When I Was Yours

by Samantha Towle

  Fear of the unknown keeps those words locked up tight inside of me.

  I fear his reaction. I fear that he won’t see the rational side of what I did, that he’ll only see the betrayal.

  I did what I had to back then, but will he see it that way?

  My fear is that he won’t. And I don’t want to lose him.

  But aren’t I going to lose him anyway?

  Sinking down on the edge of the bed, I curl my fingers around the mattress, and I close my eyes, pushing more tears down my face. My lips are sealed tightly together as I contemplate.

  But my silence is too long.

  And he takes that as my answer.

  Because when I open my eyes back up, he’s gone, and the bedroom door is swinging shut in his wake.

  And this time, I don’t follow him.

  “What about surfing?” I say, propping my feet up on the dashboard.

  We’re driving back home from Vegas, in the final stretch of our journey, and we’re talking about Adam’s options now that he’s staying in Malibu because he’s, you know, my husband.

  I stop the squeal of delight from slipping out.

  “What about it?” Adam glances momentarily from the road to me.

  “Well, you said before that, when you were younger, you wanted to be a pro surfer. And you’re good, Adam, really good. I know Grady would help you get started, get you talking to the right people. You could begin entering local competitions, start building up your name.”

  I see his mind working as he stares at the road ahead.

  “You really think I could do it?”

  “I think you can do anything you put your mind to.”

  “I’d have to work another job while I’m doing it ’cause the winnings would be small, if any at all.”

  “I’m working full-time now, and I’ll be able to pick up extra shifts if I need to, so you don’t need to worry too much.”

  Now school is over, I’m full-time at Grady’s, and I know if I ask Grady for extra shifts, he’ll work something out for me.

  “My woman is not keeping me,” he says in a silly caveman voice. “I keep my woman.”

  “You’re a tool!” I laugh.

  “Yeah, but I’m your tool.”

  “Yeah, you are,” I say softly, looking down at my ring.

  I’ve spent a lot of time staring at my wedding ring since Adam put it on my finger two days ago.

  After we got married, we stayed in Vegas the next day, a mini-honeymoon kind of thing. Adam wanted to spend the whole day in our hotel room, having sex, but I managed to get some clothes on him for a few hours, so we could do something. There’s not much to do in Vegas when you’re too young to gamble and drink, so we ended up going to Adventuredome, which was really fun. Then, after Adventuredome, we came back to the hotel. We ordered room service for dinner and spent the rest of the night in bed, having sex, lots of it—not that I’m complaining. I’ve also learned that calling Adam my husband gets him hard, like instantly. Got to say though, hearing him call me his wife turns me on just the same.

  I glance up, seeing the sign for Malibu.

  Almost home.

  Almost time to tell Dad that I’m married.

  My stomach twists into one big knot. I’m nervous as hell to tell Dad.

  “What are you thinking about?” Adam asks me.

  “Me, you, us. Telling Dad we got married.” I move my eyes to him.

  “Does your dad have a gun?” He glances at me.

  “No,” I answer, laughing.

  “Good. I can take an ass-kicking, but there’s no coming back from a bullet wound.”

  “He won’t kick your ass. He only has one good working arm, remember?”

  He gives me a serious look. “You only need one arm to throw a punch, babe.”

  “True.” I laugh again. “But I know my dad. He’s more of a lover than a fighter. I think he’ll probably be shocked. Then, he’ll be mad that I lied to him about where I was going. But I think once we get past the all of that, it’ll be okay.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince here, Adam or myself. “When were you thinking of telling your parents?” I ask him.

  His lips twist, a frown appearing over his brows. “I’ll call Ava once we’ve told your dad.”

  “You don’t want to go see her and your dad? Tell them face-to-face?”

  “No. I have no desire to see either of them. Honestly, I have no clue where they are. But wherever it is, you can bet your ass, they definitely aren’t together. I’ll call Ava, tell her that we’re married and that I’m staying in Malibu with you. I’ll let her relay the message to Eric.”

  “How do you think she’ll take it that you’re not going to Harvard?”

  “Honestly, I don’t think she’ll give a shit about me not going to Harvard. That’s Eric’s thing. Always has been. All Gunners have to go to Harvard,” he says in a harder, deeper voice, mimicking his father. “Me not going to work at the studio? Ava won’t like that one bit. She and Eric both. But like I give a shit. I have you, and the rest can just go to hell.” He reaches for my hand, threading his fingers through mine.

  We drive the rest of the way home, our fingers entwined together.

  We pull up outside my apartment building and get out of the truck.

  I meet Adam around the back as he’s getting my travel bag from the trunk. I catch sight of the garment bag containing my wedding dress and get butterflies in my stomach. The dress is going back to the beach house. I didn’t think showing up at home with it would be a good idea.

  Then, I’m reminded that I have to tell my dad that we’re married, and those butterflies turn to a sick feeling.

  “I think we should just go to the beach house now, and I’ll tell Dad tomorrow.”

  Adam laughs softly. “It’s going to be fine, babe.” He puts my travel bag down and takes me in his arms. “We’re gonna go in there and tell your dad. He’s probably going to yell. But I’ll tell him how much I love you and that I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you. And he’ll see that I mean it and that we’re meant to be together. Then, he’ll calm down, and everything will be okay.”

  “You make it sound easy.”

  “It will be. In a few hours, you’ll look back at this moment and say, ‘God, Adam, you were so right. You’re such a genius.”

  “More like cocky, I’d say.”

  “Oh, I’m definitely cocky.” He pushes his hips into mine.

  I slap his ass with my hand, and he chuckles deeply.

  “Fuck, babe, that felt good.”

  “You’re incorrigible.” I laugh as I pull away from him.

  “It’s your fault,” he says, picking up my overnight bag. “Because you’re so damn hot.”

  As I walk toward my building, I throw him a sexy look over my shoulder. My feet hit the stairs, and the nerves come back with a vengeance.

  “Go on,” Adam urges with a push on my ass.

  Taking a deep breath, I walk up the steps.

  I feel like I’m walking the green mile as I walk toward my front door. My dad’s not a bad guy. He’s the best dad a girl could ask for. But I’ve never lied to him before—at least not a big lie and especially not a whopper like this.

  The reality of what I’ve done is sinking in now.

  Before, I was too high on the thought of marrying Adam. I was floating on a cloud.

  But now, that cloud has bumped me straight back to earth.

  “Ready?” Adam says when I stop outside the door.

  I glance back at him. “No.” I give a weak smile. “But I have to tell him. Let’s get this over with.”

  I unlock the door, letting us in. The minute I step inside the apartment, I just know something’s wrong. I can feel it, like a chill on my skin seeping to my bones. The air feels solemn. I can taste its acridity in my mouth.

  I can only remember two times when I felt like this before.

  The first was when I was taken into a room at school and told th
at my parents had been in a car accident and that my mother hadn’t made it. The second was the first day we found out that Casey had a brain tumor.

  Turning into the living room, I put my handbag down, and I’m met with my dad, who is sitting on the sofa. He lifts his eyes to mine, and I just know.

  “Where’s Casey?” My voice shakes a little, as my eyes work the room for a sign of her.

  “She’s in her room, lying down.”

  I exhale, but I don’t relax. “Dad…what’s wrong?”

  Adam stands behind me, putting his hands on my arms.

  Dad lets out a breath and presses his hand on his knee. Then, he looks up at me. “The appointment we had scheduled for next week for Casey’s scan results…well, the doctor’s office called first thing this morning and asked us to come in today instead.” He blows out another breath. “We just got back from there.”

  “What did the doctor say, Daddy?” My eyes start to sting with tears.

  He bows his head, taking in a deep breath. Then, his head starts to shake from side to side as he lifts it, looking back at me. “I didn’t call you ’cause I knew you were already on your way back, and I didn’t want to worry you in case it was nothing.”

  “But it’s something.”

  He nods a solemn movement. “The chemo hasn’t worked, Evie. The tumor’s grown. They’re…they’re stopping Casey’s treatment.”

  Oh God, no.

  “No.” I gasp. Tears start to run down my face.

  Adam’s hands grip me tighter, pulling me back to him.

  “No, there has to be something they can do. Wh-what about more chemo or a new drug they could try, or a clinical trial? There has to be something!”

  Dad shakes his head again. “Dr. Hemmings told me he would check again on the national database for a clinical trial. But he told us not to pin too many of our hopes on it.” Dad blows out a breath. “You know how much Dr. Hemmings loves Casey. If there were something he could do for her, he would.”

  Everyone loves Casey. No one more than Dad and me though.

  “Daddy…”

  “I’m sorry, baby.” He gets to his feet. “It’s not the doctor’s fault. He’s done everything he can for her. He’ll keep her on the drugs to make her as comfortable as possible until…”

  She dies.

  “No.” I turn in Adam’s arms, and he wraps them around me. I sob in his shirt.

  Adam holds me tight, not saying a word. What could he say that would make this right?

  Casey is going to die.

  I’m going to lose my sister.

  I curl my fingers into Adam’s shirt, clinging to him.

  How can I go from being so happy to feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life?

  This is worse than when Mom died because Casey is still here. She’s so young, and we’re going to have to watch her die.

  I feel my dad’s presence behind me.

  His hand touches my back. “Evie.”

  Adam releases me, and I turn to my dad. He’s not crying. He’s being strong. But I can see in his eyes that it’s killing him.

  I fall into his arms. “We can’t just let her die.” I cry. “We have to do something.”

  “If I could do something, baby, I would. I swear to you.”

  I blink up at him. “How…long?”

  “Maybe four months at the most.” Tears fill his eyes this time.

  “Then, there’s still time. We can find someway to save her. Maybe a new drug will come on the market.” I can feel hope trying to fight in me.

  Dad’s eyes flicker to Adam behind me. Then, his hand comes to the back of my head, tilting my eyes to his. “It might. Hold on to that hope, and so will I. We’ll keep praying that something happens to save her.”

  I stay in Dad’s arms for a long time. Adam goes to the kitchen and starts to make coffee.

  I just want to be with my sister right now, so I leave my dad and Adam.

  I walk down the hall to Casey’s room and quietly open her door.

  She’s lying on her bed, facing the window. She looks so tiny there.

  She is tiny and so young.

  She deserves to have a life, a long life.

  We lost Mom. Haven’t we lost enough without losing Casey, too?

  Kicking off my shoes, I climb onto the bed behind her and put my arm around her.

  She turns her head, looking back at me. “Hey,” she says.

  I bite my lip to stop from crying, blinking the tears away. I need to be strong for her. “Hey.”

  “Dad talked to you?”

  “He did.”

  She lets out a slow breath and blinks up at the ceiling. “I…don’t feel ready to die yet, Evie. I know Mom’s up in heaven, and I want to see her, but I don’t want to leave you and Dad.”

  My heart cracks wide open.

  I rub the tears from my eyes. “You’re not going to die,” I tell her. “Mom won’t let it happen. She loves you, but she doesn’t want you up in heaven with her. That’ll mean she has to start picking up after you again.” I smile at her, trying ease things a little.

  Casey laughs softly. Her little giggle reminds me of when she was a baby, and I used to sit for hours with her, making her laugh. The memory hurts. It hurts so badly.

  She curls her hand around mine, and I feel her tiny fingers hook onto my ring.

  I freeze.

  She lifts my hand and examines it. Then, she looks at me, her eyes wide. “You got married?”

  I feel sick. I’m the worst person in the world.

  Casey shouldn’t have found this out right now. I should have taken my ring off. Adam and I left our rings on because the plan was to come in and tell Dad and Casey straight away. But, of course, that didn’t happen.

  “Yes,” I answer slowly.

  “Holy cannoli!” She turns over to face me. “I can’t believe you got married!”

  I give an uneasy smile.

  “Was it in a church?”

  I shake my head. “Vegas.”

  “Vegas! Oh my God!” She giggles. “Does Dad know?”

  “No, and we don’t need to talk about this right now. You’re more important.”

  “No freaking way. We are so talking about this. And you say Dad doesn’t know? Is Adam out there right now with Dad?”

  “Yes…”

  “And does he have his wedding ring on?”

  Shit.

  “Mmhmm.”

  “Then, Dad knows. He might not have spotted it right away, but I’m guessing he had other things on his mind then. Give him another five minutes, and he’ll know.”

  Fuck.

  But as I stare at Casey’s face, my worry evaporates. I touch my hand to her face. “You’re smiling,” I say.

  “Sure I am. Dad is going to blow a gasket when he finds out that you and Adam just got married in Vegas. And that means, for a short while, we don’t have to think or talk about what’s happening with me.”

  “Oh, Case.” My eyes instantly fill with tears, and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her to me.

  “Just so you know, I’m a little annoyed that I didn’t get to be a bridesmaid,” she says muffled against my shoulder. “But I am happy for you.”

  I hug her tighter. “We’ll have another service, maybe on the beach, and then you can be a bridesmaid. How does that sound?”

  She tilts her head back, resting it on the pillow, she smiles at me. “It sounds perfect.”

  As I lie here with my arms around Casey, staring into her beautiful face, I tell myself that I will make that a reality. She will be my bridesmaid. Because there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to save her. I will find a way to save my sister.

  I’m losing hope.

  I thought I would find some way to save Casey or that some miracle would happen or that the doctor would call and tell us he got her on a clinical trial for a new wonder drug. I convinced myself of it.

  But nothing’s happened.

  No miracles. No calls.

  Casey is s
till dying.

  I’m still going to lose her.

  Casey was right when she said Dad would spot Adam’s ring. We had another ten minutes together before Dad knocked on the door, asking me to come out and see him.

  He didn’t blow a gasket though, like Casey had hoped. He was calm, rational. He told me he was sad that I’d lied to him. I felt sick at that one.

  But then he asked me if I was happy.

  I didn’t feel happy at that moment. But I was happy with Adam, and I told Dad that and that I loved Adam.

  Dad’s eyes got all watery again. He wrapped his arms around me and told me that was all he ever wanted for me. Then, he kissed me on the cheek and told me he was going to sit with Casey for a bit.

  Adam called Ava later that day and told her that we’d gotten married. He said it didn’t go exactly as he’d expected. She didn’t yell when he told her that he wasn’t going to go to Harvard or going to work at the studio, that he was staying here. He said she told him that he’d made that choice, so he would be cut off. He told her that was what he wanted.

  And that was the end of that.

  She made good on her promise.

  His credit cards no longer work, and his car was taken away. At least he still has the truck for a bit longer. He’d paid in advance for that, and the beach house is paid up until the end of the summer.

  He has some money that he’d put into a separate bank account of his own to tide him over until he can get work. So, technically, he’s still living off his parents’ money, but it’s all he can do at the moment. And he’s been talking to Grady about the pro-surfing thing.

  Life is still going on. I’m still working.

  But at the same time, it feels like everything is standing still.

  I feel like I’m walking with sludge most days.

  Right now, I’m just getting ready to go back to the apartment to spend the night with Casey.

  I’m living between the beach house and the apartment at the moment. But, for obvious reasons, I’ve been spending more time at the apartment with Casey.

  I came to the beach house from Grady’s to spend some time with Adam before he goes out with Max. With me working all the hours I can and spending every spare moment with Casey, Adam and I haven’t seen much of each other these last five days since we got back.