by Jane Green
“Evidently he does feel something very strong for you, but, honey, he’s way too confident for this to be a one-off.”
“I know. I think that’s what freaked me out. If he’d had a bit more humility, hell, I might have gone for it.”
“Really?” Caroline’s eyes are wide.
Sarah shrugs. “No. Probably not. But he seemed so sure that I was just going to sigh and fall into his arms. I know you’re right; he must do this with everyone.” There’s a silence, and then Sarah says quietly, “But am I still allowed to feel flattered?”
“Are you kidding? Of course! The man’s gorgeous, even if he is a sleaze, although you’re looking pretty gorgeous yourself these days.”
“You really think so?” Sarah’s eyes light up.
“Oh, come on. You’re like a different person. Eddie wouldn’t recognize you if he saw you now. Speaking of which,” Caroline continues in a more gentle tone, “I know you’ve been putting it off, but it’s nearly Christmas. Have you thought about what you’re going to do? Is he going to spend Christmas with the kids? At the very least, don’t you think it’s time you got together with him and talked?”
“You’re right.” Sarah nods slowly. “It’s time. I was so scared of being on my own, but you know what? I can do this. I’ve been happier these last couple of months than for the last six years. I feel stronger, more contented, just better. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss Eddie, but the truth is I miss having someone, although life on my own isn’t nearly as lonely as I thought it would be.”
Caroline’s eyes widen. “Wow. So this is it? I thought you were going to say you’d try again.”
“I can’t,” Sarah sighs. “Eddie isn’t who I want him to be, and I know how naïve it would be to expect him to change for me. You can’t change anyone—even I know that. I didn’t ever think I’d be getting divorced, but then I never knew how unhappy I was until I experienced the alternative. I guess I just kept hoping it was a phase and would pass. Well,” she attempts a bright smile, “the good news is it finally has.”
“Are you going to see a lawyer?”
“Just as soon as the holidays are over.”
“And what about Eddie and the children over the holidays?”
“We spoke yesterday. He said he wants to spend Christmas with them but he’s going to stay at the inn, not at home. I don’t want to spoil their Christmas. We’ll wait until after the holidays to tell them, and as hard as it’s going to be, we’ll put on a united front until then for the kids’ sake. It’s the right thing to do.”
CHAPTER 11
“No, Walker, honey. I know you want that giant tree but Mommy can’t manage it by herself. We have to get something smaller.”
“But Daddy always gets the biggest one,” Walker whines, dragging his feet next to Maggie as they walk through the farm, Walker constantly pulling Maggie over to the giant trees while Sarah tries to direct them both to something far more manageable.
Sarah grits her teeth. “I know Daddy always gets the big ones, but small trees are way cooler.” Oh, God, Sarah shakes her head. How ridiculous that she’s speaking like a teenager in a bid to bond with her five-year-old. “You know why they’re cooler?”
“No. Why?” Walker asks reluctantly. He doesn’t buy it.
“Because you can reach the top and put the star on yourself.”
“But, Mom!” He doesn’t buy it. “Daddy always gets the ladder.”
“Walker, I’m running out of patience,” Sarah snaps. “We’re getting a small Christmas tree this year and that’s that.”
And Walker bursts into tears, followed by Maggie.
“Shhh, Shhh!” Sarah hisses, praying for them to stop, as people start giving them concerned looks. “Please, will you stop crying. Please. Walker, here, do you want a lollipop?” Sarah fumbles around in her bag for the sugar bribes she has taken to carrying.
“No!” Walker wails. “I want my daddy.”
Oh, God, Sarah thinks. Great. And the guilt starts kicking in.
“Okay, Walker,” she says. “Daddy will be here in a few days so, okay, we’ll get a big tree. Okay?” Walker’s wails turn into sniffles. “Okay?”
“Really big?” Walker says, as Maggie also stops crying.
Sarah sighs. “Whatever.” And Walker whoops with joy and runs off to the eight-foot-and-higher section.
* * *
They end up with a nine-foot tree. The men at the farm drag it out to the car and secure it onto the roof for them, and Sarah drives home listening to Walker and Maggie talking about Daddy decorating the tree when he gets home.
“Walker, sweetie,” Sarah says finally, “Daddy’s coming home on Christmas Eve, which is in a few days, and wouldn’t it be nice if he came home to a tree decorated by all of us? That would make him so happy. Why don’t we decorate the tree ourselves?”
“But Daddy loves decorating the tree,” Walker says. “He would be sad if we did it without him.”
Sarah thinks about Christmases past. And Walker’s right. Eddie does seem to come alive at Christmas, does love the traditions, does actually get off of the sofa and choose the tree, help decorate it, help stuff the stockings.
But that was then and this is now. As much as she’s determined not to ruin the holidays for the kids, Sarah also knows that they have to accept that some things have changed forever, and this is one of them.
“You remember when you spoke to Daddy yesterday?”
“Yes!” Maggie shouts out. “I love my daddy!”
“Yes, darling, I know. Well Daddy told me that he wanted us to decorate the tree because he said you were so good last year, Walk, that he wanted to see how you did it all by yourself.”
Walker’s eyes light up. “So all by myself? No grown-ups helping?”
“Well, no. He just meant you would be in charge.”
“Yay!” Walker shouts with a grin. “I’m gonna make an awesome tree for Daddy.”
* * *
Twenty minutes later Sarah phones Caroline.
“I feel really stupid but I need to borrow your husband.”
“Sure,” Caroline says. “Just as long as you don’t want to have sex with him. Actually, on second thought do have sex with him. It might take the pressure off me.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m standing outside my house feeling pathetic and hopeless but I’ve got a nine-foot Christmas tree on the roof of my car and I haven’t got a clue how to get the damn thing inside.”
“See? I told you men were good for something.” Caroline chuckles. “I’ll send him over right away.”
* * *
By the time Louis has come over and enlisted the help of Sarah plus three neighbors to get the tree off the car and in the house, Sarah is exhausted, not to mention the kids.
“Who wants to make hot chocolate?” Sarah asks as everyone leaves.
“Me! Me!” A chorus of two little voices.
Walker breaks the chocolate into the pot, Maggie stirs as Sarah holds her, careful not to burn them, and both of them drop the marshmallows into the cups.
“Mommy?” Maggie sidles up to her and rubs her cheek on Sarah’s leg as Sarah places the three mugs on the table.
“Yes, sweetie?” Sarah reaches down and strokes Maggie’s hair.
“You the best mommy,” Maggie says, as she flings her arms around Sarah’s leg. “And I a mommy’s girl.”
“No.” Walker jumps off the stool and comes over, trying to shove Maggie out of the way. “I’m a mama’s boy; you’re not a mommy’s girl.”
“I am,” Maggie starts to wail, as Sarah crouches down and takes them both in her arms, squeezing them hard. “You’re both my best boy and girl and I love you. Do you know how much I love you?”
“Yes,” Walker says and nods. “To infinity and beyond.”
“Exactly,” she says. “To infinity and beyond. And that’s about as much as anyone can ever love anyone else.”
“Mommy?” Walker says, after a few sips of hot chocolate.
“After this can we go see Santa at the mall?”
Sarah thinks about everything she has to do today. About how she was planning to stick the kids in front of a movie while she vacuumed the house and did some laundry. And it’s nearly Christmas. And it’s Saturday. The mall will be a zoo. She looks at her children’s faces and sees them looking expectantly at her.
“Okay,” she says. “When we’ve finished we can go see Santa at the mall.”
Maggie sits back in her chair and pushes her full mug of hot chocolate away. “I’m all done, Mom,” she says, as she climbs off her chair.
* * *
There’s a forty-five-minute wait to see Santa.
“Good Lord, I hope this is worth it,” Sarah mutters to the woman who joined the end of the line just in front of her.
“If it keeps them happy and quiet then it’s worth it.” The woman gives her a smile and they both laugh.
“I hope it’s good this year,” Sarah says, again, as always, impressed at the huge tree trunk flanked by two elves and a sleigh. Twinkling lights surround the arched entrance into the tree, and Sarah knows from past experience there will be storybook dioramas on the way to see Santa, actors and actresses playing the characters. Last year it was Beauty and the Beast, which was magical, but the year before was a very disappointing Cinderella.
“I heard it’s Peter Pan,” the woman says.
“Tinkerbell!” Maggie pipes up, hearing Peter Pan.
“Wouldn’t that be fun?” Sarah says to Maggie, scooping her up and giving her a kiss.
“Just as long as the Captain Hook isn’t scary.” The woman’s husband turns. “When our son watched the movie he didn’t sleep for about six months.”
“I did too!” An indignant six-year-old glares at his dad. “I wasn’t scared.”
For a split second Sarah watches the family standing in line in front of her and feels a pang. She misses being part of a family. Misses having a husband to come with, to help out. But even when she had a husband he never did this. Sure he loved Christmas, but he was never around to take the kids to see Santa. Sure, he was willing to look at the gifts she bought, but he was never available to actually come shopping with her and choose them with her.
Stop it, she tells herself. I’m missing something I never had. Something I could never have had with Eddie. It’s time to move on. Stop thinking about a past that never was.
* * *
“Did you see Tinkerbell?” Santa says to Maggie as she perches on his knee with wide eyes and a shy smile. Maggie nods.
“Isn’t she beautiful?”
Maggie nods again.
“And what did you think of Peter Pan?” Santa turns to Walker, perched on his other knee. “Did you see him fly?”
Walker nods. His five-year-old confidence has completely disappeared in the face of the real-life Santa Claus.
“But are you sure he’s the real one?” Walker had whispered earlier as they rounded a corner and saw a glimpse of Santa sitting behind a sparkly curtain.
“Absolutely.” Sarah had nodded seriously. “There’s only one Santa and this is it.”
“But what about the one at the grocery store?” Walker had said after a moment’s thought.
Sarah had frowned. The one at the grocery store had been rubbish. A cheap polyester suit and a very fake beard. When they’d got up close Sarah had discovered that Santa at the grocery store also happened to be a cross-dresser, which was disappointing, to say the least.
“Mom?” Walker had asked as they left. “Is Santa a lady?”
“Not usually,” Sarah had said. “But that’s not the real Santa. That’s just someone pretending.”
“Ho, Ho, Ho.” Santa—today’s more realistic Santa—beams. “So, Walker and Maggie, have you been good this year?”
They nod.
“I heard you had been. My elves told me you deserved really good gifts this year. What would you most like for Christmas?”
In the silence that follows Sarah has a jolt of realization. Oh, God, she thinks. I know this is going to turn into a Lifetime movie. Please don’t say it, she prays. Please don’t say I want my daddy home.
She holds her breath as Walker struggles to think of what he most wants before turning to Santa.
“I want . . .” Another pause. “I want the really cool robots from the movie that really walk and talk and do stuff like this.” And he gives an impromptu demonstration, which seems to give Maggie the confidence she has been missing.
“And I want a Barbie jeep,” Maggie announces.
“And can I have a jeep as well?” Walker says. “But a cool army one, not a Barbie one because Barbie is for girls, but my sister can have a pink one.”
“Ho, Ho, Ho,” Santa says. “You only get one gift for Christmas but I’ll see what I can do.”
“Santa,” Walker pauses and looks at Santa seriously, “actually what I’d really like is a light saber.”
“Okay,” Santa says. “Thanks for telling me.” And he looks at Sarah and winks. Sarah gathers up the children and whispers a thank you to Santa. “And thank God for good old American consumerism,” she mutters to herself on the way out.
* * *
“I am acting like a teenager,” Sarah says to Caroline on the phone.
“Not for the first time recently.” Caroline laughs. “Not that I’m going to be the one to remind you of how you blushed and ran away when Joe the sexy contractor made a pass at you.”
“He did not make a pass at me.” Sarah groans. “And anyway, we’re not supposed to talk about that anymore.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist.”
Joe hadn’t shown up again. He was not used to being rejected by the lonely housewives he so often worked for and ended up in bed with, and had not come back to finish the job. Sarah was part furious and part relieved. She was mortified at her behavior, relieved she hadn’t paid him, and even more relieved to find she had been put off completely by his overt advance and hadn’t spent any more time fantasizing about his six-pack stomach. Nope. She’d been put off entirely and now was simply irritated that she had to find someone else to finish the job.
In the end it had been done by a handyman, and although the sheetrock wasn’t as smooth as it could have been, at least her kitchen didn’t resemble a construction site, and at least the handyman in question had been in his early sixties, and not the slightest bit interested in Sarah.
“But I am regressing,” Sarah insists. “I can’t believe I’m pretending to have a party tonight so when Eddie arrives he can see me all dressed up. I feel so bitchy, I just want to show him what he’s missing.”
“Well, it is kind of bitchy but also normal human behavior. It’s that I may not want you but I still want you to want me thing. And anyway, look how awesome you look; of course you want him to see.”
“So you’re sure Louis won’t think I’m weird coming over to your house for dinner wearing a black cocktail dress?”
“Weird? He’ll think it’s his lucky night.”
CHAPTER 12
The best-laid plans of mice and men . . .
Naturally Sarah is in the middle of blowing out her hair when the doorbell rings. She sighs and gathers her robe around her as she goes to the top of the stairs and sees Walker and Maggie running to the door. They know they’re not allowed to open it for strangers, but as they peer through the glass they start shrieking and leaping up and down with excitement.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”
And then Walker opens the door and both of them fling themselves into Eddie’s arms. Eddie crouches down and squeezes them, as his eyes fill up with tears. He never wants to let them go. He never wants this moment to end. Oh, God, how he missed them.
“Daddy? Why are you crying?” Maggie breaks away and looks into his face curiously.
“Because I’m so happy to see you two.” Eddie laughs through his tears. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Walker doesn’t say anything; he just leans his head
on Eddie’s shoulder with a beatific smile on his face, and Sarah swallows the lump that is now in her throat.
And once she has successfully swallowed the lump in her throat she takes a second look at Eddie.
“Eddie?”
“Hi, Sarah.” Eddie disengages from the children and walks over to where Sarah is standing, halfway up the stairs, and he leans over to give her an awkward kiss on the cheek, and Sarah’s mouth drops open in shock. She completely forgets her fantasy of wafting down the stairs in a stunning dress and just stares.
“You look amazing,” she says, before she even has a chance to think about what she’s saying. “What have you done?”
Eddie grins. “Just working out. I guess I’ve lost some weight.”
“Show me your muscles, Daddy.” Walker dances around him, unable to stop touching him, unable to believe his dad is finally here.
“Okay.” Eddie flexes. “Feel that.”
“Wow!” Walker gingerly prods his bicep. “Whoa, that’s big. Cool!”
And Sarah comes back to the present, remembering that this isn’t how he’s supposed to see her, and flustered she starts backing up the stairway.
“Look, I hope this is okay but I have a cocktail party at work. It won’t be long but I promised I’d make an appearance. Do you mind looking after the kids for an hour or so?”
“Are you kidding? I don’t mind at all.” Eddie works hard to cover up his disappointment. He was looking forward to spending the evening with all three of them, but he’s not going to show Sarah. He’s going to be cool Eddie, play just a little bit hard to get, not show her how much he’s missed her. At least, not yet.
But, God, it’s good to be home, back where he belongs. He runs a hand lovingly along the chair rail, smiles as he sees the spot on the stairs where Walker spilt some grape juice last summer. He takes the kids into the kitchen and instantly feels remorse when he sees the missing wall. For a moment he feels like a stranger—how odd that something so big should have happened when he was away—but it passes quickly.