by Autumn Sand
The mourners have gone and only Tallie remains at the graves of her friends. I stand behind her, ready to catch her if she should fall, the burden of her guilt pressing down heavily on her already overburdened shoulders. She shakes with grief and I don’t know how to take it away, to make this better.
It was hard watching her during the funeral, as she sat rigidly still and wept in silence. A strength came from within her, that I never knew existed, as she hugged each of the wives and gave her condolences.
I watch her as she kneels, her hands clasped in prayer. My mind drifts to the words I said to her and the lack of response I received. The very words I swore never to speak to anyone because I am a man who can’t afford attachments.
“It was hot that night.” Her voice is a tiny whisper. I step forward to hear her better, unsure if she is talking to me or her God. “We were so poor, we couldn’t afford things like air conditioning.” Her head is bent as she talks. I walk around to the opposite side of the grave to face her as she continues. “I begged and begged for some ice cream.” A small smile comes over her face as she remembers the memory. “Vanilla was my favorite. My mother told me we didn’t have the money to spend, but my father said he could spare a quarter to get me a Popsicle.”
Her hands fall to her lap. “He kissed me and my mother goodbye, as he always used to when he was going out, and rubbed her ever-growing belly.” She strokes her own flat one. “Two and a half minutes is all it took to change my life.” Her water-rimmed eyes meet my own. “They robbed what little money he had and took his life. When the sheriff arrived to tell my mother, she collapsed to the floor, clutching the stomach that held my baby brother.”
She swipes at her face angrily, erasing the tears. “I lost my entire family that night, all for some damn ice cream. My father, my brother, and my mother too, because she’s hated me ever since. And now…” She stands and brushes the dirt from her knees. “Now I’ve lost this family too, all because I was too late.”
I want to say something, to tell her it’s not her fault. This is my mistake, not hers. I want to say so much but have too little to offer. I failed her, failed my brother, and failed everyone.
I walk around the graves to get closer to her, to hold her and lay myself bare before her, when her eyes light up with shock. I turn around to see my brother Manny walking towards us. She runs past me and he catches her, hugging her to him.
“Manny, oh Manny. I’m so glad that you’re here.” But then fear crosses her face, as a realization hits her. “Is it safe for you to be out?” She looks from him to me and back to him again.
He gives me a quick nod before speaking. “Yeah, had to pay my respects. Bro has me with a twenty-four-hour security detail.” She looks behind him and sees the guards.
“But still, a shot can come out of anywhere.” She voices her concerns as I walk towards them.
“Mentirosa, I got this area covered. Wouldn’t let you or him come into any type of harm.”
“We should get going.” Chicken joins us, I give him a nod.
“Mentirosa, go with Chicken and we’ll catch up.”
She looks at me hesitantly before walking off with him.
Manny takes a drag off his cigarette and exhales smoke.
“You ready for this?” I ask as I watch Chicken help Tallie into the car.
“Yeah, time to get my life back.”
“Good, let’s do this and get back to business.” I turn towards the car with Manny falling in step next to me.
“Does she know?” He pauses for a moment and stubs out his cigarette on the bottom of his shoe.
“No, can’t afford to let her in on it,” I say solemnly, knowing the cost of this.
“She’ll never forgive you.”
“If it helps to keep her alive, and to settle this once and for all, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
I say the words, knowing the full ramifications of what it means. That’s why it was so important for her to hear me say it at least once, that I loved her.
I needed her to know that before I ruin us all.
I’ve been at El’s house since the explosion. With Manny back, El and Chicken have been in constant meetings with him for the last few days. Kenny has become a shoulder for me to cry on most days, as I still grieve the loss of Mags, Tony, Tick, and Magnum. I find morning to be the roughest. It’s a kick in the gut when you wake up to the reality your friends are gone because you failed them.
“Tals, your phone keeps pinging,” Kenny says, as he flips a pancake on the griddle in the kitchen.
“Hmm?” Startled, I turn to look at him.
He points with the spatula, to my phone sitting on the island. “Phone. Messages. Annoying beeps, honey.”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear it.” I stand and walk over to grab my phone.
“You were off somewhere in your head again.” He pours a fresh cup of coffee and slides it towards me.
Seems like that’s how it is all the time now. I grab it and my phone. My heart leaps to see a message from Naldo. Luckily, he was off the day of the explosion. Though he came to the funeral, we were both so shaken up that we barely spoke.
Naldo: Hey, thought we could hang out for a bit today.
Me: Umm, not home.
Naldo: K, where are you?”
I look up and watch Kenny busy himself plating pancakes, bacon, and sliced fruit for us. He looks up and catches me staring at him.
“What? Do I have a booger on my face?” He wipes his nose with the back of his hand.
I laugh. “No, silly. Do you think El will allow me to have a guest over?”
He shrugs. “Well, I know I’ve never been allowed to have guests, but then again, he was trying to keep me clean and sober.”
“As you shall remain.” El’s voice booms in the kitchen as he and Manny walk in.
Kenny exhales in an exaggerated motion with his hands on his hips. “Yes, I know that. Tals wants company.”
El, who is now standing behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist, kisses me on the top of my head. I lean into his broad chest, inhaling his earthy cologne. “Well, why don’t you keep her company, knucklehead.”
I giggle at their interaction. This is the first time El doesn’t sound stressed or upset, and his genuine affection for his brother is showing through.
Manny laughs as he steals a piece of bacon from one of the plates. “Tals is pretty good with entertaining herself.” He gives me a quick wink.
“I am keeping her company.” Kenny walks over with two plates of food and places it on the table, then points to my cell phone in my hand. “Her friend wants to hang out.”
El lets go of me and I instantly miss his warmth and security. I’ve relied on him so much these last few weeks for comfort. I really don’t know what I would’ve done if he wasn’t around.
“A friend?” El asks as he sits down in front of one of the plates and Manny takes a seat in front of the other.
Kenny stamps his feet as his brothers claim our breakfast as their own. “I asked the two of you earlier if you wanted something to eat.”
“Wasn’t hungry then,” Manny says, in between bites of food.
El, not to be distracted, stays on the topic at hand. “Who’s this friend?”
Not knowing what El would say if I asked him if Naldo can come over, the fear of rejection makes it darn near impossible for me to face him.
He sits, waiting for me to answer his question, his intense dark eyes zeroing in on me.
“It’s nothing.” I sit at the counter, wishing this conversation never came up.
Kenny, having already started another batch of pancakes, shakes his head me, silently urging me to ask him.
I startle at El’s touch, who now stands behind me with his arms protectively wrapped around my waist. Leaning in, he whispers for my ears only, “Remember, you and I, we don’t lie to each other. Fuck the other people.”
I turn in my stool and wrap my legs around him. “I’m sorry. Nal
do sent me a text, he wanted to know if I could hang for a bit. I just didn’t want to disturb you with this. You got so much on your plate with searching for Jason,” I mumble into his neck.
He tenderly strokes my back and a shiver of want goes through me. “He can come here, but for now, I need you to stay here, where it’s safe.”
I lift my head with a wide smile just for him. “Really?”
I’m still unsure what we are to each other. It started out as fun and games, and ended up in the deaths of my friends. But this…this playing house…it’s something new for both of us.
“Yeah, have him come over. Manny, Chicken, and I have a run to make. Got a lead on where Je’sus could be hiding. I’ll leave Raul behind to watch over things.”
A tremble goes up my spine. El, assuming I’m cold, wraps his arms tighter around me. But it’s not that I’m cold. I’m still in shock that Jason, a friend for so many years, could do this to me. I’m still having a hard time believing he’s the person behind the explosion.
I close my eyes and try to drown out my feelings of betrayal.
“Damn it.” Manny punches the concrete wall of the building that was our only lead.
I clap my younger brother on the shoulder. “Don’t sweat it. We got to be getting closer.” I look over to Chicken, who is starting to look unsure himself.
Manny turns around. His face is drawn in from lack of sleep. “It’s like he disappeared off the planet. I thought, for sure, me coming out would draw him to us.”
“In time. We just got to be patient and smarter.” I start walking towards the exit.
“Smarter? It's like he’s been one step ahead of us at all times. He got to Tallie, bro. Tals is an innocent in this bullshit. She ain’t part of this life.” He lights up a cigarette in frustration.
My thoughts go to her—she’s been through enough and I brought more of my shit on her. An unfamiliar feeling of guilt hits me.
“I know, and I’m sorry.” I run my hands through my hair anxiously.
“Why did you dial her in? Couldn’t you figure out a better way to do this?” Manny questions as we walk out of the building.
I stop and grab his arm, daring him to say that shit to my fucking face.
His eyes lower instantly, his shoulders drooping in defeat. “I didn’t mean nothing by that. I know you thought going to her would be quicker.”
“I did everything I could to live up to my promise to you,” I angrily spit out.
“Well, part of that, you definitely fell somewhat short on…didn’t you?” he snarks.
Without thinking, I punch his chest with so much force he coughs out air. “Be thankful you’re my brother,” I seethe.
Holding the spot where I punched him, he stares at me in full understanding of the pecking order between us. I speak, and he, like everyone else, fucking obeys!
Silently, we get inside the car, our destination unknown. But this conversation, for now, is dead between us.
Chicken is in the driver’s seat, on his cell in a hushed conversation. He nods and glances over to me, now sitting in the passenger seat next to him, with Manny in the backseat. It’s best we keep our distance from each other for a few hours.
He hangs up his call and starts the car. “Jason’s dead.”
“Dead?” I sit back in my seat.
“Yeah, his body was recovered from Pulse. He was listed as unidentified originally.”
“If he’s dead, then that means…he isn’t the person we’re looking for.”
Anxious and bored, I explore El’s house some more while I wait for Naldo. I feel so empty and alone in this world when El isn’t around. I stop at the foot of the winding staircase, my curiosity again getting the better of me.
What is down there? Every time I’ve tried to ask El about the room at the foot of the staircase, he switches the subject. Gripping the banister, and with one foot ready to make the descent, I’m determined to see if I can figure out the secrets of that room.
“Want to see what’s down there?” Raul asks from behind.
Startled, I almost tumble down the stairs, and I would have, if it weren’t for him catching me in time.
My heart is now in my chest as Raul sets me back to rights.
“You all right? Didn’t mean to startle you.” He smiles.
He holds me a bit too close and an uncomfortable feeling comes over me. With both hands, I gently push away from him in such a way to give me distance without appearing insulting.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I take in a few steadying breaths to calm my beating heart. “I guess I should say, thanks for the rescue.”
He nods. “No problem. El would kill me if anything happened to you.”
“Well, then I guess it’s lucky for both of us that I didn’t fall.” I laugh awkwardly.
“Yeah, guess so.” He steps aside so I can walk by.
The feeling of his eyes on me makes all the hairs on my neck stand on end.
“Besides, you’re pretty resourceful. You know how to save yourself.”
Something about the way he says the words make me pause for a moment. I fight the urge to run or quicken my pace. Instead, I shrug and walk into the open space of the living room.
“Yes, well, I’ve been on my own for a long time,” I say as I walk towards the kitchen, where I know Kenny will be. He went to prepare lunch for our guest, who should be here soon.
“Yes, I know.”
“Really? How would you know?” I stop and turn around, and I’m both surprised and frightened at the look on his face.
“You ruined the whole plan. Clay promised me that it would be easy. He would take you and when El realized you were gone, he would send his men to find you.”
My mouth drops and I begin backing my way towards the kitchen, blindly reaching out in hopes of finding an object to use as a weapon.
“If only you had waited, I would’ve been the one to find you. I would’ve been the one to get the appreciation from him.” He slowly follows me with a sneer on his face.
“You’re Je’sus?” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “No, I’m Raul. Or don’t you remember my name?”
Confusion and fight-or-flight engulfs every single nerve ending in me. “Y-yes, of course, I remember your name.” I pray Kenny is at least hearing part of this conversation and taking cover, getting ready to attack. I preen my ears for sounds of him.
“For years, I tried to move up in El’s organization, ten years of my life given. All that to be consistently ignored and overlooked. “
“Yes, I know the feeling. I was ignored at Pulse. Tick and Tony, neither one of them took me seriously,” I say as I take yet another step backward. Raul, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be in any rush to catch up. He is now leaning against the wall.
“A pawn. You’re just a pawn in other men’s games. Tick and Tony, and now El and Manny.” He crosses his arms over his chest.
Another backward step and I accidentally hit the wall. “El and Manny?” I ask. Anything to keep him talking.
He laughs, like he’s mocking me. As if to say, Ha. You’re. So. Fucking. Dumb. “Don’t you know? Didn’t you question why there weren’t that many mourners at the funeral?”
Funeral? My mind goes over all the faces that were at the funerals. Mags’ funeral was packed with friends and family. Tony, Tick, and Magnum…just their wives and a very small handful of people. Funny how I didn’t think of it before because I was so caught up in my grief. Slowly, it dawns on me and what I dare to hope is the possibility.
But if it is true, then once again, I’m the outsider. El and Manny didn’t trust me.
“Figured it out yet? They’re alive. El was able to get his men there in time to warn them.” He laughs at my stupidity as my heart sinks. My emotions are raw and I feel betrayed.
I stumble into the kitchen and spin around to see if I can lay eyes on Kenny, but he is nowhere in sight. Panic sets in. “What do you want with me?”
We arrive at my bui
lding within record time. I’ve tried calling both Mentirosa and Kenny, and neither are answering their phones. Naldo is Je’sus, and I…I failed both of them.
I jump out of the car and run towards the building, with Manny and Chicken hot on my heels.
The doorman, who is also one of my paid guards, stands. “Got him as soon as he came in.” He points to the penthouse elevator. “In there, bound and gagged.”
Chicken walks ahead of me and sees Naldo on the floor of the elevator, whimpering. He pulls his Glock out but I stop him.
“Too easy. Want to take my time with him.”
Chicken nods his understanding but doesn’t holster his weapon. We will need it after all, very shortly.
“Raul is holding her and Kenny in the penthouse, waiting on Naldo,” my guard says. “Soon as we got your message, we took a look at the cameras in the penthouse. He has them in the kitchen, and Kenny looks knocked out cold. We got our men standing by in the back doors of the penthouse, and on the terrace. Everyone is waiting for your signal.”
I nod my approval.
“They all right?” Manny asks.
I don’t wait for an answer as I already know it, because it’s what I would do. “Yes, he’s waiting for Naldo to finish them off. This is his kill, after all.”
Chicken kicks Naldo hard, and he yelps out in pain in spite of the gag. “Yeah, we gonna have a lot of fun with you, homie.”
Manny and I enter the elevator, rounding out the party.
I give Chicken the okay to press the button. The elevator instantly closes its door, swiftly moving us up towards the sky.
The doors of the elevator open into the entryway of my front door. Chicken and Manny stand Naldo upright, removing the gag and the ties that were around his feet. With a gun pointed in his back, we stand on either side of the wall, ring the doorbell, and wait.
Seconds go by before the door swings open.
“Bought time, they could be here any min—”
Manny shoves Naldo inside, throwing Raul off balance. They both tumble to the floor in a heap of limbs. Chicken already gave the signal, and men come rushing into the penthouse from different directions, causing mass confusion.