by Sarah Noffke
“So then it’s a cookie?” Sophia questioned.
“Sure,” Lee answered. “But it’s also fairy-made fake snow that used to cover a mountaintop, so eat it at your own risk.”
“I wasn’t going to,” Sophia stated. “I wanted you to make an Oreo cake for Lunis for Christmas. Something huge that has to be delivered on a forklift. I know him well enough to know he wants something he can smash and eat for Christmas.”
“He and I aren’t so different,” Liv observed.
“Yeah, I guess I can make that for you,” Lee stated. “You want it by when?”
“Christmas,” Sophia answered flatly.
“Which is…” Lee began sketching on the pad of paper again.
“December twenty-fifth,” Sophia stated, her tone growing irritated.
“Of what year?” Lee continued to draw on the pad.
“This one,” Sophia quipped.
“Every year, I’m thinking,” Liv added.
“One final question.” Lee looked up with a serious expression. “Do you think chainsaws can cut through bone?”
“What does that have to do with my cake?” Sophia asked.
“I would think they could,” Liv mused, answering the question thoughtfully. “I mean, they can cut through a tree, so why not bones?”
Lee nodded. “Yeah, but some races’ bones tend to be a little denser.”
“True,” Liv chirped. “Like, I’d assume that a fae’s head is mostly skull with a very, very tiny brain.”
“Speaking of tiny brains,” Rudolf sang, striding back over. “I’m back and ready to help. Where were we?”
“You were going to give us an update on what’s happening in Las Vegas,” Sophia answered.
Rudolf nodded, rocked back on his heels, then forward. “Right. I’m happy to help. The update is that I have zero ideas what’s happening in Las Vegas because I don’t live there anymore.”
Chapter Sixty-Four
“You what?” Liv asked, shocked. “Las Vegas is where the fae kingdom is.”
“It was,” Rudolf corrected. “This is the twenty-first century. We don’t need a physical location anymore. The overhead is astronomical, and it gives all my citizens a way to find me.”
Liv lowered her chin. “You’re their king.”
He nodded. “I know, but they always have so many problems, and I think I’m enabling them. ‘King Rudolf Sweetwater, I lost all my money on blackjack. Help me.’ ‘King Rudolf Sweetwater, I have a drinking problem.’ ‘King Rudolf Sweetwater, the schools are awful.’”
“Those sound like real problems that you should help the fae with,” Sophia argued.
“Fae?” Rudolf questioned. “Oh, no. Those are the Captains. They complain incessantly. Captain Morgan drinks juice all day and then has to pee-pee all night. Captain Kirk doesn’t get how blackjack works. I think that is because Captain Silver is correct and the schools are awful.”
“Your children are strangely advanced for being so young,” Liv observed and added, “well, and also for being yours.”
“Well, the fae part of them is advanced,” Rudolf stated. “We mature quickly and abruptly plateau.”
“And immediately regress,” Liv stated.
“Why, thank you.” Rudolf grinned broadly. “Anyway, the fae always complain too. Stuff about the gambling, prostitution, and drugs that are so rampant in Las Vegas. It got me thinking.”
“That you should clean up the city and put some restrictions in place?” Lee guessed.
Rudolf gave her a look of surprise. “Heavens no. It made me realize that it was a horrible place to raise children. So I moved Serena and the Captains up to Canada where everyone is nice, and they never do anything because it’s too cold to go outside. Oh, and healthcare is free, but we don’t use it.”
“Because you have Heals Pills,” Liv suggested.
Sophia shook her head. “No, because he does his dentistry in the Apple store.”
“Exactly,” Rudolf stated. “So, as you can see, I don’t know what’s happening in Las Vegas. It really is full of the very worst.”
“It’s mostly fae,” Liv imparted.
“We’re the worst,” Rudolf agreed. “I decided to leave the life I used to know and love behind and pursue other efforts. I have Heals Pills and the water purification business with Lee. Oh, and Rory and I are going to work on a literacy program to help teach impoverished societies how to read.”
“Wow,” Liv said, impressed and surprised. “You’re becoming a good person.”
He nodded arrogantly. “I am. I’m one of the best people ever to live.”
“And so very humble too,” Sophia said dryly.
“Regardless, I’m proud of you, Ru,” Liv stated. “You’re making the world a better place despite all the horrible things you’ve done for centuries.”
“It’s true,” he agreed. “I’m making magicians not so repugnant-looking. I’m making tons of money off communities desperate to have clean water and willing to pay any price for it. And I’m undercutting Lee on the whole thing because she’s not smart enough to look at the bookkeeping.”
“Standing right here,” Lee said absentmindedly, still sketching on the pad of paper.
“The book that is the basis for our literary program is my autobiography, Somehow I Rule the World,” Rudolf explained. “It’s six hundred and twenty pages of fun facts about all the awesome things I’ve done.”
“I sort of want to read this,” Liv stated.
“Me too,” Sophia agreed. “The problem remains that we don’t know what’s happening in Las Vegas now.”
“I will tell you,” Rudolf began. “Those awful jerks on giant lizards were running a lot of underground operations when I left. The city had gone to hell so I was happy to leave it behind. Who knows who is running the place now?”
Sophia lowered her chin and regarded the king of the fae with hooded eyes. “The Rogue Riders are running it.”
“Good!” Rudolf exclaimed. “Let them drink the stale water in that place, and their children suffer from all the bad influences. Not I though. Nor Serena or the Captains.”
“They’re going to take over and turn it into the debauchery headquarters,” Sophia said, irritation heavy in her voice.
Liv nodded. “This does us little to figure out where to look for Trudy.”
“I think I can research another lead on that one.” Sophia chewed on her lip.
“Good,” Liv stated with relief as Rory the giant entered the Crying Cat Bakery, having to duck to clear the door.
“Oh, good.” Rudolf clapped. “You’re here for our meeting.”
Rory nodded and pushed his curly brown hair out of his face. He nodded politely to the others, the usual no-nonsense expression on his face. When his eyes connected with Liv, his gaze dropped to her midsection. His mouth popped open. Eyes widened.
“What?” He sounded surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me that you’re pregnant?”
Chapter Sixty-Five
“Pregnant?” Rudolf exclaimed.
Lee straightened.
Liv slumped.
Sophia simply watched.
“Well, now the secret’s out,” Liv muttered.
“How could you tell?” Rudolf looked between Rory and Liv. “Is it because she’s looking chubby?”
Liv’s eyes widened in horror. “I haven’t gained a pound yet. If anything, I’m losing weight from the morning sickness.”
Rudolf tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure? You’re looking kind of bloated.”
“Thanks,” Liv said dryly.
“I can tell because it’s obvious,” Rory stated matter-of-factly.
“For weird giants who can see things the rest of us can’t,” Liv mumbled.
“So who’s the father?” Rudolf asked quite seriously.
Liv rolled her eyes. “My husband. Stefan.”
Giving her a look of disbelief, Rudolf said, “Oh, are you two still together? I thought he dumped you for a fat gnome wh
en he fell off the bandwagon from his drug addiction.”
“None of that happened,” Liv stated dryly.
“Oh, well, that’s my prediction anyway,” Rudolf sang happily. “Anyway, congrats. I’m so excited I’m going to be a godfather.”
“You aren’t,” Liv said flatly.
“I want my godchild named Skye or Blue or…” Rudolf gasped. “We’re naming it Blue Skye. That will be a remarkable name for the child, even if it’s as ugly as its parents.”
Liv nodded. “I don’t even know where to begin with you, so let’s just go with sure. That all sounds great. You’re the godfather. The child’s name is Blue Skye, and you’re the smartest person in the world. All of those statements are facts, or none of them are.”
“Okay, I’ll draw up the documents for you to sign,” Rudolf said cheerfully, striding for the door. He turned once he’d swung it open and grinned. “I’m going to include a clause about how I get to cut the umbilical cord. Oh, and Serena has a breast pump you can borrow. The Captains can babysit when we go on dates with your new husband.”
“No, no, and what the hell?” Liv shook her head. “Stefan is my only husband.”
Rudolf shook his head, clicking his tongue. He looked directly at Sophia. “Will you please help your sister realize that she can do better than a womanizing drunk who thieves and gambles nonstop?”
“He’s a brave Warrior for the House of Fourteen who keeps the magical world safe,” Sophia argued.
Rudolf shook his head, looking disappointed. “He’s put his little spell on you too. Don’t worry. I’ll take you both in when you finally wake up to reality. You can live with us in Canada. We do nothing all day because…well, there’s nothing to do. It’s boring. Please move in.”
“Please leave.” Liv glanced at Rory, who grew increasingly stressed, his eyes teeming with tension.
“Okay, I’ll go draft a contract for you to sign,” Rudolf sang.
“I won’t,” Liv replied as he left.
“Well, congrats. That’s wonderful that you’re breeding. Hope your offspring is healthy, happy, blah, blah, blah.” Lee strode forward and pushed on Liv’s shoulder as the door swung shut. “Looks like it’s time for you to leave and not come back for nine months.”
Liv gave the baker assassin a quizzical expression. “What’s the deal, Lee?”
She exhaled. “It’s bad for business to have pregnant women in the bakery. You all tend to buy a ton of baked goods, especially the No-Nausea Nutella Crepes.”
“Those sound like exactly what I need,” Liv said excitedly. “I’ll take a half- dozen.”
Lee’s hands reached into the air. “Noooo. That’s what I’m saying. Pregnant women are the bane of my existence.”
“Because?” Sophia asked.
“Because they buy all the pastries. Then I have to bake more, and that’s annoying,” Lee answered.
“You run a bakery. Don’t you want to sell out of your inventory each day?” Liv asked.
“She doesn’t,” Sophia answered for her, having had this conversation with the assassin baker before. “She wants to do the bare minimum of work. The bakery is more of a cover than a real business.”
“For?” Liv pretended not to know.
“For money laundering,” Lee said, an edge of doubt in her voice as though she was pretty sure that wasn’t going to fly.
Liv tilted her head. “Try again.”
“It’s a tax write-off,” Lee stated. “I’ve been defrauding the government on taxes for decades. I owe bazillions.”
Liv shook her head. “Nope. Try one more time.”
“I murder people,” Lee admitted. “Horrible, awful, waste-of-space people, and I put them in the baked goods. Only the best parts and I ensure they provide magical advantages.”
Liv smiled victoriously. “Now, was that so hard?”
“Not really,” Lee admitted. “It felt good. Now get out.” She pointed at the door.
“I won’t buy all your pastries.” Liv held up her hands in surrender. “I do want some of those crepes.”
“You did hear the part about how there are dead people in the baked goods, right?” Rory whispered to Liv.
She nodded. “Bad people. I’ll eat a villain all day. At least then they go to good use.”
“Fine.” Lee trotted toward the back of the bakery. “You can have a few crepes, but nothing else after that. I don’t want to restock the case today…or tomorrow…well, really anytime this week. I have plans.”
“By plans, do you mean you’re killing people?” Liv asked.
“Yes…I mean no…” Lee shook her head. “This honesty thing is weird.”
When Lee had disappeared in the back, Rory swung around to face Liv, a super-serious expression on his face. “You’re in danger. If you’re pregnant, there’s a chance the baby has Stefan’s demon blood.”
Sophia drew in a breath. So Rory knew about Stefan. It wasn’t common knowledge since it would make many leery of the Warrior. There weren’t any other magicians who had survived a demon’s bite, and most would worry that he’d turn, but Renswick had been able to create the antidote.
“I know,” Liv said in a hushed voice. “I’m working on it though. We’re going to find out if the baby has demon blood. If he or she does, then we’re going to recover a genie lamp from the bottom of the ocean. Make a wish. Toss the lamp back in the water, then have a baby shower…well, after a real shower, of course. I hear genies are disgusting.”
“How?” Rory growled.
“How am I showering?” Liv asked. “That’s a bit personal. I don’t ask you how you floss with those huge hands. Really, how do you get into all those hard to reach places? Your knuckles are gigantic.”
“How are you going to get the genie’s lamp?” Rory asked.
“Oh.” Liv blinked. “Well, Sophia has a method.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I know a dragon that can dive deep in the ocean. The rider has agreed to help.”
“I have a better method,” Rory stated matter-of-factly. “My mum has a magical creature that will be easy and possibly more efficient.”
“The only drawback is that I have to talk to Bermuda Laurens, who hates my guts,” Liv said with a sigh.
“She doesn’t hate you,” Rory argued.
“Strongly prefers not to look at my face,” Liv corrected.
He shook his head. “She’s not good at showing her affections.”
“Yet you learned how to stop that family trait,” Liv teased.
The giant rolled his eyes. “When you find out about the baby, if you need to recover the genie’s lamp, go see mum. She’ll help.”
“Well, hopefully, we don’t have to, and everything is fine.” Liv interjected fake positivity in her voice.
Rory nodded. “I hope so, but prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”
“That’s pretty much my motto in life,” Liv imparted. “That and make all the bad guys die painfully slow.”
“You’re not still working are you?” Rory said in a rush.
“Of course I am.” Liv looked offended.
“You can’t,” Rory argued. “You’re pregnant. What if you get hit or several other things? The villains you face won’t know, and they might not take it easy on you.”
Liv laughed. “Tell me about it. The troll I fought this morning didn’t seem to care that I was hella nauseous.”
“Liv…” Rory said, a warning in his tone.
“Rory,” she replied, a similar edge in her voice. “I’m not going to put on a bathrobe and not do anything for the next nine months. I’m pregnant. So what? The baby will be fine, whether it’s a demon or not. Same goes for whether I work.” She indicated Sophia and her. “Our mother worked as a Warrior through all of her pregnancies.”
“Your mother is dead,” Rory argued, shaking his head.
“Because of her, the world is better,” Liv stated with determination. “Mortals can see magic again because of what she started. The magical world
is healing. Yes, our family suffered, but I won’t forget that she sacrificed her safety for a reason. I get why. She couldn’t simply sit and watch the world suffer. She knew that she risked everything by working, but if she didn’t, her children wouldn’t have a future. My child won’t either unless I get up every morning and fight, the way I have since I started as a Warrior for the House of Fourteen.”
He considered this and finally nodded. “Promise me that you’ll be careful.”
“I promise,” Liv said with a wide smile. “Now will you tell me the easiest way to subdue a rabid magical anaconda that’s loose in the sewers under New York?”
Rory’s eyes closed for a half-beat. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
Liv winked at Sophia. “Of course I am. The anaconda is loose in the Hudson River.”
Chapter Sixty-Six
Sophia smiled at Pricilla after crawling through the small door into the Official Brownie headquarters. She was the receptionist for the office, a mother, and Mortimer’s wife. It appeared her talents weren’t limited to that. The Brownie was currently wrapping up chocolate truffles covered in cocoa powder and expertly decorated with little holly leaves and snowflakes.
There were thousands of truffles all over the office. So many that the surface of Pricilla’s desk was unseen. Bits of colorful papers were stacked all around the space, and the Brownie’s head was barely visible over the boxes filled with wrapped candies.
“Hey there.” Sophia stood, but not all the way, or else she’d hit her head. “You look busy.”
The receptionist smiled, her fingers working double-time to cover a truffle, tie it with a bow, and toss it in a nearby box. “I’m on break.”
Sophia blinked at the small elf, expecting her to say, “Just kidding.” When she didn’t, she eyed the stack of chocolate that filled the air with a sweet aroma. “Well, I see that you know how to relax about as well as I do.”
Pricilla laughed. “These are the Christmas treats for mortals who have been especially good this year. Wrapping them up is a real privilege. Well, and…” she leaned forward and whispered, “a perk of being married to the boss.”