He looked down in his lap, then back up at me. "Everyone except Drake survived. His body was found a couple of weeks ago by French coastguards."
I shuddered at the thought of his lifeless body floating in the ocean. Though what he did was wrong, leaving me and Mateo on the island, he was a special person in my heart.
I bit into the cold cut sandwich that was given to me. I almost spat it back out because I hadn't eaten anything except fish in so long. But the food warmed my stomach.
"How did you find us?" I asked.
"Well, to be honest, we thought you died. But I couldn't help but continue to search for you. So when the French coastguards gave up two weeks after the ship went down. I had to hire my own private company to come look for you."
"There were so many hurdles we had to jump through," Dylan began. "We had to consult with the coastguards before we could start looking or they would have arrested us. We would have found you guys sooner."
"It's alright, we're happy you did. I'm so fucking grateful that you came or else we were planning to sail on a raft we built," I said.
Dylan and Jay got married before I departed for the season. The way they sat next to each other with their arms and legs touching was beautiful.
I could tell that their relationship was going strong from the way their eyes met when one of them was talking. Their rose gold wedding bands shimmered in the mid-afternoon sun. I wanted that with Mateo.
"How are my parents doing?" I asked.
"I've been talking to them a lot," Jay began. "They've been devastated and every time I call, I can hear your mom crying. They'll be really happy to see you."
"What's the plan from here?" Mateo asked.
"That's a good question," Jay said. "We'll head to France and take the first flight back home. Where's home for you, Mateo?"
"Venezuela," Mateo said.
"Is that where you wanna go?" Jay asked.
I looked at him expectantly for his answer. Mateo nodded then looked at me. I pulled a tight smile over my face but I was sad we were going to part ways. This was the end.
When we landed, we were faced with a swarm of reporters trying to take our photos. Apparently, it was a huge story that started with the discovery of Drake's body.
Jay must have noticed my discomfort and asked the photographers for some privacy. We had a driver bring us to a hotel to stay for the night before we flew home the next morning. All I wanted was to be back in Canada, even though this would be my last night with Mateo.
Seeing other people for the first time was an odd experience after being in isolation for so long. I felt like a caveman transported into a different time.
When Mateo and I checked into a hotel room together, I went to the bathroom and saw my reflection for the first time. The sun had tanned my skin bronze and my long hair and beard left me unrecognizable. My body was thicker than I had ever seen it before, my muscles were ripped even under the shirt Jay lent me.
I grabbed the razor on the counter and put some shaving cream on my face. Starting on my cheeks, I scraped the blades against my beard and watched it fall into the sink. The running tap reminded me of the sound of the ocean.
When I was done, I looked into the mirror again, still feeling like I was an alien trapped inside someone else's body.
I walked back out and saw Mateo sprawled under the covers of our king sized bed and was passed out. I'd never heard him snore before but the poor guy must have been exhausted.
There was a knock on the door and it startled me. I looked into the peephole and saw it was Jay. His handsome smile reminded me that everything was okay. I've known this guy for almost two decades and if he wasn't the one who saved us, I don't know who would.
I opened the door and let him in but he stayed in the hallway.
"Let's get a beer at the bar," he said.
"You know me so well," I said. "Let me leave Mateo a note in case he wakes up, he's sleeping."
I walked back in and wrote on the notepad provided by the hotel then placed it on the pillow next to him. I brushed his hair back and kissed him on the forehead.
The bar was in the lobby of the hotel. It was decorated with white columns and gray marble floors. The bar was empty besides for the bartender. An old man sat by the window with a glass of scotch reading the newspaper. I caught a glimpse of the front page, and on it was a photograph of my ship. It was crazy that I was in the news.
We ordered the usual, two pints of Guinness. The initial sip of the sweet creaminess felt as good as sex.
"So, this Mateo guy, he's more than a friend I can tell," Jay said.
"I don't know what it is between me and him. I like him a lot. But being stuck somewhere with someone for three months makes the mind behave in crazy ways."
"I understand, I can't even imagine how hard it was. I'm glad to have you back buddy."
"Mateo was my rock in all this or I would have gone insane." I looked down at my Guinness.
"Remy, you're the strongest man I know. Was it that hard?"
"It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Just the idea of not knowing what would happen and not being able to see my family and friends again killed me. At one point I had to let go and say let's just be here forever and not leave that up to chance."
"But you're here now, Remy. You're here with me."
Jay grabbed onto my hand.
"You know Remy, those months you were missing. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what would happen if I lost you. I was almost in tears every night. But I didn't give up. I took a lot of time off work to look for you and try in whatever way I could. I would have kept looking forever until I had an answer."
His words cut deep in my soul. He reminded me that I was loved, that my life wasn't over. This feeling made me a little more whole again.
"So what now?" I asked.
I felt lost. As a man in my forties who thought I had my life together, I realized that everything was still so unpredictable.
"Let's go home, let’s take you home, Remy."
Still, I was so unsure. What was going to happen with me and Mateo?
Jay waved at the waiter for two more pints.
Then we sat there, Jay's hand still on mine and we slowly sipped on our beer. No words had to be said.
*****
We went up the elevator and Jay gave me one last hug before we parted ways down each wing of the hall.
After five or six beers, the lights in the hallway looked a bit washed out and hazy.
I looked at my key card to remind myself of the room number and entered at the last unit at the end of the hallway.
The room was dark except for the white light on the television illuminating the white walls.
"Hello?" I called out in the quiet room. The volume was turned all the way down.
"I'm here," Mateo called out gently.
I walked into the room and was happy to see him. He was propped up on the bed, shirtless with the white sheets draped over his legs.
I crawled up onto the bed and held him in my arms. His hair was damp and he smelled nice and clean.
"Are you hungry?" I asked him.
He shook his head.
We both looked at the muted TV that was playing the news.
"Just catching up on everything I missed in the past few months," he said.
I held him in my arms, I could feel his racing heart while watching the TV. Seeing photos of us on the big screen, my heart was racing too.
"I know there's something on your mind," I said.
"There is. How do you know?"
"I can feel it."
He turned to me and smiled.
"Should we talk about what we're going to do?" Mateo asked.
"I think so. It's time."
"What's going to happen? You know, with me and you?" Mateo asked.
"I want to know what you want."
"Well, we're worlds apart from each other and I don't know if we can work things out. I'm unsure, Remy. I don't know if it
's the right thing to do, to commit to each other at this time."
My heart tore up inside. Suddenly, I felt myself pushing away from him.
"That's a bit pessimistic to look at it like that," I said. I raised my voice without realizing it.
"Remy, it's not what I want, I am still too young to settle down, and there's the whole world to explore still. It's not doable."
"So does it mean I'll never see you again?"
"It doesn't mean that, no. I would love to see you again, I would be devastated if I didn't."
"Then why can't we be together?"
"Be together where? When? How? You're not thinking right, you're too caught up in everything that has happened."
"I'll go to Venezuela with you, or you can come to Canada with me," I said.
"And do what? Our lives aren't in those cities together, we'll be lost like we were on that island."
"So this is it? This is what it's going to come down to?"
"Well, we can enjoy this last evening that we have together before we leave."
"That sounds fucking sad to me, that sounds like you're giving up."
"Or it can be a beautiful thing," Mateo smiled.
He turned to me and kissed me on the lips making me feel everything so much more. Making me wish I had never met him if I knew it would hurt me this much letting him go.
"I will be here for you always, I will be with you in this universe," Mateo said. "If we survived what we went through, we can survive anything, together or apart. It will be a beautiful thing."
I didn't have any words. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do.
So I just held him that night knowing that things would never be the same. I held him knowing that this will be the last night I would see the young man who would have forever changed my life.
I tried to quiet my mind but I was bombarded with thoughts of his words, thoughts of what would happen in the future. And I guess that's just the kind of man I am, worried and scared beneath this strong exterior. Mateo who was nearly half the size of me, made me feel like he knew so much more of the world. He knew things I didn't and I wish he would share his wisdom with me. I wish he would tell me all he knew in one sentence so I could know too.
But I continued to hold him in my arms and my mind began to quiet just a bit while the sun was coming up. The one that we watched every day on the island reminding us that there was one more day. One more day to enjoy. And maybe that's how it should have been. Maybe this was how I needed to cherish this life I had.
The view of the sunrise was almost like we were on a different planet. Both of us stared intently at it as it shone through the jagged roofs and buildings. It cast light and shadows and reflected surfaces that I hadn't seen in so long.
With Mateo in my arms, I knew we were both in awe. And I was happy to share this experience with him. I was ready now, to let him go, not because I wanted to but because I loved him. Because I knew what he wanted and I needed to respect that.
As the sun reached its ephemeral destination in the sky, Mateo sank deeper into my chest. The warmth of his body felt hotter than the sun shining through the window. It was hotter than the largest flame, hotter than the brightest star.
And I was content to feel it, content to know we had our time together. Content that I met such a great man in my life. In my arms, Mateo fell asleep and I was content that he did so in my arms.
To feel devastated and happy at the same time was something I had never felt before. Mateo was the reason I felt this and once again I was grateful.
18
Mateo
The airport was eerie in the quiet hours of the morning. The overcast sky let in a greyish-white light through the windows. In my hand was my ticket home to Venezuela.
It was just me and Remy there now. His eyes were glossy from staying up with me. I could tell this was as hard for him as much as it was for me.
"I'll contact you as soon as I get to Venezuela," I said.
"You better. I hope you get the answers you're looking for from your family."
"I don't know what they'll say now that all this has happened. I wonder if they'll finally accept me after knowing I was almost gone forever."
"Well there are two possibilities," Remy said almost matter of fact. "They'll either accept you or they won't. But as long as you accept yourself it will be alright because at the end of the day you have a lot to be proud of."
"Like what?" I asked.
"You're stronger than you let on, Mateo. Emotionally and physically. You survived this. You survived everything we've gone through and you could have done it without me."
"That's a lie. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you."
"Yes, I hate to admit it but I needed you more than you needed me, and you were there for me when I couldn't be for you."
When I looked into his eyes, I saw his honesty. It was endearing.
“We both went through a lot and we can use everything we've learned for the rest of our lives. We should both be grateful for that."
"Promise me one thing," Remy said. "Don't ever forget about me."
I looked down and smiled.
"You'll always hold a special place in my heart."
Remy grabbed me and pulled me close, kissing my lips tenderly. I closed my eyes and I had a flashback of when we first met in the bar in France.
I buried my face in his rugged neck smelling his scent for the last time. The smell reminded me of all the times he held me at night on that island.
I couldn't bring myself to say that it was his presence that made me feel safe. It was his nurturing words that let me know I was cared for. It was his acceptance of me that made me feel whole because no one has ever accepted me for me.
I couldn't let him know that. I couldn't have him know how needy I was for acceptance because he'll turn away like all the others had in the past.
I looked up at the screen and saw that my flight was boarding soon and it was my time to go.
"We'll keep in touch," I said.
"I'll be there for you always," Remy said.
I released myself from his arms. I turned and walked down the atrium without looking back, but I knew his eyes were on me the whole time.
*****
When I touched down in Venezuela, I wasn't surprised to see that no one was at the airport to greet me. I hadn't contacted anyone beforehand and I'm not sure they knew I was even alive. But there was a feeling on the flight that they could have known or would have cared.
I took the bus back to my family's house which was a bit out of the city in the countryside. The bumpy bus rattled some of my nerves away. I reminded myself everything that Remy had told me. I had gone through this much and this was just another speed bump in my life.
The bus dropped me at the corner of my street. The air was hot and muggy that day, leaving my neck wet and sticky. I used my hand to wipe it off.
I walked up the steps to the front portico slowly and part of me wanted to turn away. An image flashed in my mind of having the door slam in my face as soon as I opened it, or worse, my parents forgetting who I was.
I dragged my feet for the last few steps and before I could knock, the door opened. My mom's face peered on from behind the screen door, her eyes swelled up like she was about to cry.
She opened the screen door and brought me into her arms, she pressed my face into her chest.
"I miss you so much, my baby. I am glad you're home," she said.
"I miss you too, mom."
I was hit with delicious smells of my parents’ cooking as soon as I walked in. My dad walked out of the kitchen with his apron on. He dropped whatever metal utensil in his hand and it clanked on the floor. Then he held me in his arms.
"My son, you are home."
"I am," I said.
I kept quiet because hugging them in that moment was all I needed.
"I am almost done cooking dinner, you must be hungry," Dad said almost casually.
I nodded th
inking about how much I missed home cooked meals.
"I can set the table," I said.
I walked through my house and nothing had changed. A small T.V. was playing the game in the living room. A half-knitted blanket draped on the side of the couch with sewing needles on top of it.
In the hallway towards the kitchen were photos of my family and myself.
Remy by the Sea Page 13