I Wished For You

by Colette Davison

  "What's up?" Connor asked again as he unwrapped his burger.

  "Can't I buy my friend lunch without something being wrong?"

  "Yes, but there is something bothering you." Connor took a bite of his burger, throwing the conversation back over to Matt.

  "It sucks that you have to work most weekends."

  Connor stared at his friend long and hard. "You didn't buy me lunch to talk about my work schedule. Come on, out with it."

  "Things got weird last night." Matt looked glum. "Again."

  "With Seb?" Connor felt a tightness in his chest.

  "Yeah." Matt played with the foil wrapper around his burger.

  "Do I have to pull it out of you, or are you going to tell me what happened?" Connor wasn't sure he wanted the details of the situation, but he did want to be there for his friend.

  Matt's shoulders slumped. He stared up at the pale blue sky for a few seconds before letting out a long, mournful sigh.

  Concern twisted at Connor's gut. Whatever had happened, it couldn’t be that bad, could it? "Matt?"

  "He offered me a blow job."

  All Connor could do was stare, which he realised wasn't helpful. The concern he'd felt turned sour and twisted into something unpleasant as his chest clenched tighter. A single wish flitted through his thoughts, as fleeting and fragile as a butterfly: I wish I'd been there. It made him stiffen. He straightened his back, staring past Matt at nothingness. Even if I had been, what difference would it have made? I can't be with either of them. I can't put them through the pain when… He bit his lip and forced himself to focus his stare on Matt.

  "Seb was joking," Matt added hurriedly. "At least, I think he was." He shook his head. "Damnit. Before that stupid camping trip and those stupid kisses, I wouldn't have even batted an eyelid at him making a remark like that."

  "Seb likes to joke around as much as you do," Connor said quietly.

  "Exactly." Matt nodded his head hard, like a demented nodding dog on a car dashboard. "It's not the first time he's shot his mouth off and made lewd comments to one of us. It just…"

  "Confused you?" Connor asked. It wasn't hard to guess, given the conflict that was making all of Matt's features tight.

  "Yes," Matt admitted. "Which is crazy. I'm straight. I've never even taken a second look at a guy before, let alone thought about kissing one or…" He puffed out his cheeks. "But since that kiss… I don't know what the hell is going on with me." He turned his face to stare into Connor's eyes, his expression wretched. "Part of me was tempted."

  Connor's chest squeezed harder still. If it hurt anymore, he wouldn't be able to breathe. His own discomfort didn't matter. Matt needed him.

  "There's nothing wrong with being curious," he said.

  "I guess." It didn't sound like Matt was convinced. "Like you said, I'm confused. I don't know what to think or what to do."

  Connor stared down at his half-finished burger, not feeling like taking another bite, even though it would give him time to think of something useful or supportive to say.

  "There are no rules that say you can't start liking guys, just because you haven't before."

  Matt's mouth twisted. "I don't like guys, Con. I might like Seb."

  Matt's admission felt like a stab in the gut.

  Let them be happy. They don't need me.

  "I'm probably just frustrated," Matt went on. His tone of voice made it sound like he was trying to brush his own comments off. "It's been a while since I split up with Vicki, and that kiss has my head all turned around and back to front. Do you know what I mean?"

  Connor understood the last part just fine. Except his confusion was different. He'd known for a while that he might want something more with either one of his friends, but it had always been easy to push those thoughts aside and forget about them, knowing they were off limits. Now there was a slight possibility that one, or maybe even both of them, could be available, but he knew he still couldn't act on his feelings. It wouldn't be fair of him to mess with them like that.

  Matt was still talking, so Connor blinked away his thoughts and concentrated on his friend.

  "For a bit, I actually wondered what it would feel like." Matt's voice was low and cautious. "You know… how different it would be for a man to suck me off rather than a woman."

  Connor felt heat rise to his face.

  "Sorry," Matt said. "Too much information." He stared at Connor again. "Have you ever let a guy suck you off?"

  Connor shook his head.

  "Sometimes I wish I was like you."

  "Like me?" Connor asked.

  "Yeah. Happy without a significant other in your life."

  Connor wouldn't exactly say he was happy to be forever single, but it was for the best. He pursed his lips, understanding what Matt had really meant. "Happy without sex, you mean?"

  Matt stifled a cough. "Yeah." Matt tilted his head to the side a little, his stare settling on Connor's cheek. "You are happy, aren't you?"

  Connor couldn't answer that. He had a job he liked and a flat he'd made homey. He had Seb and Matt. But he also had the too real possibility of losing his mind and dying young ahead of him, and that gilded everything in his life with a bitter edge. Aware that Matt was still looking at him, he lifted his hand to the spot on his cheek where Matt's stare was burning a hole.

  "You've got a grease stain." Matt's cheeks flushed.

  A shiver crept across Connor's shoulders. He dropped his hand. "I'm a mechanic. It's pretty much par for the course that I'm going to end up filthy."

  "True." Matt briefly looked into Connor's eyes before returning his stare to the grease. "Are you happy, Con?"

  "Mostly."

  Matt's eyes narrowed.

  "You know me. I can get a bit melancholy thinking about Mum and…" He sighed. "But I know you and Seb are there to cheer me up if I need."

  "What about the physical stuff?" Matt picked at his burger wrapper again.

  "What about it?"

  "I hadn't realised until last weekend that you'd never…" Matt dipped his chin to his chest. "You haven't, have you? I'm not misinterpreting what you said?"

  "You're not," Connor said softly. "I have taken the odd person home, but we never got much further than kisses. It didn't feel right." Because he'd secretly been in love with Seb and Matt, and just kissing someone else had felt like cheating. It wasn't a rational feeling, but he'd felt it nonetheless. "Since when do you get embarrassed talking about this stuff?" Connor asked as Matt's lips twisted into a self-conscious grimace.

  "Since those fucking kisses," Matt replied after a long pause. "I'd never thought about either of you as anything other than friends before that."

  "And now?" Connor wasn't sure why he even wanted to know. It wouldn't fix anything. Knowing Matt might like Seb would only hurt him.

  "I think those kisses opened my mind to the possibility that Seb could like us more than as friends. And maybe that got me wondering if I could too." He had gone back to staring at the grease stain on Connor's cheek.

  Connor lifted his hand to rub at it again, as though he could get rid of it and end Matt's scrutiny. "And do you like Seb that way?" he asked, knowing that Matt's answer would be like ripping a plaster off a festering wound.

  "Yeah." Matt finally looked away. "I think I might like you that way, too."

  Connor blinked. His breath hitched in his throat. It was like Matt had clicked his fingers and removed the vice from around Connor's chest; like he could breathe again.

  "I wouldn't even be having these thoughts if Seb hadn't kissed us both and I should be able to put a lid on them."

  Connor chewed his bottom lip. "Is that what you want to do?" Is that what I want him to do?

  "I don't know, Con. I have no fucking clue what I want. My head's a mess." He tapped it with his forefinger. "The only thing I knew for certain this morning was that I wanted to talk over with you what had happened last night."

  "I'm not sure how much help I can be. My head's been a bit of mess since la
st weekend, too."

  "It has?" Matt's eyes widened. "Have you…" He swallowed. "Have you thought about us like that?"

  "Yes." It felt weird admitting it out loud. Connor wasn't even sure why he had.

  "Because of what happened last weekend?" Matt asked in a quiet voice.

  It was Connor's turn to look away. He shifted his stare to the tops of the buildings. They were mostly made of glass, so the sun glinted off them painfully.

  "No." He blinked his eyes, which were growing heavy with tears. He could have blamed it on staring at the reflection of the sun, but he would have been lying. "I've liked you both for a long time." It was hard to force the words out around the lump in his throat. "But I knew neither of you felt the same way."

  "Why didn't you say something?"

  "I didn't want to fuck up our friendship." He ran his tongue over his wind-dried lips. "I can't have a relationship with anyone, Matt. It wouldn't be fair."

  "Why?"

  "You know why. You saw what happened to Mum."

  Matt squeezed his shoulder. "You don't know that, Con. None of us have a crystal ball. You're just as likely to be sharp as a razor's edge until you die at a ripe-old age."

  Connor scrunched his eyes shut. He wanted to believe that, but he couldn't. He'd watched his mum change from an intelligent, funny, articulate woman to someone who sat in a chair, rocking and crying because she didn't know where or who she was. He opened his eyes when Matt spoke softly to him.

  "Does Seb know how you feel about him?"

  "About both of you," Connor corrected. "And no, he doesn't."

  Matt exhaled slowly. "Thanks for telling me. It means a lot that you trust me that much."

  They sat in silence for a few seconds, their lunch going cold in their hands.

  "So what do we do?" Matt asked eventually.

  "I don't know," Connor breathed. Was forgetting about it an option?

  "I think we need to talk to Seb," Matt said decisively.

  Connor shrank away from him.

  "I'm serious, Con. Everything's changed, and we can either act like adults and sort things out, or we can let it fester and destroy our friendship. Is that what you want to happen?"

  Connor shook his head.

  "Come over after work today. I can brief Seb beforehand, if you like."

  "Please." It would save Connor the embarrassment of making his admission a second time.

  Matt stood and stared down at Connor. "We'll figure this out," he said in a tone that was none too confident. "You'll see. In a few days—maybe a few weeks—everything will be back to normal, and we'll all joke about it."

  "Yeah," Connor agreed, though he doubted that would happen.

  For better or worse, everything about their friendship was changing.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Seb

  Seb was reading some court documents in preparation for a meeting on Monday when Matt returned to the flat. They hadn't talked much since the previous night. They'd crossed paths at breakfast, and then Matt had headed out.

  "Matt, can we talk?" Seb asked as Matt trudged through the sitting room towards his room.

  Matt paused. "Con's coming over in a bit. After he's finished up at the garage."

  Seb's eyebrows raised. "He called you?" He couldn't deny that he felt a small thrill at the thought of seeing Connor. They hadn't had a chance to visit since they'd come back from camping, and he'd missed his friend more than usual.

  Matt shook his head. "I went to see him." His shoulders slumped. "Don't be mad."

  "Why would I be mad?"

  Matt sighed and sat down on the end of the sofa, his body angled towards Seb. "I needed to talk to someone about last night."

  Seb tried to banish the smile that crept over his lips. He wasn't even sure why he was smiling. It was one of those weird involuntary things. He actually felt nervous as hell. "I'm sorry for being an idiot last night, and I'm glad you felt you could talk to Connor about it."

  Matt peered at him. "You're not…"

  "What? Jealous?" It was the only word that seemed to fit right now.

  "Yeah," Matt huffed out.

  "Why the hell would I be jealous?"

  Matt shrugged slowly.

  Seb almost reached out to him but thought better of it at the last second. Instead, he tidied up the documents, tapping them into a neat pile on his thighs. "I was a total idiot last night. I shouldn't have teased you the way I did, especially after last weekend." He paused as his throat tightened. His next words would feel like a punch to his own gut. "It meant nothing."

  Matt turned away, his shoulders stiff.

  "I'm clearly not making a good job of this apology." Again, Seb wanted to touch his friend; perhaps lay his hand on Matt's shoulder. A supportive squeeze couldn't hurt, right? He kept his hand to himself.

  "You are."

  Confusion flooded through Seb.

  "The thing is…" Matt thatched his fingers between his spread knees. He breathed in deeply.

  Was he gathering the courage to speak? Seb found himself holding his breath in nervous anticipation.

  "I thought about saying yes," Matt blurted out.

  "You…?" Seb blinked and shook his head, wondering if he'd imagined those words. He had to have imagined it.

  "I thought about saying yes," Matt repeated slowly. "I've thought about nothing else since then." He twisted round to face Seb. "My head is so fucked up right now, which is why I went to talk to Connor. I thought putting it out into the cold light of day would help me make sense of it."

  "But?"

  Matt's eyebrows slanted up and squeezed together. "My thoughts jumped between what it might feel like to have your mouth around my cock and what it would be like to kiss Connor." His face had gone puce whilst he'd been speaking. He looked away again, rubbing the back of his neck as though he'd done something naughty and was waiting to be shouted at.

  Seb's heart was jackhammering in his chest. He tried to rein in his thoughts. Matt's admission wasn't a declaration of love. He wasn't asking Seb to get down on his knees and suck him off ever, let alone then and there. He was clearly confused. Conflict rippled across his features, setting his jaw and shoulders into a hard, defensive line.

  "I didn't admit that last part to Connor," Matt said. "But I figured we needed to talk. Properly talk," he emphasised. "No deflecting. No papering over cracks. We all have to be absolutely honest."

  "I can do that," Seb said quietly. At least he hoped he could. If he were completely honest, he was worried that he'd push both his friends away forever.

  "I'm not sure it's going to be so easy for Con," Matt said.

  "Oh?"

  "He admitted a couple of things that I hadn't known." Matt rolled his eyes. "Or maybe I didn't want to know. Before."

  Seb put the court documents on the floor, at the side of the sofa, before returning his full attention to Matt. "Like?" Seb sucked in a breath. "It's okay if it was told to you in confidence. I wouldn't expect you to break that."

  "No… he gave me permission to talk to you." Matt inhaled. "He's liked us both for a while."

  Seb laughed. "I should hope so, considering how long we've been friends."

  Matt scowled at him. "Like, like."

  "Oh." Seb dropped his stare to his own hands. "I didn't know." How hadn't he known? And now that he did? He felt like a giddy teenager. His heart was fluttering, and his stomach was flipping.

  "Con always was good at camouflage," Matt reminded him. "I guess we both forgot that after his mum died."

  "Why didn't he tell us?" To not make things weird? To not lose their friendship?

  "He's convinced he's going to get dementia and die in his forties, like his mum."

  "Shit." Seb dragged air into his lungs so sharply it was almost painful. He should have known that too.

  "Anyway, it took a lot for him to admit that much," Matt said. "So I offered to pave the way, so to speak, so he didn't have to go through it again. Our boy is messed up."

 
"Yeah," Seb agreed. "Fuck."

  Matt raised his eyebrows.

  "We should have known, Matt." What kind of a friend did it make either of them, that they hadn't?

  "Connor didn't want us to know," Matt said sharply. "That was his choice. And seriously, what would we have said? Hey, Con, it's kind of weird that you've never had a girlfriend. Or boyfriend," he added hastily. "What gives?"

  Seb snorted. "When you put it that way… It would have made us huge fucking jerks."

  "Exactly. And for the record, I never thought it was weird that he didn't want a partner. I was just making a point."

  "I know."

  Matt stood. "I'm going to my room for a bit."

  "You don't need to. If I've made you feel uncomfortable because of what happened last night, I'm the one who should make myself scarce. This is your flat." He stood, coming face-to-face with Matt. "I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you can't be around me."

  "It's not your fault. You've done nothing wrong. Besides, didn't I just tell you that I'd thought about saying yes?"

  Seb felt momentarily heady. "So, why are you running away from me?"

  Matt flicked his eyes upwards as he held a breath, which caused his broad chest to puff out for a few seconds. "If I hang around in here, with you, I might do something that really will change everything."

  Seb arched an eyebrow. He couldn't help but be curious. His mind screamed at him not to ask, but his voice ran away with him. "Like?"

  A tidal wave of red blossomed at Matt's neck, just beneath the collar of his casual shirt, and worked its way up to his hairline. "Ask for that blow job," he whispered. "Push you back down onto that sofa and kiss you." He stared into Seb's eyes as he spoke. His conflict was still painfully obvious, but there was also an unmistakable flash of desire.

  Seb had to bite his lower lip to stop it from quivering with need. His whole body shook. He wanted to grab Matt's face and drag him into a hot kiss. Or hell, if Matt asked him to, he'd drop down on his knees right there and worship Matt's cock. But he knew he couldn't do anything to enhance Matt's confusion. If Matt really did want him, he had to say so. He had to make the first move.