et cetera. It was such an unlikely scene that she wouldn’t have believed it if she wasn’t standing in the middle. Her only regret was that James wasn’t here to see it. She’d have to make sure he survived so she could tell him all the details later.
When everyone who was coming had gathered, Garrond cleared his throat pointedly, and the smacking and munching noises of breakfast died out as everyone paused to listen. SilentBlayde let Tina go reluctantly as Garrond grabbed him by the shoulder and physically turned him to face the east. He did the same to Tina, positioning them side by side in front of him with the light of the dawn rising over his head. Even in the gray of the Deadlands, it was an impressive sight, making Tina feel both giddy and nervous as she realized this wasn’t just some display. This was a real ceremony—performed by an actual holy man—and it was happening right now.
“The Sun bears witness to all our deeds and words,” Garrond announced, his big voice ringing across the steep gray mountains. “Today, we gather under its light to bless the union of SilentBlayde”—the commander almost choked on using SilentBlayde as an official name—”and Christina Anderson. Let their love be as pure as the dawn, as fruitful as the noon, and as comforting as the dusk, for as they care for each other, so does the Eternal Sun care for all its creation.”
That sounded like the end, but then Garrond pulled a scrap of paper out of his belt pouch. He frowned at it for a few seconds, and then, with obvious annoyance and great disdain, he began to read.
“Do you, SilentBlayde, take Christina Anderson to be your wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, forsaking all temptations, to remain true to her for the rest of your life?”
“I do,” SilentBlayde said in a firm voice. Then he smiled at her.
Tina smiled back, head whirling in a dizzying combination of joy and nerves, because Garrond was looking at her now. “Do you, Tina Anderson, take SilentBlayde to be your husband with an understanding of all the requirements I just read?”