by Jane Green
“Comfortably numb?” Sarah offers hopefully.
“Have you thought about what’s going to happen?” Caroline reaches for a brownie from the plate in the middle of the table, giving the others license to follow suit. “What you’re going to do? Whether you’re going to stay in the house?”
“Of course I’m going to stay in the house. This is my home. But I have been thinking that maybe I could get a job.”
“A job!” The rest of the women eye her suspiciously, all of them having been successful career women who gave up their careers in the blink of an eye once they gave birth.
Cindy is the only one who is truly happy as a stay-at-home mom. Caroline has started working part-time as a grant writer at the local arts center now that her kids are in school, and Lisa, when not at Al-Anon meetings, is heavily involved in the Junior League and chairing various charitable events, which she claims to be doing for solely altruistic reasons, although she can’t help but secretly love the fact that she’s climbing the social ladder while doing so.
Nicole, once the CEO of a large advertising agency in the city, now “CEOs” her kids with just as much enthusiasm and drive. Whatever ambitions she once had were left behind on the birthing table, and now that her children are in elementary school she is pushing little Nicky into baseball, soccer, and the Suzuki school of music (the baseball he loves, the rest he would happily leave), and little Tori into ballet, art class, and theater (the ballet’s a win, the others, a disaster) with just as much determination as she once used to win some of the biggest ad campaigns in the business.
Aside from Caroline—Caroline who is itching for her kids to be old enough for her to go back into the workplace on a more permanent basis, who knows she needs to be defined by something other than her kids—the members of this book club are proud, occasionally smug, in their decision to be “stay-at-home moms.”
“Why would you want a job?” Cindy is furrowing her brow, truly perplexed.
Lisa touches on the subject all of them are thinking, none of them daring to say. “Are you having financial concerns?” Her voice becomes earnest again. “Because you know if Eddie does have a problem with alcohol, it wouldn’t be unusual for him to have a problem with spending too. It’s called cross-addiction, and it’s—”
“Lisa,” Sarah stops her, “I promise you, Eddie is neither an alcoholic nor a compulsive spender. No, there is not a problem with money, but in the couple of days since this happened I’ve done a lot of thinking, and part of that thinking has been if this is permanent, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
“And, Cindy, while I think you are the greatest mother in the world, and I know how much you love being with the kids all day, I’m starting to feel that I need to do something else. Clichéd as it may sound, I want to give something back, and find some purpose in life other than just living for my children.”
“Good job,” Caroline almost cheers, as Cindy sits perplexed, wondering how on earth anyone could not think that being a mother was the most fulfilling job in the world, and Lisa wracks her brain trying to think of what it would take to organize an intervention and how she could get Sarah to come with her to an Al-Anon meeting.
“So what are you going to do?” Cindy finally asks.
Sarah shrugs. “I used to be a features editor, so it makes sense to stay in journalism.”
“Could you do some freelancing for your old magazine?”
“I thought about it but I’m not young and single anymore. I’m exactly the demographic that terrifies them, and, to be honest, I’m not that interested in writing anymore. Also, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I find it very scary, going back into the workplace. I feel as if my brain shrunk to about a quarter of its size once I had Maggie. I could never do some high-powered job. I’m just looking for something small that keeps me busy.”
“If it makes you feel better,” Caroline says, “I have no memory anymore, and I manage my job. Just . . .”
Cindy laughs.
“No, I’m serious,” Caroline says. “This morning I opened the door to the fridge in the butler’s pantry three times before I remembered why I was doing it. I kept opening it, looking blankly inside with no memory of why I was there or what I was looking for. Then I’d go back to the kitchen, remember what it was I wanted, go back to the butler’s pantry and whoosh, there I’d be, staring blankly into the goddamned fridge again with no idea why I was there. Three times that happened. Can you believe it? Three times!”
They all start laughing. “I went to the mall last week,” Cindy admits, “and had no idea where I parked the car. It took me an hour and twenty minutes to find the car—can you believe that? I just parked, got out without looking which floor I was on, or which bay, or anything. Just merrily went off shopping and didn’t even think about it until I was in the elevator and they asked me which level and I had no clue.”
“You know what you should do?” Caroline, ever the sensible Caroline, says. “You should get a car that’s a crazy color. Like bright pink or green. That way you’d never lose it.”
“Or a Hummer,” Lisa says. “You’d always find a Hummer.”
“Especially if it was banana yellow like that woman’s at my gym.”
“Oh, my God, I hate those cars,” Sarah says. “You can’t get one of those cars, not unless you have a tiny penis and a huge superiority complex.”
“The last time I looked I had neither.” Cindy grins. “And don’t worry, I won’t be getting a Hummer. I’m quite happy with my minivan.”
“I think I may get a Porsche,” Sarah says suddenly.
“No!” Their voices, a combination of shock and envy, echo round the kitchen.
“Oh, I’m just kidding,” she says. “But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re suddenly single? Get a fast car, lose loads of weight, and get a whole new wardrobe? Mind you, the losing weight thing I could cope with.” She gestures to the spare tire around her middle. “Maybe I should join a gym.”
“You’d better not change too much or we won’t be able to be friends with you anymore,” Lisa jokes, although there is a hint of seriousness in her voice—after all, she feels safe with these women, is not threatened by any of them, but what could be more threatening than a newly single, newly skinny glamorous divorcée in their midst?
“Never gonna happen,” Sarah sighs. “I haven’t got the energy.”
“So bring the local paper over,” Caroline says. “Let’s have a look through and see if there are any jobs that sound interesting. Hell, why don’t we even help you get your resume together.”
Sarah’s face brightens. “You’d do that for me? You wouldn’t mind?”
“Of course not. That’s what friends are for.”
* * *
By the time the women leave, at the untraditionally late hour of 11:30 that night, there are four sealed envelopes sitting on the kitchen counter, waiting to be mailed.
Each contains a letter that was written by Caroline and Lisa and edited by Sarah, and an updated resume, which made Sarah’s life, or at least the last five years of it, sound infinitely more interesting than it actually was.
The resume had her organizing various school events (trueish—she had provided the cookies for the annual bake sale), co-chairing charitable committees (she had attended as a guest), and being household manager of a busy household (true, but only because Eddie had never done anything that had been asked of him).
Even Sarah had to admit it was fairly impressive. Unfortunately, there hadn’t been many jobs that she was suited for. She had ended up applying for a retail job in a clothes store, an administrative manager position in a realtor’s office, and a job as a personal assistant to an accountant.
Now it’s just a question of time.
By the time Sarah goes upstairs and checks on the kids, she’s far too excited to sleep. She runs a hot bath—a treat she rarely makes time for anymore—pours in almost half a bottle of Crabtree & Evelyn bath foam, and lies bac
k in the steaming water, thinking about Eddie, wondering what he’s doing, how he’s getting on.
* * *
Eddie has been wanting to call Sarah all evening. He just wants to hear her voice, find out how the kids are, how she’s doing, whether she might have changed her mind. Several times he’s picked up the phone and started dialing, but each time he placed the phone gently back in the cradle, knowing that he can’t chase Sarah, can’t phone her or pursue her until he’s figured out exactly how to win her back; exactly how to make his marriage work again.
He’s staying in a hotel in the city for now. His office has already found a serviced apartment in Chicago for him, and he’s planning on going out there after the weekend. He’s going back to see the kids, and then flying out on Sunday night.
The last couple of nights he had initially accepted invitations to go out and hit the bars with his younger, single colleagues. They had tried to encourage him to let loose a little, but the truth was that now that there was nothing for him to get back to, now that there was no home waiting for him, even if it was a nagging, unhappy home, the prospect of drinking all night and ending the evening with a pizza in front of the game just wasn’t that appealing right now.
In any event he had stayed for one drink, then had gone back to his hotel room. He’d thought about a few beers but realized he didn’t really want them. The evening had stretched out ahead of him, so he’d put on some sweat pants and a T-shirt that barely covered his expanding girth and had headed upstairs to the hotel gym.
What the hell, he thought, as he breathlessly pounded the treadmill, sweat dripping off the end of his nose. What else am I supposed to do to kill a couple of hours?
Eddie woke the next morning with calves that were cramping in agony. “Shit!” he muttered as he sat up in bed and massaged the cramps away, stretching his legs in almost-forgotten exercises. But he had to admit, despite everything that had happened, it felt pretty good to have exercised last night.
Sitting on the edge of the bed in the darkened hotel room, Eddie decided that step one of his resolution to make his marriage work was to work on himself. I’m going to get myself in shape, even if it kills me.
And that morning Eddie went to work with a bounce in his step that he hadn’t felt in a very long time.
CHAPTER 6
Eddie can’t wait to see Sarah. It’s his turn to take the kids this weekend, and even though a hotel in midtown isn’t exactly the perfect spot, he’s off to Chicago next week, and the kids will probably enjoy it. The hotel staff have already set up two cots in the adjoining room, and sitting on top are teddy bears and a selection of games—compliments of the hotel.
He’s been working out the last few nights, and he checks himself one last time in the mirror before he leaves. Pulling in his stomach as far as it will go, Eddie gives himself the once-over. Not bad, he has to admit, or certainly not as bad as it has been. Of course he doesn’t really look any different, but he’s starting to feel better, now that he’s replaced the beer and TV with the treadmill and water.
He and Sarah have had the odd, tense conversation since he left. They’ve tried to sort out arrangements with the kids, or Sarah has phoned to query yet another letter or bill that Eddie was supposed to sort out but hadn’t had time, and usually the conversations end in a fight, or, at best, exasperated sighs from Sarah.
He’s determined to play things differently today. Even if Sarah starts a fight, Eddie’s going to back down. He’s going to apologize. It’s too early for him to come clean about wanting to try again, but he’s going to take the first steps to smoothing the path.
Because Eddie misses Sarah. He misses the kids. Hell, he misses his life. He’s lonely in this hotel room, lonely in the gym with the other business travelers who will be returning to their wives and children any day now. Eddie has nothing to return to except a tiny hotel room, a room-service meal, and more of the same tomorrow.
* * *
“Daddy!” Walker and Maggie cry out in unison as they thunder down the hallway, arms outstretched as Eddie scoops them up, burying his face in their hair, feeling as if his heart is going to break. God, he missed them. He didn’t realize until this moment quite how much he’s missed them.
“Daddy! Come play with my tea party.” Maggie takes his hand and gestures toward her room, where she’s set up a tea party for her eight favorite dolls, all of whom, rather bizarrely, are named Gracie Abigail, Abigail Gracie, Gracie, or Abigail.
“No!” Walker jumps up and down. “Come see my new Spiderman web shooters, Dad! They’re so cool!” Walker starts dragging Eddie down to his room to show off his new acquisitions, a direct result of Sarah’s guilt over Eddie’s leaving.
“Hang on, guys,” Eddie says. “Where’s Mom?”
“Hi, Eddie.” Eddie hears Caroline’s voice at the end of the hallway, and he turns to her, a wave of disappointment washing over him.
“Hey, Caroline. Where’s Sarah?”
“She had to run out to do some errands. She asked me to come over and watch the kids.” Caroline can barely look him in the eye as she says this, she and Eddie both knowing that Sarah doesn’t want to see Eddie, that of course this is just an excuse.
“Right.” Eddie turns away and scoops Maggie up in his arms. “Come on, Maggie,” he says quickly, in a bid to hide his pain. “Let’s go get your bag and you, I, and Walker will take the train into the city.”
“Yay! The city!” Walker shouts, running down the hallway into his room. “Can we go to the museum with the dinosaurs?”
“Yup,” Eddie says. “We can do whatever you want.”
“Can we go to American Girl Place?” Maggie asks deviously, even though Sarah has said she is not to get another American Girl doll until her next birthday, many months away.
“Absolutely,” Eddie says. “We’re going to have the greatest weekend ever.” He turns to Caroline, who is leaning in the doorway watching them. “Tell Sarah I’ll have them back Sunday by five.”
* * *
“What do you mean he looked good? He’s not supposed to look good.”
Caroline shrugs. “I’m sorry, but you said you wanted to know the truth. But on the plus side he looked devastated when he realized you weren’t here.”
“He did?”
“Yes, and how come you like hearing that? You’re having second thoughts aren’t you? It’s not too late, you know. My impression was that Eddie really misses you all; he’d come back in a heartbeat.”
Sarah shakes her head. “I know you’re probably right, but I don’t think I can do that. Of course I miss him, but I don’t miss the Eddie of today; I miss the Eddie I married.” She sighs. “I wouldn’t take back the Eddie of today.”
“He can’t have changed that much,” Caroline says. “He’s still the same person, surely.”
Sarah shakes her head. “I don’t think he is, and if I thought there was any chance at all of him becoming the person he was, I wouldn’t be doing this; I’d be working through it.”
“And what about you?” Caroline asks quietly. “Do you think you’ve changed? Are you still the same person Eddie married?”
Sarah snorts. “I barely know who I am when I look in the mirror anymore, let alone who I was when I got married. Seriously. Like I said the other night, I look in the mirror and wonder who in the hell that is looking back at me. And I hear myself screaming at the kids and I hate myself for it and wonder what happened to the happy, easygoing, fun-loving person I used to be.”
There’s a pause before Caroline offers gently, “Do you think it’s possible that Eddie feels the same way?”
But Sarah shakes her head. “If he had spent any more time with us he might have noticed. But he was hardly ever here. I really don’t think he cared.”
* * *
Eddie would never admit this to anyone, but he was dreading this weekend. He’d missed his kids enormously, but the truth was he’d never spent any real time with them. Occasionally he would take Walker out somewhere,
but it was rare for him to take the two of them out—he’d always thought of that, he realized painfully, as Sarah’s job.
He was terrified of spending an entire two days with them, without any help, but he wound up having one of the greatest weekends of his life. They took the train into Grand Central—an adventure in and of itself—jumped in a cab and went to the Central Park Zoo. Hot dogs from a street stand for lunch, then Toys R Us in Times Square complete with Ferris wheel, The Natural History Museum, and American Girl Place.
The kids, as expected, loved the whole experience of staying in the hotel. They loved that they had picnic room-service dinners on the floor in front of The Lion King 2, they loved that they both slept in cots in the same room, and mostly they loved that they had never spent so much time with their daddy by themselves.
They were in heaven.
On Sunday they went to the playground in Central Park, then to see the Concorde at the U.S.S. Intrepid, then to the movies. The only hard part was saying good-bye.
Eddie takes them back home and hugs them hard, trying not to cry. Chicago suddenly seems a very long way away, and for the first time he realizes how much he is going to miss them.
“I love you,” he says as he clings on tight, squeezing Walker until he complains. “Look after your sister and your mom for me until I get back.”
“Okay, Dad,” Walker says. “Will you come back tonight?”
“No, Walk, I can’t come back tonight, but I’ll come back just as soon as I can. And, hey, maybe you guys will come and see me? You could fly over on an airplane. How would you like that?”
“Cool!” Walker says, flying his toy Concorde high in the air. “Hey, Mom!” Sarah opens the front door, knowing she has to face Eddie. She catches his eye and Eddie forces himself not to look away.
“Hi, Sarah.” His voice is cool, far more cool than he would have expected given his churning emotions. “The kids had a great time. Thank you for letting me take them. Maggie spilt some ketchup on her pajamas, which I tried to wash out but couldn’t, hope that’s okay.”