Emerson nodded, impressed. Then my phone dinged with a new message. Ella had sent me a picture of the math problem step by step.
Harper: THANKS! You’re the best :)
Ella sent me back a nerd emoji.
Ella: Got any more of those math problems?
Emerson chuckled. “Here. Send her a picture of my midterm.”
I nudged him playfully and laughed. “You are too much.”
There was an odd look on his face, one that made my breath hitch and my heart practically jump out of my rib cage. Emerson had turned his body so he was completely facing my direction, one arm on the table.
It would have been so easy to just lean in and kiss him, but I couldn’t. Nope, nope, nope. I could not do that.
Another part of me asked why not.
But no, we were just friends. I was just helping him out with summer school. In a month, it would be over, the regular school year would start, and everything would go back to the way it was before.
Emerson being the resident bad boy everyone avoided. Hanging out with my friends during lunch. Not Emerson.
Plus he didn’t do relationships.
With all those reasons firmly in mind, I put my phone down and picked up my pencil. “Okay, let’s do this.”
Emerson turned his body so that both his legs went back under the table. “Okay.”
And we went back to doing math, just math. Even though I wanted to let my gaze linger on him, I didn’t. Like he sensed what I was feeling, Emerson became all business too.
Before we could finish all the problems on his mid-term, he stood up. Hardly looking at me, he said, “I have to go.”
I blinked up at him. “But we’ve got to head to the nursing home in like five minutes.”
He picked up his skateboard. “There’s something I’ve got to do.” And without a second look toward me, he left, gone before I could say anything else.
Fourteen
That evening, I sat at home, alone and bored. My mom was working another midnight shift, and I’d finished my homework hours ago.
Dinner had been me eating leftovers in front of the TV. And for some reason, watching To All The Boys for the umpteenth time didn’t have the same appeal anymore.
Maybe because I couldn’t get my mind off of Emerson. He hadn’t shown up to the nursing home today, and I wondered if he was upset with me.
Part of it didn’t make sense because supposedly, he didn’t do relationships. He preferred being by himself, and from what I’d seen last semester, that had been true.
But was it still? What else explained those moments we had? Did he really feel something for me? Or was I just a game to him?
My heart deflated at the thought of that.
My head told me letting myself get carried away around him wasn’t a good idea.
I wouldn’t be the first girl whose heart he broke. Trying to make things work with a bad boy hadn’t gone so well for my mom. That was probably what scared me the most. I loved my mom, but I didn’t want to be in her same shoes one day.
At some point, I wanted to find a guy who’d want to be with me for the long run. I knew that wouldn’t come for a while yet, but I also didn’t want to give any part of myself to someone who wasn’t interested in being with me even as a boyfriend.
I ignored the buzzing coming from my phone and sat down on the sofa. My eyes closed on their own. I could check my notifications later. My breathing slowed. I just wanted to forget about everything and take a nap. Maybe go to bed, even though dinner had only been an hour ago. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything.
Then my phone buzzed without stopping. I opened my eyes. It was a #BFF video chat. Turning on the lamp beside me so my friends could actually see me, I answered the call.
Lena smiled back at me along with Ella.
Then Rey appeared with a wave and finally Tori.
They immediately said hi and exclaimed about Lena’s super tanned look. And Tori’s cute top.
I just smiled and listened, glad to hear their voices.
Then Ella said, “Harper, you’re being quiet tonight.”
They all quieted down, and I sat up. “Sorry, guys. I guess I’m tired.”
Tori leaned into the screen. Tonight, she was donning a high ponytail and bow, like she’d just finished cheer practice. “Well, tell us how summer school is going.”
I shrugged. “I’m sure it’s not as exciting as what you guys are doing.”
I smiled as I said it, but I could feel the pity party just beginning. What was wrong with me? I didn’t usually feel like this. I blinked hard and cleared my throat, but my voice quivered anyway. “Sorry, I just miss you guys.”
Everybody’s grins turned down, and guilt consumed me for turning this happy chat into a consolation party.
Rey said, “We miss you, too, Harp. You don’t know how bad I wish I was home. This trip has already worn me out.”
Ella nodded. “We’ll be home before you know it. Just a couple more weeks.”
It was more like a month, but all I did was nod. “You’re right. It’s just that my mom is working all the time, and there’s nothing to do.”
Tori spoke up. “How’s everything going at the nursing home? I thought that was fun.”
“It is,” I said. “I think I’m just in a weird funk right now.”
Lena stared back at me. “Just hang in there, girl. My family is talking about heading home early. My siblings and I have been telling them non-stop that we want a couple of weeks at home to settle in before school starts. I hate coming home the weekend before.”
Ella smiled. “That’s a great idea.”
Tori coughed, and then she was on screen. “Are you sure that’s all that’s going on, Harp? You know you can tell us anything, right?”
I opened my mouth, not sure how to answer that. “Well…”
Lena came in close. “Is it boy trouble?”
I bit my lip. “Nothing’s really happened. It’s just…”
“Emerson?” Ella asked.
I nodded. “Not that hard to guess, huh?”
Tori smiled. “We saw the way you looked at him.”
Rey nodded. “It sure seems like he’s the only guy you’ve crushed on since you moved here.”
Lena’s mouth turned down. “He didn’t try something on you, did he?”
I shook my head right away. “No, nothing like that.”
Tori said, “Then what is it?”
Sighing, I said, “Sometimes I think we could be more than friends.”
Lena raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t even realize you guys were friends.”
I shrugged. “It just happened, I guess. With volunteering at the nursing home. And having classes together. He actually seems kind of nice. You guys should see the way he helps Mr. Roberts. It’s the sweetest thing ever.”
Ella smiled. “Now, why didn’t you tell us any of this before, huh?”
“I guess I knew you guys didn’t think it was a good idea, me falling for a guy like Emerson. Maybe that’s why I’m kind of in a funk. I know he doesn’t have a great reputation, but sometimes I wonder if…”
The girls nodded even though I didn’t finish my sentence. With them, I didn’t have to.
Tori sighed. “That’s the thing, Harp. You just won’t know unless you try.”
Lena added, “But trying could mean having an amazing boyfriend or getting your heart broken.”
Ella and Rey grimaced a little at her words, and I probably did too. “I know,” I said. “I wish I didn’t feel this way, and who knows if he even feels the same…”
Tori said aloud what we were all thinking. “Does he feel the same way about you?”
I told them about the other night at the park, about our slow dance, and with each and every detail, the #BFFs looked more surprised and just listened.
Ella rested her cheek on her hand. “That is so romantic,” she said.
Rey agreed, and so did Tori. But Lena looked less convinced.
“I’m happy for
you, Harp,” she said. “Just be careful, okay? No matter what. Maybe this is the real deal, and I hope it is. But just…be careful.”
But I already had it bad for Emerson.
That was the thing.
So I tried to stay away, keep things as emotionally distant as possible.
I helped him with homework, and we studied together for the upcoming final exams. We worked on our community project at the nursing home and volunteered together.
But I didn’t let myself take in the way he smiled with Mr. Roberts or memorize the shape of his mouth, his shoulders, or what he sounded like.
I wasn’t sure if he noticed, but maybe he did because he eventually started doing the same.
He smiled less when we were together, stopped sitting so close, and stopped saying goodbye after we were done volunteering.
All of it broke my heart.
We’d never shared a single kiss, yet Emerson Lopez had still managed to break my heart.
Ms. Ellie must have noticed I was unusually quiet recently because one afternoon, she said, “What is it, darling? Something’s on your mind.”
I looked up at her, an automatic smile on my face. Even though it didn’t nearly reach my eyes, I hoped she’d just let it go. “Nothing,” I said. “Just a little sad that summer is coming to an end. That’s all. It’s my favorite season.”
But this summer had turned out to be not so great, with my friends gone and a doomed crush on a boy.
All Ms. Ellie said was, “Hmm.” And we went back to working on our puzzle. It was close to being finished.
Each day we’d gotten closer and closer to completing the picture. It was of Paris at sunset, and we were almost done revealing the Eiffel Tower in the background, with a completed bridge on one side and a beautiful river on the other. The sky had all the oranges and yellows and pinks that I loved.
“You know what my biggest regrets in life have been?” Ms. Ellie asked all of a sudden.
That super personal question had me looking up at her, the dozens of tiny little puzzle pieces forgotten on the table in front of me.
She didn’t wait for me to respond. “Not telling someone how I really felt before it was too late.”
Then she didn’t say anything. Only our eyes talked, and I knew what she meant and that she knew that I knew what she meant.
I tried to go back to the puzzle, but she kept talking. “Love is a beautiful thing, Harper. The most beautiful thing life has to offer. It comes in so many forms. The important thing is that we don’t let it slip by.”
Just like that, my eyes slid to Emerson, who sat quiet and serious with Mr. Roberts. Was it me or did he look a little more serious than usual?
Maybe he didn’t like that our time at the nursing home was soon coming to an end.
But I knew it was more than that. We’d be able to come back and see Ms. Ellie and Mr. Roberts if we really wanted to.
Ms. Ellie’s voice reached my ears again, but I found it impossible to tear my eyes off of Emerson. “Love hurts sometimes, Harper. But you’d be surprised how much more often things end up working way better than you could have ever imagined.”
What had Tori said? I’d never know unless I tried.
Did I dare let Emerson know how I felt about him?
My heart beat a little faster just at the thought.
I had no idea.
Fifteen
My mom poked her head into my room. “Are you sure you’ve got everything packed? Passport, phone charger, makeup, work from school?” she asked.
She had just gotten home from work, and instead of lounging around on the sofa today, I had to pack my things.
“I have everything,” I said. “Don’t worry.”
“Two weeks is two weeks,” she said, walking away. “I don’t want you to forget anything important.”
My two weeks with my dad started tomorrow. Instead of going to school, I’d be getting on a plane early in the morning and arriving back in Wisconsin by lunch. I was going to miss my mom like crazy, but at least this would be my own little adventure.
And maybe I’d finally get Emerson out of my head once and for all.
The whole emotionally distant thing was not really working. Not when he was so physically close to me almost every day.
I just needed my feelings for him to disappear because I definitely wasn’t brave enough to tell him how I really felt and then risk him saying he wasn’t interested in me. Not for more than a summer fling.
My heart wouldn’t survive that.
I’d hardly mentioned that I’d be gone for the next couple weeks. Just that I was going to see my dad, and that I wouldn’t be back until the end of summer. That was it.
He’d barely nodded.
After double-checking my packing list, I stood back and admired all my hard work. It wasn’t even dinner time, and my suitcase was packed and ready to go. My mom had already asked for the morning off so she could drop me off at the airport a couple hours away.
We’d have breakfast together before I left. I missed her already, even though she was downstairs finishing up dinner.
Most girls probably cringed at the thought of spending more time with their mom, but I hardly got to see mine, so I was glad we were going to have dinner together tonight.
When I walked downstairs, I smelled my favorite meal. “Oh, Mom, you shouldn’t have.”
But she had. The oven went off, and she put on her oven mitts and pulled out pot roast with potatoes, carrots, and tons of veggies. There was corn on the cob and a Caesar salad and hand-squeezed lemonade.
While she gathered everything at the dinner table, I set out plates and silverware and lit some candles.
“Mom, you outdid yourself,” I said as we sat down at the table.
She beamed. It wasn’t often that she cooked like this. “Well, thank you.”
I loaded my plate with everything, and I dug in. The pot roast practically melted in my mouth. “Hmm, my compliments to the chef,” I said, dabbing at my mouth with a napkin.
Before my mom could say anything, her phone went off in the living room. “Sorry, sorry. I forgot to turn that off.”
She got up and left.
We didn’t do special candle-lit dinners like this very often with her work schedule and our tight budget, but when we did, we went all out. Dressing up, turning our phones off, and really catching up.
So I was surprised to hear her voice coming from the living room. She’d only answer if it was an emergency. Maybe she had to go into work?
I bit my lip and hoped not. I set my fork and knife down, not wanting to continue dinner by myself.
A few minutes later, she walked back in, disappointment clear on her face. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”
I blinked back up at her. “What is it? Do you have to go in to work?”
Maybe having a full twenty-four hours off had been too good to be true.
She sat down next to me. “It wasn’t work, sweetie. It was your dad. He says he won’t be able to have you for the next couple of weeks after all.”
She went on to say something about a work trip, a chance for some extra money, but I hardly heard any of it.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d been looking forward to this trip until now.
My dad and I had never been super close, but this was my chance to go back to Wisconsin, to fly for the first time, to maybe have an adventure of my own this summer.
And just like that, it was all gone.
Gone because my dad decided something else was more important than the two weeks he got out of the year to spend time with me.
My mom’s voice broke through the turmoil of my thoughts. “Honey, Harper? Are you okay?”
I looked at her and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s fine. Now I don’t have to miss school.”
Her eyes studied me, and I made sure to turn my mouth up into a careful smile and push the tears back.
“Are you sure you’re okay? I know you were looking forward to this,” she sai
d.
I nodded quickly and stared down at my full plate of food. Unlike a few minutes ago, my appetite was now completely gone. I stood up. “I’m going to go unpack, if you don’t mind. I’ll finish this later.”
Without a second look back, I sped off to my room. Once I shut the door quietly behind me, I sank down to the floor, and that’s when the tears came.
After I’d shoved my still-packed suitcase in my closet last night, I’d somehow crawled into bed. I must have fallen asleep pretty quickly because that was all I remembered.
At some point, my mom must have come in and laid down beside me because sometime around dawn, I’d felt her wake up and go. She hadn’t done that since I was little kid, although back then, it was usually me crawling into her bed in the middle of the night.
I could have gotten up and wished her a nice day before she left, maybe started a pot of coffee, but instead, I’d pretended to be asleep until I heard her car leave the driveway.
My mom was supposed to have the morning off, but she must have gotten called in. Part of me was sad we didn’t have our planned breakfast—or our planned dinner—but I also knew we could use any overtime she could get at the hospital.
It was okay, I told myself. I’d have the rest of summer to hang out with her. As for my dad, well, he had more important things to do, and I would have been lying to myself if I thought it didn’t sting.
It did.
I lay in bed until I had twenty minutes left to get ready for school and eat something before I had to go too.
I settled for a quick cup of coffee, not really in the mood to eat. Instead of falling in nice long, styled waves, my hair was up in a ponytail today, and I only had on minimal makeup.
I couldn’t wait to get today over with so I could come home and tether myself to the couch. Nothing some caramel popcorn and a good Netflix rom-com couldn’t fix.
Or at least help me forget.
But the closer I got to school, the more it hurt.
When I walked into math late and saw Emerson’s surprised look, it hurt even worse somehow.
I took a seat as far away from Emerson as I could, and I lay my head down on my desk, hoping my cardigan sleeve soaked up the tears.
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