All the Right Mistakes

by Laura Jamison

  But now the unimaginable had happened. And Elizabeth needed to be 100 percent focused on getting one of her closest friends through what would probably be one of the most difficult days of her life.

  CARMEN

  “Why the fuck did she choose a church across from an elementary school?” said Carmen to Elizabeth as they stood outside the Episcopal church.

  The funeral had been planned for ten, but Carmen had gotten there before eight to be absolutely sure she was there when Martha arrived. She had stood outside the church and watched as hundreds of happy kids walked to school with their colorful backpacks bobbing up and down. It was their last week before summer vacation, and their faces shone with the anticipation of the coming freedom. Thankfully, all the children were tucked away in their classrooms long before Martha and her family arrived.

  She and Elizabeth were now waiting for their friend.

  “It’s fine, Carmen. Pull it together,” replied Elizabeth tightly. “And try not to swear in front of Evelyn.”

  “I personally think Evelyn had something to do with the church selection. Martha’s not even religious,” Carmen complained.

  “It doesn’t matter. Let’s get this done. Look, they’re here now,” said Elizabeth.

  Martha and Robert’s car pulled up, and Robert deftly parked, swiftly exited, and walked right past Carmen into the church with barely a glance in her direction.

  Elizabeth and Carmen exchanged a glance, and Carmen said, “You know men. They have no earthly idea what to do in these situations. Well, except William. He really helped pull things together.”

  “Yes, he’s always clutch,” replied Elizabeth with a sad smile.

  It took a little longer for Martha to exit the vehicle. Carmen walked over, opened the door, and held out her hand. Martha looked like she was trying to be brave, but she didn’t reject Carmen’s offer and let Carmen walk her into the church.

  Martha’s parents were not far behind. As they approached the church, they looked a little dazed and distinctly out of their element. This wasn’t their church in Boston, and their people weren’t there to support them.

  Carmen heard them say to Elizabeth, “Did Carmen get our note?” and she heard Elizabeth reply, “Yes, and she asked me to coordinate everything.”

  Bless, thought Carmen.

  Carmen had actually agreed with Evelyn’s position that it would have made more sense to have the funeral back in Boston. The family even had a lovely plot in one of Boston’s oldest cemeteries. But Robert had insisted that they do something simple and local. Martha was too exhausted and in too much pain to fight him. So here they were in a new city and a practically unknown church next to a bustling elementary school. Nothing was right about it, thought Carmen.

  A few minutes later, Carmen and Elizabeth took their places in the pew behind Robert and Martha, who sat next to each almost like strangers.

  As the time of the service approached, a remarkable number of mourners began to stream in. What must have been every nurse and half of the doctors Robert worked with showed up at the service. There were even a few patients who were participating in his research study. Those families hugged him and thanked him profusely for everything he had done for them.

  Carmen whispered to Elizabeth, “Robert’s people love him. Who knew?”

  “Where’s Mark?” asked Elizabeth.

  Carmen flinched and answered, “He feels so bad, but he just couldn’t make it. He’s out of town this whole week and couldn’t get his flight changed fast enough.”

  “Huh,” replied Elizabeth in a tone that suggested she wasn’t convinced.

  “Frankly, it’s easier without him,” said Carmen dismissively. “The only person I care about right now is Martha, and this way I can concentrate on her one hundred percent.”

  “That’s a good point,” agreed Elizabeth.

  The service was swift and sad, and there was a great deal of open weeping when the tiny casket was carried out by Robert, Martha’s father, William (who had been drafted at the last minute and, of course, played the role perfectly), and one of Robert’s work colleagues. Some of Robert’s patients must have had children who had been gravely ill. Carmen imagined that the whole thing was too terribly close to home for those families.

  As they walked out of the church, Carmen said to Elizabeth, “Thanks again for having the reception at your home.”

  “Of course. It was the least we could do,” replied Elizabeth, again looking so sad. “See you at the cemetery.”

  MARTHA

  The graveside service was over and everyone had gone over to Elizabeth’s house save her and Carmen. They stood next to the small pile of fresh dirt surrounded by the beautiful June grass that covered the rest of the cemetery.

  “Carmen, I’m losing them both,” said Martha.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” replied Carmen. “Men deal with their grief differently.”

  “I suppose. He’s barely spoken to me, Carmen. Honestly, I would prefer if Robert would scream at me. Or hit me even. Anything but this deafening silence.”

  Martha continued, “And my mother hasn’t even cried. You know what she said, Carmen? She said, ‘Well, at least you can go back to work like you were planning.’ I mean, what? Why on earth is she thinking about my career at a time like this?”

  “Martha, we established your mother’s limitations a long time ago. She loves you and wants to make it better as quickly as possible. But she’s totally lacking empathy.”

  “I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to be broken.”

  “Of course you are.”

  Carmen fished in her purse for a bottle of pills. “I brought something for you, if you need it. For the anxiety. It’s what the doctor prescribed the last time.”

  “No, Carmen, I don’t want to take these again. It’s not like last time. I can handle this. Those pills make me feel like I don’t care about anything.”

  “Martha, there’s no harm in getting a little help. And you can just take them for a few days. Just to get through this. There’s no nobility in pain. And no one needs to know. You have two other babies. They need you.”

  “I’ll think about it,” Martha said as she tucked the bottle in her pocket.

  Martha didn’t know what she would have done without her friends.

  Elizabeth had taken on her most frustrating problem, corralling her parents who were trying to control everything that was happening. Martha had picked a church where she thought her mom would be comfortable, but she sensed that it didn’t make a difference in the end.

  Sara had volunteered to take Bobby and Jack for a few days. Martha had been more than happy to agree and had felt enormous relief as she saw them drive away to the Dells for a long weekend. Sara and Scott were amazing parents, and she knew the boys were going to have a great time enjoying the water park. When the weekend was over and all her guests gone, particularly her parents, she would talk to her boys about Lucy in her own way.

  Then there was William, who had outdone himself, and cooked Martha and Robert a week’s worth of meals in addition to hosting the reception tonight.

  And, of course, Carmen. The one person who was there for her, without judgment, no matter what.

  “I love you, Carmen,” said Martha as she reached out her hand for Carmen’s.

  “I love you too,” replied Carmen, grabbing Martha’s hand and giving it a hard squeeze.

  As they walked back to Carmen’s car, Martha said, “Heather sent a beautiful altar piece. Elizabeth said she had a commitment she couldn’t break so she couldn’t make it. Not that I expect everyone to come.”

  “Please,” said Carmen.

  “I’m sure it was important,” insisted Martha. “Be nice, Carmen.”

  “Fine,” said Carmen, “but I can’t think of any reason that would have prevented me from being here.”

  SARA

  Sara was sitting at one of the indoor water park’s highly sought-after poolside tables with Mikey. Scott was in the water with
Martha’s two boys and their other three children.

  Sara was ashamed to admit that she had been profoundly relieved that she didn’t have to attend the funeral. She was pretty confident that she would not have been able to hold it together, which would have been terrible.

  Sara actually thought about her children dying a lot. She didn’t know if it was normal or not, but it had been like that since the beginning.

  When Tommy was born, she remembered waking at night and wondering if he was dead in his crib because he should have been crying by that time. Her next thought was always that it would be useless to check because if he were, in fact, dead, checking him wouldn’t make a difference, better to sleep another twenty minutes and then plan the funeral. After about five minutes these morose thoughts would inevitably be interrupted by a very much alive baby ready for his next feeding. Dark and twisted stuff. That is what sleep deprivation does to you, she guessed. In retrospect, she had probably had a touch of postpartum depression. It seemed just too lucky to have four really healthy, smart kids. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  Scott was at the top of the giant fort, aiming a water cannon squarely at the pack of their five charges, who were squealing and pretending to run away from him. Sara waved him back to the table because a giant pizza was being delivered to them from the snack shack. She didn’t know if it was the chlorine or the exhaustion, but the pizza tasted delicious.

  The wet, straggly wave of kids made their way to the table and shoved in the pizza as fast as they could. Minutes later, they left a pile of wet towels and soggy paper plates in their wake as they headed off to the nearby wave pool to float and digest. Sara and Scott were left with the mess and a sleeping baby.

  “You are my hero, honey,” Sara said to Scott as she covered Mikey with a couple towels while keeping an eye on the five kids in the pool. She hoped he would manage to take a nap, unlikely as it was.

  “I know the reason we’re here is horrible, but I’m actually having fun. Sure beats the awful vibe at work,” Scott replied.

  “What do you mean? I thought work was going really well?” Sara asked.

  “Well, look, we haven’t had much time to catch up. And I didn’t want to worry you. There have been some changes at work. I don’t think I’m at risk, but I’m not one hundred percent certain about that.”

  “At risk? What are you talking about? You’re practically running the place. Half of your people wouldn’t know what to do without you there.”

  “That’s just it. There have been mistakes. And we haven’t done a good job with some of our new processes. I really thought they would give us some time to work out the kinks in the new systems, but they may have run out of patience. Our time might be up. I’ve heard from a few people who should be in the know that they’re considering whether to outsource a big chunk of our work. If that actually happens, a lot of people are going to lose their jobs, but they will need some people to stay behind. I’m pretty sure I’ll be one of those. But no guarantee, I guess.”

  “Holy shit, Scott. Why didn’t you talk to me about this earlier?” sputtered Sara, feeling her insecurity that always lingered below the surface start to rise.

  “Settle down, you’ll wake the baby. It hasn’t exactly been easy to get your attention lately, you know.” Then Scott added quickly, “I know it hasn’t been easy for you to get mine, either. Me telling you then or now wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. I can’t control this, and I have no idea if and when it’s going down. The only reason I’m talking to you about it at all is that I just don’t want us to make any big financial decisions until I know what’s going on.”

  “This is what I’ve been saying, Scott! This is why we need to cut a bunch of stuff out of our budget and have like an eighteen-month emergency fund! Did I not tell you?”

  “Don’t panic. It will most likely turn out to be nothing. We can probably start looking at houses next spring after this cloud has passed. It may just be gossip or some demented way of making us work harder. This is a tough enough weekend without piling on more worry.”

  “All right,” said Sara reluctantly as she picked up the last remaining slice of pizza. It had gotten cold. “But we are going to keep talking about this,” she said to his back as he headed into the wave pool to be with the kids.

  Goddammit, it was stupid to think his job was totally secure, she thought. We both are at the mercy of our bosses.

  HEATHER

  From Heather Hall’s Twitter

  Heather Hall @therealheatherhall · June 5

  Tough week—a good friend’s going through a bad time, and I’m not able to be there for her, but this important work must go on—we are just a few months away from launch #makeplansnotmistakes

  ← Reply Retweet ♥ Favorite ··· More

  ELIZABETH

  William is really a mensch, thought Elizabeth as she watched him moving among their guests with his oven mitts and a tray of hot appetizers. Their house was at capacity with friends and neighbors who wanted to comfort Robert and Martha. Which was ironic, of course, because Robert and Martha were two of the most introverted people she knew. This had to be pure torture for them.

  The worst part, she thought, is that everyone always has a way of making someone else’s loss about them. In just the first hour, she heard the following snippets:

  “I know just how you feel, honey. When I lost my cat, I wasn’t right for weeks. Months even.”

  “You must feel terrible that it happened when you were on vacation. I can’t imagine. Maybe if you hadn’t gone . . .”

  “To think that you and Robert are doctors. I guess it’s true that this really can happen to anyone. Honestly, I always thought SIDS was something that happened when drunken mothers rolled over on their babies. Robert doesn’t drink much, does he?”

  “You really should get pregnant again right away, you know. That will help you put Lucy to rest.”

  People were incredible in their lack of tact. Elizabeth had her own selfish thoughts and feelings, but she knew better than to verbalize them. In fact, she thought that she had done a remarkable job of covering up her own private pain.

  The timing of it all had been just terrible.

  It had happened on the flight she, Carmen, and Martha had taken back to Milwaukee from Carmel.

  She hadn’t felt well all morning but had chalked it up to the stress of the day. After the plane had taken off and they were at altitude, she realized all the water she had been drinking that morning had caught up with her. She turned to Carmen and Martha and said, “Be right back.”

  Martha had responded with a pained smile and looked back out the window. Elizabeth knew Martha was shut down and understood that was the only way Martha would make it through the long day of travel. She didn’t know how she would survive it, personally.

  Elizabeth made her way down the aisle and into the cramped restroom. It smelled like it hadn’t been cleaned recently, and she shifted to breathing through her nose. Vowing to get out of there as quickly as possible, she pushed down her jeans—and that’s when she saw it.

  The blood.

  She gasped with a horrible realization of why she hadn’t been feeling well. It wasn’t the stress at all. She had thought she was out of the danger zone. The end of the first trimester. But it was happening, again.

  A loud knock came through the door as Elizabeth’s world was crashing down around her.

  “C’mon, lady! There’s a line here!”

  Shit, shit, she said to herself as she struggled to control her emotions, bracing herself with outstretched arms in the cramped bathroom.

  “C’mon, lady, we don’t have all day,” she heard as she held back her tears.

  Get it together, Elizabeth, she told herself. She had forgotten to keep breathing through her mouth and was now also overwhelmed with nausea as her emotions and the foul smells mixed together. Your friend needs you.

  But pain was pain, and Elizabeth was struggling to feel her way past
hers, no matter what had happened to Martha.

  Elizabeth wiped her eyes, took a deep breath, and unlocked the bathroom door.

  The waiting passenger shoved her aside as he entered the bathroom.

  “Took you long enough, lady.”

  Elizabeth resisted the urge to punch the asshole in his generous gut.

  As she made her way back down the aisle and to her seat next to Martha and Carmen, Elizabeth fought with her emotions.

  Martha had her headphones on and was looking out the window, seemingly oblivious, which was a blessing. Carmen sat protectively next to her and didn’t really notice Elizabeth as she sat back down. Elizabeth put on her headphones and closed her eyes, counting the minutes until they would touch down in Milwaukee.

  Thankfully, the worst of it from a physical perspective didn’t come until she was home, and that part was finished by the time of the funeral. So, physically, she was sufficiently recovered to attend. Emotionally, of course, she was nowhere near whole, and she knew that William would be a wreck, too, in his own quiet way.

  Elizabeth wondered how William processed these things. Like her, he had been so excited, thinking this time would be different.

  She flashed back to the day they had first found out, a few weeks before her trip.

  It had been a Thursday, the day of the week that Elizabeth typically started craving a big glass of wine. But her period had been a few weeks late, so she thought that maybe she should check before pouring herself the standard Thursday night glass and a half.

  Her period was often erratic, so she figured this would be just one more waste of yet another pregnancy test. But she had been wrong. Minutes later she was looking down in amazement at two pink lines. She screamed down the stairs for William, and he materialized within seconds in the doorframe, with a look of worry on his face.