by Ellie Wade
For the first time in recent history, I feel like I can breathe again.
I’ve been suffocating for so long.
I find myself in this place where I’ve done everything I vowed to my younger self that I would do. I checked all the boxes.
Leave Texas. Check.
Incredible art school. Check.
Guard my heart and protect myself. Check.
I had a plan, and I followed it. I left the person I love most in this world, Mimi, and lost my best friend, Liam, in the process. Yet I still did it, so I wouldn’t lose myself. I fought to be independent. I worked hard and made ends meet despite all the odds stacked against me. I went weeks on end of eating just one meal a day. I saved pennies to buy toilet paper from the dollar store. I always worked multiple jobs, prioritizing work over sleep. It was a nightmare at times, but it was my dream, and I was reaching it.
And I did. I finished school.
I fought so hard, and I failed nonetheless. A degree alone doesn’t make one successful. I would know; I’m the poster child for that campaign.
My father hasn’t been present in my life for years now, and yet his darkness still pulls me down. I’ve reached every objective I set for myself yet accomplished nothing. Now, I’m back, and I have no idea what to do. I’ve been following my plan up until this point, but it didn’t have the results I needed. So, what now? I have no clue where to begin or how to pull myself from this depression that’s pulled me under. I’m lower than I’ve ever been. Thanks to Mimi, I can breathe, but life is more than that basic life function—so much more. Right now, that’s all I have.
There’s a knock on the front door. My head snaps toward it.
“I’ll get it.” My grandma gently taps my hand before leaving the table.
As soon as she opens the door, I hear Liam say, “Ma’am, Leni left her belongings out by my truck. I wanted to make sure they made it inside before I left for the night.”
“That is very sweet of you, Liam. Thank you. Just set them in here.”
Liam brings my purse and suitcase in the house. I try not to look at him, but honestly, I’m unable to stop myself. He’s evidently been doing something strenuous because his shirt is damp with sweat. And his hair is all wet and disheveled and extremely sexy.
Wait, what? Where did that thought come from?
I suppose, regardless of who he is, I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge—if just to myself—that he was quite beautiful in a manly kind of way.
Thinking back, I suppose he has always been good-looking. He used to have that boy-next-door thing going for him with his broad smile, perfect teeth, kind brown eyes, and that type of hair where you don’t know if it should be described as blond or brown. In the bright Texas sun, it is blond, but right now, it’s darker. And did I mention … it’s wet?
What the hell was he doing out there?
He’s so different than anyone I found attractive in New York. Most of the guys I dated wore skinny jeans and form-fitting shirts, and their biceps were probably smaller than Liam’s forearm. They would have looked ridiculous in a pair of Wranglers and cowboy boots, just as Liam would never be able to pull off skinny jeans.
I’m startled from my secret Liam thoughts when I hear my grandma ask Liam to join us for dinner.
“Oh, no, thank you, ma’am. I appreciate the offer, but I should get home and get cleaned up. I’m not fit as company right now.”
“Nonsense!” Mimi chirps happily. “I’ve made enough food to feed an army; you’d be doing me a favor. Please stay.”
“All right. Thank you, ma’am. I’ll just go get washed up really quick.” Liam goes into the bathroom.
As soon as the door closes behind him, I whisper-yell, “Why did you invite him in? It’s going to be so awkward, Mimi!”
“Oh, stop.” She nonchalantly waves me off. “You two used to be great friends. It will do you some good to catch up for a bit.”
“We’re not friends now. It won’t be great at all … just uncomfortable.”
“Why aren’t you friends again? I never understood what happened. One minute, you two were inseparable, and the next, you hated him.”
“I have no idea,” I grumble. “Truthfully, I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like him. I don’t need him as a friend, Mimi.”
“Oh, Leni girl … I swear, you’re your own worst enemy sometimes.”
“What does that mean?” I ask as Liam exits the bathroom. I shoot my grandma a look, letting her know that she doesn’t need to answer right now.
Liam sits down at the table and starts dishing up.
“So, how was it that you and Leni crossed paths today? We haven’t gotten to that story yet,” Mimi asks Liam.
Liam starts to tell Mimi about me walking into the road and him almost plowing me over.
Mimi gasps. “You were supposed to call me when you got in.”
“My phone died, and I forgot my charger,” I say by way of explanation.
“Thank you for bringing her back,” Mimi says to Liam.
My knight in shining armor.
Thankfully, Liam and Mimi start talking about ranch stuff, and I’m off the hook as the topic of conversation.
I eat until I can’t eat another bite. For the first time in a long time, I think I can officially say that I’m full.
“Well, I think I’m going to go draw a bath. Can you two kids handle the cleanup?”
What? She never takes her bath before the kitchen is spotless.
I narrow my eyes toward her.
“Absolutely. Thank you so much for a lovely dinner,” Liam says.
I start grabbing dishes and take them to the sink. After Mimi is upstairs, I say, “Why are you such a kiss-ass?”
Liam laughs. “Why are you such an ass?”
I shrug. “Must be the New Yorker in me.”
“Oookaay,” Liam draws out.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he sighs.
“You know, I don’t like you.”
He laughs. “I don’t like you either, Len.”
“Ugh,” I groan.
Liam closes the distance between us. His face is hard with anger. I step back until I feel the kitchen sink and pull in a breath. Liam bends down until his face is an inch from mine. He holds on to the counter on either side of my waist, caging me in with his arms. I can smell him, and though I thought it’d be repulsive, it’s the complete opposite. Sweat and all, his scent makes my heart beat faster.
“Look at me.” His voice sounds strained.
I open my eyes and stare into his.
“I have always been kind to you,” Liam whispers. His lips are so close to mine that I can feel his breath. “I don’t know why you treat me the way you do, but I don’t deserve it. You need to grow the hell up, Leni.”
I gasp and press my hands against his chest under the pretense of wanting him to step back from me. Yet, truthfully, I need his lips away from my own because the temptation is too great. Despite what I need, he doesn’t budge. If anything, he leans in even closer, and now, I have the added sensation of his hard chest beneath my palms.
He continues, “And, though you’re a really good actress, I know you’re not any of those things. I know you.” He says the last sentence with added emphasis. “This isn’t you. When you’re tired of the games and you decide you want a friend, let me know. I can be a really good friend. But I can’t be your punching bag.”
He pushes off the counter and away from me. I listen as he walks out, closing the front door behind him. I can’t move, frozen in the place he left me.
Holy hell. What just happened?
My body almost shakes with the amount of pent-up desire coursing through it—and for whom? Liam? But I don’t even like him. Right?
I’m so confused.
Listening to my heart—or in this case, body—when it comes to Liam has never been part of the plan, yet now that my plan is shot to hell and I’m back in Texas, living with my grandma,
the rules are becoming less black and white. There’s a lot of gray, and I’m stuck in it.
I just need to finish the dishes, take a nice hot shower, and get in bed.
I’m tired, so exhausted. I simply need sleep to clear my mind. Tomorrow will be better. I can start on a new plan to get out of here and begin living the life of my dreams. This is just a pit stop, and Liam Moore is just a roadblock. I don’t need him as a friend or otherwise.
I don’t need anyone.
four
Leni
Age Thirteen
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.
I glare toward the kitchen where my parents are talking. I don’t even attempt to hear what they’re saying. It doesn’t matter. I haven’t uttered a word to them in two weeks. I hope to never speak to them again. I’ll never forgive them.
Thinking about it now still makes me sick. I wipe an errant tear that insisted on falling.
I won’t cry.
I won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I’ll never let them know how deeply they’ve shattered my heart. They can’t think they’ve won because they haven’t. I’ll never stop fighting until I’m out of here. I’m going to go to some fancy art school, and I’m going to be the best artist the world has ever seen.
I’ll show them.
Thank God I get to go to Mimi’s tomorrow. I suppose they could still take away my time at my grandma’s if they wanted. I had to threaten them a couple of weeks ago not to, and though the threat worked and they backed down, they could realize it was all just a threat. I never did take pictures of my bruises that have all but faded now. If they call me on my bluff and take away my summer with Mimi, I might legitimately die of a broken heart.
“Come eat, Eleanora,” my mother calls from the dining room.
I begrudgingly walk to the dining room and take my seat. I pick at my dinner while my parents continue to talk.
My ears perk up when my mom starts talking about dance. We don’t talk much about her dancing days, but before she and my dad got together, she was a world-class ballerina. She gave up her dreams at his command.
You’d never have known that she’d worked her entire life to perfect her craft. I’ve seen the pictures. They’re all hidden away in a box in the guest bedroom closet, but I found them. There were years of pictures, newspaper articles, and Nutcracker programs. I also found my mother’s acceptance letter to Juilliard. Apparently, she only completed one year before she met my father. He was a few years older than her and already on his way to establishing his political career. They met at a gala to raise money for the arts. Ironic, seeing that he demanded she leave Juilliard and marry him.
Also ironic is the fact that he had my entire art studio thrown out just two weeks ago because I refused to skip Mimi’s this year to go to a snobby equestrian camp. I don’t even ride horses. One of his colleague’s daughters is going, and he wants an in with the family. I don’t care whom my father associates with, but he’s not going to take me away from Mimi to accomplish it.
My mother continues, her voice cheerful, “So, Carol asked if I’d be interested in teaching one of the beginning classes. It would only be twice a week. I think it’d be nice to be back in the dance world for a bit.”
“No,” my father says plainly. “You’re not a child anymore, Nora. I’ve got too much going on right now that you should be helping with. I don’t have time for you to hop around a room in a tutu like an idiot twice a week.”
My mother grins toward my dad. “No, you’re absolutely right. We’re much too busy. I’ll tell Carol no.”
I break my two-week-silence strike. “No! Mom, no! You should do this. It would be so fun.”
I shouldn’t care about my mom’s happiness because she makes it clear daily that she doesn’t care about mine. Yet I couldn’t keep quiet. My dad’s wrong.
“Eleanora!” my dad barks. “Enough.”
“No, Dad. This isn’t right. Mom used to love to dance. Two nights a week is nothing. It would make her happy,” I plead.
“No one asked for your opinion. When you’re an adult, you’ll understand. Being a grown-up means making grown-up decisions,” he sternly tells me.
“He’s right. It was a silly idea. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Mom says.
God, she’s a doormat.
I just shake my head. I want to fight for my mom, but there’s no use when she won’t even stick up for herself. The conversation between my parents shifts to focus back on my father.
After a bit, my mom places her hand over my father’s. “Would you like dessert, sweetie?”
He nods.
She gets up from the table, and before she clears my father’s plate, she kisses him on the top of the head. She’s always so nice to him, showing affection or telling him that she loves him. I don’t know how she could. He’s evil.
I think, a long time ago, before I was born, my mom was cool. I mean, she was a dancer. But then she fell in love, and now, she’s this person who makes me sick.
I’m never falling in love—like, ever. All love does is change you and hurt you. I’ll never be like my mom. I’ll never stop loving myself so that I can love another. Never.
I run up to Mimi and throw my arms around her. I’ve never been so happy to see her in my life. I barely made it through the past nine months without her. I couldn’t have made it much longer.
My mother is backing out of the drive before I even get my luggage inside. I watch her Lexus pull away and can’t help but feel sad. I wish she were more—like a better mom to start with. My sadness is short-lived as Mimi wraps her arm around me, and we take my last bag inside. Yeah, so I have crappy parents, but I’d never trade my Mimi for good ones.
There’s a spread of goodness across the table that would rival any Thanksgiving feast. Mimi has made all my favorites.
“Oh my gosh! This all looks amazing. I’ve missed your cooking.” I tightly hug her.
“I can tell, my dear. You’re too skinny,” Mimi kids.
“You would be, too, if you had to eat Mom’s healthy, bland crap.”
We sit down at the table.
“Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Mimi throws my mother some kindness that she doesn’t deserve.
I lower my gaze and stare at her until she starts laughing.
“Okay, I’m sure it’s bad.” She laughs, and I giggle along with her. “So, tell me everything! What was seventh grade like? I want all the juicy details.”
We talk for hours at the kitchen table. I tell her all about my boring private school and my horrible parents. Her smile fades when I tell her some of the things, like how my parents threw out all my art supplies. I don’t tell her about how my father kicked me into his desk a few weeks ago, causing me the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life. I know, if I told her, she’d fight to get me taken away from him, and she’d lose. She’d spend all of the money she had for lawyers, and it’d all be for nothing because my father isn’t an easy person to beat.
I do tell her most things however. I don’t like hurting Mimi, and I know she feels helpless when I’m at home, but at the same time, I really need to talk to someone about everything. My relationship with Mimi is the sole reason that I’m somewhat sane.
Mimi is serving some peach cobbler in the kitchen. “You know, I was thinking that I need to redecorate the living room. Do you think you could help me? I was hoping we could go into town to get some canvases and paint, so you could create some artwork for the new space.”
“Yes! I would love that! I can do a really good job.”
She sets the bowl of cobbler and vanilla ice cream down in front of me and pats my hand. “Oh, I know you will. You are incredible, Leni girl. Don’t you forget it.”
After I’ve eaten all that I can eat, I ask Mimi if I can go see Liam. Besides Mimi, he’s the only other person who truly gets me.
Mimi tells me to go, and so I do. Sprinting across Mimi’s land toward Liam’s with a full belly gives me a huge cramp,
but I don’t mind because nothing could spoil today. I see him out in the pasture, working on a fence.
His eyes gleam, and his lips turn up into a huge grin when he sees me. He’s just turned toward me when I jump into his arms. He spins me around, and I laugh. After he puts me down, I really take him in. I can’t believe how different he looks. He’s going to be fourteen next week, but he looks like … I don’t know … a college kid or something. His chest is wider, and his arm muscles seem bigger. His face looks older, like he lost some of his cheeks or something. It’s weird, and it makes my belly feel uneasy.
“Are you okay?” He chuckles. “You’re staring at me with your mouth open.”
I blink hard. “Sorry. I was just thinking about how different you look since last year.”
“Oh, yeah? You look different, too.”
“Good different?” I ask.
“Oh, definitely.”
He shoots me a cute smirk, and it does something to me. I can feel my heart beating hard within my chest. It’s like I’m nervous, but I’m never nervous around Liam.
“I’m all done here. Do you want to go swimming in the river?” he asks.
Liam and I spend a lot of our free time in the summers playing in the Llano River. It’s such a hot day, and swimming sounds amazing.
“Yes! Let me run home and get my bathing suit.”
“Okay. I’ll swing by in a minute, and we’ll go.” He picks up his box of tools and heads toward the barn.
I run back across the field to Mimi’s and rifle through my suitcase for my new swimsuit. My mom said she picked me up one at the mall this week and packed it. My jaw drops when I pull it out of the suitcase.
It’s official. My mom hates me.
I put on the bikini before looking at myself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom.
Seriously?
The top is two triangles that cover my boobs, tied together with elastic string.