by Kelly Holm
“It will be ok; I’ll be here to guild you through.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course, and if you choose not to try it, I will think of something else. This is completely up to you. I will say that several of my other patients have had great success with it.”
“I’ll think about it and let you know. In the meantime, would it be possible to get this prescription refilled?” Larisa asked as she held up the empty pill bottle for Mila to see.
“I’ll give you five pills. That should be sufficient until our next session.”
“Only five, what if I need more?”
“I don’t think you will, but if you do, give me a call.”
“No offense, but it sounds like a ploy to get me to pay for more sessions; you know, I don’t have time to keep coming back again and again.”
Mila noticed that Larisa’s mood changed suddenly, she was agitated and defensive. Mila wondered if it was really about coming in for sessions to get well, or if Larisa just wanted the drugs without sessions.
“I understand, but I can’t in good faith keep prescribing you medication if you just use it as a crutch.”
“I can’t keep taking this time off during the day; I have clients and deals I’m working on. These appointments are taking too much of my time. I know they are only a forty-five-minute session, but there’s drive time and such involved. I need to work; I can’t lose my business over this.”
“I understand; would it be easier for you to make an evening appointment?”
“That might actually work better, depending on the day.”
“Good. I’m willing to work with you.”
“Could we schedule the next appointment for 6:00 p.m.?”
“Sure, that would be fine.”
They talked for a while longer and then Larisa left. As she was driving back to the office, she noticed a young mother with her baby at a crosswalk. The girl couldn’t have been much older than she was when she moved here. Even though it was over twenty-five years ago, the memory was still fresh. She wondered what her life would have been like if baby Ella had lived.
She quickly pushed the thought from her mind and concentrated on traffic; the roads were jam-packed; it was almost rush hour. As she slowly inched down the street, her mind began to wander again. She thought about the neighborhood event she had to plan, and about getting those last few condos sold; it would be incredibly challenging to do in the two-week deadline.
As she turned the corner, just blocks from her office, she started to feel that familiar feeling of an anxiety attack. Her breathing was becoming more rapid, and she couldn’t slow it down. Her vision was going in and out; she knew she had to pull over. Once Larisa was safely off the main road, she put the car in park and closed her eyes. She quickly reached into her purse to get the bottle of pills she had, but soon realized that she hadn’t refilled the prescription yet. She would have to tuff this one out.
She wondered if the attacks could actually be from work. Things were almost always stressful lately, and she got most of the attacks while she was working; this might be the answer, she thought. I’ll play along with her questions, and in the end, I’ll conclude that work is the reason behind my panic attacks, and
because I love my job and would never quit, I’ll need a regular prescription for the anti-anxiety pills. It was brilliant.
That night when she was alone at home, she thought again about telling the therapist the truth. It would be quite a risk, but she is a therapist so she can’t tell anyone… Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t tell her the truth, she would have me thrown in jail, and my life would be ruined. The baby died by accident, so technically it wasn’t my fault… No, no one would see it that way, I need to keep to my plan, she thought.
A week passed, and Larisa went for another appointment with the therapist, but this time, she had a plan.
“It’s good to see you. Have you given any more thought into trying the hypnosis we talked about last time?” Mila asked hoping she had decided to try it.
“I have.”
“What did you decide?”
“Is there any other way, I just don’t feel that comfortable with hypnosis.”
“Of course, we could try positive visualization; it’s just talking. Sometimes if you can relax your mind enough, it will tell you what you need to know.”
“I’m willing to give that a try.”
Larisa knew she had to be careful about what she said, and definitely had to make sure she never got so relaxed that she spills her awful truth.
“Good. Let’s begin with some simple breathing exercises. I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth, very slowly.”
“Ok.”
“Let yourself relax, and I want you to remember a happy time in your life.”
Mila watched as Larisa’s body seemed to start relaxing.
“As you continue to think about this happy time, you may feel like closing your eyes; if you do, that’s fine. How are you feeling?”
“I am feeling pretty relaxed.”
“Good. Now I want you to imagine a staircase, and you are going to walk down it, and as you do, I want you to think about your childhood.”
“Ok, I see a staircase… I’m walking down the stairs…”
“Where did you grow up?”
“It was a tiny town, so small you would miss it if you blink.”
“Did you have a happy childhood?”
“For a while, then when I was fourteen, Mama died, and it was just Papa and me.”
“That must have been difficult for you, losing your mother at such a young age. Did you have a good relationship with your father?”
“After Mama died, he started drinking a lot. He missed her so much; I think her death broke him. He would go to the bar every night after dinner, and wouldn’t come home until late. So, I guess, no, we didn’t have much of a relationship.”
“What about brothers and sisters?”
“I have a brother, but he’s seven years older, and he was already gone and living somewhere else by then.”
“Are you and your brother close now?”
“No, I haven’t seen or talked to him in over twenty-five years.”
“Did you have a fight, or what happened so that you two don’t keep in touch?”
“I left home right after graduation, and we just lost touch.”
“Why did you leave home so early, were you off to college?”
“No, I didn’t go to college; I had to leave for other reasons.”
“What do you mean you had to leave for other reasons?”
Mila noticed that Larisa was starting to get uncomfortable; she was moving around a lot, and she was beginning to breathe a little harder. I’m getting close, I can feel it, she thought.
“I couldn’t stick around after what happened, I mean, people in small towns talk, this isn’t something you can keep private for long.”
“What happened, what were you trying to keep private?”
“I can’t say… it’s too horrible.”
“This is a safe place, Larisa, you can tell me anything, and it will be confidential.”
“Too risky,” she said again, as she shook her head back and forth.
“Ok, let’s jump forward, and talk about what might be causing your panic attacks.”
Larisa wasn’t listening; her mind was stuck on the past and the horrible situation she was in.
“I’m so worried…”
“What are you worried about?”
“I don’t want anyone to know what happened.”
“I understand you don’t want anyone to know, but remember you are in a safe place and anything you tell me is confidential; that means I can’t tell anyone. So, why don’t you tell me what happened that was so bad that you don’t want anyone else to know about it.”
Mila waited a moment while Larisa thought.
“My baby…”
Holy shit, that wasn’t wha
t I thought she was going to say. This is getting interesting…, Mila thought as she continued to probe.
“What about your baby? I wasn’t aware that you had children.”
“I don’t have children.”
“I see. What happened to your baby? Did you give it up for adoption?”
“No, it’s much worse than that.”
“It’s ok; you can tell me about it. What happened to your baby?”
After what felt like hours, she replied,
“She died.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that; it must have been devastating for you. How did your baby die?”
“I put her to sleep one night, and she didn’t wake up the next day. I waited and waited, I tried shaking her, but it was no use. I even listened at her tiny chest to see if I could hear her breathing, but she wasn’t,” Larisa said, as tears started running down her cheeks. Mila reached across the coffee table and offered her a tissue.
“Did you call 911 or someone to help you?”
“There was no one to call.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I had to bury her myself. I put her in a cute onesie then wrapped her in a blanket and gently placed her in a white office supply box that I found. Then I walked out into the forest behind my house and looked for a good tree to bury her next to, it was raining so hard, I could hardly see where I was walking.”
“How old were you when this happened?”
“I was eighteen.”
“Eighteen is awfully young to have a baby. It must have been a tough time for you. Where was your father during all this?”
“Papa went to the bar one night earlier that year, I think it was just after New Years, and he never came back.”
“Are you saying he left you all alone?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Did you have the baby while you were alone?”
“Yes.”
“But someone helped you deliver the baby; you couldn’t have done that yourself.”
“I did, I was alone,” she lied.
I wonder if she’s lying or protecting someone; it seems a little unbelievable that a young girl could safely deliver a baby without any help, especially someone who’s only eighteen. Who are you protecting? Mila wondered.
“Why wasn’t there someone to look after you, what about your brother, or a relative or neighbor?”
“I guess no one knew I was alone. I mean, Papa continued to put money in the household account so I could buy food and pay the bills when they came, just like I had been doing since Mama passed. I was almost eighteen years old, almost an adult. I was completely capable of taking care of myself.”
“Do you ever have nightmares about that time in your life?”
“I try not to think about it. It was a long time ago. Looking back, I don’t think I should have done what I did, but it was the only answer I could think of. I did what I had to do to survive.”
“What do you mean you did what you had to do, what did you do?”
This is starting to get juicy, Mila thought.
“I gave the baby… I mean… I took care of things myself, just like I always have.”
That was a close one, I almost spilled. Have to be more careful, Larisa thought.
“It must have been challenging and frightening for you to have to deal with this all by yourself. You were very young. You started to say that you gave your baby something, what did you give the baby?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Larisa said defensively, as she quickly opened her eyes and sat up straight in the chair.
“Are you sure, we are making breakthroughs…”
Come on, you were just going to tell me your truth… Mila
thought to herself.
“I’m sure; I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“I understand; we can stop here. I think we made real progress today. How do you feel?”
“Ok, I guess,” she lied.
Larisa was freaking out. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I almost told her my horrible secret. I have to be more cautious, what the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t stop myself; the words just came out, almost like she was pulling them out of me. She was worried she might have said too much.
“Ok. Let’s schedule another appointment for next week. You made terrific progress today. How are you doing with the pills?”
“I need a refill.”
“Already, I thought you said that you had a good week.”
“I did. I meant to say that I didn’t get as many attacks. The ones I did get were so bad, that I had to take a couple pills to get rid of them.”
“I see. I don’t want you to double the medication anymore. I know it must have felt like you needed to, but if you wait for the medication to work, one pill will take care of the anxiety just fine.”
“I’ll try, but you don’t understand how bad they get, plus I can’t let people see me like that, my job is all about appearance.”
“I understand. Sometimes when you start talking about issues, you will experience more anxiety. This only means we are getting close to what is really bothering you. Please be patient and let the process work.”
Something about Larisa’s story made Mila believe there was a deeper issue that she was hiding. Mila noticed that she almost said something about her baby’s death before she quickly pulled herself back. That was the piece she had to fish for in the next session. Larisa was starting to sound like a favorable candidate for her side project with Dr. Blackmore, but she would need to dig a little deeper next time to be sure.
As Larisa got into her car, she thought about what just happened. She was terrified, what if the therapist goes to the police and they investigate? Her breathing was starting to become irregular, and another panic attack began. She quickly reached for the bottle of pills in her purse and took one.
Slowly her mind stopped racing, and her breathing slowed. One pill was actually working, just like the therapist said. She drove over to the pharmacy and had the new prescription filled. As she was leaving the pharmacy, she wondered if it was a good idea to continue with this therapist. She said way too much already, how much more would come out in the next session, she wondered. She had to be more careful, more selective of her words if she planned to take this secret to her grave.
Chapter 9
As Leo was leaving the tattoo shop after getting his most prized tattoo, a portrait of his beloved Krystal, he noticed Miles Cavanaugh walking briskly towards him.
“Hey, Miles, how’s life treating ya?”
“Leo, just the man I need to see. Is there somewhere we could talk privately?” Miles seemed very nervous; he kept checking behind his back and looking around. Leo wondered what was up.
“Sure, do you want to go back into the shop?”
“Is there a back room or somewhere we could talk in private? I assure you, it’s quite important.”
“Ya, we could use Ringo’s office, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. What’s going on?”
“Please, I’d rather wait until we are alone,” Miles replied, as he quickly looked around again to see if anyone was watching him.
Leo escorted Miles through the tattoo shop, into Ringo’s office, and closed the door. He offered Miles a seat, but Miles was too nervous to sit.
“Ok, we’re alone, what’s going on? You got me a little freaked out.”
“I’m terribly sorry, it’s not my intention.”
“Don’t worry about it; just tell me what’s got your knickers in a twist?”
“Oh, I assure you, my knickers are in quite a twist over this; I just found out that Krystal came to see me the day before she died. I was in Los Angeles at a two-day legal seminar, but Bella, my assistant, talked to her briefly.”
“What did she want?”
“Apparently Krystal brought over a dish of her famous strawberry-rhubarb oatmeal bars, and when Bella explained that I was away at a seminar, Krystal got quite agitated. She told Bella to make sure I got the bars,
and then she left. Bella said she was acting very nervous and was constantly checking over her shoulder like she thought someone was watching her.”
“Damn, love those bars, I can’t believe I’ll never taste that delicious slice of heaven again.”
“Yes, I agree, they are amazing. Hopefully, Krystal wrote out the recipe.”
“So, what did Krystal want?”
“That’s the problem, when I returned the next day, I tried calling her, but I didn’t get an answer. I even drove over to the house, but she wasn’t there. So, I called the hospital, but they said she wasn’t working that day. Of course, that afternoon was when you found her. After the funeral, I had forgotten about the baking dish until today, when my assistant was washing it up and found this letter taped to the bottom.”
“Another letter? Why would she tape a letter to the bottom of a dish? Do you have any idea what’s in the letter?”
“I have no idea; there was a small post-it on it, telling me to give it to you. Leo, I’m so sorry, I had no idea she taped it to the bottom of the dish. I just hope that I got it to you in time.”
Miles gave Leo the letter, and Leo immediately opened it. It was dated the day before she died…
Leo,
I am very worried about Mila. I think she is involved with some very nasty people here at the hospital. I was at work a couple of weeks ago, and I saw her talking with Dr. Blackmore, a real piece of shit, he’s always into crooked things. It looks like
she might be working with him. I waited until she was done talking with him and walking out to her car before I called her. I didn’t let on that I knew where she was, I just spoke like it was a random call. She lied to me and said she was just leaving the gym, and asked if she could call me back later.
Mila never lied to me before, I know something is wrong. I started to do a little snooping on my end to see if I could figure it out, and you won’t believe what I found. I started a file to keep everything organized, which I keep in my office desk at the hospital in the drawer with the combination lock. The combination is 76-19-93, Mila’s birthday.
I think someone might be on to me, I feel like I’m being watched all the time and not just at work. Sometimes I feel like I’m being followed too. I wanted to tell you this in person, but I’m afraid that my house or office might be bugged, and I certainly don’t want to put you in any danger.