Shana puts down the partly nibbled lettuce leaf on her plate. ‘Oh, I couldn’t. I have to watch what I eat, I don’t want to get fat.’ She looks pointedly at Ellie when she says fat .
‘Ellie’s not fat at all, but you’re a bitch.’
Shana stares at Biro opened mouthed, unable to believe what she’s hearing.
‘I’m not a ...’ she starts to say.
‘And in future,’ Biro goes on loudly, ‘Go and sit somewhere else if all you can do is slag people off.’
✽✽✽
I’m sitting in the counselling room waiting for Adam to arrive. I’m not early this time, he’s late. I know the way now but it still seems a long trek from the main part of the college.
I’ve taken my coat off; how brave of me! I’m wearing a deep blue fluffy jumper that Auntie Bridget bought me for Christmas. It’s long and loose and feels so comfortable and I don’t know why I haven’t worn it before. I’ve pretty much worn the same few boring sweatshirts for the past year but last night I thought, right, the hair is gone maybe the sweatshirts should go too.
Time to make an effort as Mum used to say. I went through my wardrobe and got all of the new stuff out that I’ve never worn and tried it all on. And I have to agree with Dad – what you wear can help you to feel better about yourself. I tried this jumper on and looked in the mirror and I though, actually, you don’t look too bad, even the hair looked a bit less awful.
I wonder what Adam will think of it? I wonder if he’ll think I look beautiful like Danny? Which is a stupid thing to think, because of course he won’t, I don’t know why I even thought that.
I hear Adam’s heavy footsteps coming down the corridor and the door behind me opens and I turn around to see Adam coming in. His smile freezes when he sees me and my own greeting dies on my lips.
He sits down opposite me and crosses his legs in his usual manner and stares at me.
‘You hate it don’t you?’
He shakes his head.
‘It’s too short.’
‘No. It’s not. It’s just a shock.’
I knew he’d hate it. I choke down bitter disappointment; I so desperately wanted him to like it. I should have kept my coat on, I could have put the hood up and then he’d never have seen my awful hair. And why did I even wear this stupid jumper? Was I actually trying to impress him?
‘You look so different.’
‘Like a boy,’ I say miserably.
Adam laughs, a low throaty laugh.
‘No. Definitely not like a boy.’
‘You don’t hate it then?’ I ask hopefully.
‘Hate it? Of course not. It suits you.’
It’s a relief he doesn’t hate it but I can’t help feeling disappointed. Was I expecting him to compliment me like Danny did? I feel awkward and uncomfortable and I don’t quite know what to do. I focus my eyes on the out of date calendar on the wall while Adam opens his notebook and rifles through the pages. Finally, he speaks.
‘How have you been coping since last week?’
‘Okay, I think I am slowly improving.’
He nods thoughtfully and scribbles in his notebook, I try to see what he writes but he has it tipped away from me.
He looks up. ‘So, what prompted the hair cut? Or had you been planning it for a while?’
It’s the sort of thing he asks each session but there’s something different, something I can’t put my finger on. Am I imagining it? No, I’m not. I have the feeling that Adam’s annoyed with me, that I’ve done something wrong but I have no idea what it is.
‘No, it was a spur of the moment thing. I was only supposed to be having a trim but got talked into something more drastic.’
I tell him about Dolph, and Bertie and Louise. Then I tell him about the beanie hat and he laughs at that and things seem to get back to normal.
‘I’d decided to wear the beanie hat until my hair grew again.’
‘Might have been a bit difficult in the summer.’
‘I know!’
‘What made you change your mind?’
I tell him about the rehearsal and how Biro pulled the hat off me.
‘How did that make you feel?’
‘I was fuming,’ I say. ‘But I think he did me a favour really.’
‘He did,’ Adam agrees. ‘But I think you would have done it anyway in your own time because your confidence is growing.’
And because a part of me wants to show off, I tell him about what Danny said. Maybe I just want Adam to know that someone paid me a compliment. I don’t know, but the minute I’ve said it I wish I hadn’t because it makes me sound like a vain idiot.
‘It’s a nice compliment, but remember, you don’t need anyone else’s approval for your appearance.’
‘I know that.’ I wish I hadn’t told him now.
‘You don’t need a spotty teenager to boost your low self-esteem.’ Adam’s looking very serious. ‘You have your own self-worth.’
Danny’s not spotty at all and I just think he was being nice but now I feel deflated. Is my self-esteem so low that only other people can make me feel better?
‘Why do you think Danny paid you the compliment?’
I shrug. ‘Danny’s really nice, he was just being nice.’
‘Guys don’t generally pay compliments just to be nice.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He’s obviously attracted to you, are you attracted to him?’
‘No! He’s just a friend.’
‘Might be best if you let him know that, in case he gets the wrong idea.’
Now I’m going to feel awkward around Danny because Adam’s said that; I hadn’t even thought of Danny in that way.
‘He doesn’t fancy me, he can have his pick of girls, he’s really hot.’
Adam doesn’t look at me and continues scribbling in the notebook. The silence grows and stretches and I start to feel more and more uncomfortable. I wish I could start the session again and not mention Danny or the stupid compliment.
Adam looks up at last. ‘So now we have to talk about the elephant in the room.’
‘What?’
‘The elephant in the room that we never talk about. Your mother.’
‘Oh.’
‘You’re not going to progress unless you can be completely honest with me about your feelings for her.’
‘I have been honest.’
‘How would you describe your relationship with your mother?’
‘Very close. We were very close.’
‘You could tell each other anything?’
‘Oh yes, I could confide in Mum about anything. She always made me feel better if something was troubling me. I could always talk to Dad as well but me and Mum were even closer.’
‘Good, good. And was it mutual? Did she confide in you about things that were troubling her?’
I hesitate for just for a second but it’s long enough for Adam to notice.
‘Josie, you do know you can tell me anything? Whatever you tell me is completely confidential and will never leave this room.’
‘I know.’ I wish I had my coat on. I’d pull the hood up now.
Adam leans forward in his chair and stares at me so intently that I can’t look away.
‘So, tell me what it is that’s really bothering you.’
Chapter 12
Josie
F riday’s come around so quickly; too quickly. I’m on the way to my session with Adam and for the first time ever I don’t want to go. Part of me wants to see him but something has changed, but I don’t know what.
I saw Adam in the canteen yesterday; Biro and I were sitting at our usual table when I happened to look up and I saw Adam across the room. He was standing in front of the doors talking to one of the tutors and although they were deep in conversation, I know that he must have seen me because I wasn’t that far away from him. I’m sure he looked right at me. I put my hand up in a wave and he totally blanked me, looked straight through me as if I wasn’t there. I fel
t proper stupid and turned the wave into brushing my hand over my head as if I was smoothing my non-existent hair.
‘I know him,’ Biro had said following my gaze.
‘What?’
‘That guy you’re staring at, I know him. He used to live in our street, a couple of doors down from us.’
‘Did he?’
‘Yeah. I think he’s a bit old for you though.’
I gave a fake laugh. ‘Don’t be stupid, I don’t fancy him.’
‘You want to tell your face that,’ Biro had said seriously.
‘I was just waving to him but I don’t think he saw me.’ I lower my voice. ‘He’s my counsellor.’
‘Is he?’ Biro had looked over at Adam in surprise. ‘I never knew he was a counsellor, he doesn’t look the type. Whatever’s he’s doing it seems to be working. Just remember he’s a counsellor and not your friend. It’s his job.’
‘I know that, I’m not stupid,’ I said, and then I started gabbling because I was on the defensive. ‘I think it’s definitely helping. Probably because he knows how I feel; he lost his mum when he was about the same age as me.’ I’d felt I needed to justify myself; the comment that I fancied him was making me feel uncomfortable. I should have just shut up because I can’t get anything past Biro.
Biro picked up his drink and took a slurp while giving me a level look.
‘His mum and dad still live a couple of doors away.’ He took another slurp of his drink. ‘Though that’d be his stepmum I suppose’.
‘Yeah, I don’t think his dad wasted any time in finding someone else.’ I’d immediately felt guilty for saying it, Adam had told me that in confidence and I’ve just blabbed it to Biro without a moment’s thought. I must learn to either keep my mouth shut or say it and not feel guilty.
I’d changed the subject and started talking about the band then so that I could get Biro off the subject of Adam but I could tell that he wasn’t fooled. I’m rubbish at lying. Will I be able to lie convincingly today? I know that Adam will want me to talk about Mum but I don’t want to. I’d manage to talk about Mum at the last session without actually telling him anything but I think Adam knows that I’m holding back and I don’t know how much longer I can hold back.
I do feel so much better but talking about Mum is not going to help because if I tell the truth about her, I’m going to feel so disloyal. Adam will judge her and I won’t be able to bear it. He might say he won’t judge her but the truth is he won’t be able to stop himself. I want to be honest with him but I know the longer I talk about her then the more chance there is that the floodgates will open and it’ll all come out.
This week should have been a good week. Once I’d got used to it, I felt brave and daring with my new hairstyle for a brief while but now I just feel shallow and pathetic for letting other people’s opinions influence the way I feel. Adam is right, I should have more self-worth. The gig is tomorrow night and the way I’m going that’s going to be ruined, which will be my own fault for trying to show off to Adam. If I hadn’t told him about Danny then I wouldn’t be feeling awkward around him in rehearsals. Adam’s words keep coming back to me and now I can’t even look at Danny without blushing. It’s obviously catching because now we hardly even talk and we got on really well before.
I slow my steps as I get nearer the counselling room; instead of wishing it wasn’t so out of the way and such a long way to walk I wish it was even further away so it would take even longer to get there. I stand outside the door for a moment, take a deep breath and walk into the room. I’m surprised to see Adam is already there, sitting in his chair, waiting for me.
‘Hello,’ I say with a smile that I don’t feel, closing the door.
‘Hi.’
I sling my coat onto the back of the chair and sit down.
‘So how are things going?’
‘Good.’ Apart from you blanking me in the canteen. I feel suddenly angry, I expect that sort of treatment from the Clackers, not Adam. I know he saw me.
Adam nods thoughtfully.
‘Any more compliments about your hair?’
Isn’t this a strange question to start a counselling session with? I think he’s mocking me?
‘Why did you ignore me in the canteen?’ I blurt out, surprising myself with the anger in my voice. ‘You saw me and ignored me even though I waved at you.’ There, I’ve said it now, it’s out in the open.
Adam is quiet for a moment.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says quietly. ‘I wasn’t ignoring you, it was a difficult situation.’
Oh. I’d expected him to deny seeing me or even to laugh at me. Thinking back, he was having a very intense conversation, almost an argument. I’ve seen the tutor around but I don’t have any classes with her. She teaches hair and beauty, or something like that, she’s quite young and really pretty with perfect hair and a perfect figure. With a stab of jealousy, it all makes sense; of course that’s why he ignored me, she’s probably his girlfriend and he wouldn’t want to be bothered by a client. Why am I so surprised he has a girlfriend? Did I really think someone as good looking as him wouldn’t have a girlfriend or be married?
‘I’m sorry,’ I say in what I hope is a grown-up way. ‘Forget I said anything. I’ve no right to expect your time outside of counselling.’
‘I’ll be honest with you Josie, I was trying to extricate myself from a difficult situation. We’d er… been out on a few dates but it was just a casual thing for me and I didn’t really want to see her again. I tried to let her down gently but as you could see she wasn’t very happy about it. She was demanding to know what the problem was. It was all very embarrassing.’
A bubble of happiness surges through me, so she’s not his girlfriend. A part of me is telling me that this feeling of happiness is not right, Adam is my counsellor and nothing more.
‘I was having difficulty calming her down and I thought she was going to start shouting at me,’ he goes on. ‘My counselling skills clearly weren’t working.’
He’s right; thinking back she was more animated than him and she did seem a bit angry and agitated.
‘She’s a lovely person.’ Adam brushed his hand through his hair. ‘But you can’t choose who you have feelings for, can you?’
‘No, you can’t,’ I say.
Adam looks down at his notepad but doesn’t write anything. What he says next shocks me totally.
‘I think you should find a new counsellor.’
I look at him in disbelief. ‘But why? I don’t want another counsellor.’
‘I think I’ve helped you all I can.’ He won’t look at me, won’t look up from his notebook.
‘No! I can’t see someone else, I can’t!’ I’m trying so hard not to cry, ‘Is it because I said you’d ignored me? I’m sorry! I’m sorry for being so rude and childish. Please don’t make me get another counsellor!’
Adam looks up from his notebook at me, his lips set in a grim line.
‘I’m sorry but I can’t be your counsellor anymore if you don’t trust me.’
‘Of course I trust you!’ I almost wail at him.
‘I’m sorry Josie, but you don’t.’
‘Why would you say that? I’ve told you things that I’ve never told anyone else.’
Adam stares at me but I can’t hold his gaze and I look away.
‘There, you see, you know exactly what I mean.’ He folds the cover over on his notebook with an air of finality. ‘If we don’t have trust then there is no point.’
‘I do trust you.’
‘If you trust me you have to be honest with me if I’m to help you.’
He’s right. I haven’t told him about Mum, I skirted around the subject on Tuesday but he’s not stupid, he’s knows I’m avoiding something.
‘If you won’t counsel me then I won’t have counselling anymore.’
‘That’s blackmail.’
‘You’re blackmailing me.’
‘No, I’m not. I’m trying to help you. If you won’t talk to me ther
e’s no point continuing with the counselling.’
I shrug. I fold my arms across my chest defensively.
‘Threatening not to have counselling is also,’ he looks straight at me, ‘Very childish.’
I flinch under his gaze and feel myself redden.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘That wasn’t very fair of me. Forget I said it.’
He puts the notebook on the table and puts the pen on top then looks at his watch.
‘The choice is yours, Josie.’
Betray Mum or not see Adam again?
‘Okay,’ I say in a shaky voice, ‘I’m ready to be completely honest.’
‘Good,’ he says, sitting back in the chair with a smile, ‘So talk to me.’
Chapter 13
Josie
‘G o on, let me paint your nails.’
‘No! I don’t wear nail varnish.’
‘Well then you should, I wouldn’t leave the house without it.’ Auntie Bridget holds one of her hands out in front of her and admires her plum coloured nails.
‘My nails are too short and anyway, they wouldn’t look like yours.’
‘Course they would! These aren’t real you know. Plastic. I can easily stick some on for you.’
I don’t think I’d be able to pick anything up with nails that long.
‘Thanks, Auntie Bridget, but I don’t think they’re really me.’ I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know she’s only trying to help.
We’re at the kitchen table having just finished eating the biggest burgers ever that Dad made for tea and Uncle Ralph is noisily chomping on the half of my burger that I couldn’t eat. Skipper is sitting watching with his nose about an inch from Uncle Ralph’s knee.
It’s the gig tonight and Auntie Bridget is trying to persuade me to let her give me a makeover.
‘Leave her alone,’ says Uncle Ralph through a mouthful of burger. ‘She’s not a bleeding doll.’
‘Stop your swearing and don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s disgusting.’
Uncle Ralph shrugs. ‘Just saying.’ He turns to Dad still chewing. ‘Does that dog have to drool all over me while I’m eating?’
‘Yeah, he does,’ says Dad. ‘Leave him some and give it to him when you’ve finished.’
So Talk to Me Page 9