“That yes, but I love the memory that comes with it.” I smile. “When I turned sixteen, Maddie and Elle wanted to get me a gift. But they were thirteen and in trouble so my parents of course, instead of grounding them, cut them off. Cut up all their credit cards and everything. Well anyway, they wanted to buy me something but they had no money so they each sold a purse and went to some discount store and bought the first bottle of cologne they saw.” I smile remembering how excited they were giving it to me. “I do like the smell, but I wear it to this day because it reminds me of them. It makes me happy to know that regardless of how cold our parents were, those two girls have hearts of gold.”
“It’s because of you Sam,” she tells me. “They took after you.”
“Maybe,” I shrug. “But I think you’re giving me too much credit.”
“I don’t think I am,” she says softly, leaning forward. “You have such a good heart and you don’t even see it.”
Without thinking about it, I reach up and brush a stray curl out of her face. Her eyes drift closed as my fingers graze her cheekbone. Her face is so close to mine I can count every freckle. She has more now that we spend so much time out on in the sun. There’s my favorite one, perched right on the peak on her cupid’s bow. And another, on the corner of her mouth that disappears when she smiles. Her lips part as she sucks in a soft breath. It would be all too easy to press my lips to that freckle. The band moves from an up-tempo beat to a slow and soft melody. Bree’s bright eyes open slowly, lazily meeting my gaze.
“Dance with me,” I tell her, holding out my hand.
She eyes me carefully, but places her hand in mine. A heavy tension falls over us as I lead her to the dance floor. I pull her close and I can see it as clearly in her eyes as I can feel it in my bones. My hand falls to the small of her back and hers onto my shoulder like pieces falling into place. Our eyes stay locked together as we begin to sway, begin to fall. She is all I see, all I feel, all I know in this moment. We move slowly, leisurely as she drifts closer. The world around us blurs and fades away, leaving us alone in our own little cloud. I read in her eyes what I feel in my chest. For a moment, this isn’t wrong. For a second, the thought of her and I is a possibility. Her heavy gaze is a siren’s call and I am entranced by her, unable to think past this fog. Before I can think about what I’m doing, I’m pulling her closer. Or maybe she’s pulling me closer. Our lips drift just inches apart and my head swims. I’m drunk on the feeling she gives me.
But the song ends, and wave of cold reality comes crashing back over us.
She quickly pulls away from me, her eyes wide. A sudden rush of guilt washes over me at the disappointed look on her face.
“Aubree, I-”
“I’m gonna go get some air,” She breathes in a tense breath, pushing her hair out of her face. She turns on her heel and starts dodging her way through the crowd.
***
Bree
I snatch a gin and tonic off a passing waiter’s tray as I push my way through the throng of people and out into the hallway. I down it in two large gulps. Champagne isn’t strong enough to burn this feeling away. Neither is the gin.
I find an empty stairwell and slump against the wall, sliding down until my butt hits a stair. I sigh, raking my fingers through my hair roughly until all the pins fall out and it’s a mess of waves. I have a foggy, hypertensive chill I can’t shake. Like the feeling you get when you wake with a start from one of those dreams where you’re falling.
Only I really was falling, I have been falling. And I just woke up with a splat on the dance floor.
Never in my life have I felt this kind of attraction, that kind of intense draw to another person. I’ve seen it in movies and read about it in my smutty romance novels, but I thought that mindless, magnetic attraction was overhyped and underrated. I convinced myself that what Ryan and I had-and had is most definitely past tense-was real. That it was as good as it was going to get.
But real or not, Ryan is my husband. And I made a vow to him to be faithful, regardless of the dirt he smears on his vows. I cannot justify my infidelity with his. I cannot bring myself to cross the lines that he has trampled on. Not because I’m in love with him, because I don’t know if what we had was real love, but because I don’t break promises.
I hear footsteps and I know that it’s Sam coming to find me. He’s too good to let me leave without a thorough apology.
He rounds the corner, eyes wide and slightly out of breath, “Aubree, I am so-”
“Don’t say you’re sorry Sam,” I cut him off quickly, meeting his wide eyes.
He stops short, his dark eyebrows drawing in over moss-colored eyes. “I don’t want you to think-”
“My mind has well been made up about you,” I say standing up and closing the distance between us. I stop a foot away from him. “I assure you, there isn’t a negative thought to it.”
His demeanor softens, but his eyes still struggle with what he wants to say. He steps slowly forward and reaches for my left hand. He holds it in both of his, the line between his eyebrows deepening slightly.
“I want to apologize,” his eyes meet mine, “for not being more respectful.”
I don’t ask him to clarify. I know what he means when he brushes his thumb over my empty ring finger.
I stare back defiantly, “If you apologize, then you’re saying you take it back. That you didn’t want it to happen.”
“I didn’t want this to happen, Aubree,” he says sharply, taking one last step forward. His body now pressed to mine, his hand gently grasping my shoulders, his eyes burn into mine and he sees straight into my soul. “I didn’t want to fall in love with a married woman. I didn’t mean to feel this way about you, but I do and I feel guilty and wrong, but don’t think for one moment that I take it back. Don’t think for one moment that you haven’t turned my world upside down and absolutely wrecked me.”
“You don’t mean that. You do not love me, Sam.” An angry rush of tears floods my eyes. I’m suddenly livid with him. We were hiding it so well! Dancing just beyond the point of no return. But we can’t just go back to being friends. We can’t pretend he didn’t just tell me he loves me.
“Yes, Aubree, I do!” He cups my face in his hands when I try to look away. “And I know you love me too.”
I close my eyes, tears spilling down my cheeks. “I don’t,” I whisper, stubbornly.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”
I open my eyes and search his. I look for answers because he has them all. I look for a solution because he seems to think there is one. But there’s not. His face blurs as more tears stream down my face, “I can’t.” I whisper.
“Then be with me,” He pleads. “I’ll never hurt you, Aubree, I will never treat you the way he does.”
“You don’t know that,” I shake my head fiercely. “He hates me and I deserve every bit of it. I don’t deserve for you to love me, Sam. Not with this mess I’ve made.”
“How could you say that?” He asks, his brows furrowed. “What could you possibly have done that was so wrong?”
I turn away from him, needing to put some space between us. He lets me have it. I wipe the tears off my face and compose myself with a deep breath. When I feel ready, I turn to face him again. “Can we leave?”
He nods, holding out his hand. I take it, knowing it will be the last time I do, and let him lead me away.
***
Sam takes me to his house, but we don’t go inside. I slip off my shoes at his back door and we walk out onto the dark beach. We sit in the dark for a while, neither of us speaking. He places his hand on my back and it grounds me, calms me. It gives me the courage to tell him everything.
“Ryan and I started dating when I got out of high school.” I begin, “He was a summer fling. We were good friends more than anything. I loved him, but I was never in love with him. I don’t think he was ever in love with me either.
I heave a deep breath and go on with a sigh.
>
“The week I got accepted to Columbia, I found out I was pregnant.” I spare a glance at Sam, but I can only see his outline in the dark. “When my parents found out, my mom put me in the car and took me straight to an abortion clinic.” I scoff, remembering the day perfectly. “She told me we were going in for a checkup; I didn’t realize what was going on until we were there.
“I was furious. This was my child, I wouldn’t do that and the fact that she was so adamant about it just...enraged me. She told me if I didn’t go through with it, she would cut me off, take me off her healthcare. She tried to give me no choice. So instead, I convinced Ryan that we should get married. He’s in the army and we would get benefits and I could have insurance, it just seemed to make sense. He wasn’t crazy about the idea, but he was so excited about the baby, he didn’t care.
“So we went to the courthouse and got married, got a house and... well we really bonded over the baby. We were both surprisingly excited to be parents, but Ryan especially... God, he was so ecstatic to be a dad. He just kept saying over and over how this was going to be the best thing he would ever do in this life.”
I pause, taking a deep breath before I go on. I’ve never told this story before. I’ve never spoken out loud what really happened.
“So you have a child together,” Sam says as if he suddenly understands.
Tears threaten my eyes again and I run my hands roughly over my face.
“No. We don’t.” I rasp, my chest constricting tightly. “I was five months pregnant when I lost the baby.”
I go on, talking through the tears now streaming down my face. “I was tired all the time and I got dizzy spells. I went to the doctor, but he said it was normal, to carry on like normal and rest when I needed to. Ryan begged me to stop working, but we needed the money and I was too proud to ask my parents for anything.
“I walked upstairs into the storeroom at work one night, and I got dizzy and fell down the stairs. There was this horrible pain and I knew something was wrong. I had gone into early labor, and because it was so early in the pregnancy, our son, J-Jackson. He was stillborn-”
I can’t go on any further, sobs rack my body harder than they ever have. Sam wraps me in his arms and holds me while I fall apart all over again.
It’s my fault, it was all my fault.
“No, Aubree no. How can you blame yourself for this?” He asks when I can finally breathe. “You couldn’t have known, there was no way. This isn’t your fault, it’s not.”
He says it with such conviction, I almost believe him. Almost.
“But it is,” I whisper weakly. “They determined that I have cervical incompetence, basically my body can’t handle being pregnant. I go into labor too soon and the baby can’t survive. So it is my fault and I can’t blame Ryan for hating me the way he does. Not only did I lose the baby but there’s nearly no chance of ever having another without losing it too.”
“Aubree,” I can hear the heartache in his voice. He cups my face in his hands. This close, with the light of the moon I can just barely see his eyes. “You can’t blame yourself and I don’t care what you say, he has no right to blame you either. He has no right to treat you this way, you don’t deserve it.”
I shake my head, “I do, I-”
“No, what you deserve is to be loved. Fiercely loved. You don’t deserve this punishment, Aubree you should be cherished. Every day I’ve spent with you has been the best day of my life and I don’t care what you’ve done, or what you blame yourself for, I love you regardless. And I swear to God Aubree, I will not stop until you realize that you are worth so much more. I will not rest until you aren’t just going through life surviving, but living and happy.”
I don’t have any words so I close the distance between us and press my lips to his. He kisses me back deeply, his hands diving into my hair and pulling me closer. I pour everything I wish I could say and everything I wish we could be into this kiss. I tell him I love him, I tell him I’m sorry. I tell him I wish we were possible, but we aren’t. We can’t be. Not while I’m still married to another man.
This kiss is I love you, and it’s goodbye.
“In another life, we meet young,” I tell him, resting my forehead against his, my eyes still closed while I dream. “We grow up together, your sisters are my best friends and you bring out the goodness in my brother. When we get older, we fall in love. We go to school together somewhere across the country, and then we get married. We have children and then grandchildren and then great-grandchildren. We live a long, simple life and we never stop loving each other.”
“But in this life?” He whispers. I open my eyes and wish I hadn’t. The look in his breaks me.
“In this life, we have a beautiful, tragic love affair.” I stand up and walk into the darkness, leaving my only light behind me.
***
Sam
She’s gone before I can stop her.
I know it was goodbye, I could see it on her face when she looked at me. I couldn’t bring myself to go after her, to call her or try to change her mind, because I know she needs space to figure out what her next move is. She deserves to decide for herself if she is going to stay with Ryan or leave him. And regardless of her choice, she needs time to deal with whatever path she chooses.
I sit there on the dark beach for a long time, thinking about the past few months I have been able to spend with Bree. I think about how quickly I fell in love with her, and I wonder if she will ever cross my path again. I don’t know if I believe in fate or soul mates. But I do believe that I will never meet another woman like her, and anyone that comes after her will only fall short.
She destroyed me, wrecked me. But I wouldn’t have it any other way; because just the chance to be with her for a short few months and fall for her completely, it was more than most people get in this life.
After a while, dawn begins to light the water before me. Just as the sun begins to peak over the horizon, movement to my left catches my eyes. My heart leaps thinking it might be her, but it’s Madison.
She’s clutching a piece of paper in her hands so tight it's crumpled and tears are streaming down her face. She falls to the ground beside me and holds out the letter.
“What is it, what’s wrong?” I look from the paper to her face.
“What does this mean, Sam?” she hands the letter to me and wipes her eyes. “What’s a mobilization alert?”
By the look on her face, she already knows.
“It means the rumors in my unit were true,” I tell her as calmly as I can as I read the remainder of the letter. “It means I’m getting deployed overseas. I leave in a few months.”
***
Bree
I walk all the way home. My house is only a few miles down the beach from Sam’s. I sit down on the dunes behind my house for hours once I get there. I sit and I think through it all, sifting through the events of the last year slowly. Analyzing each aspect for what feels like the first time.
Sam is right. He is right about it all.
Losing Jackson will always feel like my fault. There may never come a day I don’t blame myself. But maybe, just maybe, is that because of Ryan? Is it because he has blamed me day after day for almost a year? Probably.
I don’t know whether or not I deserve that blame. I used to think I did, but there’s something about being loved unconditionally in your darkest moments that can give you hope that you’re not as undeserving as you once thought. And Sam has given me so much more than hope.
He has made me feel like I can live, not just survive.
I hear a door open and close behind me. I don’t look back, I just assume it’s the neighbors. Which is why I’m so surprised when Ryan sits down next to me on the sand. He folds his hands in his lap and stares wordlessly at them for a long time.
“You look beautiful in that dress Bree,” He says softly. “I should have told you that before. I should have done a lot of things.”
I don’t know what to say to him, so I say nothi
ng. I don’t know where this is coming from, or how to feel about the soft demeanor I haven’t seen in a year. I see him look at me out of the corner of my eye.
“I can’t get past losing Jackson,” He tells me. “And I know it hurts you too, and I hurt you. But I can’t look at you without seeing everything we’ve lost, and everything we will never be able to have. I feel stuck. Trapped.”
Silent tears being to stream down my face. I can’t take any more of this blame, I can’t take any more of this hate from him. He begins to speak again but I cut him off, the words rushing out of me, strong and sure.
“I want a divorce,” I tell him firmly.
Ryan is quiet for a long time before he speaks again. I sneak a glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He’s staring at his hands, contemplating what to say.
“Can you wait a year?” He asks finally. “If you want to start dating, that’s fine but I can’t start a divorce process right now.”
My face heats as rage like I have never felt pours over me. Hatred for this man courses through my veins. “First off, Ryan, I will not ‘start dating’ while I am married. I’m not you. Despite what you may do and how you may feel, I would like to treat our marriage with respect and not spit on it the way you do.” My voice starts out calm but my patience waivers with each word until I’m screaming at him. “And how dare you ask me to wait a year? You have put me through a living hell for the past year for something I had no control over! I can’t get you to stop blaming me and hating me for losing Jackson but have you thought for one damn minute that I’m hurting too? That I lost a child too and I will never be able to have another? I will not wait, Ryan I want a divorce dammit and I am not asking nicely.”
“I’m going overseas.” He says simply. “I joined up with a unit that’s deploying in a few months. It’s going to be nearly impossible to get a divorce right now, Bree and it’s in your best interest to be married to me while I’m deployed. I will get more dependent pay, I can help with your nursing school. If anything happens to me, you’ll get a check.”
A Sea of Lies Page 10