by Olga Menson
"Any classes. No, I don't. And my project is pretty much done. I was just wrapping up testing tonight."
"Well...I know its a massive imposition, but...I really don't want to be alone tonight."
Athena looked at me and reached out and took my hand. Her eyes were huge in the dark, and I saw grief and fear in them. She just wanted to feel safe and loved, and I was the only one around who could help.
"Of course, I'll stay."
Fuck.
* *
Athena went upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. I realized that she hadn't been home at all that day and was probably starving, so I made spaghetti with some bottled sauce and real parmesan. Good, filling, and it happened to be one of her favorites.
My logic was, she'd eat a lot of it, get tired, go to sleep, and there would be no chance for creepy behavior on my part. For all my sick attraction, I knew that there were lines that I would not cross, not even in a moment of weakness. I'd never, ever do anything without her consent.
So that was my cunning plan. As Ath came down the stairs, I got out some wine too. I was starving, so I plated both of us a large amount of pasta, sauce, and cheese.
"You know what would be really good right now is some...that. That exactly."
Athena stopped and smiled in surprise.
"Yeah, I'm magic. Sit and eat. You need your sleep."
I did too, and to further that along, I poured myself a big glass of wine. To my surprise, Athena did also. I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. She rolled her eyes in response.
"What? Are you going to tell on me? I'm an adult, even if I'm not 21. And at home. I'm not going to drive. I just...need to relax, ok? I'm still not sure if I'm even going to sleep and..."
I put up my hands in surrender.
"I know, ok? I'm not gonna stop you. I just don't want you to get lit and make bad decisions that I have to explain later to Mom."
"It's just you and me in the house, and we're both going straight to bed after dinner. What kind of trouble could I get in?"
I choked on my wine in response but said nothing.
We ate in silence, but it wasn't awkward. We were both just that hungry. Soon enough, we'd cleaned our plates (Athena burned a lot of calories in any given day), and I'd had one glass of wine while she had two. I'm pretty sure she had the second one just to provoke me. I let it slide.
Athena stood up and wobbled for a moment. I practically ran around the table. Jesus, she was a lightweight. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. She rarely drank, was small, and had a speedy metabolism.
"I'm fine," she said, then steadied herself on my arm, "I'm sorry...I stood up too fast and," she sighed, "I probably shouldn't have had two glasses."
"I just don't want anything to happen to you. Come on, let's get you to your room."
Ath nodded but looked a bit uncertain. She had no trouble getting up the stairs, though, and at her bedroom door, she stopped and turned to me, looking like she was going to say something. Then she met my eyes, blushed, and looked away.
"What is it?"
"Um...just, thanks. For taking me home and making dinner and being here."
I smiled. Ath hugged me quickly and kissed me on the cheek. Very standard stuff for us. Then she went into her room and closed her door behind her.
I sighed in relief. That baggy shirt and short shorts combo was really working for me, and I was happy that I couldn't look at her anymore. I went to the bathroom, washed up, and went to bed in my boxers. The day was awful, but it was over, and I hadn't done anything that I might regret later. Thank god.
* *
Or so I thought.
I was exhausted, and at the best of times, I'm a sound sleeper. That night I was dead to the world.
That's why I didn't wake up when the door to my room opened. I didn't wake up when Ath said my name (although she doubtlessly did). I didn't wake up when she got into the bed and under the sheet. I didn't even wake up when she cuddled up and lay her head on my chest.
I woke up when I felt her hand drift down my chest to my stomach and further down to...
"Athena?"
I was bleary and confused, but I knew who it was immediately. There was no mistaking her feel or scent. She tensed up, and her hand jerked farther up to my chest. I knew it was an accident, but I was still hard as a rock already. Only the dark prevented her from seeing the tent I was making.
"I woke you up. I'm sorry, Od."
"What are you doing here?"
"Trying to sleep."
"I figured that, but..."
"Is it so bad to let me sleep here with you like this? Just...just for one night? I can't sleep on my own tonight, and I love and I trust you and I just need some comfort, ok? Please..."
Athena was so plaintive. Even when she was a child, she was self-reliant to a fault. Her voice was so pleading and sad. I'd hurt her feelings somehow, as though I'd rejected her.
Well, I had no choice. If comfort was what she needed, then that was what she'd have. I'd probably not be able to sleep, but she needed rest more than I did.
"Ok. Sorry. I was just surprised is all. You...you can sleep here if you want. I don't mind."
Athena sighed deeply, relieved. She buried her face in my naked chest, and I felt hot tears there. For once, my body calmed itself, and let me be just a good person. I caressed her hair and spoke soothingly. I don't remember what I said. It doesn't matter. The important thing was that eventually, her breathing became slow and regular, and after that, the tears stopped. I let my arm drift to its natural place along her back. I did not allow my hand to wander.
I sighed deeply and was suddenly more depressed than I had been. My grandfather had died, and I loved him. I missed him already. That was obviously the primary thing that was affecting me. The second was that this was so close to what I wanted to have with Ath, but I must never get any closer. I must never ruin what I had with my little sister.
I mustn't ever let her find out what a monster I was.
Ath cuddled in further, lifting her leg over mine and bringing her thigh over my cock, which sprang to hardness in an instant. No. No, please. She made a noise in her sleep then, and I was sure she was about to wake up and ask me why I had an erection. Instead, I felt her, almost imperceptibly at first, grinding against my leg. She wasn't awake, and she wasn't going full force, but I felt her wet heat on my thigh. Slowly and with increasing rhythm, her hips rolled and pushed into my side.
Athena kissed me then on my chest. Fuck. She was dreaming. She had to be. I couldn't wake her up. I would not do anything to wake her up. It was too late for that. She kept grinding against me, increasing the pace and pressure. Her soft inner thigh rubbed up and down the outside of my shorts, and I almost groaned out loud. I was getting close to cumming, right there, from just this basic touch.
I felt Ath tense her body then, and shudder all over. She made a noise between a chirp and a moan, and then there was a sharp pain in my chest as she bit down. She was in the middle of a powerful orgasm. I felt her go limp then, a great sigh escaping her lips.
I drifted to sleep. When I woke, she was gone, and I heard her downstairs, doubtlessly getting ready for her day and preparing breakfast. I couldn't wait any longer. All I could think about was Ath's dancer's body rolling and moving just as before, but with my cock buried deep inside her. I imagined her on top of me, out of control, using me fiercely, desperate for me to cum inside of her.
It only took a few strokes of my hand to bring myself off, cumming a considerable amount. It seemed to go on forever. As I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, I felt a grim certainty fill me.
I would never be able to stop or kill this lust. Or the love it blended with. I needed to make a decision, and soon, about how I would separate myself from Ath.
* *
I went downstairs, and Ath was just finishing cooking scrambled eggs. There was also toast and fruit. I smiled. Then I noticed that she was still wearing the baggy t-shirt and tight shorts fr
om the previous night. I wondered if they were still damp.
"Hey, sleepyhead."
I laughed.
"Ath, it's like 7:30 am. We got about four hours of sleep."
"Maybe, but I feel really well-rested. I haven't been sleeping well lately. Just having you there near me. It was so nice, you know? And...I feel so relaxed today. I'm sad still, but...I don't know. It's like something changed overnight."
I nodded but said nothing, pouring myself some coffee. I helped Ath plate the food, and then we both sat down at the table.
"Hey," she said, a little more subdued, "Mom and Dad called. They'll be coming home today, but they might be in and out for a bit. They're going to be sleeping at Grandpa's place and dealing with his stuff until at least the funeral."
"Oh. That's gotta be rough for them. Especially Mom."
"Yeah, and um. I was wondering. Would you sleep here for the next week or so? I know it's a huge pain in the ass, and I'm not asking to sleep next to you or anything, but...it would be nice if you were close."
I looked across at Ath. There was an expression on her face that I didn't quite understand. Expectation? Anticipation? Fear? It didn't matter. I couldn't deny her anything.
"Of course. I don't have anything going on today so, I'll probably just hang out here. I'll need to go into the city soon, though. If you need anything done, let me know."
"Mom's called off classes for me for the rest of the week, which is nice, but I need to do some stuff for my audition tomorrow. Do you think you could handle food for me tonight? And, um, maybe drive me to the audition? I think...I think you can watch it if you want. They said family members could sit in if they stayed quiet and didn't interfere."
I thought of all the helicopter dads and tiger moms that must have caused problems for past auditions.
"Yeah. I can handle that."
* *
So I did. I handled a lot of little things for the next few days. I didn't need to move my installation into the exhibit until Monday, so I had time. I cooked and cleaned and helped Mom and Dad with small errands. I made phone calls to family and others about the funeral. I stayed up with Ath and drank wine. All of that was important, I suppose, but nothing was quite as important as the audition that Friday.
Athena was subdued that morning. I got up and made breakfast that time. She wore a simple practice leotard. It had white leggings and a black top, and it hugged her body tightly. I could see...well, almost everything. She was distracted, so she didn't notice that I was eyeing her firm, shapely breasts. I caught myself quickly, however, and forced myself to find some busy work.
Ath told me where we were headed, and we piled into my car and left. I expected more silence, which wasn't unusual when she was about to perform. She was nervous, yes, but also focused. I admired her ability to be both at once, and her determination to perform under pressure. She wasn't silent, though.
"I'm worried, Od."
I laughed.
"You're going to kill it, Ath. You know you are."
"Thanks. I mean, I'm going to do well. I'm ready, and rested, and feel pretty positive about it, even if I did kind of want to cry this morning. That's...not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about us."
The way she said 'us' put a cold fear into my stomach. She knew. I was sure of it.
"What are you worried about?"
I asked with the most casual voice I could. When Ath answered, her voice broke a little, and so did my heart.
"I think you know."
My heart sank. I couldn't put it off any longer. If she already knew about my attraction, and if she rejected me or hated me for it, well, I'd understand. I'd do whatever she thought was best.
"Oh, ...oh god. I mean, I...I'm sorry, ok? I hoped that ignoring it would make it pass and...I'm not doing a good job of it and..."
"We can't ignore it. If I get this audition, I'm going away. For a long time. I'm not even sure I'll be able to visit on holidays."
I suddenly realized that we were both talking about separate things. My relief was dampened by my own grief. I may have thought that separation was the best thing, but that didn't mean that I wanted it. I lusted after Athena, it was true. It was then, in that car on the way to the audition that I realized that I loved her too, in every way a man could love a woman. I spoke without thinking.
"God, Ath. I...I don't want to be separated from you. The thought of it hurts. Even if it would be a good idea..."
"I...I know," she said, reaching across and grabbing my hand fiercely, "I...I can't stand it. Being alone there without being able to talk to you or see you? I mean, we'd Skype, but...it wouldn't be the same. I need more than...hey. Why do you think it would be a good idea for us to be separated?"
This time I could clearly hear the fear in her voice, the brittleness. I didn't understand. I mean, I had misspoken, true, coming a little too close to my own thoughts. I would have expected anger from her or confusion. Instead, I saw a reflection of my own feelings just a few moments ago. Panic and expectation of rejection. I was confused, to say the least. So I lied. If she hadn't caught on to my sick attraction, then I wouldn't be telling her now, in any case. After the audition and funeral. I could put it off for that long.
"Um. I just meant that it would be the best thing for your future. As a dancer. I mean, I looked online, and I was stunned at the kind of things people said about this place."
"Oh," Ath said, relief plain on her face, "that. Um...yeah. It really is a big opportunity."
At that, the car ride dissolved into silence. Both of us were desperate to say something, but neither of us was ready to listen.
* *
The audition was at a playhouse downtown. A small artsy place with a certain run-down charm. I'd been here to see some strange interpretive stuff that friends of mine had been in. Surrealist plays are better in theory than in practice, in my experience. I couldn't even tell what the sets were supposed to be.
In any case, the stage was empty of set dressing this time. There was a space set aside for dancing, and a table for the visiting teachers from the school. There were three of them, all women in their fifties or sixties. They still had the trim figures of dancers, however, and they all had a particularly sharp look in their eyes. They ignored me as I sat in the main audience seating, but they focused on Athena with rapt attention, evaluating her even as she walked down the aisle. I understood why. She did everything with precision and grace. Her body was art. I was biased, of course, but anyone could see that she was a true dancer.
As Athena mounted the stage and took off her sweater and baggy track pants, I sat and worried. I worried that she'd fail. I feared that she'd succeed.
Ath stretched out quickly and then looked over to the table. The woman in the center wordlessly nodded. I suppose that the performance was the student's choice.
I don't know what music was meant to accompany it, because none was played. I recognized the dance, however, or at least in part. It was...our old game brought to life. As she spun and turned and bent and flowed and leaped, I saw a much younger version of her, doing similar but cruder movements to the song I had written for her. I'd never seen anything like this, however. I doubt that the judges had, either. They made no change of expression, but their rapt attention spoke for itself.
They might as well have been on the moon. Athena was the center of the universe, and we orbited her. Her gravity and swift movements from feet to hands and back again seemed almost impossible, her turns and poses perfect expressions of human form and beauty, her jumps effortless and terrifying. For the finale, she simply knelt and lowered her head, letting her arms fall open as a flower.
Here I am, she seemed to say, accept me, or do not, but I will not bend for you.
It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
I was right, she'd killed it. I loved her so much. Too much. And I wouldn't see her for years now. Was it really for the best? I didn't know. I was lost in my own morass of emotions, love and pride and self-ha
te and fear, but when Ath stood, I snapped back to reality.
She had wobbled, just a bit, like the night before, from the wine. Athena walked over and spoke to the judges briefly and shook all of their hands. I got the impression that they would contact her later with their final decision. She got halfway back across the stage. Then it happened, as if in slow motion.
Athena crumpled, knees buckling first, torso, then head hitting the stage. She had been a graceful goddess a moment ago, now she was just a puppet with her strings cut.
I ran to the stage and arrived at her side first, the others too stunned to react. Her eyes were already fluttering open, and she tried to push off of the floor on her elbows, but I put a gentle hand on her shoulder, stopping her from getting up.
"Hey, just lay down a sec, ok?" I tried to keep my voice level, but I could hear it shake. One of the judges had handed me a bottle of water from somewhere, which I took gratefully. I opened it and helped Ath sip from it. Color returned to her cheeks, and she smiled at me.
"Wow. I guess I found a new way to embarrass myself, huh?" Ath asked.
I chuckled, but the judge spoke softly so that only the two of us could hear. Her accent was distinct, but her English was perfect.
"It's nothing to worry about," she said, "it happens all of the time. The girls get stressed, maybe eat or drink too little, and then give their all. Then they just collapse. I was a dancer, too. We run ourselves on fumes sometimes. Just rest up. You'll be fine. It won't impact our verdict."
Although she'd only spoken briefly, I got the impression that the older woman was extremely impressed with Athena. I sighed, both proud and resigned. It was really for the best.
* *
Athena got up a few minutes later, looking quite well. I was still worried about her sudden collapse and was mulling it over as we drove home.
"Do you think it went well? I mean, besides the end." Athena asked me. I looked over at her, and she was actually worried.
"You were amazing. And...I recognized the dance. I got distracted by terror there but...wow. That was really amazing that you remembered it after all these years."