Dora glanced back at Lord Lascher. He smiled, spreading out his arms and gesturing for her and Kieron to step out of the elevator and into the office. “Welcome to Corporate Hell.”
She and Kieron stepped into the office, side-by-side. Lord Lascher followed before overtaking them to lead them on a tour of his department. She glanced at Kieron and noticed he appeared as disappointed as she felt. Corporate Hell looked immensely boring.
“Corporate Hell is one of the most productive sectors here,” Lord Lascher said, smoothing out his black jacket and adjusting his red tie.
Dora peered at the office workers as she passed them. A bald guy in a navy suit was trying to balance a pencil on his nose. He failed, and the pencil rolled off his nose and clattered onto the desk in front of him. He picked it up and started doing the same thing all over again.
“We do exciting and innovative work here …” Lord Lascher continued.
Dora spotted a woman in her twenties, staring at her computer monitor in a demented fashion. She ferociously chewed on her own fingernails, down to the cuticle.
“Our secret is to provide a happy work environment for our staff.” Lord Lascher appeared oblivious to the middle-aged man in the corner cubicle, who had leapt out of his chair and was screaming at his monitor. Dora watched in awe as the man took a baseball bat and swung it at the screen with hate-driven force. The computer screen shattered in an explosion of plastic pieces, and he jumped up and down on its remains, having a tantrum.
“That’s gotta be a home run,” she muttered.
“Job satisfaction, that’s the key.” Lord Lascher continued, leading them on the guided tour of the room, appearing oblivious to the insanity around him.
Kieron gasped when they passed two secretaries who were fighting over the photocopier. A tall blonde held a shorter redhead by the hair as she banged her head against the top of the machine. Meanwhile, the redhead shot staples into the blonde’s hand with a giant stapler. “It’s my fucking turn, you bitch!” the redhead cried.
“We find our workers are most productive in a competitive environment,” Lord Lascher said before he pointed the wall behind him.
Dora spun around to see a white board mounted against a windowed partition. The board had a table drawn on it with headings of ‘Staff’ and ‘Souls’. The staff column held a list of names. Next to each name was a number written in blood. She widened her eyes when the numbers changed on their own. “What do they get if they win?” she asked.
“Ah, a good question. They win the company bonus,” Lord Lascher said.
“What’s that?” Dora studied the board, watching the top name constantly change.
“A bottle of wine.”
“But can’t they just conjure a bottle of wine?” she asked.
“Yes, but that’s not the point. Winning is the point.”
“But you don’t win anything.”
“It’s the same theory as video games. How many hours do people spent working for nothing in a video game, and to what end? The win is the ultimate prize.”
“But you don’t win anything.” Dora repeated.
Kieron laughed, and Lord Lascher appeared unamused.
“Well you don’t.” She protested.
“It’s the accomplishment—the knowledge you are the best.” Lord Lascher’s brow furrowed into a frown.
“Why not just tell yourself you’re the best and spend your time making something real, instead?”
“That’s just not how people or demons work.”
A loud scream interrupted the conversation. They all turned to see a young man in a suit roar as he ran face first into a wall a few feet away from them. He bounced off the wall and flopped onto the floor. He appeared unconscious as he landed on his back near the water cooler.
“Is stupidity how they work?” Dora asked, watching a dopey smile spread across the young man’s face.
“Well, yes. Stupidity is a main part of the human psyche.” Lord Lascher admitted.
“What do they win?” Kieron grinned, pointing to a fornicating couple who were making out against the glass partition in the office behind Lord Lascher .
Dora stifled a shocked laugh. They were really going for it. Their clothes were hanging off them, and their hands were twisted up in the venetian blinds. They appeared oblivious to the audience they had on the other side of the glass.
“We like to let office relationships develop to a point. However, this kind of relationship should be an office secret.” Lord Lascher’s eyes widened as the girl’s naked ass cheeks slammed against the glass.
“Why does it need to be a secret?” Kieron asked.
“So people don’t see naked ass in their faces,” Dora muttered as the ass cheeks slapped against the glass again and spread across it.
“No, it’s just more exciting if you’re not allowed to do it. We make sure our office workers all fear being caught doing it. It makes the office romances more exciting for them,” Lord Lascher said.
“They seem pretty excited without the secrets.” Dora commented, watching the naked, entwined bodies ferociously maul each other.
“Yes they do, don’t they? Still, it’s against company policy. They’ll get fired for it.” Lord Lascher appeared saddened as he shook his head.
A plump woman, wearing a grey jumpsuit, stormed into the office containing the copulating couple. Her tight bun of dark hair pulled against the skin on her face, stretching her harsh features. She carried a clipboard in one hand and a nozzle style gun in the other. She had a large canister strapped to her back, which Dora realised attached to the nozzle as the woman turned to close the door behind her.
The couple were still going crazy over each other and using far too much tongue in Dora’s opinion. “Who’s she? A Ghostbuste—” Dora didn’t finish her sentence as the lady said something unintelligible to the couple and pointed the nozzle of her tank at them. The couple didn’t react or even notice she was there. After a few seconds, she fired. Flames blazed out of the nozzle and doused the couple in fire, burning them to a crisp in a few short seconds.
“That’s HR,” Lord Lascher said, guiding Dora and Kieron to face the opposite direction. Dora was thankful to look away from the charred corpse butt on the window and across the open plan office instead. “Whatever you two do, don’t mess with HR.” Lord Lascher warned.
Dora glanced at Kieron. He was almost bouncing up and down with excitement at the prospect of visiting the Punishment Sector today. She peered around Lord Lascher’s office in Corporate Hell, feeling bored.
If today involves filing again, I’m so outta here.
She noticed a small bulge moving inside her backpack and bent over the table to be closer to it. “Stop wriggling so much, Pooey,” she whispered.
“My ass has gone numb.” Pooey complained.
“Well, rub it.”
“Great, just what I always wanted, to rub my own ass better.” Pooey grumbled.
“What?” Kieron peered at Dora.
“Oh, I was just talking to myself.” Dora sat up straight and attempted to appear innocent.
“Ohh, okay. Do you do that often?” He studied her from a safe distance.
“Yes, I’m totally crazy. I also check my palms regularly for hairs growing on them,” she replied, rolling her eyes.
“Why wouldn’t you?” Kieron glanced down at his own palms and studied them. “I can’t wait until mine grow in.”
Dora blinked at him.
Is he being serious?
“Okay kids. Are you ready for some fun?” Lord Lascher burst into the office. Dora nearly fell off her chair at the sound of his booming voice.
“Hell yes!” Kieron was already out of his seat and standing beside his father.
“Can’t wait.” Dora grimaced, imagining a day of mundane office work ahead. She stood up and grabbed her bag off the table. When she swung it over her shoulder, she coughed to cover up the muffled protests coming from Pooey.
“This way.” Lord Lascher g
uided them out of the office. They followed him down a long, dark corridor, which appeared to go on forever. A pinch of fear made her pause as the idea of being stuck in the office forever invaded her thoughts. She sighed and continued when an escalator came into view ahead. She thanked all that was unholy for an escape route as they went up the escalator. At the top, she noticed a chill in the air. It was the first time she’d ever felt cold in Hell.
They entered a large room, which looked like an airport check-in area. A line of counters faced them. Food stands were dotted near the exits and several doors led off to other rooms. The area was deserted. The hollow sound of their footsteps echoed around the room as they crossed the tiled floor, heading in the direction of a door marked ‘Observation Deck’.
“This is so cool,” Kieron whispered. He had a bright gleam of excitement in his eyes and a wide grin on his face.
Dora glanced at him as if he were crazy. “It’s just an airport.”
“No, it’s so much more. You’ll see.”
She shrugged and found herself checking out Kieron’s muscled back as he turned and headed towards the door. She dawdled behind him, not looking forward to the Punishment Sector at all. She couldn’t be assed with another day at the office. Having her head cut off in school was more fun than this week in Corporate Hell had been.
I thought evil was supposed to be exciting. What are we going to be learning about today? Evil vending machines and how to fill them up, evil databases and how to input data into them? No wait, I learnt that yesterday …
Dora yawned as she followed Kieron and his father through the ‘Observation Deck’ doorway. Everything here is so borin—her brain froze as she stepped out on to a vast platform and looked around. There was no ceiling, only red swirling skies above her and no walls, just a low barrier around the edges. The barren landscape of Hell spread out behind the barrier. Her eyes widened as she saw her first view of Hell’s wilderness, but it wasn’t the vast stretch of red desert that made her jaw drop open in shock. Directly ahead of her were rows upon rows of sleeping dragons, in varying shades. Massive beasts with fangs were the size of Dora were curled up in football-field-sized enclosures. Some were sleeping and others were walking around the platform.
She stared in awe as a red scaly beast flew in from the sky and landed with an ear-shattering roar on a dusty runway.
“Aren’t they beautiful?” Kieron asked, his eyes bouncing from the azure dragon to the emerald green one.
“Where did they come from?” she asked, unable to keep the awe from her voice as she watched the red dragon walk to an empty enclosure. She gasped when she noticed a rider on its back. The rider was tiny. A dot seated on the scaled back of a gigantic dragon.
“Long story, but you know about dinosaurs, right?” Kieron said.
“Prehistoric creatures, sure.”
“Well, when they died … er, some of them had been bad.”
“Are you trying to tell me that dragons are dinosaurs in demon form?”
“Kinda.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, no one knows for sure because they keep their souls.”
“Like me.” Dora smiled. She liked the idea of being similar to one of these majestic beasts.
“But they’re dead, we think …”
“You don’t know?”
“Would you want to poke one to find out?”
“Fair point,” she said. “Who’s she?” She pointed to the leather-clad pilot of the red dragon as she jumped down off the massive red beast and patted it on the snout.
“Oh, that’s the Sky Huntress,” he replied.
“Who’s she?”
“She’s like the general for the air force here. The dragons have always let her fly them. No one knows why.
Dora watched Lord Lascher approach the Sky Huntress. She wore flying goggles, so Dora couldn’t see much of her face. Her long blond hair flew behind her as a gust of wind blew across the platform. Her leather suit clung to her shapely figure. She wore a lethal-looking steel gauntlet on her left arm and carried a whip in her other hand.
Lord Lascher said something to her, and she shook her head. He said something else, which must have angered her because she uncurled her whip and let it trail on the floor as if preparing to strike him. He backed away from her, shaking his head and holding his hands in front of him.
“What’s he doing?” Dora asked.
“Probably making an ass of himself,” Kieron replied.
Lord Lascher appeared to be speaking quickly to the Sky Huntress. Whatever he said must have worked because her posture relaxed, and the whip remained at her side. Dora tried to listen to the conversation, but the whoosh of air over the platform distorted all the sounds around her.
She shrugged and glanced upwards, gazing in awe at the hundreds of dragons in the sky above her. Their massive wings flapped over the platform as they twirled and darted in the air. Each dragon had a rider seated in the golden saddles on their backs. She realised they were coordinated as they swooped through the air in formation. “Oh, wow,” she muttered, staring up at the team of airborne dragons.
Kieron glanced up too. “Amazing, aren’t they?”
“Are those all sky er, hunters?” she asked, pointing to the riders.
“No, there’s only one Sky Huntress. Those are her flyers. They’re all under her command. See that one there, on the silver dragon?”
Dora searched the skies for a silver dragon. She could just make out the dark-haired rider on its back.
“That’s PattiAvilla, the second-in-command. Dad got me her autograph once,” he said with excitement in his voice.
“Screw an autograph. I want to ride her dragon!”
Kieron laughed. “I doubt they’ll let us. They won’t even let dad ride one. Well, he tried once and nearly lost his head, literally.”
“Won’t it just grow back though? He is a demon, right?”
“Funny thing about dragons; if one kills you in Hell, you kinda stay dead.”
“How is that even possible?”
He shrugged. “No one knows. Dragons are mysterious creatures even to us.”
“Okay. That was hard work, but we’re in.” Lord Lascher shouted over the noise of flapping of wings as he returned to Dora and Kieron.
“In what?” Kieron asked.
“The Sky Huntress has allowed us to join her on her next mission.”
“Whoa! Are you for real?” Kieron squealed like an excited teenage girl at a Bieber concert.
“You just lost two thousand man points with that squeal.” Dora told Kieron.
“Bite me! I get to fly a dragon,” he replied in a slightly deeper voice.
“What is the mission, anyway?” She turned to ask Lord Lascher.
“We get to hunt down runaway narcissists.” Lord Lascher also sounded like an excited teenage girl.
“If you two don’t calm down, I’m going to start braiding your hair.” She told both the Laschers.
“Well said.” The Sky Huntress’s voice was sultry and commanding at the same time. Dora jumped when she heard it coming from behind her. She turned to face the pilot who stood a few feet away.
“Shall we?” The Sky Huntress gestured towards her red dragon, inviting them to climb aboard.
Dora eyed the flimsy belt around her waist. It was supposed to strap her to the saddle on the back of the dragon. She glanced sideways at Kieron, who was staring in awe at the red dragon scales beneath his feet.
“Psst! Is this safe?” she hissed at Kieron.
“What? Oh yeah, worst case scenario, you fall out,” he replied while gazing around in awe.
“Won’t I die if I fall out?”
“Why the fuck can I smell dragon?” Pooey’s voice burst out of Dora’s backpack.
“Is that Pooey?” Kieron spun around in his seat with surprise widening his eyes.
“What?” She attempted to appear innocent. The sound of whooshing wings and dragon growls drowned out Kieron’s reply as
the red wings of the dragon flapped, and the giant beast bounded down the runway with them strapped to its back.
“Oh fuck. I’m gonna barf!” Pooey yelped.
Kieron gripped her hand as if suddenly realising she was only human. Her ears popped as the muscles in the massive beast shifted beneath them. A harsh gust of wind pushed them back in their seats as they launched into the air.
“Ye haaaa! Lord Lascher shouted from the passenger seat in front of them, thrusting his fist into the air in triumph as they took off. He sat beside the Sky Huntress, who shook her head at him. Dora watched the Sky Huntress’s hair catch the wind in golden tendrils. She appeared at ease in the sky, seated on the back of giant dragon.
After the horrifying take off, Dora relaxed a little. The ride settled down to a smooth flight as it passed over the barren landscape of Hell.
“Did I hear Pooey?” Kieron demanded.
“You might have,” she replied, hugging her backpack.
“You shouldn’t take him out of the house. He might get lost.”
“He was scared he’d be eaten by your mother. I couldn’t leave him behind.”
“He’s luncheon meat to anyone in Corporate Hell. Keep him out of sight,” Kieron whispered.
“But he’s too cute to eat.”
“Bite me.” Pooey’s voice came from within the backpack.
“He should know better than to leave the safety of Castle Lascher,” Kieron said to the backpack. “I’m surprised he hasn’t been eaten by someone before now.”
“I. R. Ninja,” Pooey replied, slowly pronouncing each word.
“U. R. A. Pain in the a—”
Dora punched Kieron in the arm before he could finish. “Dragon ride now. Bitch fight later,” she said to them both.
“Target up ahead.” The Sky Huntress called out over the sound of dragon wings flapping. She pointed to a figure running away in the distance.
Dora stared at the tiny man below them. He ran away from the approaching dragon and screamed. The dragon swooped down towards him. He glanced back at them and shrieked, scrambling over sharp cliffs in an attempt to escape.
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