by Marie Yates
I knew that I couldn’t say that out loud, not to Frankie’s family anyway. It was bad enough that Jane didn’t understand when we first talked about it, so there was no way I was going to talk about it with anyone else.
I couldn’t shake the feeling though, wondering if the answer would magically appear one day and I would be certain about what I wanted to do. I hoped so, but I wasn’t convinced.
Nodding in all of the right places, I thought I’d got away with not listening to Frankie’s mum’s tales of university life. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested, it was just the thought of living in halls and starting from scratch in a new place, all by myself, was terrifying. Frankie found it exciting. She called it ‘a whole new adventure’ and I thought that was awesome. I just didn’t feel the same.
‘Only a little piece for me,’ I requested as the homemade dessert appeared.
‘What’s wrong with you? This is the taste of heaven,’ Frankie’s dad said, quickly followed by, ‘I’ll have Dani’s extra share, that’s no problem at all.’
‘I have to practice for my grading when I get I home,’ I told them. ‘Dessert looks amazing, but it will make me want to just lie on the sofa.’
‘Sounds like a perfect plan to me.’ Frankie’s dad chucked, tucking in to his second helping.
‘Good for you, Dani. Ignore him. He doesn’t need an excuse to lie on the sofa. What is the grading for? Frankie said you like to fight?’
I looked at Frankie, wondering exactly what she had told her mum.
‘Don’t worry, I said that you like to fight in a nice way,’ she said.
‘Something like that,’ I told her mum. ‘I’m training to get my black belt in Taekwondo and tomorrow I have my grading for my black tag, which is the belt before the full black.’
Lowering her spoon and looking at Frankie, she said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me Dani was so accomplished. She’s an elite sportswoman, has passed her driving test first time and finishes her essays.’
‘That might be why I didn’t tell you,’ Frankie said, and we felt a speech coming on.
Luckily, Frankie’s mum kept it short and I did feel humbled by the fact she seemed impressed by what I was doing. It was easy to forget what you’d done when you were always striving to complete the next thing on the list.
‘Please let me know how you get on tomorrow,’ Frankie’s mum said as I was putting my coat on to leave. ‘I really hope you get your tag as then you’re in touching distance of your dream.’
I smiled at her excitement, thanked her for dinner and felt as if I had been given a much-needed injection of enthusiasm. My dream of wearing that black belt really was in touching distance.
Forty-Nine
The only thing that put a dampener on my mood after my grading was the reply I had from Frankie to my text. It didn’t last long, but for a few minutes, she burst the bubble.
‘Check out the pic x,’ I sent, along with a photo of me, being handed my new belt by my instructor, the most patient man on the planet.
It had made it all the more special when he’d presented the belt as he had been such an integral part of the achievement. Not wanting to let him down had always been part of my motivation to train. Frankie knew this, so I thought she’d understand what it meant to me.
‘One more reason 4 Mum 2 think ur the daughter she wished she had. x,’ she replied.
I didn’t know if she was joking, but I didn’t care. Would it have killed her to say ‘congratulations’? I chose not to reply. I wouldn’t have said anything that would have made either of us feel better, so I deleted her message and sent the message to everyone else.
‘Wowzers, that’s so cool,’ Katie replied. ‘Will you kick Cal’s ass for me, he’s being a knob again x.’
‘You’re so nearly a pro, congrats x,’ Maya replied.
Callie won the prize for the best reply though. She sent me a picture. It was a graffiti style drawing of me doing a high kick, wearing my black belt, with the message, ‘I’m working on ur first tattoo, so hurry up and get the black one. x.’
That picture quickly became my screen saver. I loved my friends! They knew exactly what to say even if Frankie was caught up in her own stuff.
Mum appeared. ‘You need a shower before we go and celebrate,’ she gushed as she hugged me. ‘You did it. You have your black tag, it’s just incredible.’
She left me to tell my instructor how wonderful he was, as she did after every grading, so I began to pack my bag to go home. Taking a moment, I sat on the bench in the changing room, holding the belt in my hands.
I had done it. My eyes were about to leak and I looked up to find one of the younger kids looking at the belt too.
‘Can I hold it? I’ll be careful, I promise,’ she asked, reaching for the belt.
She held it as if it was the most delicate item on earth. ‘I want to be as good as you,’ she said, handing it back. ‘Congratulations, you’re amazing.’
‘Thank you, I really appreciate that,’ I told her, and meant every word. I knew that she’d be one of the group I’d be helping in the coming weeks, so I would be able to work with her to get her first belt. It wouldn’t be long before she was sitting on the bench with her black belt. The time had flown by since I was in her position, looking in awe at the people with their different coloured belts. What was I talking about? I still looked at them all in awe. It would take me a while until I remembered that I was now one of them, a part of the club and someone who had worked her way through the ranks.
Hearing a beep, I reached for my phone. ‘Soz, babe. That came out all wrong. I’m so proud of you. x.’
That was better! Feeling instantly rejuvenated, I replied, ‘It’s all cool. Going out to eat and will need to sleep for a week. x.’
I didn’t have time to sleep for a week though. After the exhilaration of passing my grading, came the trepidation of the final day of lessons.
Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I wanted to keep going to lessons forever, but I definitely didn’t want the exams to start.
The day was a weird mix of emotions. We were all knackered after lots of late nights getting the essays finished while being energised at the thought of never having to go to lessons again. It was around lunchtime that the mood changed.
‘I guess we’ll have to find a way to fill our days for a few months,’ Katie said, with a nervous edge to her voice. ‘I’m not sure how I’ll cope without the routine.’
She had a point. It was routine that had kept me going. ‘We’ll be okay, I assured her. Our boys will make sure we don’t forget what time to get up in the morning.’
Katie’s dog, Bailey, loved nothing more than racing around the park with Reggie, and the feeling was mutual.
‘True! That’ll be an amazing way to spend our days.’
I was about to agree, when Frankie joined in. ‘Don’t think that I’m going to be spending all day following your dogs around the park. I want to spend some time with you before we have to make our Uni decisions.’
A sombre mood fell over our corner table in the Sixth Form café. Things were changing and we’d never be sitting here, all together, like this again. We had different exam timetables and would race home to revise after each one. None of us were confident that we had done enough to pass, let alone get the grades we needed.
‘We’ve got our holiday to look forward to,’ Maya reminded us, lightening the mood. ‘My passport arrived yesterday, so I’m ready to go.’
‘Shit. My passport,’ I said, and promptly sent Mum a text to remind her that we still hadn’t filled out the form.
‘All we have to do is get these exams out the way and we can have the time of our lives,’ Maya said, ‘whether Dani joins us or not!’
‘Thanks!’ I exclaimed, vowing to get my passport form completed as soon as I got home. ‘I’m not missing that holiday for anything.’
Fifty
It’s done. It’s over. My brain hurts.
Whoever came up with the idea tha
t exams are the best way to measure whether I have learnt anything, needs to have a quite word with him or herself. All it has proved is that I had the stamina to stay awake all night while panic reading notes that didn’t made sense and then been able to regurgitate it all the following day. If you asked me to answer those questions again now, I wouldn’t be able to form words, let alone put them into sentences.
I heard most of my friends, and even Frankie, say, ‘That was the worst two weeks of our lives.’
No, it wasn’t! It was horrible, exhausting and painful in a lot of ways, but it definitely wasn’t the worst two weeks of my life. Keeping some perspective helped me not to overthink every answer I wrote. I kept this up throughout each exam.
‘What did you write for question three?’ Frankie asked after one of the exams.
‘I can’t remember what question three was. It doesn’t matter now, it’s done,’ I replied, surprising myself as much as Frankie.
‘What have you done with Dani, you imposter,’ she joked, and then turned to someone else and asked exactly the same question, embarking on a deep analysis of whether she would get any marks for what she had written.
Usually, I’d be doing the same thing, worrying about what I’d written and over-analysing every aspect of every answer I’d given. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, far from it. Standing outside the exam hall after that final exam, I took a deep breath and not only felt grateful that it was over, but I felt grateful that I could honestly say, ‘I did my best.’
And I did. I’m sure there were days that I could have worked harder and I know that there were days that I spent with Frankie that were supposed to have been scheduled revision days, but I promised myself that I would concentrate on more than just the exams. I think that was what helped me. I still made sure I was training, still saw my friends and I went out in the fresh air with Reggie twice a day, making sure I had my happiness fix. Doing those things helped me, they didn’t get in the way of revision, they made revision easier.
Training worked my brain and body, and quite often, I found it much easier to get into revision after I had been to taekwondo. I had physically worked through all of my nervous energy and by the time I was back at home, I was feeling chilled out about the exams and was happily reading, rather than trying to read in a panic, like the night before an exam.
Seeing my friends was also a mixed experience. It was amazing to hang out and have a laugh, but we’d always end up talking about the exams and I usually came home in more of a panic than when I’d left. Having a super smart friend like Katie meant that I always felt a little bit inferior in the brains department. I suppose that also made me work harder, so it wasn’t always a bad thing.
If it wasn’t for Reggie, I would definitely have gone insane. Getting out with him in the mornings meant I had to get up and dressed. It was still quite early by the time we were home and I felt ready to be productive. If I hadn’t taken him out, I would have stayed in bed and it would have taken me ages to motivate myself to get dressed and start revising. He also gave me the perfect excuse to work to a deadline. He loved his lunchtime half an hour of playing in the garden, so that was my first deadline and he was very helpful when I made lunch. Then, we had the second deadline of his evening walk. If I made it through my planned revision, we had even longer in the park, which was a win-win for us both. I don’t think that sitting at my desk for extra hours staring at my notes would have been a better use of my time.
So, I can now say for sure, ‘I did my best,’ and that’s enough for me. I know I’ll be shitting myself when results day comes around, but for now, I’m okay.
I have some time to get used the idea that I never have to go back to Sixth Form. That’s a strange feeling. I’m now feeling drained after the last exam.
‘What are you going to do with yourself now?’ Mum asks, seeing me staring into space.
‘Sleep,’ I answer, but know that isn’t enough. ‘I want look for a job to start saving some money for our holiday, and for Uni,’ I quickly add.
‘That sounds like a brilliant idea,’ Mum says.
She has been amazing and hasn’t put any pressure on me to pay for stuff, but I want to be able to earn some money for myself. I’ll be paying off a student loan until the day I die, at least that’s what it feels like, so I need to do something to earn money.
‘I’ll start looking tomorrow,’ I say, feeling quite excited about a new challenge already. ‘First, I need to go and get ready to punch things.’
Driving to taekwondo, I feel a rush of excitement. I am driving a car, having passed my test first time. I have finished all of my exams and even though there’s always nerves around results, I am confident that I had done enough to get into Uni. I am starting to work towards my black belt, something that I have dreamed of for years and I am about to go on my first holiday with a group of amazing friends and a wonderful girlfriend. Does life get any better than this?
Walking into training I am greeted by my instructor. ‘You’re smiling. I take it the exams are over? What’re you doing with yourself now?’ he asks.
‘I’m just starting to figure that out,’ I tell him, joking as I add, ‘If only I could be paid to punch things.’
He laughs, ‘Be careful what you wish for, Dani.’
I have no idea what he means, but it doesn’t matter. Tonight, I am focusing on the big black belt dream and nothing else.
Fifty-One
Frankie has been talking non-stop about the Uni she’s going to. She’s lucky, she’s had a letter offering her an unconditional place because she came in the top three at a cross-country running event.
‘They know I’ll win medals for their team,’ she said earlier today at her house, buzzing that she no longer had to worry about her exam results. ‘I wish I’d known before the exams, but I just can’t wait to move out and start a new adventure. You’ll only be a short train ride away no matter which Uni you go to.’
It was brilliant to hear Frankie so excited about it all, but I was starting to get nervous that she’d love her new life so much that she’d forget about me. We’d been sheltered here, living in a Sixth Form bubble without much else going on in our lives. Frankie couldn’t wait for Fresher’s Week, was ready to join loads of clubs and make new friends. I felt sick at the thought of starting again somewhere new. I’d done it twice in three years and just as I’d started to feel happy and settled, it had been time to move on again.
‘Things will be different, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you,’ she told me softly. ‘We’ll be able to visit each other and make the most of the time we have together, without our parents getting in the way.’
‘What if I stay here?’ I asked, knowing that Frankie disapproved as she thought it was time for me to go and have a new adventure. She laughed when I first told her that I was thinking about staying at home so I hadn’t mentioned it again.
‘I thought you were waiting for your results to make sure you could get on the best course?’ She sounded surprised that I was still considering staying at home, like it should be a backup plan if I didn’t get the grades, but definitely not a first choice.
‘I’m still thinking about all the options and I don’t want to be paying back a loan until the day I die.’ I knew that mentioning money made more sense to Frankie than admitting I was scared at the thought of moving out.
‘I wish we could go to the same Uni,’ she whined.
‘Not that again!’ I had run out of things to say about it. We were trying to be sensible and focusing on what we wanted to do with our lives, not just finding somewhere that would be a second best for both of us.
My phone rang. ‘Saved by the bell, now you don’t have to listen to me wishing we could spend more time together.’
Ignoring Frankie’s comment, I answered it.
‘Dani, do you have a minute?’
‘Of course, is something wrong?’ It was my taekwondo instructor. I had no idea why he’d call me if something was wrong, but I
had literally never received a call from him before.
‘Just a heads up. We are about to advertise a new job and I wanted you to know about it before you decide about which Uni to go to.’
I could feel my heart starting to race. A job? A taekwondo job?
‘It’s not a lot of money and it’s not full time, so if you were interested in applying we’d be able to work your hours around Uni. But you’d need to be local. We’re running some community projects, and some youth projects and we’re looking to train up a youth mentor to join the team. So, would you like me to send you the information?’
‘Yes, totally, yes please, that sounds like a dream come true. I mean, I know I’d have to apply, but totally yes, yes please, yes.’
‘Thought you’d say that.’ Laughing, he rang off and I immediately started clicking the refresh button on my emails.
‘Who’s made your dreams come true?’ asked Frankie.
Still ignoring her shift in mood, I told her. ‘This could be the most amazing opportunity,’ I screamed, feeling overwhelmed with excitement. ‘I could get paid to be doing taekwondo and be getting great experience for being a Sports Psychologist too.’
‘It also means you’d have the perfect excuse to stay here.’
Ouch. She really knew how to burst the bubble. ‘I’m going home. I need to work on my application.’ I didn’t feel like it gave me an excuse. I felt like it gave me a reason. I refused to let Frankie’s dream of moving away cloud my own dream of staying safe and happy, having worked so hard to get to where I was. If she couldn’t understand that, then maybe it was for the best we had decided to apply to different universities.
‘What’s got into you?’ Mum shouted as I burst through the door and sprinted upstairs to get my laptop.