by Laura Brown
He moved to his desk, collecting paperwork. “You ready?”
“Yes.” She was ready, for a lot more than the meeting.
…
Nolan’s foot bounced at such a pace he almost wished Archie was on his lap as an excuse. But Izzy and the stroller stayed back in his office. The agency was closed; this meeting was happening after hours. Izzy claimed she hung around in case her computer didn’t behave, but Nolan suspected his nerves were the real reason.
The meeting had begun, and he tried his hardest to pay attention, but he couldn’t stop letting his presentation roll through his mind. The moment of truth nearly upon him. His need for this presentation to go well, for his ideas to be well received surged inside him, and no matter how hard he tried, he always prepared for another rocket incident to occur. He wouldn’t let this moment join the rest. He had his script; it would all work out. Izzy believed in him. He’d do this well and then maybe he’d believe it, too.
Then he could go after his family as someone new. Someone better, someone they deserved. He wouldn’t be dooming them to mistake after mistake. He could be the person they depended on and he wouldn’t fail them. Whatever policy would keep them apart at work, he’d advocate for a change.
And once he conquered this meeting, he’d be ready.
Deanna turned the floor over to him and he stood, his tapping foot finally leveling off. “Good evening and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to explain my role and my vision. As your new social media director, I want to update our programs and really bring us into the twenty-first century.
“Our current technologies are behind, especially in comparison to other community agencies. Our social media presence was greatly lacking. Since I’ve started, I’ve gotten us onto multiple different platforms, managing the accounts with our new office assistant. We’ve answered a lot of questions and are bringing more of our information directly to our community.”
He loaded the slideshow and pointed to the different platforms shown on the screen, reviewing each one, until an object flew by, as though attempting to be a late addition pointer. On the floor lay a pacifier.
Nolan glanced up at the door, where Archie sat, clapping.
Izzy appeared, scooping up Archie. “Sorry, I’m so sorry. I was checking an email and I don’t even know how he crawled so fast.” Her cheeks were flushed.
Embarrassment about the situation tried to seep in, Nolan’s tedious control over this one chance spiraling away. He pushed the concerns aside, determined to make it through.
“Excuse me.” Nolan bent and picked up the pacifier, and after a quick wipe against his pants, he popped it back in Archie’s mouth. The baby protested, but Nolan didn’t have time to address it.
He faced the audience again, sitting around the three tables arranged in a square. “Providing information in English isn’t enough. Many of our consumers, of our community, prefer visual language. And yet our website is all English words. We need more videos, and I hope to do live chats as well in the future. With videos we can bring better quality of information to our community and catch up to how similar agencies conduct their business.”
He rubbed his sweaty hands down his pants and continued, daring a glance at the doorway. Izzy gave him a discreet thumbs-up and Archie clapped, and Nolan nearly wanted to laugh at the two of them and their synchronized family support. Izzy turned to leave and he nearly asked her to stay. He didn’t, because he didn’t need a cheering section. He needed the chance to succeed on his own. “I’ve set up a video to give you one example of what we can show on our website, and I have a listing of other ideas focusing on each of the different programs.”
He stepped through the blinding light of the projector, over the cords and to Izzy’s computer. He found the shortcut on the desktop titled “Nolan” and clicked on it, the media player springing to life.
He expected to see his face on the screen, instead he saw images of Archie. Younger Archie, one after the other, and instead of stopping the video, he stood there like an idiot as his presentation headed south in classic Nolan fashion. Of course it wouldn’t matter how much control, or even how calm he was, something always messed things up. Something always ripped his potential from him. Defeat and anger and some other unnamed emotion soared through him and he coughed to displace it, then moved through the blinding light again to pause the video.
He faced the room and forced a smile on his face. “Sorry about that.”
Deanna looked at him, then the screen, and back again. When he turned he found an image of himself, on the couch, shirtless, asleep with an arm above his head. On his chest Archie slept in a similar position. The position called to attention their similar features, namely they had the same profile. He hadn’t noticed that before. The image damned him, even without the similar features, it proved he and Izzy were more than coworkers.
This was it. His one shot up in smoke. No matter what he did, or where he went, trouble always found him. One issue after another. He hadn’t a clue where he went from here. He’d somehow put both his and Izzy’s jobs at risk, leaking their secret in the worst moment possible.
Nolan dropped his head before meeting Deanna’s stare. “You have been spending a lot of time with Izzy and the baby, then.”
He swallowed, the sensation akin to razor blades, and signed nothing. He hadn’t a clue what he could possibly say to defuse the situation.
“Why don’t you find the right video, and you and I can have a chat later.”
Nolan ground his teeth. That didn’t sound good, not at all. Welcome to adulthood, Holtzman; you’ll never leave your past behind.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Izzy bounced a wailing Archie, trying to calm the fussing baby. He’d refused milk and didn’t need a diaper change. She couldn’t put him down or he’d just crawl back to Nolan. She hated interrupting the meeting, and even a crying baby wouldn’t have her interrupting them again. Archie finally settled down, though tiny whimpers still escaped. He gnawed on the pacifier rather than sucked, and Izzy probably needed to find something cold for his poor gums. Those teeth had better pop through soon.
She wanted to watch the meeting to see how it went. Nolan appeared to have it under control when she’d left, making his earlier worries for nothing. Her gut had absorbed those worries. She’d take all the anxious moments from him if it meant he wouldn’t have to deal with them.
Footsteps, more like stomps, echoed in the hall, and Izzy looked up as Nolan entered. She halted her movements at the look in his eyes. They were cold, harsh even, and lasered in on their son. Archie whimpered, no doubt feeling the unease Izzy currently felt, and she tucked his head farther into her chest, protective Mama Bear mode engaged.
“Why was the wrong video labeled with my name?” Nolan’s hand movements were as harsh as his eyes, and Izzy cringed, holding Archie tighter to her chest.
“You wanted the one with the program description.” Crap, she shouldn’t have left the other video on her computer, or at least renamed it. She cringed at the thought of what images might have been displayed. Her pregnant self was not a good impression at a board meeting.
“I know that. Now. I needed to know that before the meeting.”
Archie whimpered and she held him closer. She’d never seen Nolan this upset, this angry, and she didn’t know what to do to make it better.
“You had an image of me in there.”
Izzy shifted Archie, wanting to put him out of view but couldn’t move. Not the reaction she had hoped to the one picture of father and son together. “Yes. I thought you’d like it.”
He shook his head, jaw stiff. “Maybe, but now the entire board knows there’s more between us than coworkers.”
Like co-parents? She didn’t dare sign that, but wasn’t this always part of the point? They couldn’t really hide Nolan’s paternity indefinitely. “We’ll work something out. Let’s gra
b your handbook, maybe if we read it together—”
He waved, a harsh single swipe of his hand, cutting her off. “It doesn’t matter. They know. The meeting is a bust. I’ll always be a screw-up.”
Nolan paced in a small circle, and Izzy took a step closer to the stroller, not liking the rigidness to his movements, the way his muscles practically strained against his beige dress shirt. “Mistake. Everything is a mistake. Everything will always be a mistake. It’s the same thing, over and over again. Everything I do spirals downward. I started a mistake. I’ll end a mistake. And he’ll share my same fate.” His dark gaze landed on Archie.
Izzy’s heart broke in half and then reinforced with steel.
She calmly placed Archie in his stroller, pulled out his teething giraffe, and gave him a kiss on his forehead. She turned the stroller out of view before facing the man with whom she’d somehow managed to create a child. “He’s not a mistake. He never was a mistake. Unplanned? Yes. Wrong time? Perhaps. But not now and not ever a mistake.”
She ground her teeth, amazed her hands weren’t shaking like Jell-O. “But you, you are a mistake. A mistake to bring into his life. A mistake to bring back into mine. I thank you for giving me Archie, but I will not let you hurt him. Understand? You are not the man he will call Dad.”
She hadn’t known she could string together that many words and didn’t give a fuck if her signs were wrong or not. Nolan’s shoulders dropped, so she bet on her argument being made loud and clear.
“That’s my point. I am a mistake. I brought these mistakes to the next generation and I can’t be anything more. I can’t be his father.”
Izzy winced at the words. Even though they mirrored her own, they still stung, and some of the steel pulled back as her heart bled for her son. Archie would never know her father, and now this brief week with Nolan would be all he had of his own. “At least we agree.” She glanced around, a reminder that they worked together. But she no longer had a choice; she had to raise their child on her own. She tilted her chin, determined to keep the tears so far inside he’d never have a clue. “You can communicate via email at work. I’ll talk with Deanna about another arrangement. If either one of us still has a job.” Doubtful after what she’d learned about the reason for the no-dating policy. She held onto a slither of hope; if neither of them brought their personal strife into their jobs maybe, just maybe, they could keep them.
Izzy unlocked the stroller brakes and lowered the visor, trying to keep Archie in the dark. Nolan hadn’t moved from the entrance and blocked their path. Izzy wished strollers came with a spikes option to ward off asshole sperm donors.
“I’ll talk to Deanna and work something out,” he signed.
Izzy shrugged, if anything could be worked out. “Fine. Whatever. Move.”
Only Nolan didn’t budge, and Izzy debated if the stroller had enough impact to hurt Nolan and not Archie. “I didn’t mean to mess up your life, too.”
Izzy took a deep breath and prayed for patience. “You don’t get it, do you? You didn’t mess up my life until now.” He shifted to the side and she pushed past him. Once the stroller crossed the threshold to the hall she turned back. “Thank you for showing your true colors. Now I know you were good for only one thing. That one night eighteen months ago. So thanks for the sperm, that’s all we need from you.”
With those final parting words, she stalked down the hall, wheeling Archie to the stairs. She prayed Nolan wouldn’t follow as she slowly moved the stroller down. He’d done it for her the past week, but now it was all on her.
Single mother. That was her status. And she was going to rock the hell out of that title.
Her heart tore, and it would take some time to recover. Tonight, when Archie was safely asleep and she was alone in her room at her sister’s house, then she’d grieve.
Tomorrow morning she’d put this all behind her.
…
Nolan rubbed the sore spot in the center of his chest, the same spot each and every jab of Izzy’s directly hit. He did what he had to do. Had to protect Izzy and Archie from any further harm he’d undoubtedly cause them.
So why did it feel wrong?
Every fiber in his being wanted to run after Izzy. But once he got to her he hadn’t a clue what he’d do. Beg her to stay with a mistake? Hurt her more in the future? Because he knew his worth now, namely that he barely had any.
Best she learned that before things went too far.
Nolan shuffled back to the conference room, the tables set back to normal. The board members stood around in groups, chatting in lively animation. A different day and Nolan would have joined in on one of the conversations. Today he had only one goal in mind. Deanna. Instead of chatting, she collected the lingering papers strewn about. What an epic failure his presentation had been. This meeting would top the rocket incident by the end of the day—and lucky him, he had an audience.
Suck it up, Holtzman. He took a fortifying breath, forced his shoulders back, and strolled up to the front of the room with more confidence than he’d ever felt. The others glanced his way but resumed their individual conversations. “Sorry about what happened earlier,” he signed once Deanna caught his eyes.
He searched her face for anger or the like, found nothing but her usual neutral stance. “I have to share that we’re impressed with the video, the actual video.” Her lips curved, a light teasing, but Nolan felt it like a sledgehammer. “Can that play on our website?”
“Yes. We might need to increase bandwidth as we get more videos on the site, but at the start it shouldn’t pose a problem.”
“This is all wonderful and exactly why we hired you in the first place. We need this update and rejuvenation to our website. Well done.”
Her praise tasted like sawdust. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve anything. “Anyone can do this, you don’t need a screw-up.”
Deanna stepped in his direction, turning their conversation into a semi-private one. “What do you mean screw-up?”
He let out a breath. Fuck. Why had he mentioned that? Because this one little glimmer of success meant nothing, not anymore. “Do I need to remind you my sign name?”
“I think a rocket is better than a mole.” Deanna’s sign name, a D to the cheek, coincided with a dark mole she had there. “We wouldn’t have hired a screw-up. We hired a young member of our community with good ideas for the future.”
He nodded, at a loss of what to say or feel. A positive stirring attempted to break through, erase the past, but thanks to his conversation with Izzy, he’d found a different way to mess up his life.
“I have good ideas, maybe, but I wasn’t able to stop a social media blunder in New York.” He forced his hands still—stop signing! He needed to keep his job, but he deserved nothing.
Deanna gave him a tight smile. “Why don’t you go to my office and I’ll join you after I take care of these papers.”
Her face boded for not arguing. He shut up, knowing his comments were ruining things left and right, starting with Izzy, and at this point he’d managed to piss himself off. The board members glanced his way, an extra reminder he chose the wrong place and the wrong time to bring up any of this. He wondered if he’d succeeded in messing up even when things had gone well.
Once a screw-up…
He grabbed Izzy’s computer, only instead of returning it he brought it with him to Deanna’s office, loading the slideshow as he waited. Izzy’d made this for him. Because she believed in him. He didn’t deserve it, certainly not now, but for one shining moment someone besides his mother had believed he was worthy.
It wasn’t on their shoulders to manage his self-worth. He’d been hard on himself even before the rocket incident, a little kid who always had ambitions slightly out of grasp, and he knew damn well he beat himself up for not meeting unattainable goals.
His goals weren’t unattainable anymore. Doing well in
his job, being a father to Archie, both may be scary but he could do it. The control had been placed in his hands, secured there by his own insecurity. All he had to do was seize the opportunities and try his best.
A gear clicked, a lock turned. Life happened sometimes. A rocket had more power than expected, a wrong video played, a condom failed. It wasn’t the events, it was the actions and reactions. He wasn’t a screw-up because of things beyond his control. He’d become a screw-up because he let it define him.
On the screen, images of Archie and Izzy played before him. Whatever happened, this kid was not a mistake.
He paused the video with Izzy, exhausted and beautiful, lying on a colorful comforter with a bundled-up, very young Archie on her chest. He should have been there. Maybe that’s why she’d given him these images. As tired as she seemed, there was a peacefulness about her, a love she had for their kid.
No, Archie wasn’t the mistake here.
The rest of the room held color and light, and he figured this was Izzy’s room. She had one room at her sister’s house and she filled it with life. It looked like a home, whereas his place looked like a place to sleep.
He had to fix this. The image combined with the no-dating policy damned them, but there had to be a work-around. They’d both been hired after Archie’s birth. Nolan wouldn’t let a policy affect them as parents, even if someone could argue they’d been dating—or something resembling dating—this past week.
He was still staring at the image when movement caught his attention, and Deanna settled in behind her desk. Nolan quickly closed down the laptop, ready to meet his fate.
“Small communities are a bitch sometimes,” Deanna began, face not as somber as he expected. “We all know one another, and know one another’s stories, whether we truly know the person or not. I remember that rocket story from your youth, and I’ll admit I laughed and perhaps wished I had done the same when I was a kid.” She sent him a smile, but too much tumbled in his stomach to respond.