Hold the Forevers

by K. A. Linde

  Sunny came back inside, and we snuggled together on the couch, watching a Disney movie I’d seen a hundred times. I could barely focus on it as the minutes ticked by with no word from Cole.

  Just as I was dozing off, the front door opened. I jerked up at the same time as Sunny, who barreled toward Cole.

  “Hey,” I said, rubbing my eyes and coming to my feet.

  “I thought you’d be asleep.”

  “I couldn’t sleep. I texted and never heard back from you.”

  “Phone died,” he said, tossing the dead thing on the dining room table.

  “Oh.”

  “How was seeing Ash?” he bit out.

  “Uneventful. He has a few broken ribs and some bruising.” I shrugged. “Marley and I sat around most of the night.”

  “Ah,” he said, finally looking up at me. “Was it worth it?”

  “Worth what?”

  “This argument?”

  I clenched my jaw. “I don’t know why we even need to have an argument.”

  “You still cared enough to go to him,” he growled. “And you told me you’d blocked his number, and you didn’t.”

  “I’ve known him since I was seventeen. I can’t stop caring that someone is hurt. This isn’t the same as going to see him because I miss him.”

  “Do you?” he demanded.

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “I hate this, Cole. I hate that you have to ask me these questions. That you get so mad every time anything happens. That you clearly don’t even trust me.”

  I’d had such an emotional night that I couldn’t hold the tears back. Everything about today was too much.

  “Hey,” Cole said, coming to stand before me. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry. I don’t want to be the reason you cry.”

  “What are we supposed to do? How do we go on if you don’t trust me?”

  “I do,” he insisted with a sigh. “I just want him out of our lives.”

  “I know. But I don’t want to keep being punished when this happens. I can’t help it, but I do know that I come home every night to you. That I’m here, in Atlanta, with you. I moved in with you. I love you. I thought we were happy.”

  “We are happy.” He tipped my chin up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hanging up and for yelling at you. He just makes me irrationally angry.”

  “You need to figure it out because I can’t keep doing this,” I told him honestly. “By the time you apologize, the damage is already done.”

  33

  Savannah

  December 25, 2016

  After the Christmas adrenaline wore off, exhaustion set in, and I couldn’t show it to my mom. Not when I’d promised her a normal Christmas. Whatever normal was after working for twelve hours straight at the Falcons–Carolina game in Charlotte and then driving four hours to Savannah. At least Cole had been at the game and driven down with me, but we were both tired and had to drive back into Atlanta tomorrow for more work.

  Still, we pushed it aside to open gifts and do our annual family trip to the food pantry. It was important to me even if I wanted to nap. I snagged a full twenty minutes, crashed out in my old bedroom, when my mom announced we were all going to the night service.

  “It’s asking too much,” I grumbled to Cole.

  “She skipped midnight mass on Christmas Eve for us. I think it’s fair.”

  “I mean, yes, of course, when we’re being all reasonable and shit.”

  My mom had become devout in the years working for the church. I didn’t blame her for wanting to attend church on Christmas, especially if she missed mass, but that didn’t mean I wanted to go with her.

  “It’ll be fine. It’s one hour. Should we stop and get you a coffee before the service?”

  My eyes lit up. “Could we?”

  “It’s a necessity at this point.”

  “My mom doesn’t drink coffee. It’s so weird to have that much energy without additional sustenance.”

  Cole kissed the top of my head. “Hurry up and get dressed, so we can stop on the way.”

  That got me moving.

  We grabbed a coffee on the way there, much to my mom’s disapproval, and made it to the service right before it started. I hurried into a seat between my mom and Cole. Luckily, since we were almost late, we didn’t have to sit in the front, where my mom preferred, and had to make do in the back of the church.

  Service was slow and methodical, but at least the coffee was waking me up enough to make it through the whole thing.

  “I’m going to talk to the priest,” my mom said as soon as the service ended. “It won’t be more than a few minutes.”

  “Oh boy,” I muttered under my breath. “We’ll be here for another half hour.”

  Cole grinned. “My mom called while we were in the service. I’m going to give her a call back.”

  “Okay. I’ll try not to fall asleep in the pew.”

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  He headed out of the sanctuary, and my sisters and their kids followed. I sat back down on the bench, letting everyone else file past me. I was in no rush to get out of there. I pulled out my phone and scrolled absentmindedly, trying unsuccessfully to suppress my yawns.

  “Was the service that bad?” a voice asked next to me.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin. Because of course, I knew that voice. I glanced up and saw Ash Talmadge hovering before me. His parents shot him a side-eye and then continued out of the sanctuary.

  “I thought you would have been at midnight mass.”

  He shrugged. “My dad had a business meeting.”

  Ah. Same old, same old.

  “I didn’t think you’d make it. Weren’t you in Charlotte for the game?”

  “Yeah. We drove in after, so I could spend Christmas with my family.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “It is nice, except that I’m exhausted.”

  He grinned and sank into Cole’s unoccupied seat. I scooted over to put more space between us. “I can’t thank you enough for coming to see me in the hospital. I’m sure Cole hated it, but it was good to have you there.”

  I flushed at the intensity in his words and cleared my throat. “How are your injuries?”

  “Pretty much healed. There’s still some lingering ache in my ribs, but otherwise, I’m back to normal.”

  “That’s good.” I hadn’t messaged him to find out how he was doing, and it was nice to get confirmation. “I should probably …” I gestured away from him. We both came to our feet at the same time. The distance interminable. “It was good, seeing you.”

  “Is it always going to be like this?”

  I bit my lip. “I don’t know, Ash.”

  He sighed, dropping his gaze to his boots and then meeting my eyes again. “It shouldn’t have to be this way with us. We’ve known each other too long.”

  “Which is precisely why it is this way.”

  “I wish we could go back to the days when you were my Amy and I was your Laurie.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “As if the days were that easy then.”

  “The feelings were always real.”

  “The feelings weren’t the problem.” I took a step back. “I should go.”

  But before I could step away, Cole had returned, and he looked pissed.

  “What’s this?”

  Ash dropped his remorse like flipping a switch. He glared at Cole. “Just the person I didn’t want to see.”

  “Don’t. We’re in the church,” I reminded them.

  Not that either of them heard me.

  Cole took a step toward Ash. “I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work.”

  “Cole, stop it.” I put my hand in his and tugged him backward. “I’m tired. We drove all night to get here. It’s Christmas. Please.”

  Cole and Ash stared at each other for another second before Cole looked down at me.

  He nodded once. “He’s not worth my fucking time.”

  Cole let me drag him out of the church and
onto the steps of the cathedral. We still had to wait for my mom, but I wasn’t going to wait inside any longer. The tension between them was the pin on a grenade. The longer they spent in each other’s presence, the more likely it was going to be pulled.

  I smacked Cole. “Why did you have to do that?”

  “Why were you even talking to him?”

  “It was nothing. I’m not getting back together with Ash. You need to get this through your head. All you see is red when he’s around, and that’s what he wants.”

  “That’s all good and well, Lila, but he’s trying to come between us. I won’t let him do it.”

  “He’s not,” I insisted. “Can’t you hear a word I’m saying? It is my choice, and I’m standing right here.”

  But Cole didn’t hear what I’d said because Ash hadn’t stayed in the church and let us walk out, like I’d wanted. He followed behind us, and Cole was beyond rational. He was a lit fuse.

  I’d seen that anger directed at me in the past. I knew the intensity of it. That his temper was his downfall. It was why he’d gotten so mad that night of the Bama game, and the day we’d broken up on Frat Beach, and every single time since when Ash came up. It burned so slowly until he erupted, and then Cole couldn’t come back from the anger until it burned itself out.

  “Please, don’t,” I gasped, tugging on his arm. “Let it go.”

  “It ends today.”

  Ash stopped in front of us with a sneer on his face. Ash had no temper. Not like Cole. But he loved me, was obsessed with me, and he always had been. He knew what set Cole off. He would happily antagonize him into this showdown that was a long time coming.

  Fuck.

  “Stay the fuck away from her,” Cole spat.

  “Or what?” Ash demanded. “What are you going to do if I don’t stay away?”

  “Please don’t do this.” I closed my eyes and prayed for it all to stop.

  This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I’d caused this whole mess, but I didn’t want it to happen like this. I couldn’t help that I loved them both and that I always had. It would be easier if they didn’t hate each other so much.

  “What if she wants to see me?” Ash taunted.

  Cole’s anger bubbled fully to the surface. He left my side and got up in Ash’s face. “You’re completely deluded if you think that she’d ever want you again. You’re an annoyance, holding on to something that isn’t yours anymore. You’re a fly, a gnat. You’re just in the way. Always in my fucking way.”

  “If you didn’t think that I was a threat, you wouldn’t be standing here right now,” Ash said with a smirk.

  Cole clenched his fists. “You’re just jealous we’re together. That she chose me over you,” he snarled. And I saw the second before he went in for the kill. “Still mad that I fucked her in New Orleans.”

  I froze at the words. The look on Ash’s face. He’d never gotten over that. How could he? I’d thought that the last two years had fixed it, but the split second of devastation on his face told me everything I needed to know.

  Then it was carefully replaced with a forced laugh. Almost a cackle. “You can have New Orleans. Just like we had Frat Beach.”

  Cole froze at the words. Processing what Ash had said. Then it hit him, and his gaze shifted to me.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  “Oh, she didn’t tell you about that?” Ash asked.

  But my fuck was confirmation. We hadn’t hooked up when I was with Cole, but he didn’t know that. It had happened, and that was enough to pull the pin on the grenade.

  Cole launched himself forward, slamming his fist into Ash’s jaw. Ash’s head whipped to the side, and for a second, I thought it would end there. He was still recovering from broken ribs after all. But no …

  Ash had been waiting for this fight his entire life. He wasn’t as big as Cole, but he came at him with years of fury. And no amount of yelling on my part could tear the two apart. I had to watch as they fought on the steps of the cathedral.

  My hands shook, and I thought I was going to be sick. Something had been broken here. Something that had long been rotting and ignored. Cole’s temper had ignited, and Ash’s antagonism had won. And they were both so wrong. It wasn’t like on television when a person was being fought over. This was terrible. It wasn’t even completely about me. It was about ego and pride and male territorialism.

  This was about winning.

  And in the end, no one won. Except for my clarity that I couldn’t keep doing this.

  I couldn’t be with Ash.

  I couldn’t be with Cole.

  Not with our history always hovering around us. Not when I loved them both. Not when they hated each other. This would never get easier. It would never go away. Time kept pulling us back together, always together, and it didn’t care who got hurt. Inevitably, it was always me.

  Every time they hurt each other, I held the brunt of it, and I had for years and years. Love wasn’t enough here. Not with hate so close to the surface.

  An apology wouldn’t fix anything this time.

  A group of Holy Cross football players dived into the fray to tear Cole and Ash apart. They were both bleeding, chests heaving, fighting to get back to it. To take out their anger in an animalistic way. As if it would solve anything.

  “It’s over,” I said so soft that they almost didn’t hear me.

  “What?” Cole asked.

  “It’s over,” I repeated. “This is over. Both of you.”

  “Lila,” Cole said.

  “Wait,” Ash began.

  I shook my head. “No, I’m done.”

  “You can’t be done,” Cole said.

  But I was. “I’m tired of having to choose and getting hurt in the process. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “Lila,” Ash said.

  I stared between them, utterly empty and spent. I was too tired, too broken to go through this. I’d hurt when it all sank in, but right now, I felt resolute.

  “Please …” Cole said.

  There wasn’t a way. I knew that. And we couldn’t keep doing this. If only they didn’t hate each other. So, I threw out the only caveat that I knew they’d never accept.

  “It’s either all of us or none of us,” I said clearly.

  Both guys balked at my words. The words they had surely never expected to hear. I’d only thought them in abstract, knowing it was impossible. But there was nothing holding us back from the precipice now.

  “We’re a trio, or we’re not. That’s the only offer I have.”

  “That’s crazy,” Cole said.

  “That would never work,” Ash insisted.

  I glanced between them. Blue eyes and brown hair and red, red blood. I’d known they’d say no. How could they say anything else? But they must not have realized what the alternative meant.

  “Then it’s nothing.”

  They argued and fought and tried to get me to hear what they were saying, but they’d made their position clear while they rolled around on the church steps. It was over.

  I’d spent my entire life fighting between these two men. I’d had casual dates with other people, but part of me had known I’d always end back up with one of them. It was only now that I knew that I had to try something else. There had to be something … someone else out there. Without the history and the baggage and the pain.

  My mom kept the boys back and herded me into the car. She didn’t say anything as we drove home.

  “How much did you see?” I asked once we were inside.

  “Enough.”

  I nodded and sank onto the couch. My eyes were dry, but I knew it was only a matter of time. “What have I done?”

  “The only thing you could with that ridiculous behavior on the church steps.” She sat next to me and pulled my head into her lap. She ran her fingers back through my hair as I tried to cry but felt nothing.

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “I thought he was forever.”

  “Cole?”

  I
stared up at her blankly.

  She patted my arm reassuringly. “Both of them.”

  “It was never going to happen though, was it?”

  My mom sighed. “I don’t know, honey, but you don’t need a man to be happy.”

  “Like you? Do you miss Dad?” I asked the question that I’d always held back.

  My mom didn’t talk about my dad. It was bad enough that he’d abandoned her with four daughters right after my birth. It was worse that she still obviously loved him.

  “Some days,” she said. “But just because he was my one doesn’t mean I’m not better without him. I got to raise four beautiful girls. I’ve had the best life for me, and you’ll find the best life for you.”

  I sure hoped she was right.

  34

  Santa Monica

  June 23, 2017

  “Keep the mimosas coming,” Josie said.

  She waved her fresh manicure at the waiter and rolled over on the cushioned chair to look at me and Marley. We were in the swank Santa Monica Hotel Casa del Mar for Josie’s wedding. She’d booked us suites for the weekend, and we were currently lounging poolside in skimpy bikinis, drinking Dom Pérignon, and soaking up the California sun.

  “I can’t believe you’re getting married tomorrow,” Marley said from the pool.

  “Again,” I said.

  Josie stuck her tongue out at me. “It’s going to be amazing. Like, just imagine the Santa Monica beach decked out for our wedding. I’m thinking we all run to the pier afterward and jump on the Ferris wheel.”

  I laughed. Marley turned green.

  “You know how I feel about heights.”

  “Just one turn!” Josie insisted.

  “I’ll keep you safe,” I told Mars.

  “I’m going to need to be drunk. A drunk bridesmaid.”

  “Whatever. It’s LA. It’s fine.”

  “When does Craig get back from Vegas?” Marley asked.

  “Tomorrow morning.”

  Josie’s groom, Craig, had been gone the last three days on some Vegas bachelor party extravaganza. His best man had planned and decided to tell Josie that it was going to be à la The Hangover. They’d even gotten the penthouse at Caesars. Josie had opted for something more low-key. We’d spent all morning at the spa, and after our mimosa pool day, we were doing a decadent dinner out in Malibu and going to some swank nightclub.