Heartfelt Lies

by Alexandra Christopher

  "She'll come around, just give her some time," he attempts to reassure me.

  "I don't know," I shake my head. "Even if she does come back, I'm scared she'll never speak to me again. It's been over two weeks since I've seen her. Every night I send her a text, telling her how much I love her, and miss her. Not once has she responded."

  "Hang in there. It won't be easy, but she'll forgive you. You're too damn pretty for her to stay mad at forever," he winks.

  "Come on, smartass, let's get out of here. You're starting to smell up the place." I wrinkle my nose, feigning disgust.

  Jax laughs it off good naturedly. We hop up and turn out the lights before locking the shop door.

  "Same time tomorrow?" he asks, stopping just inside the privacy fence.

  I don't really want to commit to any plans, but I know I need to crawl out of the hole I've been surviving in. Jax is a good friend. I know he's trying to help, he'll hold me accountable, too. Mom's words replay in my mind, reminding me I need to start taking better care of myself.

  "Sounds good. I'll see ya then."

  "Later, man," Jax waves, before stepping through the gate and closing it behind him.

  It's quiet when I step back inside the house. I find a note from Mom on the kitchen counter, telling me they went out for dinner.

  After making a protein shake, I go straight to my room and take a hot shower. It's still not dark yet when I get out, but all the days without sleep are starting to catch up to me. I decide to forgo dinner and catch up on some more much needed sleep. I've just thrown on a pair of shorts and laid down in bed, when it comes to mind. I don't remember locking the doors when I left my house this morning.

  There's no way I can lay here and fall asleep without checking. I can't take a chance on Lily showing up over there again. She's wrecked my life, my love, and our friendship. My house is the only thing left. If she catches it open with me gone, she'll probably wreck it, too.

  Groaning in annoyance at myself, I climb out of bed and slide into my tennis shoes. I grab a t-shirt and pull it over my head as I run down the stairs, taking them two at a time. My parents walk in, just as I'm plucking my wallet and keys off the kitchen counter.

  "Where you headed?" Dad asks.

  "I need to check the doors at my house. I don't remember locking them when I left this morning. With Lily acting the way she is, I don't want to take a chance on her stopping by there and finding the doors unlocked."

  "You're right. That probably wouldn't end well." He shakes his head. "Want me to ride with you?" he asks.

  "No, I'm good. It'll be a quick trip. I just want to do a quick walk through. I'll be back in no time."

  I roll my window down on the drive over, breathing in the fresh evening air. I slow my truck as I approach Ella's house. The sun is starting to set, casting a warm orange glow against the white siding. I know I'll see the same thing I always do, an empty driveway and closed garage door. Still, each day as I drive past, I can't help but hope it'll be the day that's different.

  As I get closer, movement catches my eye. I see Ms. Ann running out the front door, and down the porch steps, a huge smile covering her face. There could only be one reason for the pure joy radiating off her.

  I hit my brakes, coming to a complete stop in front of her house, my heart thumping rapidly inside my chest. I take, a long deep breath as I stare down at my steering wheel, trying to calm my nerves.

  I raise my head, swallowing the thick lump in my throat. Slowly, turning my head to the left, I'm greeted with the beautiful face that's haunted me for the past seventeen days. Ella stands next to her car inside the open garage door.

  Red rimmed eyes return my stare, her lips part to speak, but no words are spoken. She shakes her head subtly from side to side before I see the first tear slide down her cheek.

  She can't even stand the sight of me. That's my cue to leave. I've already caused her enough pain. I release the brake and slowly coast forward to the end of the street. What's left of my heart is telling me to never give up but my brain tells me it's over.

  25

  Ella

  Gram and I have just returned from my therapist's office. I know I'm going to need help working through this, so I asked her to join me. It was my first visit since returning to Gale two weeks ago. I had put it off far longer than I should have.

  In all honesty, I think I was scared of what she would say. I wasn't ready to let go of any of the hurt or anger I've been carrying around with me this past month. When Gram told me that Jack Kingsley wanted to see me, I refused, said no way. She then insisted Lily's accusation was misleading and begged me to hear him out, insisted it was for my own good. When I finally agreed, I knew I needed some professional advice and a lot of support from Gram.

  After an hour-long session, we decided that without speaking to him, I couldn't truly start to heal. There's still so much I don't know. It needs to all be laid out in the open before I can start to pick up the pieces. Plus, I really don't think I could withstand any more surprises. Once I know everything, I can start to move past it, once and for all. The longer I put it off, the longer it will take me to heal.

  I'm tired of avoiding everyone, scared of what I'll hear. The inside of this house is starting to feel more like a jail cell. I'll also be starting cosmetology school soon, so I need a clear head.

  Needing some fresh air, I decide to go sit on the porch swing for a while. I'd love nothing more than to throw on some tennis shoes and pound the pavement all the way to the river. I'm not that brave yet, though. I don't know what I'd do if I were to come face to face with Kohl.

  The pull I have for him is still as strong as it was the first day we met. When he stopped on the street the night I got back, I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms, to soak up the comfort only he can provide. His pale green eyes were filled with anguish and regret. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but in the same breath I wanted to send him away. The war within myself almost brought me to my knees. When I couldn't stop the tears that filled my eyes and fell down my cheeks, he made the decision for me. I scurried inside with my head held down and I couldn't watch as his truck pulled away.

  "Gram, I'm going to go sit on the front porch!" I yell into the living room.

  "Okay, sweet pea."

  As soon as I step out the door, I see it. A huge blue hydrangea bloom. Only this time it's accompanied by more than a simple piece of paper. This, time it's sitting next to a black velvet box, tied with shiny pale blue ribbon.

  I stand here, unable to move. My breathing shallow, as I imagine Kohl here in my space not long ago. I step softly over to the table, before cautiously lifting the flower to my nose. The smell reminds me of him, of the last time he left me a sweet note, tied to another fragrant blue bloom. I can't help but smile at the memory.

  I pick up the velvet box next, carrying them both over to the swing. I place the box on the seat next to me and push off the polished concrete with my right foot, setting the swing in motion. I lay the flower on my lap and begin to carefully unwind the string that attaches the note. I continue the steady back and forth motion of the swing as I pull the knot apart. When separated, I toy with the small folded paper between my fingers as I enjoy the cool air blowing through my hair. After, a few minutes, I'm ready to read what's written inside.

  Planting my feet firmly down, the swing comes to an immediate stop. I carefully open the folded paper and smooth it out across my leg before reading it.

  Ella,

  This was meant for your birthday. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to give it to you.

  Forever and a day,

  Kohl

  I pick up the gift box next and see a small white card tucked under the shiny ribbon. Pulling it out, I read the typed message, SO THEY'RE ALWAYS CLOSE TO YOUR HEART. I read the message twice more, trying to decipher its meaning. Curious, I pull the ribbon loose and open the box without further wait. I find a beautiful locket lying inside. It's a large silver oval w
ith intricate engraving. It's absolutely stunning. My breath catches when I separate the clasp, finding a picture of my mom on one side and my dad on the other.

  I grasp the locket in my hand and hold it against my chest. This is without a doubt the most beautiful and thoughtful gift I've ever received.

  "What do you have there?"

  I lift my head at the sound of Gram's voice. Opening my hand, I reveal the stunning silver necklace. "I found it on the table." I say, nodding toward the wooden table that sits next to the front door. "Kohl left it for me. It was meant for my birthday."

  "It sure is pretty. Is this from him too?" she asks, picking up the hydrangea bloom, bringing it to her nose.

  "Yeah," I nod. "Open it," I say, passing her the locket.

  She takes a seat next to me before parting the clasp. When she sees the pictures inside, a reminiscent smile takes over her face. "This is pretty special, huh?"

  "It is. I just can't imagine the guy that lied to me all those months giving me something that holds so much meaning. He put a lot of thought into it."

  "That he did," she agrees. "You know Ella, none of us are without faults. We all make mistakes It's those mistakes that are made out of the fear of hurting the ones we love that are worthy of forgiveness." She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. "You know what I think? I'd say he found himself in quite a tough spot. He held the cards that could crush the girl he fell in love with." She smiles at me sadly. "Kohl and I… we both withheld that same information from you. I did it because you'd told me you weren't ready to hear more, it was never intentional. He did it partly for the very same reason, I'm sure. So, let me ask you this. Is all this anger you're directing at Kohl because of what he did, or are you holding him accountable for his father's mistakes, too?"

  "I… I don't know to be honest. I've not really thought about it that way. I guess that's something I need to figure out, too."

  "You'll get there. You're a smart girl." Gram pats my hand before rising from the porch swing. "I'm going to refill my bird feeders. You gonna be okay out here?"

  "I'll be fine, Gram." I give her a reassuring smile. "I think it's time to pull my sneakers on and go for a run, it's when I do some of my best thinking."

  I watch as she makes her way down the porch steps, through the gate, and into the back yard. I go up to my room and get dressed for a run. It's been far too long and it's time to pull my head from the sand and take back control of my life.

  I'm halfway to the river when I hear the rumble of his truck. I don't have to look to know it's him. I've been hearing that familiar sound pass by my window every morning and night since my return to, Gale, Kentucky.

  The closer he gets, the more anxious I become. The thought of seeing him again, has butterflies fluttering wildly in my stomach. I slow my steps to a slow jog, afraid of tripping over my own two feet.

  By the time his truck passes me by, I've come to a complete stop. He must have been working. His face is smudged with dirt and his overlong hair is sticking out the bottom of a navy-blue cap. I know he must have noticed me running along the sidewalk in my neon yellow shirt, but he never looks my way. I don't know why that crushes me, but it does.

  I want to turn around and make my way back home, hide out in my room and cry it out. However, I've been doing a little too much of that this past month, so I continue on, one small step at a time until I'm once again, jogging at a brisk pace.

  I sit down at the river until sunset, reflecting on every aspect of life. My hopes and dreams, my goals, my newfound family I hope to expand one day. I've come so far from the person I was six months ago. I'm happier, stronger. So, why am I letting one piece of information tear my world apart and send me into a tailspin again?

  I have no control over what happened that tragic night all those years ago. There's nothing I can do to turn back time and change what happened. All I can do is keep pushing forward to make a better future for myself. I don't want to be like my mom, I refuse to become a product of my past.

  When I get back home, I'll have Gram make the call. Tomorrow will be the day I speak to Jack. Tomorrow will be the day I learn the truth and learn to let it go.

  "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Gram asks.

  "As ready as I'll ever be," I shrug.

  "We can call this whole thing off, you know. It's not too late," she offers.

  "No." I shake my head. "It's time," I answer seriously.

  "Well, it sounds like they're here. Why don't you go on into the living room and get comfortable? I'll see them in."

  I settle on the couch, a minute later Gram walks into the living room, Jack and Beth Kingsley following closely behind her. They each take a seat on the couch opposite me, as Gram settles in next to me.

  "I'd like to thank you for seeing me today, Ella. You're far braver than I've ever been," Jack states.

  "I know it'll be hard, but it's needed. I really don't see any other way around it."

  "Right. Well, I appreciate it nonetheless."

  I turn to Gram and start to speak before twisting back in Beth's direction briefly. "Would the two of you mind if Jack and I speak alone? I don't mean to be rude and I apologize if you feel as if I am. I just need this to be just the two of us. Plus, there's no need for you to relive this again," I say, directly to Gram.

  "Oh, Ella. I want to be here for you, you don't have to do this alone," she pleads.

  "I'll be alright, I promise. I'll call if I need you."

  She watches me, indecision in her eyes. "Are you sure?"

  I give a small nod and squeeze her hand in assurance. She and Beth silently leave the room, leaving me alone with Kohl's dad. I stare down at the swirly pattern decorating the rug below my feet, only lifting my head when he finally clears his throat.

  I look up into tortured eyes, just slightly darker than his sons. Seeing the pain hidden behind their pale surface sends a small pang of sympathy through my heart. I know this can't be easy for him either. Someone he loved lost his life, no matter where the fault lies.

  "I know I told you, your dad and I were best friends, like brothers. What I didn't mention, was that even though I was a year older, he was far more mature. He was the responsible one, the most dependable by far. I used to find myself in trouble. A lot. Anytime I called, he always came running to bail me out, which was often. I was an angry child from a very young age. I felt so helpless as I watched my mom work herself to the bone, day after day." He shakes his head, eyes distant, lost in the memories of his past. "So, I acted out, always causing trouble and getting into fights. As I got older, I started to drink. I drank way too much, trying to numb the hurt I carried, the guilt I felt from watching my mom struggle just to put food on the table." He blows out a breath before continuing. "I wasn't much older than you, when that anger got the best of me. We’d just had Kohl and I could see him experiencing the same childhood as me. Beth and I, we struggled hard in the beginning." He sighs, running a hand down his face.

  I remain silent, patiently waiting for him to continue.

  "Now, Bill and Ms. Ann would've helped us in a heartbeat. They tried, but I was young and let my pride get the best of me. It felt like everything was just piling up, creating one big mess I couldn't find my way out of. Add an infant on top of that… neither Beth, nor I could get a good night's sleep. One day ran into the next until I reached my breaking point. I drove a few towns over to a bar I knew never checked ID and I drank myself into oblivion. When the owner came in that night and tried to cut me off, I did what I always did, I picked a fight with the biggest asshole in the bar. Well, the biggest asshole other than myself." He laughs humorlessly. "That night though, I bit off more than I could chew, I just didn't know it at the time. The owner broke up the fight and told me to call a ride or he was calling the cops. So, I called your dad. He and Gwen had just left the movie theatre. He said they were on their way, no questions asked."

  I can see him starting to get choked up, so I stare down at my hands to give him some privacy with
his thoughts. When he speaks again, his voice is just above a whisper.

  "I sat at the bar and drank a glass of water then I decided to go outside. I wanted to get some air, I was trying to sober up. But, like usual, trouble had a way of following me. The guy I had beat up inside came stumbling out the door, only he wasn't alone, he brought a friend with him. I turned to make my way back inside the bar, but they weren't having it. His friend jerked me by the back of my shirt. The back of my head hit the ground so hard I was seeing stars. When I saw the malice on their faces, I knew in my gut things wouldn't end well. They were both on me before I even had a chance to react. Within a few minutes, I could barely move, but they weren't letting up. I honestly think they intended to beat me to death. For a lot of years, I wished they would have, but that didn't happen. Your dad showed up," he chokes out. Tears pour down his cheeks earnestly now. He takes a minute to compose himself before continuing.

  "Ryan showed up, saving my sorry ass like always. I know you've seen pictures of your dad, so you know he wasn't a little guy. He might’ve had a heart of gold, but he was tough as nails and mean as a snake when it came to protecting the people he loved. He had both guys off me in a matter of seconds. He was kneeling over me, when ‘the friend’ pulled himself off the ground. I saw the flash of silver out of the corner of my eye. I tried to push Ryan away, but I was too weak. That son of a bitch stabbed Ryan in the back with a large hunting knife that was tucked in his boot. He grabbed his side and fell to the ground almost instantly. I tried my best to get up—I promise you I did. My arm, and several ribs were broken, my right lung partially collapsed, but I fought through the pain. All I wanted to do was save my friend, my brother." His breaths leave him in small sobs now. I want to reach out and offer him comfort, but I'm frozen to the cushion beneath me.