“How do you feel about the midterm?” Jameson asked after I hung up the cellphone.
“Not bad actually. Thanks to your notes and tutoring.”
“We make a pretty good team. You’re not as lost as you think you are. But if you still want help, we can keep studying together.” His cheekbones were highlighted with pink again and he kept brushing his auburn hair out of his eyes.
“That would be great. I could always use help, thank you. After spring break? We could start like a weekly study session. Just go over the class or whatever?” I asked hopefully.
“That works. You’ll get it in no time,” he promised with a sweet smile.
We finished unloading everything by the time the pizza came. Fin and Jameson even had time to run out and get a couple six packs of Spotted Cow. Then we stood around the kitchen counter eating straight from the boxes.
“My feet hurt,” Britte whined. “I want to sit down.”
I gave her a helpless shrug. “I used to have furniture. I will never take that for granted again.”
“Tara the biotch. I hate that little witch,” Britte grumbled and then grabbed a paper towel, another piece of pizza and plopped down in the recliner.
“One day, I want to hear the entire story,” Jameson looked at me, sincere and serious.
“One day I will tell you the entire story,” I promised and then winked at him.
I felt Fin’s eyes on me so I turned around and engaged Britte in small talk. She wasn’t really paying attention to me, she was watching Jameson and Fin interact behind me. I could feel them communicating without words but I didn’t even want to guess what it was about.
Until suddenly Jameson announced, “Alright, thanks for the pizza Britte, I mean, Fin. I’ve got to go.”
“Already?” I asked, mostly because I had a feeling it would piss Fin off.
“Oh yeah, I still have to finish, uh, I have a date, later. I forgot about it until right now. Better go.” And then he was gone, before any of us could even say goodbye.
I whirled on Fin, “Did you scare off your own friend.”
“What?” he asked incredulously. “You heard him, Ellie, he had a date.”
I just rolled my eyes at him.
“Actually, I have to go too,” Britte stood up from the recliner and wiped her hands off on her paper towel. “I have study group in a half hour. And that is not an excuse, I really do.”
“Aw, I thought we’d hang out tonight. You know do roommate stuff, like eat ice cream, watch scary movies! I even splurged and bought Kitkats and Rocky Road!”
“Some other night, Els, sorry babe,” she disappeared into her room presumably to get dressed.
And then it was just Fin and me. I turned around and gave him an awkward smile.
He was leaning against the counter watching me. His eyes had gone dark and intense and his jaw was doing that ticking thing, that rapid muscle movement I was starting to realize appeared whenever he was trying to hold himself back. He wanted to kiss me right now; I felt it down to my very bones.
And for a moment I was so desperate to let him I forgot how to breathe.
“Can I help you?” I asked while putting the left over pizza into plastic wrap and stacking the boxes for the trash later. Why couldn’t they make pizza boxes the size of normal trash cans? As a college student I admittedly ate a lot of pizza, but honestly was it so much to ask for a narrow box?
“What kind of guys are you into?” he asked firmly. He was leaning back against the opposite counter, still and calm. He was so tall, each of his muscles long and lithe, but now with his question each piece of him was brimming with tension, like he was coiled to strike. I felt like this was a trap, like he was setting me up for an attack.
“Am I into?” I stalled. My emotions were everywhere, want warring with resolve.
“Like, what’s your type?” he asked again, standing up straighter as if he were on display, as if he were letting me judge him against whatever I pictured in my head.
But my answer was easy. Smart. Funny. Protective. Loyal. Compassionate. Good. You. They were all there, right at the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t say or admit any of them. So instead I said absently, “Pirates.”
Fin choked on his surprised laughter. “What?”
So calmly, fighting hard for a straight face, “I’m looking for a pirate.” I wetted a paper towel and started wiping down the counters while Fin let that settle in.
“Is that so?”
“Definitely. I’m all about pirates.”
“Argh! Then come here you lusty wench,” Fin caught me around the waist and somehow twisted me so that when I turned around I was pressed up against his chest. He smiled down at me, the bright, disarming one and then attacked my neck with a messy, wet, loud kiss. Against my skin he gave his best pirate impersonation, “Tonight you walk the plank.”
I started laughing before I could push him away. Besides, I could feel how strongly he did not want me to push him away. But he was being playful and fun, so I fell into the moment, refusing to let my fears take away from this…. from him. He started tickling my sides and I was hysterically laughing and struggling to get away from him when the apartment door opened and then shut. Apparently Britte was gone.
“Stop!” I gasped for breath between my insane giggling. “You win! You win!”
“I like winning,” he grinned. He stopped tickling me but didn’t let go, and instead wrapped his arms around my waist so I was held tightly to his chest.
“Lusty wench?” I gaped. “Not true!”
“Really? Then why can I feel how badly you want to kiss me right now? How badly you’ve wanted me to kiss you all day?”
“It’s not my fault! It’s all these nice muscles,” I offered helpfully. I squeezed his bicep in my grip and then gave him a “See? Not my fault,” look. “It’s not my fault you’re like man-candy.”
He ignored me. “Let’s watch a movie.”
I chewed my bottom lip thinking about that. “I don’t have any furniture, or a TV or DVD’s or a DVD player.”
He laughed lightly. “Do you have a bed?”
I nodded, afraid of what my voice would sound like if I tried to talk. I had a bed…. that I should never, ever take him near. If so, I would not be responsible for my actions.
“My computer is down in the car,” he explained. “I brought movies. We could watch one on your bed. We’d both have a place to sit.”
“You were planning to hang out tonight?” I put together everything that was left unsaid.
“All day, I’ve been planning to do a whole lot more, but I better restrain myself to hanging out,” he admitted and the blush reappeared across my cheekbones and chest.
“Promise not to kiss me?” I asked, but willed him to say no.
“Yes,” he finally agreed.
This was another one of those moments where it would be really nice if he could just read my mind and disregard everything I’d said and done thus far.
When I was still wavering he laid down another car, “I brought popcorn.”
“Go get your computer and I’ll make my room boy-ready,” I said quickly, while wiggling out of his arms.
“I’m going to take that as a good sign,” he called after me.
“What’s a good sign?”
“That your room isn’t already boy-ready. You must not have found the right pirate yet.” He sounded smug and confident and I should have teased him back, I should have discouraged him…. but I didn’t have it in me.
I wanted him to be my pirate.
Fin returned with the popcorn, which was actually kettle corn, which was even better. And I grabbed the Kitkats because I was feeling very generous.
He brought three movies to choose from: Trainspotting, which I had already seen and was traumatized from. I would never, ever become a drug addict thanks to that movie; Memento, which seemed confusing to me- besides, what was with his bizarre-o taste in movies?- and The Hobbit.
I picked The Hobbit.
But it felt like my only choice in this situation.
“Don’t you have any romantic comedies?” I asked once we were propped against my headboard, legs extended, laptop resting on Fin’s stomach. I had to lean into him to see it, which I figured was his plan, since he lifted his arm so I could snuggle against his body.
Sneaky bastard.
“The Hobbit is as romantic as I get,” he laughed at me. With his pointer finger he started the movie and then pulled me closer to him. I stared at his long finger transfixed by how sexy I found just his finger! And, per his request, because the lights were off, his finger was illuminated by the light of his screen, his movements were so confident, so purposeful…. just like Fin.
I fit against him perfectly; my head lay on his chest, my arms tucked to his chest. This night would ruin me. I would never be able to come back from it.
“At least you didn’t bring The Matrix,” I sighed, mostly to cover my utter contentment. No place had ever felt as blissful as this.
“What do you have against The Matrix?”
“Only that I know every single line and fight scene in the entire movie. My brothers used to make me play Trinity while they reenacted every scene, it was like torture. Lennox was Neo, Grayson was always Agent Smith and then they made Beckett be Morpheus. My mom wouldn’t even let me watch the movie because I was so little, but I still knew all the lines.”
“Sounds like childhood trauma,” Fin laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you watch that one.”
“Thank you!” I lifted my head off his chest so I could look up at him. “As soon as Colton found out I still had most of the lines memorized he made me watch it with him and recite them word for word.”
Fin laughed but mostly stared at me. “I won’t make you watch it, but if you want to reenact any of the scenes as Trinity, I’ll gladly play Neo.”
“Oh my gosh,” I groaned. He laughed this time and I felt him shake underneath me.
“It sounds like you a good childhood. Did your brothers always make you play with them?”
I lifted my head so I could talk to him again. “Yes, they did. Unlike most older siblings, they wanted me to tag along with them. My parents live on a pretty big piece of property with this sprawling woods on the back of it. And whenever they would go play back there they forced me to go with them. I just wanted to play Barbies in my room or read alone, but they always dragged me from the house. I built forts, played capture the flag, joined in their stupid games, did everything little girls hate.”
“But yet you’re not a tom boy?”
“Ha!” I rolled my eyes. “No, I’m not. They were weird like that. They forced me to learn how to play football but then the minute I put on a baseball hat, or t-shirt they would make fun of me relentlessly. When I got to junior high they would not let up until I learned how to do my makeup and then Lennox was the one who took me to buy my first pair of high heels. We got to the department store and I thought this was so cool, my brother actually cared. But then he just sat in a chair and told me to pick out whatever I wanted and not to bother him until I had a pair picked out. Needless to say, they were not cute. But Lennox was really proud of them for some reason.”
“It sounds like they really care about you,” Fin said thoughtfully.
I snorted, “Were you not listening? They tortured me!”
He chuckled again and I moved with the rhythm of his body. “No, they included you, made you tough but made sure you stayed girly too. They wanted you to have the best of both worlds.”
I thought that over for a minute wondering if that could be true. Looking back, maybe my whole life wasn’t just about making me miserable. “Ok, maybe,” I finally relented, but just barely. “But I let them get away with way too much. Now they think they can still run my life. It gets really old.”
“They don’t think they can run your life, even if they want to. They let you date Colton. Even I’m pissed they let that go on for as long as it did. They just care about you,” Fin said softly, gently. “Believe me, I have a younger brother that I would die for. They want the best for you and they believe it’s their job to make sure you get it.”
His sincere words almost broke my heart.
But I still said, “I don’t like your point. I’ve worked hard to build my wall of resentment. I’m not going to let you talk me out of it.”
He smiled down at me like he thought I was adorable. “You should tell them about us.” He coughed suddenly while I panicked inside. “I mean, about me. You should tell them we’re friends now.”
My body was thrumming with nervous energy. What did he think was going on between us? It was one thing to be attracted to each other, another thing to flirt. I could even throw in all those accidental make outs. But telling my family about us?
“Yeah, maybe,” I whispered and turned my attention back to Bilbo Baggins.
We stopped talking after that and I worked really hard to pay attention to the movie. But I was strung tight with anxiety. For the last week I’d done nothing but realize how much more I wanted with Fin, but it always seemed impossible. Even without the debt in between us, I couldn’t believe he actually wanted a relationship with anyone, let alone with me. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. Plus he had a million other responsibilities and was graduating in a month.
To go to med school.
Eventually, after an hour of obsessing over every impossibility standing in our way I drifted off to sleep. It was too easy, wrapped up in the warmth of him, his hard chest as a surprisingly comfortable pillow. I felt myself slide my arm across his chest, but I was too tired to talk myself out of it. And just before I drifted off completely I felt him press the sweetest kiss to the top of my head.
Impossible, but wonderful.
I woke hours later. It was still dark, my room only lit by the muted streetlight from behind my closed blinds. I was warm, extremely warm, that’s what woke me. I realized then it was because my chest was pressed against Fin’s chest, his arm woven tightly around my waist, holding me to him. His laptop was nowhere to be seen. His face was buried in my neck, his breath fanning out against my neck and collarbone. My arms were raised above my head so I could give him all the room he needed to press us together. Our legs were intertwined, tangled with each other to keep us as close together as we could get.
I blushed deeply. He would not be happy to wake up here like this.
I tried to separate myself from him, to wiggle away. I could go crawl into bed with Britte and he could sleep in my bed for the night. But as soon as I started to move, Fin’s hold on me tightened and he pressed me even closer to his body.
“Don’t you dare, Ellie,” he growled into my neck, his voice rough with sleep. “Give me this one night.”
It was a command, not a request. And I was helpless to follow it. I relaxed into him and he held me impossibly tighter to him. His fingers trailed lightly through my hair and across the nape of my neck. I sighed softly before I could stop myself and he leaned in to kiss the sweet spot just under my ear.
He groaned as if frustrated and then whispered almost so quietly I didn’t hear him, “I’m going to keep you.”
----
The next time I woke, it was morning. The light behind my curtain was brighter and natural, but Fin and I were still in that same position. One of my arms had fallen completely asleep and I could taste how bad my breath smelled since I hadn’t brushed my teeth the night before.
Ok, rancid breath equaled the worst case scenario ever.
I looked down at Fin, but all I could see was his mess of hair. His face was still buried into the crook of my neck, his arms still tightly around me. His body was deliciously warm, crushed against mine.
I didn’t want to leave his arms…. ever. But if I wanted to do this again, I was going to have to brush my teeth. Let’s face it; if I didn’t fix this breath problem right now, there would be no future of waking up in Fin Hunter’s arms.
I tried to wiggle free, but his g
rip was so tight, and his muscled arms extremely heavy. He grunted when I extracted one of my legs and then gripped me tighter when I pulled the other one free.
And then I felt it, a warm, wet kiss against my neck. I sucked in a breath, realizing he was awake and not about to let me go. He trailed more sensual kisses across my throat and my heart started to pound in my chest. His mouth went up to my ear, paying special attention to my lobe, biting, kissing, licking.
My breathing followed the frantic rhythm of my heart and soon I was clutching at his hair, fighting to hold onto sanity.
He stayed away from my mouth, probably fighting the same morning breath I was dealing with, but he kissed me everywhere else. Long, seductive kisses that left my skin burning from his touch. His leg slipped between mine again and when he moved against me, my heart actually shuddered.
Holy hell. Desire shot through me and I held onto him tighter.
He kissed down my neck on his way back to my breasts. And I moaned something encouraging but even I couldn’t tell what I said. His hands suddenly gripped me tighter and yanked me to my back so that he hovered over me.
He lifted his lips off my chest and stared down at me with heated agony. His hair was tussled from sleep, a full day’s growth had roughened his jaw and his lips were swollen from kissing. His arms held him above me, his biceps taut with the strain. His leg was wedged tightly between mine, adding a delicious pressure.
And he looked at me like he wanted to devour me.
My bad breath was completely forgotten.
He rocked against me, his leg building pressure in between mine. I gasped and clutched at his shoulders.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered above me. My whole body reacted to those words, melting into him. He leaned down, kissing me so sweetly on the corner of my mouth. “I’m never going to be able to stay away, Ellie.”
Just as I was about to tell him not to Britte started banging on my door, causing us both to jump. Fin’s head shot up and he glared at the door like he could destroy it with the power of his stare.
“Ellie, I know Fin’s in there!” She shouted. “Beckett’s on his way over right now! I’m so sorry! I asked him last night for help with the couch my dad’s bringing just to get him to shut up about it! I had no idea you would be uh…. busy.” She squeaked the last word and I felt my skin flush bright red.
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