by Parker, Ali
“No shit. I think you nearly killed me.” He groaned.
I laughed, rolling off him and lying beside him on the cold tile floor of the kitchen.
“I should probably get going,” I mumbled after the heat and intensity of the moment wore off.
“Don’t go,” he said, reaching out to grab my hand.
“Grayson, I didn’t come over here with this in mind.”
“But it happened. We’re good together. You can’t deny that. Can we try again? We can take it slow.”
I scoffed. “I don’t think we can do anything slow.”
“You know what I mean,” he said.
“I don’t know what I want. I mean, yes, we do this really well together, but that isn’t a relationship.”
He chuckled. “Seems like a great relationship to me.”
I slowly moved my head back and forth. “I want the real thing. I want someone who trusts me and is by my side through the good and bad times. I want someone who can give me the benefit of the doubt and not automatically assume the worst of me. I don’t want to be with someone who is always looking for my faults. Always looking to catch me in a lie.”
He was silent for a few minutes. “I can try.”
“It isn’t good enough. I want a real marriage. I only realized that recently.”
“You knew what I was offering when you agreed to marry me,” he pointed out.
“I know. I did, but at some point, I realized I couldn’t be in a fake marriage. That isn’t who I am. I don’t like fake anything. I want honesty, truth, and most importantly, trust and loyalty.”
He didn’t reply. I hadn’t really expected him to make any promises. I knew he was incapable of such emotions. Grayson Bancroft was all about Grayson Bancroft. He didn’t know how to trust or depend on anyone else, and he was never going to learn. I had to accept the fact he wasn’t the man I thought I had caught a glimpse of all those weeks ago. The dominant, alpha-male side had pushed that man way back down and I doubted I would see him again.
“I’m going to make you some lunch,” he said, getting to his feet and quickly dressing.
I sighed and got up. I still had on my bulky sweater, which I was glad for. It was a little weird to be sporting a baby bump with a man who didn’t seem all that interested in the fact I was carrying his child. I quickly fastened my bra and dressed once again. I watched as he put some turkey bacon into a pan and got busy slicing some tomatoes.
“What are you making?” I asked.
“Bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches. I’m trying to eat better and switched to turkey bacon. I hope that’s okay with you. It’s all I have.”
I smiled. “That’s perfect.”
He finished making our lunch. We ate our BLTs, chatting about current events happening around the city. We never once talked about the status of our relationship, the pregnancy, or anything else that was overly important.
It was fine with me. In the back of my mind, I knew our time had come to an end. I wanted to part on good terms. Hanging out and enjoying each other’s company while actually getting to know each other a little better was fine by me. I wanted our child to have two parents who loved him or her and could be in the same room without wanting to kill each other. To do that, we needed to be friends.
Spending the day with him was about building that friendship. At least that’s what I was going to keep telling myself. I couldn’t let myself think too hard on what it all really meant. It would send me back into that pit of despair I vowed never to enter again.
Chapter 67
Grayson
I was in a weird place in my life. I knew that. I felt like I was standing at a fork in the road and I had no idea which path to take. A life with Hannah promised so much. It was not something I had ever envisioned myself wanting. I still wasn’t sure I did want it, but I wasn’t completely against it either. That’s where things got tricky. I wanted Hannah, but I didn’t think I was quite ready for life as a husband and father. Obviously, it was a little late to be getting cold feet, but when I had entered the marriage, it wasn’t the real thing. It was more of a job—a mission.
Hannah wasn’t going to let me get away with a half-ass marriage. She had basically given me an ultimatum without actually saying the words. That was a good thing. I would have felt like I had to tell her to kiss my ass if she would have given me an ultimatum. There was something in my brain that refused to let myself be pushed into anything.
I headed into my home gym to try and get some perspective. I needed to figure out what to do. I knew she would not put up with my shit for much longer. Was I ready to walk away and give her up?
I spent thirty minutes on the treadmill and still had no better idea. It was time to call the expert. “Justin!” I said when he answered the phone.
“Uh, why are you calling me on a Sunday morning? Are you in jail? You know I can’t bail you out until tomorrow, right?” he only half teased.
“Ha. Ha. Can you get coffee later?”
He was silent for a few seconds. “What?”
“Are you busy today? Can you get coffee?” I said the words a little slower.
“Um, sure, coffee? On a Sunday? Who is this?”
I rolled my eyes. “Can you or not?” I asked impatiently.
“I can, I can. Is everything okay? You have to admit this is out of the ordinary for you.”
“Yes, fine—well, not fine—but I’m not dying,” I said dryly.
He chuckled low in his throat. “All right. About eleven?” he asked.
“I’ll be there and thank you,” I said before hanging up and heading to take a shower.
When I walked into the coffee shop, I quickly ordered a cup of black and took a seat at a table that was somewhat private. I didn’t want anyone overhearing what I had to say. It was embarrassing enough as it was.
Justin strolled through the door, ordered his coffee, and took a seat at the table. I stared at him—really looked at him. He looked like a man who had his shit together. He wasn’t hungover like so many guys his age would be if they were living the single life. He looked relaxed in a pair of jeans and a worn T-shirt. He had that look about him that said he was married with children. The gold band on his finger sold the story.
“Why are you looking at me like that? You’re kind of freaking me out,” he said, a nervous look on his face.
I shook my head. “I’m just wondering if I can ever be like you one day.”
“Be like me?”
“You know, married with children and content.”
Justin smiled. “Missing your wife?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know. I saw her yesterday. More like she stayed the night Friday.”
He nodded. “Are you two back together?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure that’s something I want.”
“And let me guess, she doesn’t want to be fake married, have your baby, and play house when it’s convenient for you?” he said dryly.
“In a nutshell, yes.”
He nodded and sipped his coffee. “And you have me here because you want to know what I think you should do?”
“Kind of. I don’t know. I don’t want that life,” I said, feeling the lie cross my lips and nearly puckering with the distaste of it.
Justin smirked. “You sure about that?”
I groaned. “I don’t know.”
“What’s holding you back?”
I shrugged both shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t want to be tied down and all that stuff.”
He laughed. “All that stuff—you mean marital bliss and raising a family?”
“Yes.”
He sipped his coffee again, and I knew he was about to tell me exactly what his opinion was. I hoped I could take it. Justin had told me what he thought about my fake marriage and I knew he hadn’t approved from the very get-go.
“You’re your own worst enemy,” he said bluntly.
“What the hell does that mean?” I snapped.
�
��She’s yours for the taking. She loves you for some stupid reason and you love her.”
My mouth dropped. “I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. I know you do. You’ve loved her since the day you proposed that whole fake engagement nonsense. You don’t know how to tell anyone how you feel and are terrified to admit you can feel something for someone else, so you hide behind that tough exterior you present to the world. I know you, Grayson. I know you want her. You’re standing in your own way. I’ve been sitting back and waiting for you to figure it out, but I don’t think you will anytime soon.”
His words were blunt and to the point. I wasn’t sure I believed them. “I don’t know,” I mumbled.
Justin shook his head, laughing as he did. “You don’t have to know. I do. You keep pushing her away after something happens between you two. And by something, I mean something that would normally bring two people closer together.”
“That’s not true. I married her.”
“And she was gone the next morning because you made it very clear you didn’t trust her.”
“I didn’t know she was going to overhear me,” I protested.
He rolled his eyes. “You just happened to decide to call your brother the morning after your wedding and what I would assume was a very good night for the two of you?”
“Well, it was on my mind.”
He nodded. “I’m sure it was. You got scared after the part about you getting married sank in. Then, you probably woke up with her in your arms and realized how much you loved her, but instead of doing what a normal person would do and embrace the moment, you jumped out of bed and picked a fight with your brother. I think you wanted her to hear. I think you freaked out, panicked, and did what you could to sabotage the relationship.”
“You sound like my brother,” I mumbled.
He laughed. “Your brother knows you and so do I. The people who know you best know you run from feelings. You are allergic to them to the point it sends you hauling ass in the opposite direction.”
I thought about what he was saying and deep down, I knew he was right. I didn’t like getting close to people. People were deceptive. You could trust no one but yourself. The idea of falling in love and letting someone be responsible for my happiness was not one I liked.
“What if it’s too late?” I asked, almost ready to admit defeat.
“I don’t think it’s too late. You told me she’s carrying your child. She hooked up with you the other night. I think she is waiting for you to figure it out, but I do think you’re running out of time. She isn’t going to keep playing this game with you. If you let her figure out she can do this on her own without you and the drama you bring, it will be too late,” he said in a stern tone.
I nodded. “I get it.”
“Are you sure you get it? I think you need to understand she is one of a kind. You are not going to find another woman like her. She’s smart, driven, and she doesn’t take your shit. She will always fight back. She isn’t the kind of woman who jumps when you demand.”
I was nodding my head. I agreed with everything he was saying. I knew that about her. I knew it was something I was drawn to. “I know.”
“Then what are you going to do about it?” he said.
I shrugged a shoulder. “I’ll tell her I want to work it out, and that I’m willing to see if I can be actually married.”
He slapped his palm to his forehead. “Uh, that is not how you win a woman over, especially a woman you haven’t exactly treated the best. You kind of dug yourself a hole here. You’ve got some work in front of you, if you want to get her back.”
“I don’t think I’ve completely lost her.”
“Have you talked to her today?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Did you talk to her after she went home yesterday?”
“No.”
“Did you text her? Did she text you?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “No. Why would she?”
Justin looked like he wanted to strangle me. “This is what I’m trying to tell you. She doesn’t need you. She isn’t thinking about you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know she isn’t sitting around waiting for you. Every minute you leave that woman alone, it gets a little easier for her to stay away from you.”
“She got an ultrasound,” I blurted out.
Justin smiled. “Really? Did you go?”
“No. I didn’t know about it.”
“And that’s my point. She’s cutting you out. She doesn’t want to count on you and have you pull the rug out from under her again.”
“Oh,” I said, realizing he was right.
She’d been doing it all on her own. I was sure Amber was there by her side, but she was making sure she didn’t need me. I wanted her to need me. It all became a little clearer.
“What do I do?” I asked.
“You chase her. You have to show her how important she is to you.”
“I can do that.”
“Grayson, don’t half-ass this. She deserves the total package. Don’t skimp. If you can’t commit to truly being with her, let her go.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“I don’t think you do. The fact you called me to help you decide tells me you’re not really committed to the idea yet.”
“I’m not you. I don’t see myself with a gaggle of kids,” I quipped.
He laughed. “I don’t think anyone with a few kids really thinks about how many kids they want. It’s like you have a couple and the rest keep coming and you go with it. It’s your life.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know if I buy that. You have to know there are things you can do to keep number four, five, six, and so on from showing up.”
“Of course, but we love each other, and we love our family. Each child brings so much to the mix. I can’t imagine life without any one of them. After the twins, I might feel different, but we’ve talked about it and we’re both okay with whatever happens. I think you’re going to find you might feel the same way—if you let yourself.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure myself or Hannah is okay with that. I’m not discounting the idea, but I’m also not sure I’m totally down with it.”
His phone beeped. He pulled it out, then read the message. “I should get going. I need to pick up groceries still.”
I smiled. “You grocery shop too?”
He laughed. “Have you ever tried to shop with three kids and two in the belly? It’s easier for her to give me the list. It takes me a fraction of the time and we don’t end up with a million boxes of sugary snacks and crap.”
I nodded. “I can’t say I’ve shopped with children or while pregnant. Hell, at all, but I’m going to take your word for it.”
I felt a lot better after talking to him, but there was still a little part of me that was hesitant. I agreed I couldn’t go to Hannah with half my heart in hand. I needed to be in it all the way or let her go. I wouldn’t put her in limbo.
Chapter 68
Hannah
Amber had taken the day off. She had built up a crazy amount of vacation time and was all too happy to take one of her days for a shopping spree with me. I had been putting off the buying of baby clothes and whatnot until I was well into the second trimester. I was there, and my credit card was burning a hole in my pocket. I had gone to bed early the night before in preparation for a full day of exhausting shopping.
She called to let me know she was almost at my place. I grabbed my purse and headed out, making sure my sweater and fashionable scarf were arranged just right to cover the slight bump that sometimes liked to be seen. If anyone saw me shopping for baby goods, it wouldn’t be hard to figure out, but I wanted to keep the gossip to a minimum. I wasn’t ready to cross that bridge yet.
It almost felt like I should wear a scarlet letter on my belly. It shouldn’t be that way, but I knew once it came out Grayson and I were not together—and hadn’t been for a while—the rumors
were going to run rampant. I had a feeling most people would assume I cheated on him, knocked up by another man, and after he found out, he left me. Or there would be those who would assume he did the cheating. I was dreading it and hoped everyone would forget all about us. If only the wedding hadn’t been so big and so memorable.
I jumped in Amber’s car, grinning with excitement. “Thank you for doing this with me.”
“Ha! Are you kidding me? I would kill you if you did it without me.”
I laughed. “I hope those stores are ready for us.”
“Did you reschedule your time in the lab?”
I shrugged. “It’s only three hours. I let them know I wasn’t coming in but paid for the time anyway.”
We headed downtown, Amber was a far better driver than I was. I hated trying to navigate traffic. She could have been a taxi driver in another life. The first store was rather dull. I found nothing I really liked. Amber refused to let it ruin her spirit. The second store was amazing. The saleswoman had to have been quite thrilled with my willingness to spend money. I had a general idea of what I would need, but she gave me another list, clearly designed to sell more of their products. Her list left me feeling completely unprepared.
“Should we take a lunch break?” Amber asked as we walked out of the store.
I nodded. “Sounds good to me.”
We went to a healthy-dining restaurant. I found the baby only liked good food. It was a bummer for the cravings, but I knew it would keep my head out of the toilet.
“What did you do this weekend?” she asked.
I averted my gaze, feeling guilty. Shrugging one shoulder, I said, “Not much.”
“You didn’t,” she said in horror.
“Didn’t what?” I played innocent.
“Oh my God, you did. Hannah, are you crazy?”
I gave up trying to deny it. She knew the truth. She knew me too damn well. I was torn between her and Grayson. I knew Amber was only looking out for me. She didn’t dislike him, but she had nursed me through one too many tough days after a Grayson encounter.