Travis fisted Gage’s shirt tighter, feeling the sorrow as it poured off of his husband. He hadn’t seen that last precious moment he’d had with Kylie as a blessing. But Gage was right. He’d had that.
“Every minute without her is agony, Trav. That’s to be expected. We’ve lost somethin’ important. Somethin’ crucial. But we have to keep puttin’ one foot in front of the other. We can’t keep dwellin’ on what we don’t have. It’s not good for us; it’s not good for the kids.”
He knew Gage was right. Of course he did, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“How do we fix it?” Travis honestly wanted to know. He needed to know because going on like this wasn’t sustainable.
They stared at one another for a moment.
“The letter,” Gage finally said.
Travis didn’t speak.
“Tomorrow, we’ll read the letter. Together.”
Travis managed a nod.
“But tonight we’ll start by sleepin’ in here. Both of us.” There was so much pain in Gage’s eyes. “I don’t wanna be alone, Trav. You said you wouldn’t make me do this alone.”
Travis knew Gage wasn’t referring to taking care of the house, the kids, the responsibilities. Travis was putting in his time as promised. Yet he was ignoring their relationship, their bond. He’d all but written it off because he didn’t believe he deserved Gage. In doing so, he was hurting the man he loved.
“We’ll start with one night,” Gage continued. “See how it goes.”
Travis wasn’t sure he’d survive it, but at the same time, he knew he wouldn’t survive leaving Gage alone tonight. Hell, he couldn’t survive much more of this rift they were creating between them. It was tearing him to shreds with each passing day.
“Okay.”
Gage must’ve known he was having a difficult time processing even with his agreement because he didn’t go far, leading the way to their bed.
Every step Travis took felt heavy. His heart picked up a new rhythm, a drumbeat of both pain and need, loss and love.
“Be with me tonight, Trav. Just me. Just us. For a little while.”
Travis focused only on Gage, on the man he had fallen in love with, the man who’d been his lifeline and his anchor over the years.
“I love you,” Travis whispered, sliding his palms over Gage’s whiskered cheeks.
“I know.”
Travis realized that was the second time Gage had responded that way. He hadn’t returned the sentiment, merely acknowledged it.
“Tell me you love me, Gage,” Travis insisted, pulling back enough that he could see Gage’s face clearly, so he could look in his eyes. “Tell me.”
“I do, Travis. Of course I do.”
He cupped Gage’s face firmly. “Tell. Me.”
Gage’s eyes flashed with pain once again.
Travis stepped in, holding Gage roughly. “Tell me you love me, damnit.”
“I love you,” Gage blurted, a sob tearing free. “Goddammit, Travis. I love you.”
“Why’s it so hard for you to say it?”
Gage’s brown eyes shined with unshed tears. “It’s not.”
He wouldn’t say that was a lie, but it damn sure wasn’t the truth.
“Tell me again,” he demanded, sliding his hands into Gage’s hair, gripping firmly as he looked down into his eyes.
“I love you,” Gage rasped, as though the words were torn from his chest. “I love you so fuckin’ much, Travis. So much, but it hurts. I know you loved Kylie more, I know—”
Travis staggered back, dropping his arms. “What? Why the fuck would you think that?”
Gage’s eyes scanned his face. “How can I not? You can’t even look at me. I’m the one who has to pin you down just to get a few minutes of your time. I’m the one who comes to you every fuckin’ night because I don’t want you to forget me.”
Travis stared, mouth agape.
“Without her, what’s left, Travis?” Gage asked, eyes pleading. “Tell me that. You’ve always said you couldn’t have one without the other. That was your reasoning, was it not? The reason you and Kylie went your separate ways in the very beginning? Because you needed both.”
Travis had no idea what to say. Not because there was any truth in what Gage was saying. Well, not anymore. He had said that. Yes. A long fucking time ago. Long before he’d fallen in love with both Kylie and Gage individually.
“I don’t want you to forget me, Travis,” Gage said, his tone defeated. “I don’t—”
Travis cut him off by slamming his mouth down on Gage’s. He kissed him, taking them both down to the bed. He was rough, but he was angry, so it made sense. How could this man think so little of him? How could he believe that he would ever not want him?
“I don’t love her more,” he growled, settling over Gage.
“It’s all right if you do, Trav. I understand.”
Travis lifted his head, stared down at the man beneath him. “You don’t.” He shook his head to emphasize his words. “You don’t fuckin’ understand.”
Gage stared, his eyes imploring him to explain.
“For fuck’s sake, Gage. I love you equally. The kids … you … Kylie…” Travis was unable to hide his frustration as he tried to spell it out. “All of you make up my whole heart. All the pieces.” He shifted, sliding over Gage so that he covered him fully. “But you … you’re my best friend, my lover, the man I want to have my back for the rest of my life. You, Gage.”
He could feel the emotions churning between them, knew Gage was listening.
“I can’t lose you, too,” Travis whispered, pressing his lips to Gage’s. “I won’t survive it.”
Gage’s hand caressed the side of his face as their lips melded together. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Trav.”
It wasn’t the hard, furious kisses they’d indulged in recently. This was slow and sweet and more than a little sad.
And exactly what Travis needed. This was what they both needed. A minute together to share their pain, to know someone else was there, someone would hold them up when the weight of the world became too much. They’d avoided this for weeks now, avoided opening themselves up because the emotional turmoil was already more than they could bear.
“Love me, Gage,” Travis mumbled.
“Always,” he whispered.
Gage’s hands moved first, lifting Travis’s shirt, forcing him to rise. They moved together, rolling and shifting but never releasing one another. It wasn’t long before they were skin to skin, limbs tangled as their lips remained locked, tongues searching, seeking. On their sides, legs twined, neither of them made a move to pull apart, in tune with one another on a deeper level.
When Gage slid his hand between them, fisting Travis’s cock, he hissed in a breath, pressed his forehead to Gage’s as his hips automatically pumped to increase the friction. And when Travis did the same in return, fisting Gage’s cock, stroking, teasing, they lost themselves.
Travis hadn’t been looking for this when he came in the room. He hadn’t been seeking Gage out for this type of comfort but it happened. There, in one another’s arms, they touched and claimed, stroking one another to a climax that wasn’t just physical. It was the release they both sought, solidifying the bond they’d had all along, strengthening it.
When Gage grunted, Travis gripped him more firmly, stroked harder, drawing him closer and closer until it was inevitable. Only then did he nip Gage’s lower lip, as they both came.
Afterward, Travis dragged Gage into the shower with him, where they spent another few minutes together. Nothing sexual, only love this time. Only one heartbeat to another in a moment that would give them the strength to make it through one more day.
Chapter Eighteen
Sunday, February 21, 2021
Gage awoke slowly for the first time in more than a month.
From the moment his brain came back online, he was aware of where he was and who was wrapped around him. He felt stronger this morning, more complete. The e
xact opposite of every morning since that fateful day.
“You awake?”
He shifted, answering Travis without words.
Warm lips caressed the back of his neck and his body came alive.
He had missed this. The intimacy, the connection. Sure, they’d been fucking like rabbits for days on end, but it had been a distraction, not a mating. Gage had used Travis as an escape, desperately trying to get through one more minute of one more day, to convince himself that his entire world wasn’t shattering because they’d lost the woman they both loved.
He felt different this morning. Not altogether whole, because he knew he would never be that way again, but he was definitely on the path to mending. Or moving in the direction of it, at least.
Gage was aware of Travis moving, rolling away from him, then back. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know what the man was doing. They’d spent numerous mornings just like this, coming awake together, seeking pleasure to start the day. Sometimes with Kylie, sometimes when she had taken a turn with the kids in the morning.
“I need to be inside you,” Travis whispered in his ear, his body moving up tight behind him.
Gage pressed back against the big, warm body that was so familiar, so comforting.
When Travis reached down, Gage moved higher on the bed, adjusting their positions so Travis could lift Gage’s leg and slide his cock along the crack of his ass. He didn’t have to do more than that, because Travis took control, sinking inside him in one slick, controlled move, filling him completely.
Gage felt the weight of Travis at his back as he pumped his hips, slow, gentle, bringing them both awake fully, together, as one.
But as was the case whenever they came together like this, their bodies knew what they needed, and slow and gentle ceased to exist as lust and passion took over. With Travis behind him, his hard, hot body and those desperate grunts, Gage blanked his mind and let the pleasure consume him. For the first time in weeks, Gage felt … hope.
He would take it.
If only for a little while.
Many hours later, after they’d kicked the day into high gear, getting the kids moving, feeding them, then cleaning up the mess they’d created during the week, Gage’s thoughts drifted to that letter. The one Travis had in the top drawer of his desk. After he’d learned about it, he had pulled it out a couple of times. Never opening it because he hadn’t been ready for that, but today he was.
“You look like you’re lost in thought.”
He turned to see Travis standing in the doorway, shoulder pressed to the doorjamb. Gage put up the coffee mug he’d just pulled out of the dishwasher.
“You still wanna read the letter?” he asked, not looking at Travis.
“I do.”
There was so much conviction in Travis’s tone, Gage had to look over at him.
“I asked my parents to come pick up the kids,” Travis continued. “Told ’em we needed some time to ourselves but we’d be there for dinner.”
Time to themselves? Gage had forgotten what that even meant.
“Pop’ll be here in half an hour. We’ll get them off and then we’ll read it.”
Gage nodded, reaching back in the dishwasher to pull out another clean cup. “Okay.”
Half an hour.
Funny how thirty minutes could feel like thirty years.
By the time they helped Curtis get the kids loaded up and off down the road, a full hour had gone by. But even additional time hadn’t eased Gage’s anxiety a single bit.
“We can do this,” Travis said, his tone once again reassuring, stronger than it had been in a while.
Gage looked at him, wondering if he was imagining it or if they really had made progress last night.
When Travis took his hand and tugged, Gage had no choice but to follow. Into the living room, sitting on the couch. His mind blanked as Travis took a seat beside him. And then there they were, shoulder to shoulder, the sealed envelope in Travis’s hand.
They stared at it for the longest time. Gage traced the gentle sweep of Kylie’s handwriting with his eyes over and over again.
“We both know it’s not gonna get any easier the longer we wait,” Travis said, his voice gruff.
No, it wouldn’t.
Shoring up his nerves, Gage took the envelope from Travis’s hand and slid his finger under the flap, tearing it open.
Travis pulled a single sheet of white paper from inside. For another brief moment, they stared at it until finally Travis unfolded it.
Gage’s chest hitched when he saw a page full of words written in that same lovely handwriting.
Knowing he couldn’t put it off any longer, Gage started reading.
Dear Travis and Gage,
If you’re reading this, it means I’m no longer of this earth, and I have to hope it’s after we’ve lived a long, happy life together. After my babies have grown up, graduated high school, college, gotten married. But if for some reason it’s not, then you should know that every second I had with the two of you and the five of them made for a life more complete than I ever thought possible.
If there was some unfortunate event that took me from this world, then there are some things I need you to do for me. Things that might be difficult because, if nothing else, I know exactly who my men are. I know how you both think, I know how you both love. And I know without a doubt that the two of you will retreat because you think it will benefit the other in some way.
First of all, that’s complete nonsense and you should move forward remembering that every single day. While I have never doubted for a single second how much I am loved by both of you, I also know how much you love each other. If I have a say in the matter, Travis, you won’t be stubborn, and Gage, you won’t let him be. You will both suck it up and move forward, hand in hand, where you belong.
Provided these still make sense, here are the things I need you to do for me:
Take my wedding band and my engagement band and have them melted down, along with both of yours. But don’t worry, I don’t want you to be without them for long. From those, have new bands made, one for each of you. That way you will both have a part of me with you forever. After all, the three of us are stronger together, even if we aren’t all there.
Now for the diamonds. They don’t melt, so I would like you to take the diamonds in my rings and make them into necklaces for our daughters. One for Kate, one for Avery. I want them to have a little part of me with them always. You can give them to them whenever you feel is the right time.
For Kade, Haden, and Maddox, I’ve set aside some things that belonged to my father, things he has given me over the years. There’s an old compass that belonged to his grandfather. One of them might like that. There’s also the toolbox my Dad gave me when I first moved out on my own. Nothing fancy, but I know Kade has enjoyed helping me with projects. Also, the miniature airplane collection. I’ll let them or you decide who gets what. Hopefully there won’t be any fighting.
As a family, I would like y’all to plant a tree for me. More than one, preferably. Yes, even now I want to help the environment. Hopefully, if this time ever comes, the kids’ll be old enough to select one they know I would’ve liked. I leave it to both of you to decide where. But if you’re having a hard time, I think a magnolia tree would look lovely in Curtis and Lorrie’s front yard.
And last but not least, I want the two of you to get married. It’s what I’ve always wanted, although it was never an option. We did things our way, the three of us, but now it’s time for the two of you to move forward. Together. I hope you both know that I love you with my whole heart. I am truly blessed to call you both husband. Sure, it might mean that I’ve had to complain about two pairs of socks on the floor or ask twice before someone agrees to take the trash out, but in return I’ve received twice as much love as most women get. I wouldn’t trade our life for the world, and no matter what happens, or when, you should both know that I’ve had the best life anyone could be lucky enough to have.
Kylie
Travis read the letter three times. Each time more tears streamed down his face as he heard the lovely cadence of Kylie’s voice in his head.
Beside him, he heard Gage’s breathing change, knew he was also dealing with the overwhelming emotions that came along with reading her words, knowing they would never see her again and that she had prepared for that.
He should’ve expected this. Should’ve known that their wife would think ahead, help them to deal with the worst possible scenario. That was who Kylie was. Thoughtful, generous, selfless, but most importantly, she’d loved them with her whole heart.
When Gage sobbed, Travis lowered the letter and turned, pulling him into his arms. They sat like that for the longest time, holding one another, protecting one another as the emotions won out.
And when his eyes dried, Travis read through the letter one more time, focusing on the things Kylie wished for them to do.
“We can let the kids plant the trees next weekend,” he said aloud, his voice hitching with emotion.
Gage nodded, his hand sliding into Travis’s. “Okay.”
“And the rings…?” Travis wasn’t sure what to think about that.
Gage turned his head. “I’d like to do that part if it’s all right?”
“Sure. I’ll get the stones put into settings for the girls.”
It seemed so simple. Speaking it, at least. Travis wasn’t sure how easy it would be for Gage to hand over Kylie’s wedding bands knowing they would be melted down. That seemed like the most difficult part although he understood her reasoning.
“We should have Jessie go through her stuff, too,” Gage suggested. “See if there’s anything she wants. Joe, too.”
“Yep,” Travis agreed, nodding because he didn’t know what else to do.
Then they were silent again, minutes ticking by.
“She loved us,” Gage finally whispered.
“With all that she was.”
Alibi (Brantley Walker: Off the Books Book 5) Page 17