by K. A. Linde
My throat closed at the words. I turned away from him, so he wouldn’t see the tears prick at my eyes. It had simultaneously been the hardest and easiest decision of my life. I’d second-guessed myself about it until I was blue in the face. But it helped, knowing he thought I’d made the right choice too.
“Well, you have to stay for the party now that you’re here.”
I cringed.
“I’d love to,” Cole said.
“Dee, put him to work. You still have balloons to blow up.”
Then my mom disappeared to give us privacy, heading into the kitchen, where she could safely eavesdrop on us.
I plopped back down onto the couch. “Are you really staying?”
“Your mom invited me. I feel like it’d be rude to decline.”
“Cole,” I muttered.
“You don’t look happy to see me.”
That wasn’t accurate. I was in fact very happy to see him. It had been over a year since I’d last seen him at the Falcons game. We’d gradually stopped talking after I decided to stay in Savannah. It wasn’t purposeful. It was just hard when he was still in San Francisco.
“I am,” I said. “I really am, but …”
“But?”
“Well, I’m seeing someone.”
“Ah.”
“Ash,” I whispered.
“Fuck … seriously?” Cole asked, his temper flaring.
“Don’t.”
“Lila …”
“Cole,” I snapped. “You don’t get to show up here, unannounced, and then judge my choices.”
He clenched his jaw. “Fine. But for the record, I think it’s a bad choice.”
“I figured you might.” I blew up three balloons before responding again. “Are you staying for the party?”
“I’m not driving four hours back tonight. Might as well stay.”
I sighed. “Cole, you should probably go.”
“Why? Is he going to be that upset?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Excuse me? Do you remember how you reacted when you knew that I was with him?”
“That was different.”
“No, it wasn’t!”
“Dee,” my mom called from the kitchen, “if you are threatening our guest, I’m going to be unhappy.”
I gritted my teeth and pulled out my phone. “I need to warn him. If he walks in and sees you sitting here …” I trailed off. I didn’t know what he’d do. But I knew that it would be messy.
Cole sighed. Then he put his hand on my phone. “I’ll go.”
My eyes shot up to his. The space between us had shrunk, and his hand was still on mine. I felt warm all over at his touch. This was Cole. My Cole. And God, I’d missed him. I wanted to demand he stay. Demand to know why he’d always insisted on being so far out of reach. But I couldn’t do any of those things.
I could only stare into his earnest blue eyes and see the boy I’d loved so fiercely for so long. The boy I’d wanted forever with before we wrecked it.
“Why did you really come?”
“I wanted to see you,” he said simply.
“You could have called or texted.”
“I know. Would you have seen me if I had?”
Yes.
He must have seen the thought flash through my mind because he smiled softly.
“No,” I lied.
“Then I guess it’s good I didn’t. Since you’re … otherwise occupied.”
“I guess it was,” I whispered.
I loved Ash. I didn’t want to hurt him. But what I felt for Cole was just as real. I didn’t know when it had happened, but I couldn’t deny it. Couldn’t ignore it.
I loved two men.
But I could only have one.
I’d made my choice.
Right?
I pulled back, breaking contact with Cole. “I’ll walk you out.”
He nodded and followed me to the front door. There was nothing left to say. Nothing that he hadn’t seen in my eyes. We were living in two different worlds. I’d thought it would work if we were ever back in the same place, but it didn’t seem likely that would ever happen. He was in San Francisco. I was here. Our paths had crossed and then diverged. There was nothing I could do about that.
I took two steps outside when I saw Ash’s Mercedes pull up to the curb. I froze, a rabbit caught in a snare. I was too late.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I said under my breath.
“That’s him?” Cole asked behind me.
“Yep.”
“This should be fun.”
Fun wasn’t the word I would have gone with.
Ash threw open his door and stepped out. His eyes were narrowed and his body tense. I bounded down the rest of the walkway to his car.
“Hey, baby,” I said, forcing false enthusiasm.
“What’s he doing here?” His voice was tight and laced with anger, hot enough to burn.
“He was just leaving.”
“Lila,” he growled.
Cole strode down the walkway with his hands in his pockets and a smug-ass look on his face. He stopped before the car, eyeing it appreciatively. “Nice car.”
“Thanks,” Ash said reflexively.
“Cole was just leaving,” I repeated.
“I am,” Cole said.
Cole and Ash stared at each other from either side of his Mercedes. The body of the car forcing distance between them. My heart pumped furiously at the showdown, the goddamn posturing. I’d thought I would have enough time to get him away before Ash made it here.
“Well, have a safe drive,” Ash said. Which sounded more like, Good riddance. Then he broke eye contact, dismissing Cole completely. “I got everything that you wanted at the store. Do you need help with anything else?”
“Um, decorations,” I said. “I have some balloons to blow up and hang.”
“I’ll carry this in for you, and we can get started,” he said, going for the backseat.
“I’ll, uh, meet you there.”
Ash froze. “Lila …”
“I will be right behind you.”
His eyes darted to Cole, who still hadn’t moved, just stood there and waited for me. Then Ash snaked an arm around my waist and kissed me. It was brief but said everything he needed to say. Mine.
“Don’t be long,” he said.
I nodded, dazed by the force of the kiss. “It’ll just be a minute.”
Ash took the decorations inside. I was sure that he was counting down the minutes before he could burst back out here. The hate was a mutual thing. Living, breathing death in their presence.
“I thought he might hit me,” Cole said.
“You sound disappointed.”
Cole shrugged and gestured down the street, where I saw his Jeep was parked.
“If he’d hit me, then I could have caved in his face.”
“Cole!”
He laughed, and it was so achingly familiar that it hurt me.
“I wouldn’t have hit first.”
“Yeah, well, you’re both acting like jealous, possessive assholes.”
“With good reason.” Cole stopped in front of his Jeep. “We’re both clearly in love with you.”
I bit my lip and dropped my gaze. “Cole, don’t.”
“Why are you dating him, Lila?”
“Please don’t do this.”
“You don’t love him,” he roared, unable to hold on to his calm. “You don’t love him because I know what you’re like when you’re in love. You’re a hundred and ten percent. You’re a sunflower in bloom. You aren’t scared of a damn thing. And you wouldn’t have hesitated to kick me out of your house.”
“I didn’t hesitate!”
“Yes, you did,” he growled.
“This isn’t fair. What did you expect to happen when you showed up?”
“I don’t know,” he said, running a hand back through his hair. “Not … this.”
“You’re in San Francisco. I’m here.”
“What if I moved here?”
“What would you do here?”
“I don’t know,” he grumbled. “I don’t know, Lila. I just know that it’s always been you. Always. And I can’t stand here and watch you be with him when I know you should be with me.”
“Is this about us, or is this about Ash?”
“Us,” he said automatically. “But … him too.”
“You should go,” I said, taking a step backward.
“Tell me the truth, Lila. Tell me you choose him. Tell me this is what you want.” Cole’s gaze was level with mine. “Tell me, and I’ll walk away.”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth like it had peanut butter on it. I’d said I’d made my choice. And I had. I was here in Savannah. I was with Ash. But was that a choice or just circumstances?
“I’m happy,” I whispered.
“Are you?” he pressed.
I nodded because I couldn’t get the words out. I was happy. But I was split in two. Half of my heart was here in Savannah, and half of my heart would always belong with Cole.
He stepped forward, clearing the distance in one long stride. “I want you to be happy, Lila.”
And before I could do a damn thing, his lips were on mine with all the force of a hurricane. I clutched on to him as he ravaged my mouth. As if I were hanging on for dear life in a gale with rain lashing down all around me. Like if I held on long enough, I’d weather the storm and come out on the other side.
There was no weathering the love of two men. There was only standing in the heart of the storm and praying for more rain.
When he released me, it felt like coming out from under water. And I stood in the road as he got into his car and drove away. I stood until I couldn’t see his taillights. Then I stayed a little bit longer.
Ash was waiting.
My lips were still on fire.
And my heart was in two pieces. One for each of them.
28
New Orleans
October 10, 2014
“Come on, Lila,” Trish said, a fellow student in my physical therapy program. “I know you don’t go out with us on the weekend at home, but we’re in New Orleans!”
“I have an eight a.m. panel,” I reminded her.
“So do I! Come down to the hotel bar with me. We can do Bourbon tomorrow.”
“Blah. I don’t know. I need to go over my presentation again.”
It was my first physical therapy conference, and I was set to present my research at a panel in the morning. I was both overly confident and nervous as hell. I knew that drinking wouldn’t help anything. I should look over my slides and call it a night.
“One drink,” Trish begged. “Your boyfriend can’t be mad about one drink.”
I laughed. “Ash doesn’t care if I drink.”
“Really?” She flopped down on the bed next to me. “I thought he was, like, super possessive, and that’s why you never go out with us.”
“I’ve gone out with you,” I said. At least once or twice. “I’m just busy. Between school and working as a tech and athletic training, I’m wiped.”
“Well, you don’t have those excuses today. Text your boy-toy that we’re going out and not to wait up.”
I shook my head at Trish’s enthusiasm. I hadn’t realized how much of a hermit I’d become in school. I was constantly juggling too much at once and retreated into myself. I needed to be better about that.
“Fine, I’ll go. One drink at the bar.”
“Bourbon tomorrow?”
“If you’re lucky.”
Trish cackled and headed to her room as I rummaged through my suitcase for something to wear. I settled on black skinny jeans and a black square-cut top that I’d planned to wear on Bourbon because it made my boobs look amazing. I paired the outfit with red high heels, touched up my hair and makeup, and then went next door to find Trish.
“Girl!” she gushed. “So fucking hot.”
“Thanks. You look great too.”
She looked like she was single and ready to mingle in the tiniest little black dress I’d ever seen. But somehow, it worked on her.
We went downstairs with three other girls from our school and settled into a booth in the back of the bar. I’d texted Ash when I was heading out the door, and I got his response as we were ordering drinks.
Have a good time. Call when you’re back in your room?
Will do. It’s only going to be one drink.
“Vodka tonic,” I said, stashing my phone.
“No! We’re in New Orleans. We need something fun,” Trish insisted.
“You order for us then,” Mazie said.
“Don’t mind if I do.”
An enormous red drink was planted in front of me. My eyes widened. “What the hell is this?”
“Hurricane,” Trish said. “I got them for everyone.”
“When I said one drink, I didn’t exactly mean this.”
Trish shrugged. “Should have been more specific then.”
She held her drink aloft, and we all cheers’d to the weekend. I decided to kick it back. It wasn’t like my presentation was going to make or break my career. It was important, but I was here in New Orleans. It was the first time I’d been here since I’d road-tripped with Channing for the Georgia–LSU game sophomore year. We’d gotten shit-faced all weekend, and I’d snuck into Cole’s football hotel to have sex with him after we won the game. Different time.
When I finished my drink, I was super buzzed. “What the hell is in this?”
“Rum.”
I blinked at Trish. “How much?”
She shrugged. “A lot.”
“Fuck. I need to get a water to survive.”
She patted my back. Mazie let me scoot out of the booth. On wobbly legs, I traipsed across the room to the U-shaped bar, regretting my heel choice and the choice of alcohol. The Hurricane hadn’t even tasted like it had alcohol in it. I’d sipped it down like it was Kool-Aid. What a dangerous beverage.
I leaned against the bar and requested a water from the cute bartender. He slid it across to me. I took a careful sip, trying to clear my head, and stared hard at the guy seated across the bar from me. I blinked. No way. It looked like Cole’s college roommate Tony.
Well, I had to see for myself. I walked around the bar and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Lila? Holy shit!” Tony said. “What the fuck are you doing here, babe?”
We hugged tight. It had been four years since I’d seen him. I’d thought he was in Atlanta.
“What are you doing in New Orleans?” he asked.
“I’m at the PT conference at this hotel. I thought you were in Atlanta.”
“I was, but I moved here with my fiancée last year.”
“Oh my God, congratulations!”
“Thanks,” he said with a megawatt smile. “It’s pretty amazing. She works for a distillery here, and I’m in computer tech now.”
“That sounds awesome. So very you. It’s crazy to see you here. What are you doing at the hotel?”
He opened his mouth to answer and then laughed, tipping his head behind him. I whipped around, and there was my answer.
“Cole,” I whispered.
He stood a few feet away, staring at me as if he’d seen a ghost.
Tony broke the tension. He pushed out of his seat and hugged Cole. “Good to see you, man.”
“Yeah, it’s great to see you.”
“Can you fucking believe that I just ran into Lila?”
Cole met my gaze. “I honestly can’t.”
“Well, say hi and then sit down, asshole. I’m buying. Do you still drink cheap swill?”
“Get me the expensive stuff,” he said with a shake of his head.
“Lila?”
“I’m good,” I said, holding up my water.
“Shut the fuck up. I haven’t seen you in four years. I’m buying you a drink.”
I held a hand up in surrender. “I was drinking a Hurricane.”
Then Tony sat at the bar to order, turning his back
on the pair of us. I took a sip of my water just to have something to do with my hands. It had been over a year since I’d seen Cole. Since he’d kissed me with everything that he had outside of my mom’s house. I didn’t know how to be with him right now. How I should even feel?
Besides exactly the same.
“Hi,” I said. “Surprised to find you here. Visiting Tony?”
“No, I’m staying at the hotel. My business partner and I are pitching my new marketing company to the Saints.”
My eyes widened. “Wow, Cole! That’s incredible! What an opportunity.”
“Yeah. It’s sort of taken off in the last six months or so. I’ve been hopping all over the country. Saints are our last pitch.”
“New Orleans would be a big move.”
He nodded. “It wouldn’t be that bad though. My girlfriend’s from here.”
My stomach hit the floor. My throat felt like a boa constrictor had tightened around it. Everything was suddenly hazy and shaky. Maybe I’d had more to drink than I’d thought.
“Your girlfriend?” I stuttered out.
“Yeah. Harper.”
I nodded, and then I realized I hadn’t stopped nodding and glanced away. “That’s … great, Cole.”
“And you?”
“What about me?”
“Why are you in New Orleans?”
“Oh. Right. I’m also at this hotel for a PT conference.”
“Still with Ash?” he asked, his voice low.
I swallowed and nodded.
“I see.”
“Here we are!” Tony said. He passed us each a drink. “Lila, you’re going to have to stay and reminisce on the good ole days with us.”
“Oh, I can’t. My girlfriends are over there.” I pointed across the room. “I should probably get back, but it was great to see you.”
“Come on! It’s been years.”
I glanced at Cole, waiting for his objection.
“One drink won’t hurt you,” he said.
A shadow passed across his vision, and then tension lifted off of his shoulders. I didn’t know how to interpret that.
“Okay. One drink.”
I seemed to be saying that a lot lately. I jogged over to Trish and said that I’d run into friends and to not wait for me. Then I went back and took a seat next to Tony, keeping him between me and Cole.