I can’t DO THIS!
Help me someone please, help me …
(Panting and breathing. Movement. Sobs. Groans.)
Okay, okay, right, I’m kneeling up, which is good. I am trying to breathe right and panting lots so that’s also good.
(More panting.)
But I am pushing and nothing is happening. My baby is not here. I can’t see anything because my tummy is massive.
I’m going to have to feel for my baby. I can’t leave it there, I can’t not know, I have to just do it.
Okay. Fuck.
This is … Christ it’s a mess down there … Jesus, is that blood? Should there be that much blood?? Okay … feeling … now … ha!
I can feel it!
My baby, I can feel its head! It’s just inside! It’s here! It’s here!
I can do this! I can do this!
Recording ends.
INSERT: ITEM #6294/2
Dictaphone Recording (Tape 2 / Recording 3)
(Transcribed)
(Hysterical sobbing.)
It’s stuck, my baby’s stuck.
The head is just at the opening, but I’ve been pushing for fifteen minutes and it’s not moving. It’s stuck.
I can’t get it out. I can’t get a hold on the head. I’ve tried to get it but I can’t, it’s too slippery.
(Sobs.)
I’m so tired.
I think my baby is dead.
(Weeping and movement.)
I have to cut myself. I don’t have a choice. I can’t do anything else. I have to cut myself and hope the baby comes out and that I don’t cut the head.
(Clattering and movement. Panting.)
I can’t see what I am doing. I don’t know how to do this … I just have to hope … please God, if there is anyone anywhere please help me to save my baby, please let me …
(Screams.)
It hurts, it hurts so bad. I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I can’t see … I can’t feel if …
(Screams.)
Oh fuck, I’m tearing … it’s tearing me …
(Yells of pain. Grunts of exertion.)
Oh God, oh God, the head’s out. The head’s out! I can feel it! I can feel the head!
I need to wait for the next contraction … come on … come on …
(Pants and grunts.)
Got to … get … the shoulders … out! They’re out! The shoulders are out! Oh God, it’s coming! My baby is coming …
It’s out.
(Hysterical sobbing and laughter.)
It’s a girl! I’ve got a little girl!
(Movement, panting, more movement.)
She’s not crying.
She should be crying. Please cry! I can’t remember what to do if she’s not crying.
She’s not the right colour. She should be turning pink. Why is she still blue?
Please cry!
She’s not breathing.
She’s not breathing!
(Frantic sounds of movement, a dog barking, three loud slaps.)
(A tiny cough. A baby cries weakly.)
(Laughing and sobbing.)
That’s it! That’s my good girl!
(Laughter and kisses and movement.)
(Baby cries louder.)
(Some time passes.)
(When she speaks again the voice is weaker.)
That’s it.
She’s breathing and she’s pink and she’s beautiful!
She’s beautiful.
And we are lying together in our nest. Yes we are! Aren’t we little one!
She’s beautiful and perfect and tiny. And shhh, shhhh, it’s okay my sweet love. Mummy’s here. I’m here to take care of you. I love you. It’s okay.
(Baby gurgles and hiccups.)
Hello! Hello, my darling. Welcome to our world.
(Pause. Groaning and deep breaths.)
I think … ooh … okay … that’s fine … that’s just the placenta … that’s supposed to happen. It’s fine … I’ll be fine … that’s fine. Let’s just rest for a bit …
(Pause.)
Grace … your name is Grace …
(Baby coos and makes clucking baby noises.)
That’s a good girl … here … you want to feed? Let’s try feeding you …
(Noises of baby suckling.)
There we go my darling … such a good girl …
That’s a lot of blood … not sure how much is normal … I should have read more about what happens after. Mummy isn’t very good at planning!
(Very weak laughter.)
You’re hungry. That’s it.
Look Lucky!
She’s here!
Our darling Grace is here.
(Deep breathing.)
We did it.
I did it.
I’m just … really …
I don’t know, all that blood …
I feel a bit … I think I’m just tired …
… we’re fine, you feed and then we can get up and think about moving if this rain doesn’t stop …
… it’s getting quite high … I need to clean this blood up …
… you’re fine, fine …
… so much blood … I’m just tired … I’m fine … just tired …
… I’m just going to close my eyes … just for a moment …
… just a little sleep for Mummy and …
… then I’ll clean up the blood …
… just a few minutes and …
… then …
… we’ll get up …
(Rain continues to drum on the roof.)
(Dog starts to bark.)
(Baby starts crying.)
(These noises continue for 4.38 minutes.)
Recording ends.
Catalogue number: UK6294
Item(s): One handwritten diary, two 30-minute Philips LFH0005 mini-cassettes, eleven child’s drawings.
(Original diary and mini-cassettes transcribed by Ms Bethany Clift – April 2042)
Date of discovery/location/finder: 26 May 2041/The Seaview Café, Marine Parade, Dover, United Kingdom/Corporal Timothy Jones (C23967)
Details: Diary and tapes found on table in café.
No other items found on site.
History team found and excavated location of ‘Hobbit House’ in Norfolk. Land Rover Defender abandoned in driveway. Three graves at back of house contained chicken and dog bones. No other bodies or bones found at location.
House was in significant state of disrepair having been empty for many years. Contained clothing and items from one female adult and one female child (up to age 6). Walls covered with crayon drawings depicting house, river and various animals. These drawings were added to the catalogue.
It is not known how the diary and tapes travelled from Norfolk to Dover.
Sixteen people were rescued alive from Great Britain between 2025 and 2027. No children were rescued, and no adult matched the description of the diary author.
The author’s name and the current status of her, and the child (Grace), are unknown.
Review Last One at the Party here
Acknowledgements
My thanks must go firstly to my amazing agency, Jonathan Clowes and especially to my incredible agent, Cara Lee Simpson, who has literally made my dreams come true. Not only is Cara a brilliant agent, she is also an insightful reader, gives excellent advice, answers my endless questions, calms my every panicked outburst and is an all-round lovely human being. I am incredibly lucky that she is my agent and I cannot thank her enough for all she has done, and continues to do, for me.
Secondly, to my wonderful editor, Kimberley Atkins, who has made the entire editing experience (which I was dreading) a complete joy. Kim has helped me to improve my book beyond my wildest expectations and made me a far better writer in the process. She is kind, patient and bloody brilliant at her job and, like the Land Rover in my novel, I highly, highly recommend her to anyone looking for a fantastic editor. My thanks also to the entire team at Hodder who have been am
azing from the start. They have all been so enthusiastic about my book, worked so hard to make it a success and given me the most stunning cover and brilliant marketing campaign. I am forever in their debt.
To my Mum and Dad – thank you for all your love, support, childcare, ideas, gentle but insistent nudging in the right direction and for believing that I would get to where I was going some day, even if I took the roundabout route. I can only apologise that the first book ever dedicated to you both starts with the words ‘Fuck You’. Please forgive me, I love you both beyond words.
To my brother and sister, Amanda and Ben, for always supporting me in my adventures even as they were undertaking their own. To have siblings that I can forever count on to be there in both good and bad times is a blessing that I cherish – plus you are both always willing to head down the pub to celebrate or commiserate at a moment’s notice which is also a blessing and one that is most under-rated.
Thanks also to my extended family – Alison, Richard and all the Handfords and Robinsons who have been nothing but supportive and lovely throughout. I am so lucky to have family ties with, and be married into, such a brilliant group of people.
To my friends who have listened to me go on and on about my book and not once told me shut up – or at least not to my face. And, in particular to Amanda (again) and to Claire Williams who read the submitted version of the novel and gave hugely valuable feedback and support at a time when I was having a major wobble. Thank you.
To my NHS colleagues who do such incredible and difficult jobs day in, day out and yet still found time to listen to me, advise me and support me and who, mostly, managed to successfully hide their shock when they learnt I had actually secured a publishing deal. I am proud of our NHS, proud to say I worked for the NHS and proud to say I was your colleague. In particular I would like to thank Jo Franklin who has been a relentless supporter of my career, in all its many facets, since she first met me. Jo – your constant belief in me has helped me through my many moments of self-doubt, so thank you for everything.
And last, but most definitely not least, to my family. Sam and Tilly – you have no idea what my book is about and will most definitely not be reading it until you are at least eighteen. But, when you do finally read it, I would like you to know how much I love you and how much it helped that you just accepted that Mummy was writing as the reason why I couldn’t do any of the thousands of things you asked in the last couple of years. Also – always be the person you want to be and never give up on your dreams – no matter what Daddy and I say!
Pete – I don’t have space to write about all the things you have given or done for me that I am thankful for – I tried but Hodder refused to make the book 100 pages longer. You are my love, my light, my rock and my happiness. You support me in everything I do, love me just the way I am and always dance just because you want to. I am not a good enough writer to express as eloquently and expansively as I would like how much I love you but I will keep trying and, maybe by the time I write the acknowledgements for my tenth book, I will have managed it. I love you.
Finally(!) book acknowledgements are hard to write because they are set in stone. They are not like Oscar acceptance speeches where they are played once and then mostly forgotten about, if I have forgotten to thank someone here then these pages exist as a constant reminder. So – if it is you that I have forgotten then I can only apologise. Feel free to let me know the next time I see you and I will definitely include you in the next ones.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the novel.
Beth xx
Stay in touch …
@Beth_Clift
/beth_writes_stuff
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