by K. A. Linde
“You try walking around on four-inch spikes for hours.”
“Nah, I’d never survive.”
“Men are the weaker sex.”
Cole chuckled, stopping when I did before my door.
“This is me.”
He leaned against the doorframe and stared down at me, as reluctant to leave as I was.
“What are we doing?” I asked.
“Standing outside of your hotel room.”
I pushed his shoulder. “So literal.”
He caught my wrist and dragged me a pace closer. “What do you want me to say, Lila? You know what we’re doing.”
“Being reckless,” I offered.
“I’d rather live one reckless night with you than a lifetime of caution.”
My chest ached at the words. I shouldn’t feel the same, but I did.
“Cole …”
“I don’t know how to let you go. I’m with someone else, and I still can’t do it.” He brought my hand up to his shoulder. His arms circling my waist, he dropped his forehead down to mine. “It’s too hard, being away from you.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I never wanted this. You were the one who left.”
“I’m here now.”
I shook my head. “It’s not the same. Tomorrow, you’ll go back to San Francisco again. Just like every other time.”
“What if I didn’t?”
I lurched back. “Don’t. It’s not fair.”
His own anger bubbled up. “Fair? When has this ever been fair? How I feel about you isn’t fair, Lila.”
I balled my hands into fists. I didn’t want to be wrecked by this boy again. “What does that even mean?” I demanded. “How do you feel?”
He took my hand, gently uncoiling my fist, and placed it over his heart. “Like you’ve owned this every day since I met you.”
“Please,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if I was asking for more or begging him to stop.
“If you don’t feel the same, then tell me to go. Tell me it’s over. Put me out of my misery. But if you do feel the same …” He let the words hang between us.
I could have walked then. Let him think that I didn’t feel exactly how he felt, but it was hard to conflate a lie with the right thing.
“Lila?”
“I do.”
He stepped forward, a question in his eyes, waiting for the moment where I told him no, where I stopped him, but we were beyond that now. We’d been beyond that for a while. We shouldn’t have gone for beignets or walked around the city or taken the elevator ride. No to it all. But I hadn’t. I couldn’t.
His hands pushed up into my hair, tilting my face up to look at him. Those big blue eyes and perfect lips and the five o’clock shadow. This was my Cole. The one I’d loved since college, since the day he’d been nervous to ask me out and then kissed me in front of the entire university. I hung, suspended in his grasp, the decision for where we went after this squarely in his hands.
Nothing could stop this train as it barreled down the tracks. We were a runaway, just waiting for the crash.
And then we crashed.
His lips on mine. His tongue pushed into my mouth. Our bodies pressed tight.
I fumbled with the key card against the door and toed it open. Cole followed me inside, filling the space as if he belonged here. As if he always had.
We stumbled backward, slamming the door in our wake. And we were now alone in my darkened hotel room. I had never been more glad that I’d decided not to share with Trish. That I’d wanted the privacy to work on my presentation.
We landed on the bed in a tangle of limbs. I had no idea where I stopped and Cole started. We were just one. Finally complete.
My skirt rode up to my hips as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I wanted to feel him pressed against me, feel every inch of his solid body.
I knew it was wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this. Not when we had other people back at home. But it didn’t feel wrong. It was the rightest thing I’d done in a long time, and I didn’t know what that said about me.
The only thing that was clear was that I wasn’t over Cole Davis. Not even close. And I didn’t know if I ever would be.
“Lila,” he gasped, running his hands up my bare legs. “Fuck, I want this, but …”
He didn’t have to finish. I met his gaze. This was a tipping point. And we hadn’t crossed it. Not yet. Not entirely. But we were about to unless I told him no. Unless I told him to stop.
I didn’t.
“You want this,” he said as a statement, not a question.
“Yes.”
His mouth was on mine again, desperate for heat and friction. The culmination of trying to deny for hours, days, years that we would reach this moment.
I ripped at his belt, freeing him from the constraints of his jeans, and he slipped me out of my thong. His lips came to mine. His body flush against mine.
“Lila,” he groaned as he slid inside of me.
“Yes,” I moaned. “Yes, Cole.”
“God, I love to hear you say my name. So fucking sexy.”
“Oh God.”
He wasn’t slow or controlled. As if he was as frantic for me as I was for him. Our bodies remembered this song and dance. It had been a few years, but it was as if no time had passed at all. We were more than in sync; we were one.
I dragged control from him, and he let me flip him onto his back, so I was riding him. I drew my dress over my head and flung it on the ground. My breasts bounced as I moved up and down on his cock. His fingers dug into my hips, slamming me down on him hard. I was going to have bruises on my thighs. Completely unexplainable bruises.
“Close,” he bit out.
“Yes.”
I was so close. Any second, I was going to explode.
He stared up at me with sex eyes filled with love, and it pushed me right over. I came shouting into the night, heedless of the neighbors. Let them complain.
Cole released with me, coming hard and fast until he was spent and sated under me. I collapsed forward against his chest. My breath coming out in uneven pants as he put his arms around me.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too.”
And even though I knew I’d made a big mistake, I couldn’t bring myself to think about it. Nothing with Cole felt like a mistake. Maybe I’d feel differently in the morning, but right now, I was exactly where I needed to be.
30
New Orleans
October 12, 2014
“Oh!” I gasped as I slowly dragged myself back to consciousness.
I jerked up the covers to find Cole spreading my legs wider and brushing his tongue along my clit. I fell backward into the pillow as he slipped a finger inside of me.
“Oh God,” I groaned.
My hips bucked against his face, but he held me down easily with an arm across my hips. I squirmed and squirmed, but there was nowhere to go; I could only let the pressure build.
I came, gasping as pleasure rippled through my body. I was barely awake, and he’d just pushed me over the edge in a matter of minutes.
He grinned devilishly as he slid up my body. “Good morning.”
I blinked sleepily. “Morning.”
“Going to come for me a second time, Sunflower?” he asked.
“I …”
And then there were no words as he settled head at my wet entrance. There was just holding on to him for dear life as he plunged forward, taking me with abandon until I fucking did come a second time.
“What a morning wake-up,” I said when we were finished.
We both were sprawled, naked on the sheets. His arm was under my neck. I was tilted into him, as if I couldn’t escape the pull of his gravity.
“You’re welcome,” he teased.
“Can we stay here forever? I don’t want to catch my flight.”
He kissed my forehead and then trailed his fingers through my hair. “I wish we could, but we have to leave.”
“No, I d
on’t want to go back to reality.”
“I know. What are you going to do when you get home?”
I curved in even tighter against him. “Don’t make me think about it.”
“I’m going to break up with Harper,” he said so calmly.
“You are?” I peeked up at him.
“She’s not you.”
I flushed at the words. I’d wanted to hear them. Selfishly. But did it change anything for us? He was still across the country from me, and I was still in school for the rest of the year.
“Lila?”
“Hmm?”
“You are going to tell him, right?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to think about this. I had no idea what it would be like when I got back to Savannah. Would I confess to Ash? Would he hate me forever for it? Could I survive his hate?
“Lila,” Cole said more urgently. He forced me to look at him. “You’re going to tell him.”
“I …”
Cole retreated like I’d hit him in my hesitancy. “Fuck,” he hissed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He shook his head.
“I am. I’m going to tell him,” I said quickly, watching him slip away from me.
“You’re not.”
My throat closed. “I am. It’s just … different than with Harper.”
“It’s not fucking different,” he insisted. “Except that you’ve known him longer and his sole mission in life is to ruin us.”
“Technically, you’re ruining him right now.”
“Fuck. Him.”
I flinched at the words. It was wrong to want them both. So wrong. And I couldn’t fucking change a thing. I couldn’t disentangle them. The last thing I wanted to do was go home and tell Ash what had happened. I couldn’t stomach his reaction. I vibrated with fear and uncertainty. I didn’t regret this, but I was afraid of what would come. How I would hurt Ash.
“I don’t know why I thought this would be different,” he said. Not mad, just resigned. He flipped off the bed and threw his clothes back on.
“Cole, wait … please. It is different.”
“Are we going to be together?”
“You’re in San Francisco!” I said, raising my voice. “I still have a year of school.”
“So, we’re back to waiting to be in the same place again?”
“You’re the one who left!”
“And now, things are different.”
“How? You taught me that long distance was impossible.”
“When we were twenty-two!” he roared. “I don’t know how we could spend all night together, wake up like that,” he said, gesturing to the bed, “and still think that nothing is different.”
“I do. I do think things are different. They’re more complicated. Before, we had distance between us, and now, we have relationships and years,” I said, trying to keep the tears from coming. “I want us, Cole. I want this. But tell me how it works right now because I don’t see it.”
“If you don’t see it, then it doesn’t work.”
He pulled away from me and stormed toward the door.
“Wait,” I said, the tears coming anyway. No matter how I’d tried to stop them. I rushed toward him, catching him at the door. “I don’t want you to leave like this.”
“I don’t want to leave at all, Sunflower.” He brushed the tears off of my cheeks. “You’re even beautiful when you cry.”
“Please,” I whispered.
“Maybe someday, right?” He brushed his lips against mine. “But that decision is yours. I can’t wait for you my entire life. I can’t sit around and hope that you’ll tell him that you choose me. And I won’t be second.”
“You’re not second.”
He met my gaze. Must have seen the sincerity. “Then, I won’t share first place. There are no ties here.”
“I know.”
“I love you, but love isn’t enough.” Then Cole yanked open the door and walked out.
And I let him walk away this time because what else could I do?
It was a tie. And no one could suffer a tie.
The flight home was long and exhausting. I picked up my car at the airport and drove home in a daze. Maddox wasn’t home when I got back. I hadn’t told Ash that I was home yet. Though he had my flight schedule, so he must have known. I wasn’t ready to talk.
I showered instead. A long, steamy shower to wash off the events of last night. Even though I’d already showered at the hotel after Cole left. It didn’t matter. I could still feel him all over me.
When I got out of the shower, I had a dozen missed calls from Ash and frantic messages about whether or not I was dead.
I closed my eyes in pain and then sent him a text back, letting him know I had made it and was on the way to his house. I would rather have an escape plan if I needed it. Having him here would only mean that there was nowhere to go if this went south. Ash was too stubborn to ever leave before we fully had it out. And I didn’t particularly want to run to my mom. How the hell would I even explain this to her?
I threw on jeans and a T-shirt and then headed over to Ash’s. I pulled up in front of the two-story white Colonial. The house he wanted me to live with him in, to have a life together. I’d never been certain. I’d been handy with excuses. Just not the real ones. Today would change that.
Sunny rushed my legs as soon as I opened the door. She attacked me with her unconditional love. I gave her all the pets and hugs and kisses, putting off the inevitable. Then, I went to find Ash.
He was in his office when I arrived. He was still in a suit from church with his parents. We’d started going to make them hate me less. Though Ash had denied that was the reason.
Sunny sank into a bed in his office and promptly passed out. Lucky dog.
“Hey, baby.” He jumped up from his chair and pressed his mouth against mine. “I missed you. How was the conference?”
“It was fine. Trish got me drunk, so I was hungover most of the time.”
He laughed. “Well, at least you had fun, I assume? You were out late.”
“I … yes, I had fun.”
And I could have left it at that.
His eyes were wide with excitement. He really had missed me. I could feel it in his enthusiasm at seeing me. This was the longest we’d been apart in two years. He’d wanted to come to the conference, but work had kept him in Savannah. Oh, how different things would have been if he’d been able to get off work.
“Have you eaten? We could order in, or I could make something,” he offered, heading toward the kitchen.
But I stopped him with a hand at his elbow. “Wait.”
He really looked at me. Not clouded with his own excitement. The real me. And all the anxiety and fear coating my body.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. He looked wary.
“When I was there, I ran into Cole.”
Ash went as still as a marble statue. Only his eyes narrowed. “How did that happen?”
I swallowed. Here we go. “He started a marketing company and has been going to football teams to pitch his services. He was in NOLA, talking to the Saints.”
“And you ran into him?”
“His college roommate lives there now, and they were meeting for drinks. They just happened to be at my hotel.”
“What a coincidence that he’d picked your hotel.”
“He was staying there.”
“He was staying at your hotel?”
I nodded.
He clenched his hands and then released them. “So, you had drinks with him?”
I nodded again.
Ash searched my face, waiting for me to say more but I had no idea where to even begin. There was so much I needed to say. I needed to decide what the hell to do, and I hadn’t figured it out on the flight or in the shower or on the drive over here. And now, I was tongue-tied in front of my boyfriend, who loved me very much.
“It’s fine,” he said finally.
“What?” I blurted out.
He put his hand on my s
houlder. “I can tell you’re freaking out because you saw him, but it’s fine, Lila. You can’t control if you randomly run into him in a bar in New Orleans. All that matters is that, at the end of the day, you came home to me.”
“I thought you’d be mad.”
“I’m not happy. I don’t want you around him, but I’m not him,” he insisted. “I remember how he freaked out just when we saw each other. As if my presence alone meant that he couldn’t trust you. I don’t want you to feel that way with me. What we have isn’t flimsy. It’s not breakable. It’s not going to crumble because you saw your ex.”
His words were meant to be reassuring. Make me hate myself less for running into Cole. And maybe it would have worked if Cole and I had never gone out on Bourbon, never agreed to Café du Monde, never walked around the city and ended up in my bed. It might have made me feel better then, but it didn’t now.
I took a step backward. I needed the distance to think and breathe. But he didn’t like that. He didn’t like that he’d shown how oh-so generous he was and my response was to back away from him.
And he knew me too well not to know what that meant.
“Unless there’s more?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t say the words.
“What did you do?” His voice was low and menacing.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
I couldn’t keep the tears back this time. I saw his pained face, lined with anger, and knew that this was going to shatter everything.
“I didn’t mean to do it.”
“You didn’t mean to do it?” he said in disdain. “Did you fuck him?”
I strode away, pressing my hands to my eyes. “It wasn’t like that.”
Ash stared at me. I could feel his eyes boring into me. As he waited for me to say something that made sense to him.
“Tell me what happened.”
“I can’t,” I gasped out. “I can’t say it.”
Ash grasped my shoulders, digging his fingers into my skin. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make me stop and look at him. “I need you to tell me.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Just fucking tell me, Lila.”
“Fine. Yes, we slept together.”