by K. A. Linde
Maybe we could meet up again.
I sighed heavily and stepped away from Cole. He was right. Ash knew I liked that coffee shop. Even if he hadn’t planned to be there when I was, he’d gone there because he knew I frequented it. I should cut him out of my life. But I felt as sick about it as the time Ash had commanded me to never see Cole again.
I sent back a quick response to let him know I was going dark.
We can’t meet up. You shouldn’t send me any more messages.
He responded almost instantly.
Why not? Get in trouble?
Stop it.
I miss you, Lila. I don’t care about our past. I don’t care about any of it. I love you. You can’t say that you don’t feel the same. No matter who you’re with now.
This is why we’re not talking.
That wasn’t a denial.
Good-bye, Ash.
I deleted all the messages. My finger hovered over the Block button, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to push the button.
Never good-bye. Only until next time.
I deleted that message, too, and told myself that was good enough. Not responding anymore was enough. It was.
32
Atlanta
November 19, 2016
Marley arrived early to pick me up for her awards ceremony. Thankfully, I’d known Marley nearly my entire life. So, I’d anticipated her telling me to be ready by six when, in actuality, she’d show up at five forty-five.
“I’ll get it,” Cole said.
He disappeared to answer the front door as I put on my favorite pair of black high heels. I stuffed my phone in a tiny purse, double-checked my cherry-red lipstick, and then went to meet my best friend.
“No, don’t do that,” Marley said to Cole. “I don’t need any congratulations. The whole thing is embarrassing.”
“It’s embarrassing to win an award for your achievements?” Cole asked.
“Yes!”
“Don’t try to talk sense into her,” I told Cole. “That’s why I’m going to be there. So she actually gets onstage to accept the damn thing.”
“It’s a lot of pomp for something that isn’t that important.”
I rolled my eyes. “Agree to disagree, Mars. You’re a genius, and you should allow people to lavish you with praise.”
Marley crossed her arms over her black party dress. “Maybe we don’t have to go.”
Cole went for the door. “No way. You’re going, and you’re going to tell me all about it when you get back.”
Marley sighed heavily. “Fine. Come on, Lila. Let’s get this thing over with.”
I kissed Cole good-bye. “Have fun at Michael’s bachelor party tonight but not too much fun.”
He snagged another kiss. “I’ll miss you the whole time.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too. Have fun with Mars.”
“Will do,” I said as I followed Marley out.
We drove my car into town, and she was nervous and fidgety the entire ride to the Hyatt Regency in Midtown. There was nothing I could do or say that would get her to relax. When we arrived, I insisted on a valet over her protests so that we could just walk inside for the event. The last thing I wanted to do was park and have Marley second-guess herself again.
Marley touched my arm. “Thanks for agreeing to go with me.”
“I insisted on attending with you.”
“Well, I’m grateful.”
“Here.” I dragged her across the room for alcohol. “This will help.”
Marley nervously downed the entire glass of champagne, and I passed her another one.
“Just don’t get drunk.”
She sipped the second glass more slowly. “Yeah. I’d hate to forget my speech.”
I took a sip of my own champagne. The event was beautiful. The room was completely decked out, and all the attendees were in formalwear. It was a big deal to have a huge association presenting Marley with an award for her achievements in neurological disorders before she was thirty. Whether Marley wanted to acknowledge that or not.
We wandered around the room together. Marley loosened up from the alcohol enough to say hi to her friends and colleagues. I only half-listened to the incomprehensible conversations and was glad when Marley disappeared backstage to prepare for her award.
I took a pose as a wallflower at the back of the room just as everyone quieted for the speaker to announce Marley. She stepped onstage to a huge round of applause. She’d practiced her speech on me last weekend and had been so nervous. No one would have guessed that based on how much of a pro she was tonight.
I was so engrossed in her acceptance speech that I barely felt my phone buzzing against my hip. I pulled it out to silence the vibrations. But when I looked down at the screen, I froze.
Ash was calling.
Why was Ash calling?
We hadn’t spoken in three months. Other than the five-minute conversation at the coffee shop and the unfortunate moment at Elle’s wedding, we hadn’t talked in almost two years. Texts, yes. He sent them with semi-frequency when he was thinking about me. Calling was something else.
I chewed on my bottom lip and then declined the call. I couldn’t answer that. Answering was a bad idea. He could tell me why he was calling in a voice mail that I could delete and never think about again.
Except he didn’t leave a voice mail.
He called back immediately.
I couldn’t think of a single reason that he would call me twice in the same minute. He didn’t even like to talk on the phone. He’d always been a text kind of person. What the hell?
I cursed and then backed out of the room just as Marley finished her speech.
“Hello?”
“Lila, thank God you picked up.”
Ash sounded … frantic. I furrowed my brows.
“What’s going on? Why are you calling?”
“I got into a car accident.”
“What? Are you okay?” I gasped.
“Yeah. I was T-boned by a truck.”
“Jesus.”
“My car is totaled. Air bags deployed. They’re taking me to the hospital.”
“Oh my God, Ash, are you okay?”
“I’m beaten up,” he said, his voice wavering, “but they mostly want to check to make sure everything is okay internally.”
“Fuck.”
“I just …” He paused on the line long enough that I got worried. “You’re the first person I thought of to call. My family is in Savannah. I have friends here, but …” He coughed into the phone and then cursed at the pain. “I freaked out and called you.”
“It’s okay. Do you need me to come to the hospital?”
This was Ash. No matter what the fuck had come between us, I couldn’t leave him to suffer.
“I don’t know. They’ll probably do some tests and send me home.”
“How are you getting home?”
He paused. “I haven’t thought about that.”
“Okay. Text me the hospital information, and I’ll meet you.”
He sighed in relief. As if he’d been holding his breath, calling me, expecting me to tell him to go fuck himself. But this wasn’t him asking us to get back together or trying to ruin my relationship with Cole. This was a real crisis. I didn’t know what I’d tell Cole, but I couldn’t leave Ash stranded.
“Thanks, Lila. I’ll text you.”
We hung up, and I got his message that he was going to Emory. Adrenaline ripped through me, and I rushed back inside to find Marley.
Her eyes darted over my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Ash called. He got in a car accident, and they’re taking him to Emory.”
“What?” Marley asked, wide-eyed.
“He was T-boned. His car is totaled.” Tears came to my eyes, and my hands were shaking. “He said he thinks he’s fine, but I don’t know. I need to go to him. I can’t sit by and not know.”
“Right. Of course,” Marley said at once. “
I’ll go with you.”
“It’s your big night,” I protested.
“Ash has been in my life as long as he’s been in yours. I want to make sure he’s okay too. But also, if you go alone, Cole is going to freak out.”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “He’s going to freak out either way.”
She nodded. “Yep.”
“I hate this. I don’t want to take you away from this.”
“Honestly, take me away from this,” she said with a short laugh. “Let me tell someone I have a family emergency.” She squeezed my hand and then darted away.
I bounced uncomfortably from one foot to the other while she made her excuses. My phone was a weight in my hand. I needed to tell Cole, but what the fuck would I even say?
I took a breath and texted him.
Ash got in a car accident. Marley and I are heading to the hospital. Please don’t be mad.
“Okay. We’re good. Let’s blow this Popsicle stand,” Marley said.
“I love you.”
“I know,” she said with a wink. “I’m your one true love.”
“So accurate,” I agreed as we made our way back to the valet. “I texted Cole. I haven’t heard back yet. He’s at a bachelor party, so he might not even look at it.”
“You look green.”
“I feel like I’m going to throw up. I had a five-minute conversation with Ash, and Cole threw a huge fit. I don’t want more of that.”
Marley touched my shoulder. “It’s okay. He’s going to understand that these are extenuating circumstances. It’s not the same.”
“I know that,” I said as I slipped into the driver’s seat. “But Cole isn’t rational when it comes to Ash.”
“He has reason,” Marley said.
I swallowed back bile. “I know.”
We almost made it to Emory when Cole’s call came in. I cringed and put him on the Bluetooth in my car.
“Hey,” I said.
“Lila, what the hell are you doing?”
Marley and I cringed at the same time. He sounded a little drunk and a lot furious.
“I’m here with Marley. Marley, say hi.”
“Hi, Cole,” she muttered.
“Mars,” he said curtly. “Y’all are going to the hospital to see Ash?”
“Yeah,” she said.
“Lila,” he groaned.
“It’s not at all what you think. I’m going because when someone calls you, freaking out because they were in a car accident, you go. So, I’m going.” I paused. “You can meet us there if you want.”
“Oh, yes, good idea,” Marley said at once.
“Yes, because on the night of my friend’s bachelor party, what I really want to do is see Ash fucking Talmadge.”
I bit my lip. “I just mean, it’s so not a big deal that you could be there.”
Cole blew out an exasperated breath. “How did he even call you? I thought you’d blocked his number.”
I winced and glanced at Marley, who looked like she would rather be anywhere else in the world than in the middle of this argument.
“Uh, I didn’t block his number.”
Cole’s silence was worse than his words.
“We haven’t been talking or anything,” I said quickly.
“I just … fuck,” Cole said. “Fine, go see him in the hospital. It’s not like I can stop you. Even if it’s idiotic.”
And then he hung up the phone.
Marley grimaced. “That went … poorly.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “As bad as I’d expected.”
“Or worse.”
I nodded mutely. What else could I say? We’d been together almost a year and a half. If he couldn’t trust me when someone was hurting and there was no ulterior motive, would he ever trust me?
We parked in lot in front of the emergency room and then hustled inside, still dressed to impress in ballgowns and heels. A nurse informed us that Ash was getting tests done right now and to wait. We paced anxiously for another forty-five minutes before they allowed us back to see him.
I burst into the room and found him sitting in a hospital bed with a wrap around his middle and some bruising on his face and shoulders.
“Lila,” he said in relief. His smile lit up when he saw me. As if he’d won a prize out of one of those impossible claw machines.
“They wouldn’t let us back for almost an hour.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
Marley stepped in. “Wow, you look like shit.”
Ash laughed and then touched his ribs. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh like that.”
“Sorry,” Marley said.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. Some broken ribs, I guess. They finally gave me some pain meds. Now, I’m waiting on the last tests, prescriptions, and shit. It’s impossibly slow here.” He eyed our attire. “You didn’t have to get all dressed up for me.”
I chuckled. “Marley won an award. We were at her ceremony.”
“Shit. Sorry, Mars. I didn’t mean to take you away from that.”
Marley wrinkled her nose and sank into a chair across the room. “Trust me, you were doing me a favor.”
“Then, as ever, I’m at your service.”
“So, what happened?” Marley asked.
Ash shrugged and then winced again. “I don’t even know. I was going through a green light, and some old lady wasn’t paying attention. She drove straight through the red and hit me on the driver’s side.”
“Damn,” Marley said.
I sank into the chair next to his bed. We hadn’t talked in so long, but sitting here right now, I knew that nothing had changed. That I felt exactly the same as I always had for Ash, and that I wanted to comfort him as I always had. He was still my Ash. Even if he could never be my Ash again. I’d broken that between us. I was the one who had walked away and said we couldn’t fix what was broken. And I was the one who had to suffer the consequences of that.
Ash glanced over at me. Blue meeting blue in the small space between us. My heart skipped a beat.
“I’m glad that you’re here.”
“You know what?” Marley said, jumping up. “I’m going to go find the vending machine. I can’t get us two Cokes like Lila, but maybe I can get us some snacks since you’ll be here for a little while longer.”
“Sure. Thanks,” he said with a big smile for Marley, who promptly disappeared, leaving us alone.
Ash took my hand in his as soon as she was gone.
“Don’t scare me like that again.”
Time was supposed to dull feelings. It was supposed to let you move on. But if anything, one look at him, and everything was Technicolor.
“I’m sorry,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss against my skin. “I feel better, having you here.”
I gently extricated my hand from his grip. I didn’t even know what to say.
“You look sick.”
“I was upset,” I said. “And I told Cole.”
He clenched his jaw. “That you were coming here?”
I nodded. “He said coming here was idiotic and hung up on me.”
Ash shrugged and then winced again. “Fuck that guy.”
I laughed, self-deprecating. “Not looking forward to the argument when I get home.”
Ash’s eyes hardened. “I don’t understand him. He has everything I could ever want, and still, he fucks it up?”
“Stop,” I whispered. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Why are you here?”
“You know why.”
He arched an eyebrow, wanting me to say it, but I couldn’t.
“You needed someone, and you were there for me through the stuff with Mom.”
He was silent for a stretch. I could tell that the drugs were starting to kick in. He leaned back heavier against the pillows, his breathing evening out. “I am sorry though. As much as I’d love for you to dump Cole, I’m not trying to ruin your relationship …
like he did ours.”
I winced at the words.
Marley knocked on the door and peeked her head in. “Uh, I got some Coke and a bag of Cheetos and a Butterfinger. That’s about as good as I could do.”
“Sounds perfect,” Ash said.
With Marley back in the room, conversation resumed its normal course. We sat around, eating junk food while we waited for the doctor to show up. She eventually cleared him to leave with a request to come back in to check on those ribs. Everything else had thankfully come back okay.
We exited the hospital together. Marley and I got Ash into the backseat of my car and then drove him to his apartment.
“Thanks for the ride,” he said as he got out of the car.
“Feel better,” Marley said as I got out of the car.
“Are you going to be able to make it inside okay?”
He nodded. “Sure. I’m just a little woozy.”
“Ash …”
“I’ll be fine.”
Marley was purposefully occupied with her phone as Ash tugged me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, careful of his broken ribs.
“I want to see you again,” he whispered into my hair.
“We can’t.”
He pressed a kiss into my hair. “I love you.”
I pulled back, refusing to say the words back. “Take better care of yourself.”
Ash sighed. “I wish things were different.”
“I know.”
Then I got back into my car and watched as he ambled back into the apartment. I swallowed heavily as I backed out of the parking spot.
“So … you still love Ash?”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
“And Cole?”
I nodded.
“Fuck.”
“Tell me about it.”
The house was dark when I got home. I opened Sunny’s crate and let her out in the backyard to do her business. I changed out of my ballgown and into sweats. I texted Cole to let him know that I was home but heard nothing. I knew he’d be out late with the guys. They were probably at a strip club.