Aubrey
DEVON LOOKS AT ME WITH so many emotions in his green eyes: there's definitely contrition, fear, anger, resignation, hope and something else.
Something warmer that I haven’t seen in his gaze since South Carolina.
But I don't wanna fall for the false promises that gaze carries, I’ve done it before and I gave myself to him and the only thing he did was to ghost me and treat me like the enemy.
He broke my heart in every possible way he could.
But what I can't ignore is that he is looking at me for the first time.
Really looking at me.
And I know that I could get even by dismissing him the same way he's been dismissing me and my feelings.
I could tell him that it's too late, like I think he expects.
But aside from my stubborn heart that still wants him despite everything that has gone down between us, he wasn't completely wrong.
I should've told him that it was my first time or maybe I should've told him no.
And there's the fact that finally I know why he treated me the way he did.
Again, it's no justification for his behaviour but fuck me if I don't understand the way he feels about his Mom lying to him his whole life.
So I force myself to keep looking into those eyes and to tell him how I feel for the first time.
I don't hold back because if we stand a chance to ever be anything to each other, even just friends, we have to end this vicious cycle of lies and suspicion that we’ve been caught in since that last night on the beach.
I inhale deeply and begin from the easiest thing.
“You're right that I should've told you that night that it was my first time. I guess we both made mistakes. It was our last night together and I was feeling so emotional and sad that whatever we had had to end. I know I sound crazy but the way I felt about you Devon ... that’s why I didn't say no. But you're right. If I told you that it was my first time, you might have handled it differently.”
He shakes his head and I see that barely repressed anger flash in his eyes again.
“Look, I know I made a fool of myself that night. I wanted you so bad that I ruined everything because I was too scared that you’d change your mind. But if I’d known that it was your first time, I would have handled it totally differently.”
And now to the huge, painful elephant in the room.
“You know, now I understand why you ignored me with all the stuff that was going on in your life. But like I was wrong to not tell you the truth that night on the beach, you could've told me what was going on with you, Devon. And I would've given you all the space you needed. I would've also understood if, for you, I was just a summer fling and I’d have just been your friend. You would've had someone to talk to.”
Devon scoffs.
“Really? Didn't you hear me when I told you where I come from? And that up until two months ago, I had nothing to my name but the clothes on my back? Shit, I still do. My trust fund won't be mine for another three years and I’m at the mercy of my father. Granted, none of this is his fault, he didn't know that I existed until my mom sued him for eighteen years of child support. Is this what you’d have taken home to your parents? Mom, Dad, this is Devon. Oh, if his daddy kicks him out of the house because his white trash, lying, scheming Mom can't stay away, he’s an excellent mechanic. I know how any parents of any girl at BHPA would react if I dated their daughter.”
I stand up and get closer to him: the pain in his eyes, the shame about his origins, is something that I understand very well.
“Devon, you should've let me be the one to decide how I felt about you. And trust me, where you come from really doesn't matter to me. Especially because I'm really the last person that could judge you.”
So I tell him how my mom fell pregnant with me after a foolish weekend of passion with a business man she met on a flight she was working on as a flight attendant.
“My dad didn't tell her that he was married and his wife was sick. At first they weren't even together after Dad learned that he got Mom pregnant. Then his wife got worse and somehow my parents got together but not only didn't they take in my half siblings, who were little children at the time, they never told any of us about each other. I learned that I had a brother and a sister only last year, when Dad’s wife died and my father could finally marry my mom. So now we're his legitimate family but until twelve months ago, I was in a very similar situation to your own. Sure, my dad knew about me and raised me but those circumstances could've definitely been different.”
All the boys are looking at me now: my daddy was really good at keeping his huge indiscretion under wraps, and after all, he didn't really have a wife around, so my mom naturally filled that role.
“If anything, Devon, I respect that you worked hard to help your mom make ends meet. Hard work is nothing to be ashamed of. Did you think that you were just a little roll in the hay, or sand I should say, with the sexy lifeguard? I don't care about how much money you have or don't have. I can understand why you thought that I fucked with your drink wanting revenge for being dumped. And now it makes sense that you didn't believe me, if you didn't even trust me enough not to judge you for your family history.”
He takes my hand in his and I let him, I’m still hurt and really mad at him but I let his touch comfort me because it's the first time that he touches me without lying to me.
“Aubrey, I know I fucked things up between us in so many ways. You're right, I should have trusted you. I should've trusted you not to judge me and to like me for me. I should've believed you when you said that you didn't do anything to punish me. The reality is that I know that I would've deserved it. That’s why it was so easy to believe. But I care about you, so much. So much that I couldn't stay away from you even when I thought that you hated me. I’ve been stupid, clueless, and a bully. I wish I could go back in time and take it all back but I care about you. Please give me a chance to prove myself. To show you that I'm not the guy I’ve been since that last night in the beach. That I can be worthy of you and make you happy.”
The way he's looking at me is very similar to how he was in Hilton Head.
And that's fucking confusing.
I open my mouth to ask him what he means with ‘make you happy’ when he clarifies it for me.
“I know that you're seeing Knox, Landon, and Teague. Before you make a choice about who you want, please give me a chance to be your boyfriend. See me too like you are them. We agreed to work together to find out what happened with those drinks and to protect you, and give you time to get to know us all so you can choose. Please Aubrey, forgive me and give me a chance to date you too.”
I shake my head, trying to make sense of all of this.
“Devon, I don't know. I care about you, that never went away. This is why your behaviour hurt so much. But I don't know if we can be anything to each other. I don't know if the mistakes we both made are too big to recover the chance of a relationship between us.”
He nods but doesn't let me go, holding onto my hand like a lifeline.
“I know. All I ask you is a chance to let me prove to you that I care. Please, baby, I know I’ll have to earn your trust and that it won't be easy. But please let me try.”
For the first time since we got back from the beach, the sound of that pet name, ‘baby’, doesn't bother me.
It actually feels good.
And I know it’ll be hard to overcome all the mistakes we’ve made but I tell him that I can try.
“I can't promise anything, Devon. What happened between us might be too much for us to rebuild anything meaningful. But you can try. I'll be honest though if things don't work out. I owe it to you and to the others. Because I care a lot for each of you in this room. So much that I’ve no idea how I’ll ever choose.”
17.
Rally Boys
Aubrey
THEY ALL LOOK AT ME and for a poignant moment, none of the boys utters a word.
I sit down again by Kno
x’s side and while the boys discuss getting some food and I give Teague my phone to find the apps of my favorite takeout places, I think about the fact that I have to tell them about Tyler.
They decide to order Mexican and despite having had dinner with my parents, I'm starving.
In reality I was so pissed at Daddy that I barely touched the food in front of me.
I wait until Teague has everyone’s order and puts it through the app and right before I tell them what's on my mind, I think how awesome it is to see them work together.
I know they aren't best friends like Abi’s boys but I can't help it, I wish they could decide that they're ok with me dating them all, because the idea of choosing and losing all of them but one is heartbreaking.
Even Devon, for as much as I don't know if we can repair our relationship.
“Guys, there's something I need to tell you.”
I explain the situation with my parents and how I agreed to show this Tyler guy around.
As expected, none of them looks happy.
Teague is the one to voice a feeling that they all share, judging by the nods the others give when he's done expressing his perplexity about the ‘Tyler situation’.
“Princess, I don't wanna be an asshole but I think your father’s playing you. He probably thinks that you’ll keep seeing this Tyler and you’ll accept to date him after a while.”
Knox agrees and the expression in his grey eyes is so dark that the normal silver/grey of his irises has dulled into a stormy, steely grey.
“Teague is right. Plus what loser would go out with a girl introduced to him by his dad? I really, really don't like this.”
I reassure them that I’ve no intention to get involved with this guy more than on a polite ‘my father asked me to be nice to you’ level.
Devon shakes his head, unconvinced.
“Yeah, I get your intentions, baby. But does this guy know that there's no chance of anything romantic?”
I nod.
“Look, he’s gonna meet me at the game tomorrow night. And I’ve invited him to come with me and Landon to Margaux’s party. So not only you’ll all be there, but I made it really clear in my text that I have a date with me and I just want him to meet my friends and get an idea of how we have fun here in LA. That's if you still want to be my date, Landon.”
I look at him and I’m a little worried: since he got here, he hasn't uttered a word.
And if I thought that Knox's gaze was dark, Landon’s blue eyes are just as cloudy.
“I want to be your date, Aubrey. As long as you haven't changed your mind.”
He says that with a subdued tone, so different than the normal enthusiastic, happy way he talks.
I look at the others, widening my eyes interrogatively: they've obviously been talking before coming here, so maybe they know what's bothering him.
But my gaze is met by three sets of blank stares, so I'm gonna have to figure this out on my own.
And I saw how much damage untold things can do to a relationship with Devon, so I decide that there's no time like the present and I drag Landon into the kitchen with me with the pretext of getting some napkins and cutlery for the food that should be here soon.
I set some cutlery down on the kitchen island and then turn to look at Landon, meeting his gaze head on.
For a second I think that despite the way he's been supporting me since this whole thing with those drinks began, maybe he changed his mind and he doesn't believe me anymore?
“Landon, I really wanna be your date tomorrow. Please tell me that you haven't changed your mind?”
I take his hand in mine and I’m relieved that he doesn't reject me and closes his arms around me, welcoming me when I rest my head on his chest.
Landon is as gorgeous and built as the others but he doesn't act with the same alpha-male, brooding attitude that the others display to varying degrees.
He isn't timid in any way but he doesn't hide his sweet, softer side, while the others reveal it only when they're alone with me.
This is why his quiet demeanour is worrying me now.
His lips are resting on the top of my head and I feel his warm breath on my scalp when he says that he hasn't changed his mind.
I lift my face to meet his gaze and ask him in a whisper:
“Then what's bothering you? Because I know that something’s on your mind. Is it this Tyler thing?”
“Somewhat.”
My hand reaches up to cup his jaw: I won't be satisfied with monosyllables or one word answers, I really need to know what's wrong.
“Landon, talk to me, please.”
When he doesn't utter another word, I do the only thing I can think about: I crush my lips on his and when he responds with a soft, barely audible moan, I run my tongue along the seam of his mouth to tell him that I want this to be a real kiss.
Landon kisses me back and tonight even his kiss is different.
He's a great kisser but his kisses are normally bright and almost joyful in their exploration.
This is different, it's deep and intense almost as if he were planning on going away for a long time.
We break apart and look at each other, trying to even out our erratic breathing rates.
“Landon, please talk to me.”
He sighs and his arms tighten against me, showing me that whatever’s bothering him, he cares.
“It’s ... I don't know, Aubrey. Maybe it's just jealousy but I just realised, when we decided that for now we’ll all date you, that you slept with each of the others.”
His tone isn't judgemental, he sounds more disappointed.
“And I’m not saying that you did anything wrong, so this isn't what this is about. If you have to choose one of us, it's only right that you gather all the elements that can affect your decision.”
I lower my gaze: I know that Landon isn't trying to judge me but I can't help but feel embarrassed.
If I looked at my actions from the outside, what would I think?
In the space of two months, I’ve slept with three guys and I have feelings for all of them.
“Aubrey, please look at me. The fact that this bothers me, has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me. I feel left behind because we aren't anywhere close to that level of intimacy and I’m worried that your choice is already made as far as your relationship with me is concerned.”
I lift my face back up to meet his gaze and tell him that he’s totally wrong.
“Landon, it's not all about that. I mean yeah, sex is important. I realised that I like it, a lot. I like that it feels amazing but mostly because of how close it made me feel to Knox and Teague. The fact that we didn't sleep together is not because I like you any less. It's because we haven't spent a lot of time alone, so I know you less than I do them. And this is one of the reasons why I don't wanna choose yet. I like you a lot, Landon. I feel so drawn to you in every way. I need to explore that before I make any decision. If anything, the one that has more to worry about my choice is Devon. I care about him a lot but I don't know if the history between me and him is more than we can overcome.”
Landon smiles, a hint of his usual mirth coming back in his next question.
“So bad sex is worse than no sex?’
I giggle.
“Yeah, I guess you can say that.”
Landon becomes serious again.
“It’s just that ... I haven't had as many girls as the other three, Aubrey. I—”
The way he says ‘many girls’, puts a really troublesome thought in my mind.
I grab Landon's hand and run back to the living room where the guys are already attacking the food.
“I just thought that this is a fucking mess!”
Devon looks apologetic.
“I’m sorry, I was gonna clean it up. I spilled my enchilada sauce on the floor.”
“See? I told you to clean it up immediately—”
Teague and Knox are giving him grief about it but I shake my head.
“I don't give a shit about that!”
All four guys turn confused gazes towards me and Devon asks me what mess I’m talking about.
“Other girls! I ... I’m getting to know you guys and you said you're ok to let me date you all but ... I’m not ok with any of you seeing other girls! I’m sorry, I know it's unfair but—”
They all chuckle.
Knox is the first one to talk:
“Pretty girl, seriously? There's no one else I'm interested in. Only you. Damn my bratty sister for interrupting us yesterday. I want to date you exclusively. I know that you're gonna date these other three clowns for now but as far as I'm concerned, you're my girlfriend. End of story.”
Teague nods.
“Same here, princess. You're all I want, and all I can think about since that day in the parking lot. By the way, thank you for almost running her over and making her wet asshole!”
He smirks at Devon, who looks really worried.
The Retribution: A High School Light Bully Romance (Beverly Hills Prep Academy Book 3) Page 20