“If we follow the river back up, we’ll get to the lake and the cave,” she tells him. “We can ride the storm out in there.”
“Yes!” Declan exclaims and drops his forehead hard against hers. “Oh, thank God, you’re smart.”
“Come on, less flattery, more running,” she urges, wiggling out of his grasp to get him to start walking. “We need to move before this all comes down.”
Hiking the hill up again, especially on ground that is getting more slippery by the minute, is a task and takes way longer than slithering down had taken and Karin falls flat on her face twice, stumbling up and getting her clothes and body completely dirty. She only keeps from falling a third time because this time, Declan catches her in time.
“Don’t you dare laugh,” she glares at his grin when she lets go of her and he pulls a face.
“I wasn’t,” he says, pressing on. “You look like you just ran a marathon, that’s all.”
“Bite me,” she growls and surpasses him. She’s about to say some other snappy thing when they happen on the bit of hill just before the plateau with the lake that sports a brand-new waterfall, now that the dam above has broken. Climbing up a few more rocks, they find that the lake is now just at half its volume but twice its beauty from before, returned to its natural state. Even in the foul weather, it’s easy to see. The way it sits there, you could swim in it without the fear of getting swept away into the river, as the current feeding into the new waterfall is now nice and light. Karin is tempted to linger but doesn’t as the timing of the thunder is getting uncomfortably close to the shuddering light in the sky.
“Cave,” she points out to Declan and he follows her words, running up ahead to the mouth of it, and waits for her to get in before going himself. Its pitch dark inside but the sporadic flares of lighting illuminate it well enough to see that the small opening winds into a larger space. There is sandy ground below an arched, rocky structure that soon lights up in a garish yellow as Declan produces emergency glow sticks and a torch light from his otherwise ridiculously over-packed survival-backpack and puts them all on the ground.
“I’ll see if I can build a fire from this,” he says, pointing out a bunch of old twigs scattered on the cave floor. “Once we can see something, we can put up the tent, get a little heat isolation.” They better, it’s damp and cold in the cave. Karin already feels cold and shivers.
Eventually, their shadows dance up and down the wall as Karin wipes her face with her shirt, having stripped out of it to get into the change of clothes she had packed for the next day, and places the dirty one gingerly in the back pocket of her rucksack while Declan starts messing with the tent. They’d done alright erecting it when they were being measured for time during their survival training, but that was when they had 100% visibility and weren’t shaking every time thunder and lightning roared, now completely overhead, right in the middle of the storm. The rain outside sounds like artillery fire, even from the shelter of the mountain. The truce they’ve tacitly struck up by necessity in order to get to this safety lasts right up until Karin asks Declan to hammer the pegs in and he refuses.
“Why won’t you just put them in the ground?” she asks him in the flickering light of the fire - he’d made that with a lighter this time, not a flint stone.
“What do we need to ruin them for?” he asks her, looking at her like she’s a simpleton. "There’s no wind in here and the tent is standing just fine on its own. The ground will be too hard to drive them in, I’m telling you."
“Declan, it’s four tiny little ... ” she huffs in frustration. “You know what, just give me the hammer, I’ll do it myself.”
“Fine, be my guest,” he shrugs, instantly on edge, and kicks the hammer from his backpack her way. “You see how far you’ll get.” Then he mumbles something under his breath about her not trusting him that rubs her the wrong way, which in turn makes her snippy.
“I will,” she barks. “It’s not like you’re going to be sleeping in there anyway.” And yes, that’s childish but so is he. He does a peeved double-take in her direction and the air between them is about as charged as that of the thunderstorm raging above their heads.
“Excuse me, what?” he asks, far more prissy than he has any right to be.
“Oh, so you mean you can share an enclosed space with me now?” she challenges. “Like I’m not too disgusting to sleep next to tonight?”
“Rinny, don’t,” Declan mutters, shutting down instantly. She scoffs, her frustration sky-rocketing instantly.
“I’m so tired of ‘Rinny, don’t.’ Rinny, don’t, what?” she exclaims, throwing her hands up and she explodes, casting the hammer down onto the ground from where she’s just picked it up. It thuds hard, the sound echoing in the cave. Her voice is still louder.
“I don’t even get to say how hurtful it is, what you’re doing?” she continues, growing more livid with every word. “Might I remind you that you wanted to touch me? I’m sorry I got off beside you in bed, I know that was crossing the line, alright? I get it. It was wrong.” Fuming, she walks up to where he cowers, still fastening a strap of the tent cover to the wiring below. “But you begged me not to stop, alright? That was you. You got your fingers knuckles-deep inside me, alright?”
He flinches, probably because of her out-of-character use of that very explicit language, and struggles to get to his feet, tumbling backward in a useless attempt escape her wrath. She doesn’t care. He’s not getting away from her this time. She’s so beyond done with all of this.
“I didn’t make you do that. You wanted that,” she barrels on, chasing him away from the light of the fire, moving in on him like a deadly animal, all her rage making its way outside in the dim light of the place. “Then to turn around and act like I’m some kind of creep trying to molest you in bed every night, that’s just so unfair.”
“Wait, is that what you think?” he stops her short, which is to say he stops backing away from her, which results in her nearly running into him, only stopping when both his hands land around her elbows, holding her there. “Is that why you think I’m not sleeping in our bed anymore?”
She shrugs at him, her face split in a frown. Of course, she does! Why else would he not want to share her bed? Declan grips her tight, squeezing once before dropping her arms again. “That’s not why.”
“Why then? Enlighten me,” she snaps, her patience and grace finally at a hard end. “Or I don’t see why I should let you into this tent tonight.”
“I don’t appreciate you blackmailing me,” he says, his face stony, from what she can make out from it.
She can match that sentiment easily. “I don’t appreciate being treated like a sad loser who is pining for you and can’t keep their hands to themselves,” she says bitterly.
“God, Rinny,” he groans and walks around her, to get closer to the fire. This way, when she spins on her heel to face him, she can see the exact moment his features move into a grimace of humiliation as he goes on, face open like hell where it was unreadable before. "If anyone of us is a sad, pining loser who can’t keep their hands to themselves, it sure as hell isn’t you.”
She doesn’t understand, and her expression shows it.
“Honestly, woman,” he scoffs at her, actually scoffs. The nerve on that man! “You can’t be this smart and this dense at the same time.”
“Excuse you?” she yelps, shrill and ready to throw down and get in his face again.
“I don’t sleep in our bed because I can’t do it anymore without wanting to touch you again,” he huffs in palpable distress. “It’s bad enough being in the same room at night, honestly. I don’t think you’re disgusting. It’s the absolute opposite. I’m trying so bad to stay away from you; you have no idea how hard that is for me.”
Well, if that’s true and she’s been wrong about him thinking it’s disgusting they could maybe do stuff together that whole time, then that’s wonderful. It’s also so infuriating. Because what is his deal then? If they both want the same
thing?
“I don’t understand,” she mutters, wanting to sound furious but it doesn’t quite carry past her desert-dry mouth. “You know I want it. If that wasn’t clear, I don’t know how else to show you.” She takes a deep breath. After all, she can’t embarrass herself in front of him more than she already has. She can’t bare herself any more if she tried. “I want you. There, I said it.”
Declan winces, with his whole body. “Rinny. Please.”
“Please, what?” What is his problem? It doesn’t make sense. "What’s the point? If I want it and you say you want it, what are we waiting for then, huh?”
“We can’t,” he insists and that’s a broken record she never needs to hear again. If he gives her that trite spiel of ‘risking the friendship’ one more time, she might actually choke him to death.
“Why?” she demands. “Because of the show? I won’t tell anybody.”
“No, not because of the show. I don’t give a shit about the stupid show,” Declan nearly yells back, ruffling his hands through this hair. "I won’t go to Marietta and tell her what’s going on here either, I’m not an idiot.”
“Well, then why?” she doesn’t let off.
“Because of us, Rinny. I told you,” he says and she prays he doesn’t finish that sentence. “We’re human. It’s not smart. Our friendship - ”
Then that’s it. “I can’t listen to this,” she shakes her head, tired, feeling a hundred years older than when she entered this damn cave. She needs to leave.
The storm is raging so badly outside, she’s nearly swept from her feet by the wind as soon as she steps outside of the cave. Wet to the bones in seconds, the wind hits her almost violently, but she doesn’t care. She can’t stay in that stuffy cavern one minute longer with him lying to her like that.
“Karin!” she hears him call behind her, storming out after, catching up with her and grabbing her by the arm harshly. “What are you doing? Come back inside!”
She whips around, soaked stray strands of hair hitting her in the face. “That’s such nonsense, you know that?” she pokes him in the shoulder harshly. “It’s not about our friendship. That’s a terrible excuse. Why can’t you just say what you mean?”
She stabs her index finger into his shoulder again, even harder. “Just tell me you don’t want to be with me. Its fine, I get it. We don’t have to be together if you’re so appalled by the idea. We can just screw and get it out of our systems and that’s that. You don’t have to pretend it’s because you don’t want to mess us up or some shit. So, you’re not in love with me, that’s fine, I’ll live.” She punctuates the next thing with an onslaught of pokes, one nearly every syllable. “But don’t you dare say it’s because you don’t want to ruin the friendship.”
“Jesus, Rinny, that hurts,” he complains and finally catches her wrist, holding it tight and close to his body.
“No, I mean it,” she tries to shake him off, her voice unsteadies with unbidden weakness she must not allow. “I deserve at least that. At least tell me the truth.”
“You want the truth?” Declan growls and yanks her closer by her arm, thunder smashing and echoing from the foot of the mountain they’re standing on, lightning striking somewhere beneath them near the beach.
“Yes,” Karin grits out. “For once that would be nice.”
“I was there. Alright?” he bursts out and that finally stops her short. “That night after I broke up with Tina. That fake story about how we got together. I went home and I didn’t stop at my floor, I went straight up to yours. I stood in front of your door and I wanted to tell you everything. But I couldn’t.”
“Tell me what?” she asks, it’s about the only thing in her mind that moment. Other than that, look?
“Karin,” he tries backing out again.
“Tell me now,” she orders, hoping it’ll sound resolved and tough, not as paper-thin as she feels right now. “You owe me that. I swear to God, Declan, I’ll - ”
“I love you,” he shouts, right in her face. Then goes on a tangent. One that Karin can’t help but drown in. “What else could it be, Rinny? I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since I was seventeen, and I know it can’t happen and it’s… You know, that night I thought screw it, right? I drove home and in my head, I just thought: ‘It’s Karin.’ It was only ever you. Tina and everyone else in between was just…filler. I tried to be with other people so I wouldn’t have to deal with what I felt - what I feel - for you, and this whole thing, this place and this show, the pretending - it’s killing me. I want you so bad, I’m hardly breathing most of the time. I can’t just screw you and that’s that. I don’t even know if I can ever move on from just kissing you, as pathetic as that is. If we slept together, I couldn’t go back. I can’t come back from that, so we can’t just do it and ‘get it out of our system.’ That’s the truth.”
He is saying words, she realizes that. They’re beautiful words, words she has longed to hear for years and years, she realizes that, too. But she can’t process any of it at the moment because his logic above all that is so flawed, she wants to scream.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” she wails, flapping her arms and finally getting her wrist free from his grip. She is so drenched in rain, and the storm is raging right on top of them. Karin doesn’t move. She’s the force to be reckoned with, now. “I t makes no sense whatsoever. I’ve been in love with you since I was seven, and you damn well know that, and if you’re in love with me and I’m in love with you, what are we doing here?”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he moves closer, beseeching her. “It’s a bad idea.”
“Being together?” she asks.
“Being together,” he says, drowned out by thunder so loud it makes them both flinch.
“Why?” she goes on anyway, standing her ground.
“Because,” he says. “Relationships break and then I’d lose you and I won’t survive that.”
“Declan, no. We wouldn’t - ”
“You don’t know that,” he insists. “You don’t know that, Rinny. But I do. I know. You won’t - you think you love me now because you had a crush on me when we were kids. But I’m not a great guy. I’m exhausting and moody and I get so dark sometimes; you wouldn’t, you won’t love me like this forever. You’re going to fall out of love with me and I can’t take that. I won’t live through that. To have you and then lose you, I can’t do it.”
“Who says I’ll fall out of love?” she asks him, because, honestly, does he know her at all? “Who says you won’t?”
“That’s not possible,” he says this with a certainty he won’t accept when it comes from her.
“Oh god, Declan. You think it’s possible for me?” She swats him in the shoulder again, helpless in the face of his stubbornness. “I’ve been here since I was seven. Seven! I barely remember a time when I wasn’t crazy about you. That’s almost my whole life. This is ridiculous.”
“It’s not ridiculous,” he maintains. “You put me on a pedestal and you think you love that but that’s not real. I’m not half the man you think I am.”
“Do you even listen to yourself?” She wants to shake him. Instead she take that last step to close the distance between them and puts both palms on his cheeks, trying to maybe get through to him from her hands to his brain. “I’m not a stupid kid. I know how I feel about you. I know who you are. I’ve been here for the worst and the best you’ve ever been. I grew up with you, I watched you, every step of the way. You have a shit outlook on yourself, and frankly, it’s patronizing and disgusting how you think you can decide for me what is real or not. I’m fully capable of discerning reality from fantasy.”
“Patronizing and disgusting,” he parrots, like she’s just made his point for him. “There you go.”
“Don’t twist my words,” she says vehemently. “I love you. Just the way you are. In every way. I always have.”
Declan shakes his head with just as much vigor, stubborn as a child. “No. I’ll lose yo
u. I can’t lose you.”
“Baby,” the endearment softly tumbles from her lips by itself. “There are no guarantees. Never in life. We might get hit by lightning if we stay out here for much longer. One of us might get sick in a year or in five or in ten. Maybe we have the biggest fight ever and can’t stand each other from there on out. But that might happen to us as friends, too. Nothing is certain. But I’ve loved you since you were a kid and I still do. If through whatever, life takes us apart, then that’s that. But I don’t want to stand at the Pearly Gates one day knowing we never tried.”
Tenderly and carefully, as if he might run into the jungle if she goes in too hard now, she kisses him on the side of the mouth. Just once. His arms close around her shoulders. He’s trembling around her, closing his eyes.
“I’m so scared,” he says, his voice spluttering like the rain.
“I’m scared, too,” she admits. She’s so scared it twists her insides into a tight little ball, but she is also exalted and jittery with happiness as well. “But it’s us. We made it this far. Seventeen years…I still wake up every morning most excited to see you. That’s not nothing. I think our odds are good, don’t you?” She kisses him again, encouraged merely by his lack of struggling against it.
Finally, he kisses her back, his hands landing on her face, one digging into her hair and the other closing loosely around her neck, thumb stroking her skin lightly, lingering on her throat. Yes, he’s kissed her about a million times now since they have set out on this adventure, but this is different. This isn’t for the camera, or for anyone else who might see. This is for them. Only for them, and he wants it. He wants her. He’s wanted her all along. The thought makes her lightheaded. She moves her hands to the back of his head to pull him in, which is the moment everything goes white and bright, even through her closed eyes. Not from the kiss, although it might have been. He breaks apart from her mouth, gripping her tight and they stare at each other as a deafening roar of thunder splits their moment in half. That was the closest bolt hitting yet.
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