by Raven Gale
The one that he thinks he deserves. He had started trying to make it easier for the ghosts to get him because he’s not strong enough to do it himself.
He looks back at those he considers friends, brothers even, and they are watching him close. Here it comes.
“I’ve rented a jet. You will get on it and you will go home.” Bot grinds his molars at Carter’s tone, or rather, Captain Sterling’s tone, because it’s not his friend standing in front of him. It’s the commander of the unit. The man in question sighs. “It’s time, Bot. James isn’t…”
Bot doesn’t hear the rest as he spins away and stalks into the trees. He doesn’t want to hear the same old shit again. How would they know what James would fucking want? James wanted to be alive but he’s not.
“That’s not your fault, Bot.” Joe is right behind him.
“Get the fuck out of here, Magic.”
“No.” Grabbing the younger man, Joe spins him around, throwing up his arms to block the fist swing toward his face. “You don’t want to go there with me.” Bot swings again, and Joe moves into him.
Bot is so lost in the darkness, in the past, that he didn’t see it coming and hits the ground hard. Joe stands over him looking down. There is no anger on his face or in his eyes but understanding, and maybe that’s what finally breaks through.
“You aren’t the only one that lost someone, Bot. You aren’t the only one that wishes they could go back and trade places, but we can’t. You can’t. So it’s time to move forward. Or die.” He steps back, keeping his eyes on the young man, on the storms rolling through his blue eyes. “Your choice. We are here, your brothers and sister, and we’ll help you though if you let us. If you don’t, then you leave us to mourn one more fallen. Shitty fucking thing to do to us, but it’s your decision. I will expect you to explain to Ember. She doesn’t deserve to live with the guilt.”
Bot pushes up while shaking his head.
“Make no mistake, she will blame herself.” Joe spins away and leaves the man to make his decision.
Bot watches his retreating back and then looks beyond to his house. Carter is standing with his arms around his wife, and she is shaking her head at whatever he is saying. Her face swings around as Joe steps from the tree line. Ember tries to break free, but Carter shakes his head and holds her until Joe reaches them.
Bot remains where he is, watching as they try to talk to her. Tries to explain. How do you explain that he’s tired of hiding and tired of the guilt? She doesn’t want to hear or understand because she, at least subconsciously, knows it could happen to any of them. Bot sees the look of desperation, and she looks between the two of them. He recognizes the moment she realizes it could be either of them.
Ember cares for them all, but Carter and Joe have her heart. Standing, he starts towards them, stopping at the tree line. They can’t hold her then. She is flying across the yard at him in less than a second. They both stay where they are and watch as she crashes into him, clinging to him like she believes she has the power to banish the ghosts.
If only it was that easy.
“Please.” She says it low as she hugs him tight. “I can’t imagine and I won’t say that I can, but please try a little bit more for me. For them.” Bot feels her swallow hard before she continues. “I don’t want to lose you and I’m afraid if they lost you, I’d lose them too. I wouldn’t survive that. You hold our fates in your hands, Colin.” She leans back and looks at him hard. “No pressure.” She smiles slightly.
“I can’t promise you anything, Ember, but please believe me when I say this has nothing to do with anything you asked me to do.” Her chin begins to quake, and he closes his eyes for a moment. He misses her quick grin and the shaking of the other men’s heads. She has won. “Okay, I’ll go but I’m just going to see my mom real quick. Then I’m leaving.”
He only hopes he can avoid James’ family.
The other men watch as Bot lets Ember lead him to the back deck. They continue to watch him closely as he grabs some things and shoves them in a bag. In fact, he has one of the three at his side the entire morning. Even as he climbs the steps to the small private plane, the three of them follow right behind him.
Ducking as he goes in, he shakes his head when he straightens and turns to the right. The team, minus Jacques, is sitting in seats scattered around the plane. They say nothing, just nod as he makes his way by them to the seat farthest in the back. Carter and Ember sit in the middle seats that seem to have been saved for them. Joe flops down opposite Bot and stretches out his legs.
“Total A-Team trip,” he murmurs as he pulls a worn and frayed ball cap down over his eyes.
He is asleep before take off, and when they are finally cruising at forty-thousand feet, Ember stops at their seats on her way back to the restroom or the bedroom.
She smiles at Joe sprawling and snoring softly. Leaning down, her lips brush against Bot’s ear. “He was watching you for a few days.” She says nothing else before she straightens and continues back.
Days. Damn fool hadn’t slept, Bot is sure of it.
Chapter Four
Carter watches as Bot finally drifts off to sleep. Joe had basically trapped him in his seat, unless he wanted to climb over the back. The tall Cajun was slick, he’d give him that. He had forced the younger man to rest. Viper is watching them both close.
They all know Bot isn’t the only one that doesn’t sleep much, but Joe is going to be much harder to crack. The nightmares will come, but they all hope the two men get some rest.
One crisis at a time.
Carter’s eyes move around the plane, slowly taking them all in before movement from the back draws them. A smile curves his lips, and for just a moment, he forgets the others. Ember is standing at the opening of the hallway and she is looking at Joe with soft, love-filled eyes. Another man might be jealous, but not Carter; he knows he owns her heart and he loves that she loves his unit, or as she calls them, her tribe. She looks up and grins at him, and he can do nothing other than return it.
He tears his gaze from her and then notices Celt shaking his head. “Yer a lovesick fool.” Carter shakes his head in agreement. “‘Tis good to see.”
Ember sits, and Celt winks at her before turning back to the hand-held game system in his hand. His fingers move at the speed of light as he plays his game, grumbling under his breath.
Ember threads her fingers through Carter’s, and he thinks, no, wishes they could all have exactly what he has. Her head lays on his shoulder, and he rests his against her, letting his eyes drift closed as she gives his hand a gentle squeeze.
Her eyes are drifting like his did moments ago. She sees so much more than they think she does. She worries more than they know. But she has a plan. A sly smile curves her lips as she thinks about it. When she refocuses, pushing the idea running through her head away, she sees Adder watching her, his head moving slowly from side to side.
She gives him an innocent look, which he doesn’t buy for one second. He shakes his head again before leaning his head back against the seat and closing his eyes. Everyone uses the long flight time to get some uninterrupted rest, everyone except Carter, who keeps a close eye on Bot. He sees the minute the dreams start.
He shifts Ember slightly, and she wakes immediately. He nods at the younger man. She looks towards the back of the plane and sees the frown creasing Bot’s face, watches him jerk in his sleep. Carter stands and makes his way quietly back to Joe, who has straightened.
He squats beside his best friend, and they talk quietly as the others begin to shift in their seats. No one touches Bot as he starts to fight his demons; they all just watch with shadows of their own demons in their eyes.
Ember watches with her heart breaking.
It doesn’t take long before he comes awake with a shout that causes them all to flinch. His eyes are wild until they focus on Joe and Carter. Instantly they fill with shame, but both men shake their head.
“We are almost there, kid.” They don’t say an
ything about the nightmare.
The others pretend to be engrossed with other things, protecting one of their own. He takes several deep breaths before he starts to relax. He turns his face to the window and stares out, not saying a word for the rest of the flight.
The tension is stretched tight as a drum when the pilot finally announces their descent.
There is a car waiting when the plane lands, and the team circles Bot as if he is a client. But in reality, they are all just on alert for him to run. They all know that Colin hasn’t been home since they all separated and started the security firm. He’s on his home turf and could do a runner and disappear.
Bot wants to roll his eyes at their insanity but refrains as Ember links her arm with his. She looks up, and he nods at her. A silent promise. A promise to see this through as best as he can. It won’t include seeing James’ family.
The door opens on the car, and he sees his mom sitting in the back seat. Ever the stoic British woman that she is, there are no tears as her head turns in his direction. She scoots across the seat and climbs out. She doesn’t speak to him but instead goes directly up to Carter and hugs him tightly. Their voices are low, and Bot doesn’t try to hear. Why bother he knows it’s about him?
He does hear her say ‘thank you,’ and it makes him feel like shit. He knows he’s a shit son, but her gratitude for them dragging him here just highlights how much of one he is. Joe’s hand comes down hard on his shoulder and squeezes it for a minute before releasing then pushing him forward gently.
“It’s time, Bot.” Joe looks down at his friend, the little brother he never had. “We will be around. If you need us.”
Bot can only nod his head. How does one act when one is heading out to face demons that could destroy them? He doesn’t know.
“Go rest. You’ve earned it, Colin. You deserve it.” Ember leans her head against his shoulder and squeezes his forearm before stepping away to Carter. His mom holds out her hand, and he takes it. She smiles up at him and memories of holding her hand when he was little play through his mind.
Chapter Five
It’s been weeks. Colin stares out the window, watching as people move down the street. His mother watches from the crack of the open door, worry clouding her eyes that match her son’s. He has barely left the room and is silent most of the time. Except at night. At night, he cries out for his friend, for help, and then he paces until morning.
Each morning, she forces him to eat, and then he returns to the chair and stares out at the street. She turns away quietly, then heads to her bedroom, closing the door. Sitting on the bed, she cries silently into her hands. She has no idea how to help her boy.
He’s only getting worse. A door slams, and she jerks, her head turning to her own door. Colin is the only one in the house. His footsteps pause outside her door before continuing down the stairs. She waits a moment then rises, crossing to her bathroom. Cold water splashing over her face washes away the tears and hides some of the redness.
Taking a deep breath, she straightens her spine and leaves her room, going down the stairs to find her baby. He has been the most important thing in her life since the day he was born. She stops on the bottom step, looking at the picture of James and Colin. It seems to be from another life. She supposes it could be, depending on how you think of it. There is the ‘before James died’ and the ‘after James died.’
She’s read everything on survivor’s guilt, but it hasn’t helped her help him. She finds him standing at the garden door, staring out of it.
“Colin?”
He turns, and she sees rage and a soul-deep sadness on his face.
“What’s wrong?” She knows but she hopes today he will be able to answer.
He shakes his head, his teeth grinding together. “I saw them.”
She sighs, but this time, it’s in relief. “Candace and Margot?” She knew but again hoped he’d be able to talk about it a little.
He nods and turns back to the window. She hesitates but can’t stop herself from going to him. She wraps her arms around him, laying her cheek against his shoulder. He stiffens for a second but then he relaxes against her a little.
“Did you tell them?” He whispers the question.
“No, baby, I didn’t.” She hugs him tighter for a second as he relaxes even more. “You asked me not to and I haven’t, but…”
Bot shakes his head. “I can’t, mom.”
“They really want to talk to you. They want to hear what happened from you.” She holds him tight as he tries to get away from her and away from her words. “They need to hear the details from someone who loved him as much as they do. Someone who misses him as much.”
He stares out, unable to respond to her. Tears burn at his eyes. Tears that he’s kept at bay for years.
“They made a memorial for him; you should visit.” He shakes his head at her suggestion. The very thought of going and sitting at some depressing headstone with his name engraved on it makes him so angry and so guilty he can’t even see straight.
She lets him go as he pulls away. He stalks out the door into the garden and starts to pace. She doesn’t go to him, doesn’t try to stop him as he throws over her chairs. He will fix it all when he’s done, just like he has numerous times since he arrived.
Her phone vibrates, and she reaches back, pulling it from her pocket to look at the screen. It’s Joe, checking in like he has every day. She answers, pulling the doors closed so Colin can’t hear her.
“He’s out in the garden.”
“Tearing up your furniture again?” He chuckles, but she can hear the worry under the humor.
“A little, but he always fixes it. I’m not sure this is going to work. I think... I might be making it worse,” she admits while wiping away the tears that have pooled at the edge of her lashes.
“No, you aren’t, ma’am. He just doesn’t have work to bury himself in, so it’s all there staring him in the face.”
She kind of hates his softer tone, wishing for the joking Joe, not the sincere one.
Colin turns and looks at her, regret stamped on his face.
“I need to go; he’s calming down.”
She doesn’t need to say anymore. Joe knows what comes next. He’s felt everything the kid is feeling and took it all out on his family and friends. Still does, sometimes.
They hang up with quick goodbyes, and she opens the door to the garden as she slides the phone back in her pocket.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” He starts to crumple, and once again, she rushes to wipe away her baby’s tears, all while murmuring softly to him.
He lets her hold him for a long time before finally pulling away and moving to right the chairs he threw across her small garden. He doesn’t say anything when he passes her to go back inside, but his hand reaches out and grabs hers, squeezing it for just a second before he retreats back to his room.
It’s not much, but she will take it.
Chapter Six
Bot shakes his head even as he holds it in his hands. The sun has set and he’s been leaning against the wall for hours, since he left his mom in the garden. He hates seeing the look of pity on her face.
“I should leave.” His words are whispered and filled with self-loathing.
Pushing up, he grabs his bag from the closet at his left and throws it on the bed. He stands, listening to his mom moving around in her bedroom. He hates that this is going to break her heart.
How can he stay though? “I’ll end up hurting her.”
His phone vibrates, and he looks down. He’s been ignoring everyone’s calls, but this is a number from close to home. Erik.
“Hey. Where have you been, Bot?” Erik’s voice is hard. “I’ve been trying to reach you. I asked your entire team, but they had nothing to say.”
“I’m visiting my mom.” He doesn’t elaborate.
“So you’re close. Good. I could use your help. We are getting ready to go pull some girls out. We found an auction right here in London.”
Bot closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. More women and kids being forced to do unspeakable things.
“Send me the address. I’ll leave in five.” He pushes the end button then turns and grabs some things, throwing them into the bag. The text comes through in seconds.
He is silent as he moves down the hallway, stopping in the kitchen to write a quick note to his mom. An apology for once again breaking her heart.
Then he slips out the door and into the night. He’s down the street in less than a minute and to the train station in five, just fast enough to catch the last train into the city. He sits alone after turning off his phone, his back against the wall, eyes darting around the car.
There are only a few stops between his town and London a few people get on. Mostly drunks looking to get home, and all of them give him a wide berth.
Erik is waiting as he climbs the stairs at the station. He nods and then follows the man to a car.
“The team is already in place. We’re down a man because of an injury.” Erik glances at Bot in the passenger seat. “Are you good?”
“Five by five,” Bot responds instantly with the military slang, knowing Erik won’t believe he’s perfect or even near it.
He looks at the man driving, daring him to say otherwise.
“Why wouldn’t anyone tell me where you were?” Erik’s eyes narrow slightly.
“I told them I didn’t want to be found. I needed a break.” He watches, making sure Erik believes him.
The man slowly nods before turning his face back to the road. “Well, I’m glad you answered.” He glances at his watch. “The auction is set to start in thirty minutes. We have just enough time to get there and get you geared up.”
“Do you have a van for me?” Bot asks, not expecting the answer he gets.
“No, man, we need you to go in with us.”