“We’re so sorry, Harlow. She’s at peace now.”
“No,” I cry, dropping my head as realization hits me. I’ve been sitting here religiously so that she wasn’t alone, and I was asleep when she needed me the most.
“Oh my God.” A sob rumbles up my throat as I run my eyes over her. She looks so peaceful. As if she’s just drifted off to sleep.
My eyes burn as tears fight to be set free.
Everything around me begins to blur, and my legs start to feel a little funny.
One of the nurses must notice that I’m not doing so well because she races around the bed just in time to catch me when my knees buckle.
“Whoa,” she says softly. “I’ve got you.”
She lowers me back to my chair as I struggle to pull the air I need into my lungs.
“Try to control your breathing, honey. In. Out. In. Out.” I focus on her words, and after a few seconds, things start to come back to me. The room stops spinning.
“Is-is she really gone?”
“I’m so sorry. Is there anyone we can call for you? Your friend maybe?”
I shake my head. I need a little time alone to try to process this. Bailey will be back later. Nothing will have changed by then. A miracle isn’t likely to happen.
The nurse allows me to stay with my aunt to attempt to say my goodbyes. I have no idea how long they give me, my grasp on reality long gone. All I know is that when she comes back and softly tells me that they need to do their jobs, it’s not at all long enough.
Although, I’m not sure any amount of time ever will be.
Reluctantly, I tidy up the few bits I have scattered around the room before standing beside my aunt and doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I never got the chance to do this with my parents. The social workers decided I was too young to be able to deal with it, so I never got a final goodbye. I was left with the memory of refusing to acknowledge them as they left to collect my friends that day.
Placing my hand on her cheek, I look down at her peaceful face.
“Sleep tight.” My voice cracks and a sob erupts from my throat.
I back out of the room, not wanting to leave her. Tears streak down my cheeks, but no noise comes from me. I’m too numb.
That all changes when I look up and find Bailey and Rylee standing off to the side, waiting for me.
I wail and they both run at me, thankfully catching me before I hit the floor.
“She’s gone,” I cry as they both hold me.
“We know, H. We’re so sorry.”
We stand there locked in our embrace for the longest time, but eventually, Rylee pulls away.
“We should get you home.”
I nod, unable to do anything else. Just moving my legs in the direction of the exit is hard enough.
The journey home is a blur. I feel nothing. Everything is numb.
I’m ushered toward the couch and drop into the corner when encouraged to do so. Bailey pulls the blanket from the back and throws it over my legs.
“I’m going to make you a coffee,” she says softly. “Would you like anything to eat?”
I shake my head, knowing that I don’t have the stomach for it.
She nods and backs out of the room.
I hear their whispered voices, but I’ve no idea what they’re saying as I stare at the blank TV in front of me.
It’s like life is going on around me while someone’s hit my pause button.
I’m exhausted, but if I close my eyes, her gaunt face is all I see. If I keep them open, then I’m reminded of what’s happened.
There’s no relief.
None at all.
After a few minutes or what could have been hours, Bailey and Rylee join me once more.
“Here you go. I know you said you didn’t want it, but I made you a sandwich. You really should try to eat something.”
I nod.
“Just relax. Don’t worry about what comes next. We’ve got everything under control.”
I nod.
A concerned look passes between them, but they don’t say anything. They just sit with me in silence. It’s all I need.
At some point, Rylee gives me a hug and says she’ll come back tomorrow. Bailey orders takeout from our favorite restaurant, and I poke it around the plate for a while before giving up and curling back up under the blanket.
I end up passing out with my head in Bailey’s lap as she gently plays with my hair like my mom used to when I was a kid.
The next thing I know, it’s dark and Bailey is telling me that we should go to bed. I allow her to pull me from the couch and up the stairs. She pulls the sheets back and tucks me in.
“You want me to stay?” she whispers when I reach for her hand.
“Please,” I whisper, and she immediately climbs into bed behind me.
“Everything will be okay, Harlow. I promise.”
I want to shout. I want to scream. How can anything be okay? Everyone has left me.
Everyone.
I drift off a few times, but when Bailey stirs a few hours after the sun rises, I’m staring at the wall in a daze.
“Harlow,” she whispers.
“Yeah?”
“How are you doing?”
I roll onto my back so I can stare at the ceiling for a change of scenery. My stomach rolls.
“Fuck,” I bark, jumping from the bed and racing toward my bathroom to throw up.
“Jesus, are you okay?” Bailey asks from the doorway when I’ve finished and slumped back against the wall.
“Yeah.” Pushing my sweat-damp hair from my face, I risk a look up at her.
Her brows are pulled with concern.
“You need to look after yourself,” she chastises. “You should get a shower and I’ll make you some breakfast. Which you will eat,” she adds in a stern voice.
“Fine.” I roll my eyes at her, but even doing that takes more effort than I’ve got right now. What I really want to do is crawl back into bed.
“Thirty minutes max, or I’m coming back to get you,” she warns before leaving me alone on the bathroom floor.
I love her to death, but right now, I wish she’d allow me to wallow in peace. I know she’s just doing what she thinks is best for me, but the thought of showering and attempting to be normal just seems wrong.
“Don’t you feel better now?” Bailey asks when I join her in the kitchen wearing a clean hoodie and yoga pants, and still with wet hair.
“No, not really,” I mutter.
I take a seat as she reaches into the cupboard for my mug and places it under the coffee machine.
“You want a strong one?”
“Please.”
I really fucking need a strong one. My eyes are swollen from the crying and burning from the lack of sleep, and my body feels like I’m trudging through mud just simply walking.
Only, when she places the steaming mug in front of me and the scent of the coffee beans hits my nose, I dart for the sink.
“Okay, that’s it. I’m not ignoring it this time.”
“What?” I mutter, reaching for a glass so I can rinse my mouth.
“Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
My eyebrows almost hit my hairline. “What?”
“Is there any chance—”
“I heard you, I’m not fucking deaf.”
“Sorry,” she mutters. “Well, is there?”
“No, I’m due on… wait, what day is it?”
“Saturday.”
“Um…” I say, stalling for time as I try to get my brain to function, to work this out.
“Harlow?”
“I was due on… Tuesday.” Fuck. I’m never late. Never. “It’s probably just the stress of this week,” I say in an attempt to push the idea aside, but I can tell by the look on Bailey’s face that she’s not going to forget about this.
“Put some shoes on, we’re going to the store.”
“I’m sure it’s fine. Just give
it a day or two.”
“So you’ll be a week late? No. Get your shoes.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Unless you just so happen to have a test in your bedroom.”
“Of course I don’t. Before C-Corey,” I stumble over his name, not wanting to allow thoughts of him and how we left things to enter my head, “I hadn’t had sex in forever. There was no way in hell I’d have been pregnant unless the myth about sitting on the same chair as a guy is actually true.”
“You used protection, right?” I can tell from the firm set of her lips that she’s about to give me a lecture if I say no.
“Of course.” I think. I know we went without this past weekend, but I was due on my period and it was as safe as it could be.
But that first night…
There were condoms. I remember watching him rolling them on. Hell, I remember doing it myself. I also remember standing on one as I made my escape. But did we use one every time? I’ve no idea, there was too much Macallan to remember it clearly.
“Really?” She juts her hip out.
Bailey might be reckless with some things, but she’s always safe where sex is concerned, or at least she claims to be. As far as I know, she’s not even had a scare, so she must practice what she preaches.
“I guess we’re about to find out.”
Thankfully, Bailey allows me to stay in her car while she runs into the store to get what we need.
When she emerges, it’s with the test, as promised, but also a huge bar of chocolate, the biggest tub of ice cream she could find, and a bottle of wine—that one is for her, obviously.
It’s not until we pull up back outside the house and my eyes land on my car parked in its spot outside that I remember he was the last one to use it.
“H-Has he been here?”
“I assume so. I didn’t actually see him. I found your keys on the doormat.”
“He borrowed it on Monday and was meant to pick me up again after work,” I say sadly.
“Have you heard from him?”
“I haven’t looked at my cell since Monday morning. It’s probably dead in my purse.”
“So he might have been ringing all this time?”
“I highly doubt it.” My voice is cold and empty. Exactly how I feel right now.
“Come on then. Let’s see what this says.”
“Do we have to?”
“You’d rather not know?”
“I think I might, yeah.”
“You can’t live like that. Knowledge is power.” Bailey climbs out of the car, but I don’t move. Not for a long few seconds, anyway.
With a deep sigh, I push the door open and follow my best friend into our house and up to my bathroom. No time like the present, I guess.
“How long do we have to wait?” I ask, sitting down on the end of my bed with the stick in my hand.
“It says to wait for one to three minutes.”
“Specific,” I mutter, already feeling like it’s been a year.
“It’s been two,” Bailey says, looking at her watch. “You wanna look now, or—”
“Wait until three. We’ll know for sure then.”
“For someone who didn’t want to know a few minutes ago, you suddenly seem a little keen.”
“I’m not keen, B. I just need to know now that this has happened,” I say, waving the pee stick around.
Silence falls around us, and I can almost imagine the ticking of the clock as it counts down.
“Okay. Three minutes. You can look now.”
“I don’t think I can,” I admit, my hand beginning to tremble.
“Shall I…?” She steps forward and holds her hand out. But as much as turning the stick over might terrify me, handing it over and allowing her to see it first is worse.
“No.”
My stomach turns. My hands shake and my mouth goes dry.
I drag in a long, slow breath and close my eyes.
When I pull them open again, I’ve spun the stick and the result is staring right back at me.
Fuck.
The trembling of my hands gets more violent as the room starts spinning.
“Well?” Bailey asks, getting impatient now that I know and she doesn’t.
“F-four weeks.”
“You’re pregnant?”
I swallow, trying to force the lump down that’s blocking my airway. “It would seem so.”
Closing the space between us, she drops down beside me.
My eyes are still locked on the confirmation as she wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her body.
“H, are you okay?” she asks after I don’t respond. “I kind of expected you to react.”
She’s right. I’m not crying, screaming, or even feeling a slither of happiness.
“I… um… I’m not sure I can deal with this right now.”
“Okaaay.”
“I’m just gonna…” I stand, placing the test on the dresser before slipping my shoes off and crawling into bed.
“Harlow, you need to come and eat something.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“But—” I cut her with a look that stops any argument falling from her lips. “Okay. I’ll… um…” She starts backing out of the room and I allow her to go.
I need to be alone.
I need… I’ve no idea what I need.
After a few minutes, Bailey heads downstairs, but it’s not long before I hear the hushed sound of her voice as she talks to someone. A little bit of panic erupts that she might be talking to Corey, but then I remember how loyal she is, and I know she’d never do that to me.
I lay there, curled up in a ball as I run through all the things I need to do. I’ve got a funeral and a wake to plan. I need to make arrangements with the funeral directors, choose flowers, songs, readings…
I must drift off to sleep, because when I wake again, the sun is setting outside, casting an orange glow around the room.
Sitting up, I look to my clock and my eyes widen seeing the time. I knew I was tired, but Christ.
My stomach grumbles and I pull my aching body to sit on the edge of the bed.
When was the last time I ate?
I shake my head, because everything is hazy. I don’t even know what day it is.
Looking around my room for signs, my eyes land on the white plastic stick on the dresser and everything comes crashing down.
I’m pregnant.
The sound of the doorbell drags me from my nightmare and my heart rate picks up. I really, really don’t want to see anyone. But after only a few seconds and a couple of muffled words from Bailey, the door is closed and everything falls silent.
Risking a look out of the window, I breathe a sigh of relief when I watch a delivery man head back to his van.
After visiting the bathroom to freshen up, I drag in some courage and head downstairs.
As I descend, the scent of flowers hits me.
“Jesus,” I mutter when I come to a stop in the living room doorway. Every surface is covered in flowers. No wonder the scent almost knocked me on my ass.
“You’re awake. How are you feeling?” Bailey asks after placing the newest addition to my floral collection on the sideboard.
“I’ve been better. Where the hell are all these from?”
Flowers of all colors, size and design cover the room. They’re pretty, sure. But it’s a little over the top.
“Everyone. I haven’t opened any of the cards. Rylee brought these. The bigger one’s from everyone at work, and those are from her and Colton. These sunflowers are from Mom and Dad—they hoped they’d make you smile. I have no idea about the others. I thought you’d want to open them.”
I nod, feeling totally out of my depth and overwhelmed that people took time out of their lives to do this. I know I’m surrounded by kind people, but I really didn’t expect this.
My stomach grumbles once again, so loudly that Bailey doesn’t miss it.
“What do you want? I’ll cook or ord
er anything.”
“Chinese,” I say without a second thought. “And cheesecake.”
“You got it.” She pulls her cell from her back pocket and starts tapping away. “Is there anything else you need while I’m at it?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
Ignoring her, I take a step into the room and run my fingertip over the soft, bright yellow petals of the sunflowers. They really are beautiful. I pluck the card from the center and flip it over.
All our love and thoughts,
We’re here for whatever you need.
Sarah and Neil
Xxx
My heart aches, reading their words.
I move to the next ones and find similar messages from Teddy, Rylee, my aunt’s best friend, and a couple of others including neighbors. But it’s the final bouquet that makes me pause. I have no idea why—there’s nothing that really makes it stand out against the others. Just a feeling, a premonition.
My hand shakes as I reach for the card and pull it from its little envelope.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Yours.
C x
I gasp, my eyes burning with tears as I stare at his handwriting and the small sketch of a dandelion in the corner of the card. It’s the same as my tattoo.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Corey
Colton tried to stop me as I marched toward him in my need to escape that building and her. But nothing was going to.
A red haze had descended, and I couldn’t see my way through it, let alone figure out a way to make it leave.
My heart raced, my hands trembling with my need to break something, hurt someone.
And all for what?
Because she tried to help me.
I threw her car keys at the receptionist as I left the building and took off on foot. Driving over here surrounded by her scent was bad enough. I couldn’t bear it again.
I walked for hours, trying to regulate my breathing and talk myself down. I shouldn’t have gone marching in there like that. I should have waited until later and we could have talked it out in private. But I was just too fucking angry.
I ended up on the beach, where I sat and watched the waves crash onto the shore, trying to figure out where I—we—go from here.
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