by K. A. Linde
“And you just let him hang all over you?”
“No! I didn’t.”
“You know that he wants to get with you.”
I did know that. There was no point in disagreeing.
“That’s not going to happen.”
“I don’t fucking know that!” he roared. “I’m thousands of miles away, in a shoebox apartment, and you’re out on a beach with your fucking ex! I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“It’s not my fault that you’re in San Francisco. And you shouldn’t blame me for something that isn’t even going to happen.”
“I know I chose this. I know. But I don’t want you near him.”
“God, don’t you trust me?” I asked.
“Of course I do.”
“Then trust me!”
“I don’t trust him,” he yelled. “And I haven’t trusted him since that night you came back with him.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “Nothing happened then and nothing is going to happen now.”
“I don’t know that.”
“Then you’re a fucking liar,” I snarled. “And you don’t trust me.”
“I can’t do this, Lila,” he said, his own voice filled with a boiling anger.
We’d spent six months apart. I’d flown into San Francisco twice over the summer, and he’d come to Georgia once in August, but we hadn’t seen each other in months. The distance was taking a toll on the both of us. I missed him. He missed me. But missing each other didn’t seem to be enough when I was here on a beach with Ash and he didn’t trust me.
“What are you saying?” My voice was so small.
“I can’t sit here while you’re off, partying with him. I can’t do it.”
I swallowed hard as tears pricked my eyes. “Cole?”
“It’s not fair to either of us.”
“Stop,” I whispered.
“I didn’t think long distance would be easy, but it’s not working.”
“So what? You’re breaking up with me?” I cracked on the last line.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
I didn’t even know what to say to that. A bomb had gone off in my chest. Like he’d scooped out my heart and left me empty.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered.
“It’s already done.”
I stared at the silent phone after we hung up. Then I sank to the ground and buried my face in my hands. It felt too unbelievable to cry. As if I’d walked into someone else’s nightmare. My boyfriend couldn’t have done that. We’d been through so much. More than two years, and now, gone … in a phone call.
“Lila?”
I lifted my head and found Ash hovering above me. “What?”
“You disappeared. Channing was freaking out.”
“Right. Tell her I’m fine. I had to take a phone call.”
Ash’s eyes slid over me, and he frowned. “Some phone call.”
“You have no idea.”
He sank onto the ground next to me. “Want to tell me about it?”
“Not really.”
He nodded, and we fell into silence. All around us, people were partying like the night would never end. If the world ended, this would be the place to be for it.
“I’ve seen that look on your face before,” he said softly after a few minutes.
I glanced at him hollowly, wondering if tears would ever breach the shock. “When?”
“Prom,” he said the word harshly. “I’ll never forget the way you looked at me that night.”
“You deserved worse.”
“Who deserves it tonight?”
Something broke in me at the question.
“Cole.” I choked on the word.
Ash wrapped an arm around my shoulders and drew me into him. I leaned my head against him, and we sat there for a few minutes until I was sure that the tears weren’t going to come after all.
Once I had to talk about it, that was when it would all hit me.
Ash finally straightened and pulled me to my feet. “I can’t be Marley and Josie for this. There’s no one to threaten to deck.”
I laughed a harsh, painful thing.
“But maybe we could dive back into the party, get wasted, and forget about tonight entirely?”
“I should probably just go upstairs.”
“Why? So you can obsess about it all night?” I opened my mouth to object. “Don’t tell me that you won’t. I know you will.”
“Fine. You think getting drunk will be better?”
“At least you’ll be numb.”
I took a deep, fortifying breath. “All right. This is stupid, but maybe I need to be stupid for a night.”
“That’s my girl,” he said with a broad smile.
Everything tightened in a tangled mess in my gut, and I had to look away from him. At the reason Cole had called in the first place.
But I let Ash drag me back to the party. And I drank enough that I didn’t remember the rest of the night … or the next morning.
17
Frat Beach
October 30, 2010
I woke up on a cloud. The bed was so comfortable and the comforter so lush that I was sure I’d never slept on anything this soft. Definitely not at the crappy hotel we’d gotten for the weekend.
Maybe it was way better than I remembered. Though I couldn’t remember much from yesterday. It was a big blur.
I blinked against the light streaming in through the enormous glass windows in the bedroom. Then I froze. That definitely was not the right kind of windows from my hotel. And the room was shaped wrong, bigger, but missing a queen bed. And I was in a king.
Oh fuck.
My mind played catch-up with the rest of what my body was realizing. I rolled over and nearly jumped when I saw a body in bed next to me. A very naked body.
“Ash,” I gasped.
I nearly tumbled out of bed, taking the sheet with me and covering my own naked body. I hovered on the edge as his eyes fluttered open, bright blue.
He blinked a few times, as if he, too, needed a minute to recover. Then he smiled. “Lila.”
It was such an erotic sound that I actually did step off of the bed this time. “What am I doing here?”
He glanced around his hotel room with a yawn. Our clothes were strewn all over the floor, as if they’d been haphazardly thrown into positions across the room. When he looked back at me, it was with bedroom eyes.
“We both know the answer to that.”
I shook my head. “No. This couldn’t have happened.”
“It definitely happened. Don’t say you don’t remember.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and it all rushed back. His mouth on mine and that tongue doing unspeakable things. His hands on my body and him inside of me.
I shuddered and took another step back. “Oh God.”
He scooted closer to me and held his hand out, as if I’d get back into bed with him. “Come on. It’s not like it was bad.”
“I have a boyfriend!” I yelled.
“Had.”
“What?”
He arched his eyebrows. “You had a boyfriend.”
And then that memory hit me too. The phone call. I nearly wept, but I was too horrified with what had happened to do anything at all.
“I can’t believe we did this.”
He dropped his hand back to his side. “Don’t regret this, Lila.”
“Too late.”
“It was too serendipitous for us to not end up right here. I had no idea you were here, and then you’re newly single in the same instant. Can’t you see that we’re meant to be?”
“All I can see is that I was drunk and hurting, and you took advantage of that.”
“Advantage?” he said in disgust. “I didn’t take advantage of you. I comforted you when that asshole had the fucking nerve to break up with you over the phone.”
“Don’t try to get on your high horse,” I snarled. “As if you have no sins at your feet.”
“I have plenty. But I�
�m not going to keep hiding behind them, Lila. I want you. I’ve always wanted you. And I won’t apologize for having you when you needed me.”
“I was drunk and hurting. You should have put me to bed and let me sleep it off. That’s what I needed! I needed you to say no!”
“I’ll never say no to you.”
And he said it with so much force that I immediately knew it to be true. Ash would never say no to me. Not in any situation. Definitely not this one.
Still, it frustrated me. That he couldn’t see what I’d needed and had taken what I’d offered instead. I was responsible too, of course. It hadn’t happened by itself, and I’d regret it happening forever. But it didn’t absolve him either.
I huffed and looked away from him. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t be here any longer.
I dropped the sheet. It was pointless anyway; Ash had seen me completely naked more times than I could count. Then I went in search of the rest of my clothes.
“What are you doing?” he asked, grabbing his boxers and tugging them on.
“Leaving,” I said as I pulled my clothes on.
“Don’t storm out of here. I can drive you back to your hotel.”
“I’d rather walk.”
“Lila—”
“Don’t,” I snarled at him as he came closer. “Just … don’t.”
Ash must have heard the desperation in my voice because he stopped moving. He watched me gather my things and leave. All the while, I avoided his gaze, so I wouldn’t have to see what he was thinking. I couldn’t stomach it right now.
The walk back to my hotel was farther than I remembered. But the fresh air, even for a walk of shame, helped to clear my head. I still felt like shit. I wasn’t sure if it was from all the alcohol yesterday or the breakup or what I’d woken up to. Either way, it was terrible. Every last part of it, and not even the sea breeze could put it all back together.
Channing and Kandice were still sleeping when I crept back into the hotel room. Denise was nowhere to be found. I breathed a small sigh of relief. At least I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone.
I went straight into the bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as the water would go. The tiny bathroom steamed up within minutes. Then I peeled off the remnants of my dirty little secret and stepped inside. The blistering heat hit me full-on, but I didn’t back away from it. I pushed myself under the water and let it pour over my face and hair and down my body.
I grabbed the bar of soap and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. Every inch of my body was lathered and washed three times until I couldn’t wash anymore. There was nothing left to remove, no traces of what I’d done.
My knees hit the bathtub as the first sob racked my body.
I had to live with what had happened. And right now, I couldn’t live with it. I couldn’t live with myself. Tears ran down my cheeks, hitting the bathtub and melding the salt with the shower water. My chest heaved as sobs that I’d somehow managed to hold in yesterday finally came hard and fast.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My eyes burned. Everything felt so small and distant and yet so close and oppressive. As if time itself were stopping to inspect the moment.
Cole had broken up with me.
I wrapped my arms around my chest and bent over, touching my forehead to the bottom of the shower. He’d broken up with me. We’d been together two and a half years, and the whole thing had gone up in flames over some Facebook pictures and a drunken weekend with my friends. I couldn’t fathom it.
He’d been mad, sure. But I hadn’t thought that he’d be that mad.
But I should have seen it. I should have seen his anger for what it was. He was so chill, but he had a slow burn temper that exploded when it was activated. And he hated Ash. It was his trigger. It was why he’d gotten so mad that night after the Bama game. I could see it, but I hadn’t been expecting it. I hadn’t seen it burn this hot in so long.
I’d only been three weeks away from seeing him. I was going to skip out on Thanksgiving with my family to fly to San Francisco for a week. And now, that was canceled. Everything was canceled. Like the end of a TV show in the middle of a season.
And then I’d gone and proven him right.
Did the exact thing that he’d worried would happen.
Cole had been right. Ash was our Achilles’ heel. He was the boy I had never completely left behind despite all the horrors of our past. And I didn’t know how to let him go or turn him away. I didn’t know how to say no to him any more than he did to me.
Even though I wanted Cole, I knew now that it couldn’t happen. That it wouldn’t happen. Not after last night.
When the water ran cold, I shut the thing off and stumbled wearily out of the shower. I dried off and wrapped my long blonde hair into a second towel. I’d stopped crying somewhere during my inner tirade, but now, I felt wrung out. I couldn’t imagine going to the game today and pretending like everything was okay. I couldn’t imagine doing anything.
Somehow, my roommates were still asleep, even after my long-ass shower. I put on fresh clothes and left them a note that I’d gone to the beach.
I set my toes into the sand, looking on in dismay at the state of the beach from all the trash left behind from the parties, when my phone rang. Besides a few texts from Marley and Josie about the pictures online last night, I hadn’t heard from anyone, and I wasn’t in the mood to respond.
But when I checked the screen, Cole’s name appeared.
I took a deep breath and slowly released it before putting the phone to my ear. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he said, his voice as thick and raw as mine.
Silence stretched between us like it never had before. The weight of his betrayal … and mine heavy like molasses.
“Cole—”
“No, let me go first,” he said quickly.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“I don’t know what happened last night.” I could practically see him running a hand through his hair, trying to get himself together. “I said all the wrong things. I saw you with Ash and freaked out. I lost my mind. And I’m so sorry.”
“Cole, stop.”
“Lila, please, I shouldn’t have lost my cool like that. It’s not fair to you when you weren’t doing anything wrong. I might hate Ash, but I should have trusted that nothing would happen.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. But something had happened. It had happened. But I couldn’t say the words.
“I know that I can’t say that I’m sorry enough. I don’t know how else to apologize for how I acted.”
“Stop,” I repeated. “Just stop.”
“I can’t. You know I love you. I love you so much, and I just … I miss you.”
“You were right,” I blurted out.
“What?”
“You were right,” I repeated. “This long distance isn’t working.”
Cole sucked in a sharp breath.
“It’s not. You wouldn’t have said it last night if you didn’t think so. You’re in San Francisco, working your ass off to get ahead. I’m still … here.” My voice cracked on the last word. “I’m still here.”
“Wait, Lila, please.”
“You know it’s true,” I insisted. “It’s tearing us apart.”
He huffed. “It’s hard,” he admitted softly. “It’s really fucking hard. I miss you every fucking day.”
“Me too,” I said, tears coming to my eyes again. I couldn’t even believe I still had some left. “So much. But when does it end?”
“I don’t know.”
“Me neither. I graduate in May. There’s PT school, and I’m working on getting certified in athletic training.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how it would work. I’ll still be here, and you’ll still be there. When are we ever going to be in the same place again?”
“I don’t know.”
Neither of us did. He’d gone off to follow his dreams, and I was planning to follow mine as well. Our dreams just didn’t cross.
&
nbsp; “So, you were right.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I hate this.”
“I know.”
“This doesn’t work … not right now.”
“But someday?” I offered.
“Someday, Lila.”
I clutched the phone to my chest as I said good-bye to my college love. Free of both Ash and Cole for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was headed. Right now, I wasn’t ready to find out. But one day … someday.
18
Athens
May 10, 2011
Everyone I knew and loved was in Athens for my graduation … except the two people I was missing the most.
Cole and Ash.
It felt ridiculous to miss them, but I couldn’t seem to help it
My friends had said that it would pass. That I’d stop thinking about them when I met some hot stranger who flipped my world. But seven months later, I hadn’t met anyone who made me want to flip anything.
Maybe it would all change next week when I moved to Atlanta with Josie.
“I’m not nervous,” Josie insisted.
Marley shot her an incredulous look. “You’re bouncing around like a fucking bunny.”
“Whatever.” Josie stopped moving and gnawed on her nails.
I slapped her hand as we waited in line at the arch for pictures. “Stop it. It’s all going to work out.”
She dropped her hand and wrinkled her nose at me. “We have no way of knowing that. The likelihood that the pilot will be picked up is zilch. And I was just a fluke anyway.”
Marley and I looked at each other. A look that said everything. This was completely normal neurotic behavior from our best friend. And she had every reason to be freaking out right now.
While I’d been making poor life choices on Halloween weekend, Josie had been premiering her first independent film at the film festival. The film didn’t go over well, but afterward, she bummed a cigarette off of some strangers in an alley, who happened to be a director and producer. Everything happened for her in that moment. They offered her an audition for a new CW-esque drama they were working on. They needed a lead for a pilot to pitch to the studio. She thought it was a joke.