by L. S. Pullen
“Well, wow. Just…wow.” He fans his hand in front of his face.
“That’s all you’ve got?”
“Yep and was it good? The sex?” He slides me another shot. I don’t know what on earth he’s thinking, buying us a tray of these test tubes, but I down it anyway.
“It was. But Si, are you missing what I told you? He wasn’t there when I woke up, and all this shit from my past came rushing back.”
“What do you mean?”
“I started to remember waking up in that flat. I’ve had flashbacks on and off, but this one was so vivid. I could even smell it. And then when the realisation hit me that he was just gone, it was like I couldn’t breathe.”
He gets up and sits beside me on my side of the booth, tucking my hair behind my ear. My stomach drops. Charlie likes to move the hair off my face, too.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry, baby girl.”
I shrug like it’s not a big deal, but I know it is. I’ve repressed so much unintentionally, and now it’s like it comes back in waves with a vengeance.
“And now I’ve gone and messed everything up with Charlie. Rather than hashing it out, I ran.”
He shakes his head. “No, you haven’t. Come on, there has always been something between you two… Pent-up sexual frustration shall we say.”
“There was no pent-up anything,” I say, lying through my teeth.
He tilts his head.
“All right, maybe there was. But you’re deviating. It’s his friendship I’m concerned about right now.”
“Listen, we aren’t blind. We see how you are around each other. Whether or not you choose to admit it. You can stay friends with someone you’ve slept with. Look at Flick and me.” He grins his pearly whites.
“Not the same… You being gay and all.”
“It is so the same. Sexual orientation is irrelevant; it could have been awkward afterwards, but it wasn’t.”
I blink at him. “Well, how would you feel if you woke up and he was just gone? And then Flick and Nate come home, and like the loose cannon I am, I booked the next flight out here.” I cover my face with my hands. “What was I thinking?”
I am so pissed at myself right now, and it hurts even more, knowing he went to get my car and came back with coffee. I didn’t think he even knew what coffee I liked. I was judging him. I’m more like my parents than I dare to admit.
“Sophie, you deserve more. And someone like Charlie… Well, he’s one of the good ones. That beau even protected your honour at the wedding.” He holds up his hands. “Granted he’s not usually a commitment kinda guy, but then you don’t have the best track record with relationships either. I’m not saying that in a jack arse way. I think you’d be great together.”
“Stop it. For the record, my relationships haven’t been that bad.”
He shudders. “Ross comes to mind.”
I fake gag and laugh. “Yeah. He was bad, wasn’t he?”
It turns out he wasn’t a single accountant living with his parents. When in fact he had a wife and a kid on the way. When I found out, he dared to think we’d carry on. I’m far from perfect, but I have integrity. No way was that going to happen. And yes, I know it could always be worse.
“Come on, how about we get drunk?”
There’s a tray in front of us laden with test tube shots. He passes me one and takes one for himself, clinking it with mine, then together, we down them. Just for tonight, I want to pretend things are like they used to be before everything changed. Before everything went to crap. I want to forget about the shit storm brewing at home. I’m not ready to face Charlie or explain my odd behaviour when Flick and Nate came home. Flick didn’t say anything, but her eyes spoke volumes. She knew something was wrong. I sent her a text before I boarded my flight. I didn’t want to read the text from Charlie or listen to the voicemail. So, I switched it off.
It’s easy to ignore reality with the slide of a thumb.
Chapter 14
Charlie
I’m at my wit’s end. Sophie’s vanished on me. I’ve tried calling, left her messages, sent texts but nada—not a single response. I even went to her house; her car was there, but she wasn’t. I haven’t slept. The way she looked at me when she left stung. I want to know where she is. Most importantly, I need to know she’s safe.
I pull up at Nate’s and find him in the garage.
“Hey, man,” I say.
“Charlie, boy,” he says, spinning to greet me. “Damn dude, you look like shit.”
I give him the finger. “Gee, thanks.”
“Listen, about yesterday. I was out of line, and I’m sorry.”
I nod. “I’m worried. I can’t get hold of her. Even went in search for her over at her place.”
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?” I ask, resting on the bonnet of his car. “About the mystery appointment yesterday?” I ask. Her lame arse excuse to bolt.
“Mate, I don’t know how to tell you this… She got the first available flight out to New York.”
“What the fuck?” I stand up.
He can’t be serious. She fucking left the country?
“What the fuck, exactly,” Flick says from behind me, and I physically flinch.
“Flick—”
“Don’t. I want you to explain to me why my best friend up and left the day I returned from my honeymoon.”
I stick my hands in my pockets and scrutinise the floor, searching for answers I know aren’t there.
“I don’t know…things were a little awkward. I was hoping to talk to her about it. How was I to know she’d hightail it out of here on a plane?”
She wraps her arms around her waist. “What do you mean, awkward? Why would it be awkward? Charlie, what happened?”
I move away from her, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“You guys didn’t…” she asks coming towards me. “Shit, you did!”
“God. Yes, we spent the night together,” I say, annoyed by her interrogation, then drop my hand in frustration, pacing back and forth.
I want to be talking to Sophie about this, not getting the third degree from her best friend. You don’t see me asking Nate about their sex life.
“The whole night?”
“Yes, Felicity. What’s with the twenty questions? You both saw me when you pulled up yesterday.” I was trying to do something thoughtful.
Flick’s mouth gapes open. “Hold up, that’s why we saw you getting out of her car?” She shrinks into her cardigan.
“Yes.”
“So, she knew you went to get her car and then when you got back, she was just…off?”
“No, I left her sleeping.” I watch Nate. He hasn’t said a word…thanks for the support, man.
“Oh, shit.”
“What’s with the third degree?”
She gapes at me. “She woke up on her own after you spent the night together.” Her body’s visibly tense now, and Nate moves towards her, pulling her into his side.
“She doesn’t stay with anyone she’s seeing, and then she does, and you just leave her without saying a word?”
Is she serious?
“Flick, she was asleep. I went to get her car and came straight back.”
She shakes her head. “But you didn’t leave a note, text, anything?”
Do people even do that anymore? Leave notes?
“Why would I? I was coming straight back to her.”
Nate gives me a lopsided grin. “Damn, you do like her,” he says.
“I do, man.” Sophie has wholly slain me.
Nate moves away from Flick and pulls me in for a hug, and then punches me in the shoulder.
“It wasn’t just a one-night-stand. Not to me.”
Nate watches Flick, and she lets out a resigned sigh before speaking. “Simon texted and said she was in a bit of a two and eight.”
My chest is becoming increasingly tight. Is this what it’s like to have anxiety? I hate that she’s in a state because of me. How have I man
aged to screw it up already?
“Charlie, I’ll try and find out what I can,” Flick says, her expression softening.
My back pocket vibrates, and I fumble as I pull it out, disappointed to see it’s a text from my dad. Flick observes me with sympathy.
“I just don’t get it.”
“Charlie, it’s hard for her, you know that?”
I nod, but it doesn’t help the hollow emptiness that settles in my chest. She has to know what we had was more than just a hook-up. Surely, she knows that. I turn my phone over in my hands, wondering if I should text her again, explain that in some way. But I want to hash it out and talk to her about it, not send her an impersonal fucking text message.
Sophie
Visiting Simon was a well-needed reprieve and welcome distraction from the reality of the situation waiting for me at home. But Charlie’s been on my mind pretty much the entire time. He’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep.
Pathetic really.
But the more time I’ve had to process everything, the more I realise how taken I am with him. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s been such a good friend and fills a void. I don’t bloody know. When Simon left to pursue his dreams in America, and Nate and Flick got engaged, I’d find myself spending more time around him. I’d go to see him while he was at work.
I need to make it right between us, but I don’t know where to start. Apart from a couple of texts between Flick and me, I haven’t been in touch with anyone. She offered to pick me up from the airport, but I’m not ready to face her. Not yet. She’ll see right through me and call me out on my bullshit.
Kicking the back of my case, so it’s propped up on two wheels, I bump it up the steps to my front door. My phone shrills, and I put it between my ear and shoulder as I answer and unlock my door.
“Hello,” I say.
“You’re back?” she asks, relief in her voice.
“Yep, just walked in.” The door closes behind me, and I dump my case in front of the stairs. Walking into the living room, I slump into the deep-filled cushions of the sofa, getting sucked into their softness. The air in here is stale from me being away. But I can’t be bothered to open the window, not now I’ve sat down.
“How was the flight? How are you?”
I chew on the inside of my mouth. “It was fine. Just watched a couple of films. I’m exhausted, though. Might go have a nap for a bit.”
I know what she wants to talk about, I can sense it. Charlie and me. What is there to say? It’s a colossal mess.
“About you and Charlie…”
And there it is. I lay down and throw my arm over my eyes. The exhaustion still weighing heavy on me, both physically and mentally. “Don’t bother beating around the bush, will you?”
“Nope. I love you both, and the sooner you clear the air, the better.” She has a heart of gold, she genuinely does, but I’m not ready for this right now.
“He told you?” I ask quietly, both annoyed and relieved.
“He did, but reluctantly. He’s confused and to be honest, so am I.”
“That makes two of us,” I say, covering a yawn.
“You need to talk to him, Soph.”
I nod even though she can’t see me and close my eyes. All the travelling is catching up with me. “I will. I want to forget it happened and go back to being friends.”
With a heavy sigh, I roll to sit up. Then with zero enthusiasm, I get to my feet. My carry-on is taunting me across the room, and I reluctantly grab it by the handle to haul it up the stairs. The effort is exhausting, my breaths laboured. Shit, I need to get to a gym.
“What? You don’t want to see where this could go?”
Wheeling my case into my room, I fall onto my bed and stare at the cracks in my ceiling, at the edge of the wallpaper that’s peeling off in the corner. When is my landlord going to sort this place out? It’s bad enough there’s damp in the kitchen, but every room is beginning to fall apart. I almost want to laugh—a lot like me then?
“No, I…this is best for everyone involved.”
“What? Is everyone involved? Ultimately this comes down to you and him—nobody else,” she says, a conviction in her voice.
Easy for her to say.
“You deserve to be happy, Soph,” she says softly.
I smile at her words, but deep down my stomach flutters with uncertainty.
“I know. Says you and Simon both.”
She sighs into the phone. “Because we care. We worry about you. You’re always so strong for everybody else and caring for others. There’s nothing wrong with letting us take care of you sometimes, too.”
“And I love you for it. I know I’ve given you a reason to worry in the past, but I’m doing better now. I’m trying to sort myself out.”
“Soph, I didn’t mean it like that.”
I swipe to speakerphone and lay it beside my ear. “I know.”
“Just don’t cross out the possibility of you and Charlie, okay?”
“Listen, I’m going to try and get some sleep. I have a meeting with the bank first thing tomorrow.”
“Okay, cupcake. Let me know how you get on.”
“Of course. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Heavy with fatigue, I roll over and off the edge of the bed. Adulting sucks. I head downstairs and swoop up the post which has assembled inside the front door. An envelope catches my eye—it’s Craig’s handwriting. I’d recognise that unruly scrawl anywhere. I don’t even want to know what it says. I walk into the kitchen and toss it in the drawer. A shudder runs through me. What did I ever see in him?
Chapter 15
Charlie
This past week has been tedious at best. Sophie’s been playing on my mind non-stop. I continue to over analyse everything about that night, about that morning. It’s fucking frustrating. And if that’s not bad enough, my dad’s only gone and gotten himself engaged…again.
Nate texted me late last night and told me Sophie’s back. So, here I am, straddling my bike, watching her house, trying to decide if I should grow a pair and knock. Then she comes down the steps, digging around in her bag, no doubt for her car keys.
I pull off my helmet and bring my thumb and forefinger to my mouth, letting out a loud wolf whistle. She startles, dropping her bag, spilling its contents all over the pavement.
Shit. I jump off the bike, rushing over. She peers up as she grabs stuff, not even paying attention as she shoves it back in her bag, hands trembling.
“Charlie, what are you doing here?”
“Sorry, and it’s good to see you, too,” I say. My hand is reaching for her lip stuff at the same time as hers. She snatches it away from me and my stomach drops. Wow, her reaction isn’t promising.
Her expression softens, and she shakes her head once. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just a little on edge.” She touches my arm but then removes it all too soon.
“Why you on edge?” I watch her face, but she keeps her emotions in check, biting the inside of her cheek.
“You’re here early. Is everything all right?”
Is she kidding me? She completely avoided my question. I stand and offer her my outstretched hand, but she ignores it and pushes herself to her feet.
“Well, what do you think, Soph? You up and skipped the country without so much as a word.” I try my hardest to keep the edge out of my voice.
“I just needed to clear my head. I should’ve talked to you after. Can we just leave it in the past?”
I swallow hard. Although I never expected her to declare her feelings for me, I sure as hell didn’t expect her to be so removed from it either. “You want to act as if it never happened?” She can’t be serious.
“It happened. I’m not trying to deny that. But we’re friends Charlie, and I don’t want to ruin that. Do you?”
“Of course not.” Does she not see how important she is to me?
“Friends?” she asks, reaching out and touching my arm.
“Is that what you want?” I’m hoping she’ll say no, that she wants to be more.
“It is.” She won’t make eye contact. And my stomach sinks at her response.
“Right.” What did I expect?
“I’ll see you at the weekend?” she asks, checking her watch. She seems eager to be free of me. “I’m sorry, I have an appointment with the bank.”
“Oh, everything all right?”
She tucks her hair behind her ear, and I’m jealous because I wish it were me doing it.
“Yes, it’s for a business loan. Something I’ve been working towards.” Her cheeks begin to heat. She looks away.
“Well, good luck. Not that you’ll need it.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you on Saturday?”
For the briefest moment, I get my hopes up, and then it’s quickly replaced with reality. A group of us arranged a get-together.
“Of course,” I reply, grateful when my voice doesn’t catch in my throat.
She smiles and goes on her tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek, releasing a fresh breeze of vanilla over me as she pulls back. I watch on as she gets into her car and drives away.
“Shit.”
A sense of foreboding washes over me as I clutch my helmet. I check my surroundings suspiciously. The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention, like ants are crawling all over my body. I let out a shiver. But apart from the tomcat licking his balls in the middle of the pavement, the street is otherwise deserted. The only sounds are the rustle of the tree branches brushing together, and the chirping of nearby birds. And the symphony of the morning traffic coming from the main road.
I wish I could get lost on the back roads, free my mind for a while. But commuters are on a mission now. I’ll have to settle for a workout instead, maybe even another sparring session if Olly’s about. Was it pathetic of me to get my hopes up? Perhaps I wasn’t transparent enough of my intentions? And now here I am double guessing every touch, every kiss—questioning if it was all in my head.