I lunge to the left, finally getting a grip on my blade. I yank it up and swing at the thing’s head, putting my whole weight behind it. The knife enters at the hybrid’s temple and sinks up to the hilt. Taking advantage of its shock as it fumbles for the knife, I roll from underneath it and scurry sideways on my elbows and heels like some overgrown crab. The creature falters for a bit, swiping at the blade handle protruding from its brain like it's swatting at a mosquito, before its eyes roll back in its head and it topples over.
I stay down on the ground. I don't trust trying to stand. Instead I lay there, sucking in huge gulps of air, my panicked whistling echoing in my ears. I can't stop shaking there's so much adrenaline pumping through my body. I keep staring at the hybrid lying just inches from me, expecting it to get back up. But it doesn't move.
Finally, my breathing slows, and I push myself to my feet. Sam is still standing exactly in the same position. But as I watch him, he shakes his head like he's waking up from some paralysis and searches for me. His head swivels before settling his panicked gaze on me, and he staggers in my direction.
“Jesus, Bix. Are you ok? Are you hurt?”
I meet him head on and shove my palms into his chest, pushing him as hard as I can. The blinding rage filling me at the moment urges me to punch him hard in the face and break his goddamned nose just like I did with the mutant.
“What the fuck?” I yell. He stumbles back confused, but I move with him. “What the fuck?” I scream it in his face as I shove him again. “What. The. Fuck?”
The last push nearly sends him into the river. I'm not sure if the hot tears scalding my face right now are from anger or fear, but I do know not being able to stop them is pissing me off ten times more. I nearly fucking died, and Sam just stood by and did nothing. Why am I even wasting my tears on this dipshit?
“Bix. Stop.” He holds his hands up in a silent plea.
“Stop? You want me to stop?” My voice rises. “Guess what? I wanted you to stop that thing from ripping my throat out. And what did you do? Sweet dick all. What the hell?” I clench my fists at my sides, hating the tears that won't stop falling and hating him. Wanting to lash out at him. Instead, I pull my hands up and run them through my hair, ripping at the roots. “Arghhhh!”
My scream is filled with frustration and anger and fear as I stride away from him, not trusting myself to not hurt him in some way. After I've put some distance between us, I turn back.
“What the hell, Sam? Why didn't you help me?”
“I'm sorry,” he whispers.
“You're sorry? You're sorry?” I step toward him again. “I'm the one who's sorry. Sorry for warning your stupid ass and expecting you to make the same gesture to try and save mine. Were you seriously going to stand there and do nothing? Huh, Sam? Were you really going to let me die? Did you want me to die?” My voice catches on the last question.
He flinches at my words. I know I'm being harsh, but I can't help the verbal diarrhea spewing out of my mouth.
“No.”
“No? Then why hell did you stand there and do nothing?”
“I wanted to help you...I just couldn't”
“You couldn't? Ha!” My bitter laugh echoes through the trees. “That's a shit excuse if I've ever heard one.” He steps my way and lays his palm on my arm, but I yank it out of his grasp. “Don't touch me. Don't you fucking touch me, Sam Mckinley. You miserable piece of chickenshit.” I try to walk away, but he grips my arm tighter.
“Listen to me, please.” His voice is raw, and the pain in it obvious. “I wanted to help you. But I couldn't. That thing...that thing was in my head, stopping me. Like it was controlling me. On some level, I was watching you fight it and screaming inside. Screaming like a useless piece of shit. Dying because I couldn't move. I couldn't get to you. Jesus Christ, Bix, that was the most horrible experience of my life...watching you fight and not being able to help. Please. You have to believe me.”
What he is telling me sounds like utter and complete bullshit, but the pain and sincerity in his eyes is real. The tears trickling down his cheeks are real. Of that I have no doubt. He's telling me the truth, or at least what he believes to be the truth.
I unclench my jaw and take a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I need to get this anger under control, so I can figure out what the hell just happened.
“I don't understand what you're telling me,” I say finally, wiping the tears off of my cheeks with the tips of my fingers.
“You and me both.” He rubs his face and eyes with both hands as if trying to wash away the memory of what just happened.
“What do you mean it was in your head?”
“I don't know how to explain it—”
“You almost let me die so try, dammit!” I snap again. Calm down, Bix. I take a deep breath.
He looks at me with such sorrow I almost feel guilty for my reaction. Almost. Turning his back to me, he wanders to the riverbank and stares into it like he can’t stand to face me any longer. I follow him, glancing around with wary eyes. Competing with the anger is the fear that another one of those creatures will come crawling out of the woods. I make a similar comment to Sam, but he just shakes his head at me.
“No. There are no more around. Not close enough for us to worry about.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I can't hear any thoughts in my head. None that are audible anyways.” He glances back at me. “I can hear them quite loudly when they're near.”
I stare at him for a bit, weighing in on this tidbit of info and wondering if it's adding to my anger. Can I even get any angrier?
“What? You can hear them? You can fucking hear them in your head like Kasina was talking about? And you didn't think that was pertinent enough to tell me along with the rest of the shit back at the facility?” Yup. I guess I can get angrier. “Jesus H. Christ, Sam! That's a damn important bit of info to leave out, don't you think?”
“I told you they affected me. I didn't lie.”
“Yeah, you damned lied. You lied by omission. When you said they affected you, I thought you meant they gave you the fucking heebie-jeebies or some shit. You didn't say they were in your head like a split personality. You didn't tell me that.”
“I wanted to tell you. I tried. But the words just wouldn't come out in any way that wouldn't make you look at me differently. In horror.” He takes a hesitant step toward me, hands out in a pacifying gesture. “Like you are doing right now. You're scared of me.”
“Ya think?” I ask as I step back a couple of steps. “You just told me you hear them in your head. Kasina said they all do that because they're one organism. Does that mean you are one of them, too? Are you part of a hive, Sam?”
The last question comes out as a whisper as if what I'm saying is too horrific for me to say aloud.
“No, I'm still me, Bix. I'm still Sam.”
I shake my head at him as he takes another step toward me. “No, I don't think so. The Sam I know wouldn't have almost let me get killed by that thing.” I point to the creature lying on the ground. “He would have tried to save me, just like I tried to save--” I stop mid-sentence and my words die as a cold knot of knowing clinches tight in my gut. “No, I didn't save you because it wasn't attacking you. Its intention wasn't to hurt you at all. You came here to meet it. Didn't you?”
“No!” He inches closer and I back up more. His eyes plead with me to understand. “No, it's not like that at all. I didn't come to meet it. I mean I did, but not in the way you think. I knew it was close. When they're close I'm....drawn to them. It's like...I don't know...like a damn itch in your brain and the only way to scratch it is to give into it. But I thought I could kill it. Get rid of it, so it wouldn't hurt any of you.”
“Sam, you're not making it any better,” I whisper at him, trying desperately to understand what he's telling me.
“I can't explain it, Bix. I really can't. When it's in my head...whatever it is...it's like it controls me. But I fought it t
his time. Don't you see? That's good. It wanted me to watch while it killed you, but I fought it. I surprised it by fighting its control, giving you the chance to kill it. Don't you see, Bix? It didn't have total control over me like it thought.”
He sounds relieved like that's a good thing. I see nothing good about this whole conversation. All I'm hearing is that Sam is somehow linked to those creatures, and they have power over him.
“This changes everything,” I say to him.
“No...”
“Sam. We have to tell Luke. I can't let you put anyone else in danger. We can’t wait any longer.” My voice strengthens with each word because finally something is making sense to me. Luke needs to know. Luke will know what to do.
“Bix...”
“BIX! SAM!” the voices calling from the woods sound close and very worried. The crew are looking for us, and they'll be here soon.
Sam steps my way, grabs my hand with one last plea, and stops me from yelling out to them.
“We'll tell Luke. I promise. But just not tonight. I’m fine, trust me. But he’ll make me leave, Bix. Or worse. Help me. Please. Just give me the time to prove I’m okay.”
I yank my hand out of Sam’s grasp as hard as his pleading yanks at my heart.
“Bix?”
I answer Luke's yell with one of my own. “Over here.”
They come crashing through the trees: Luke, Mike, and Gordon with Scruff leading the way.
“We thought we heard screaming earlier and noticed you guys were miss—Jesus!” Gordon does a double take and nearly jumps a foot in the air as he almost trips over the hybrid carcass on the ground. “I just nearly shit myself. Is that what I think it is?”
“Yeah. The reason for the earlier screaming,” I answer, my eyes searching Luke’s face as if I can find an answer there to my inner turmoil.
“Are you guys okay? Did it hurt you? Where did it come from? Are there any more? Who killed it?” Gordon quickly overcomes his fright and starts a staccato line of questioning.
“We're fine,” Sam answers before I have a chance to. “Bix killed it. Lucky shot with a blade to the head.”
“Yeah, lucky,” I echo, but my words are hollow.
“What were you two doing out here?” Luke holds no punches with his question, and his hard eyes tell me he expects nothing but the truth. As I open my mouth to speak, I feel Sam tense beside me and catch his breath, terrified of what I'm about to say. Truth be told, so am I.
“Stupid really. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get some fresh air. Sam heard me get up and decided to join me. We heard something prowling around in the trees, so we followed it to make sure it wasn't a gang of ravagers or something trying to sneak up on us. Damn thing led us into the woods, and we were stupid enough to fall for the classic backtrack as it swerved around us and attacked.”
I feel Sam relax as the lie falls from my lips. The decision has been made and a line crossed. I've never lied to Luke before, and I'm glad for the darkness hiding my expression since I’m pretty sure the bold-ass deception is written all over my face and I feel like a complete and utter shit-stick. I don't know if he believes me or not. His face is unreadable in the shadows.
He regards me in silence, and I fidget under the perusal. Finally he says, “Stupid is right. Are there any more of these around we should be worried about?”
I shake my head. “No, I don't think so. None that we could see.”
“But if Kasina is right, they don't usually travel alone. The rest of its hive may be around here somewhere.” Gordon looks around like he expects them to start dropping out of the trees. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him we apparently have a hybrid detector in our group, and he doesn't have to worry but I stop the words from tumbling out just in time.
“Gordon's right. We should get out of here. Keep alert,” Luke says.
That's it? That's all the flak we're getting from Luke? No third degree or interrogation? Well, that was damned easier than I thought it was going to be. And I feel fucking sick about the whole thing. I just lied to my crew and Luke. A man I trust with my life. I may have just put their lives in danger all for the sake of saving Sam. What the fuck am I doing? If something goes wrong, is his life worth theirs? Searching deep for an answer, I ignore Gordon's puzzled “Why do I smell whiskey?” as we start our trek back.
* * *
Sam keeps trying to whisper to me the whole walk back to the barn, but I brush him off. I don't want to talk. I'm angry. Angry at him for forcing me to choose between him and Luke. Angry at myself for doing it and lying to my crew. Angry at Luke for giving up on me so easily. Right when I needed him to keep questioning me and everything about Sam, he's chosen to walk away without a fight. Can’t he see how much I need him right now?
And really, what is there to say to Sam? Yeah, I know you're possibly infected and dangerous and mind fucked by those hybrids. Yeah, I lied about the whole thing and didn't tell on you to the rest of my crew. I didn’t enlighten them to the fact that just being around you may be detrimental to their health because I don’t want anything to happen to you. I mean, really? When you break it down like that it sounds so bad.
Robyn, Dom, Kelly, and Badger watch our return with interest as we pile back into the barn. Robyn's gaze flickers back between Luke and I, trying to read our body language.
“You found them,” she says to Luke as passes her by and settles his gun on his sleeping bag.
Duh. Obviously.
“No one looks the worst for wear. Told you they probably just snuck off for a lover's dalliance. And that Bix's screaming was just Sam fucking her brains out—”
I leap at her with all my pent up anger at Sam and Luke. If I can't take it out on them, then she is the perfect punching bag.
“Shut your pie-hole, you stupid bitch.” I give her a swift right jab to the shoulder and she stumbles back a couple of steps. “You have no idea what happened out there.” I'm screaming at her now as she quickly recovers and comes back at me, eyes glittering with anger. I ready for her attack, but my fist doesn't get to make contact again. Luke steps in between us, blocking her from my view.
“So not the time for your goddamned temper,” he growls down at me as he pushes me away non-too gently from Robyn, almost taking me off of my feet.
I stare at him with a mixture of anger and confusion. He's never manhandled me like that before. Ever. What the fuck is happening to us?
“We don't need to be turning on each other. We have enough to worry about at the moment. Bix is right about one thing, though. You have no idea what happened out there, so stop with the stupid assumptions.”
Luke razzing out Robyn kind of makes me feel a tiny bit better, even though I'm still itching like crazy to take my self-hatred out on her. Robyn glares at me with a look that promises revenge and tells me I may still get that chance.
“Well, then, why don't you tell us what happened out there?” Badger asks in a soft voice, trying to subdue the situation.
“They ran into a hybrid. They managed to kill it, but if what Kasina told us is correct, they don't travel alone. Not exactly good news. With that being said, we can't take the chance of traveling in the dark. Leeches I'd take the chance with but not those things. We stay put until morning. Kelly, you and I will take first watch. Mike, you and Robyn up next. Dom, Sam and Badger, then Bix and Gordon. Got it?”
We all nod in silence at Luke.
“Good.” He sighs in exhaustion. “I know it's asking a lot but try and get some rest. We'll leave at first light. The sooner we get back to the Grand, the better I'll feel.”
“You and me both,” Mike grumbles. “Being out here in the open like this is creeping me the fuck out. You don't know where those damn mutants could be hiding. They can pop up at any moment.”
If only you knew the half of it, my friend.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The next few days pass in a haze of intense riding and lack of communication. The friction between myself and Luke and Sam seems to
be rubbing off on everyone. There's no talking or joking or singing like before. Hell, even Gordon has gone quiet. I thought that was nearly impossible. No tidbits of useless information or annoying facts get rattled off to us. It's like everyone is caught up in their own little personal world of anxiety. It's almost a relief when we meet up with the small horde of surviving leeches left behind in Maple Haven. The act of defending ourselves and dispersing of the enemy is routine and almost brings normalcy back to our group. At least it makes us feel like a tight-knit, working unit again. And as warped as it is, it eases my mind some to see Sam contribute to the kills. I guess the mind control is exclusive to the hybrids. Or the super-mind? Or whatever the fuck else Kasina was talking about.
Passing by Kip's farm is a well needed reprieve from our daily gloom. With their ever watchful eyes on the road, they know of our approach and come out to meet us, bringing gifts of water, pears, and bacon. Kip is really starting to grow on me. I guess I can handle the crazy as long as it comes wrapped up in plenty of bacon. Her promise to alert the Grand of our imminent arrival and agreeing to start up a trading system with us gives me something to smile about for the first time in days.
Even Evie has decided to join forces with us again, lifting Gordon's spirits at least. He and Scruff are ecstatic to have the girl back, and it looks like she's actually forgiven him for putting her in danger. Good. It's nice to see the smile back on the kid’s face, and his more jubilant mood seems to lift all of our spirits. A soothing, temporary balm to our raw nerves. The city skyline on the horizon a few days later seems to do the rest. We’re home.
The sight of the city must put “General” Luke in a good mood as well since he calls for a break. About fucking time. We've been riding for hours already, and the sun is barely up. I've come to the conclusion that I don't like the new Luke much. But I guess I only have myself to thank for that since he’s a by-product of my actions.
Strain of Defiance (Bixby Series Book 2) Page 18