by Ellie Wade
“You’re not horrible, Len. You’re just lost.”
His words strike me deep, like a blow to my gut.
How does he see me so clearly?
He’s right. I’ve been so lost for such a long time, and the harder I try to find myself, the further away I get.
My lip begins to tremble, and I will my tears to stay at bay. The sentence leaves my mouth before I can stop it. “I could really use a friend.”
The corners of his mouth turn up into the most beautiful grin I’ve ever seen. “I told you, I can be a really good friend.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Okay then.” He lets out a content sigh.
He cleans up the bathroom while I sit on the counter, icing my foot.
“You know what I think you need?” he asks me.
“What’s that?”
“A bonfire and beer. It’s going to be cool tonight. It will be perfect.”
“I don’t like beer. It tastes like urine. Can we do a bonfire and martinis or a bonfire and wine?”
“Hell no. You’re not in the big city anymore, sweetheart. We’re doing beer, and I promise, you’ll like it. You’re not drinking the right beer if you think it tastes like piss. I’ll get you the good stuff, okay?”
“Well, I’m not drinking any beer because it’s gross. Can you bring a backup beverage just in case?” I ask with a smirk.
“I’ll think about it.” He shoots me a wink. “Hop on my back.”
He turns around and leans back against the counter. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.
“I think my last piggyback ride was with you. We must have been … gosh, ten and eleven or so.” I chuckle.
“Well, we can’t have you hurting your foot, can we?” He leads us out of the barn and toward the house. “I’m going to take a quick shower, go grab some beer and food, and set the fire up. Then, I’ll be back to get you, okay?”
“Sounds good. But can you do me a favor first?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Can you please clean up the broken glass and tomatoes in the pantry? I don’t want Mimi to step on it or anything, but I can’t risk seeing that killer mouse again,” I ask sheepishly.
Liam chuckles. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Thank you. You really are a good human being.”
“Well, I try.”
He leaves me on the couch before heading to the pantry. As he walks away, I smile wide. What a difference an hour makes in one’s outlook on life. I don’t feel so alone. I can’t help but grin because I feel like things are starting to look up—well, that, and the fact that Liam’s ass was made to wear those jeans.
nine
Liam
The fire blazes brightly. I have two coolers full of beer and food. I’ve hidden a bottle of wine underneath the sandwiches, just in case, but I really don’t think Leni will need it. She doesn’t think she’ll like the beer, but I have confidence that she will. I’ve arranged bales of straw into a sofa-like seating area a safe distance from the bonfire. I covered the straw with a sheet so that Leni doesn’t have to feel pieces of straw poking her back.
“Shit,” I say into the night air.
This looks like a freaking date. It has a romantic vibe to it, and that’s the last thing I need. I don’t want to go and spook Leni. She’s finally talking to me—and not just in insults.
It is what it is. Hopefully, she doesn’t read too much into it. I mean, do I find Leni attractive? Hell yeah. She’s the most beautiful woman I know. If she were anyone else that I had such a strong attraction to, I’d most definitely be fucking her on these bales of straw later. But she’s not. She’s my first best friend, the girl I spent most of my childhood summers with. She’s finally my friend again, and she’s hurting. I’d never do anything to add to her pain. She needs a friend, and that’s what I’m going to be.
When I get up to the house, I see Mrs. Turner pulling some sheets off the clothesline. “Here, ma’am, let me help you with those.”
“I’m just fine, Liam. But thank you. I can handle a little laundry. I like the work. My daddy always said that the moment you quit working is the moment you die.” She chuckles. “He was a stubborn ole man all right. He did it though; he worked until the day he died. He was ninety-three.”
“My granddaddy says the same thing.” I grin. “Well, okay … if you’re sure.”
She nods. “I’m sure. Besides, you have plans with my Leni girl. Thank you for not giving up on her. She comes from a long line of stubborn; it’s not her fault.”
I laugh because it’s true. If Leni is anything, it’s stubborn.
“You’re welcome. I’m just glad she’s talking to me again.”
“Me, too. Me, too.” Mrs. Turner nods her head. “She has me, of course, but that girl needs more friends her own age. I really do appreciate you being so patient with her, Liam. You’re a good man.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
I find Leni behind the house, rocking on the porch swing. “Hey you. You ready?”
“Yes.” She stands from the swing, and when she does, she takes my breath away. She’s wearing a flannel shirt that’s tied at her waist, some form-fitting jeans, and cowboy boots.
Damn, she’s sexy in boots.
Her hair is down, and it cascades over her shoulders in loose waves. She’s a cowboy’s dream.
“Wow, you look great.”
“Thanks. I found this top and boots up in the closet. I think they might have belonged to Mimi at some point. Boots and flannels are pretty timeless, I suppose. I wanted to dress the part for our bonfire and beer.” She says the last part with a southern twang, causing me to laugh. “I’m a Texas girl after all—at least for a little while until I figure out where to go and what to do.”
“You’ll always be a Texas girl, Len. You were born and raised here. You can take the girl out of Texas, but you ain’t taking Texas out of the girl.”
“I guess, but I haven’t worn boots like this in years.”
“Just like riding a bike.” I wink. “Let’s go.”
We don’t say much on the walk back to the field. There’s an awkward air between us, but it is to be expected with our history. Today is the most we’ve spoken since I was seventeen. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much that we aren’t friends anymore, but it really does. So much has changed over the past seven years, but at the same time, not much has really changed at all. I crave Leni’s presence in my life more than I ever have. I guess I never really admitted how much her absence truly affected me. Just having her here these past couple of weeks has made my life more exciting. I wake up each day with a thrill of anticipation in hopes that today will be the day I get to see her.
“Wow, this looks awesome,” Leni says when we reach the fire.
We take a seat on the straw-bale sofa. I reach into the cooler, grab a couple of beers, and pry off the metal caps.
“Here’s the real test.” I hand her a beer. “Keep an open mind. Remember, you can’t compare it to a martini, Len. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Two separate things here.”
“Okay. I’ll drink it with an open mind.”
I watch a little too intently as her lips close around the top of the bottle. She takes a long swig. She lowers the bottle from her mouth and smacks her lips together.
“Well?” I ask.
“It doesn’t taste like urine,” she says.
“And?”
She shrugs. “It’s not bad. It’s drinkable.”
I chuckle. “You like it. Just admit it.”
“You know I’m not going to let you be right,” she says with a giggle, and it’s the sweetest sound.
“Fair enough. I’ll drop it. But I know the truth.” I lean against what would be the arm of the sofa, if these bales of straw were indeed a giant sofa, so that I can look at Leni without cocking my head to the side.
The flicker from the firelight dances against her skin. I pull in a deep breath and remind myself that I’m just her
friend. I have a feeling I’m going to have to repeat that mantra over again in my head quite a few times tonight.
Leni finishes her beer in record time, and I hand her another.
“What have you been up to since I last saw you, Liam?”
“You mean, since my seventeenth birthday when you told me that you never wanted to see me again?” I say before forcing out a small laugh.
“Yeah, that seems like a good place to start.”
“Well, I spent that summer working with my dad on the ranch. Then, I finished my senior year of high school. Worked another summer on the ranch before leaving for college. I went to Texas A&M and got a degree in agricultural business. I came home every summer and helped my dad. College was great. Lots of fun, too much drinking. The norm. Then, after college, I came home and bought your grandma’s ranch. I have been working the land and trying to build up the cattle numbers ever since. Nothing shocking.”
“So, no secret marriages or offspring in there anywhere?”
I laugh. “Definitely not.”
“Did you date in college? Any serious relationships?”
“Yeah, sure, I dated. Some more serious than others. None of them worth bringing home though.”
Leni asks more questions about my time at college, and I answer. She can ask me anything. I’m just so relieved we’re talking.
I throw some more wood on the fire, and Leni insists that we play a drinking game called Never Have I Ever. The concept seems pretty straightforward.
As soon as she asks the first question, I realize how very dangerous this drinking game can be.
“Never have I ever had a threesome,” she states easily.
I almost choke on the gulp of beer that I was taking. “What kind of game is this, Len? Jeez.”
She laughs. “It’s simple. If you’ve never had a threesome, then it’s your turn to say something you’ve never done. If you’ve had a threesome, you need to chug your beer until it’s gone.”
“Well … I don’t think I have,” I state cautiously.
She playfully hits my shoulder. “Don’t you skirt around this one, William Moore. You’d know whether you had one or not.”
“What constitutes a threesome?” I ask.
“Have you been naked or semi-naked with more than one person before?”
I shrug. “Yeah, but I didn’t have sex with both of them.”
“Two other girls?” she inquires.
My eyes widen. “Yes, of course, two girls.”
“Did you kiss both of them and touch their boobs or other parts? Or did they both touch you?”
“Jesus, Len!”
A day ago, she wasn’t talking to me, and now, she’s asking me this.
“Answer the question, mister.”
“There was some touching, I guess … but it wasn’t like a porno movie. I’m not a bad guy. It was at one of our house parties. We were all very drunk,” I explain.
“I don’t think you’re a bad guy, Liam. Threesomes aren’t that uncommon.” She giggles. “So, based on what you’ve told me, I need you to down that bottle of beer and get a new one.” She throws me a wink.
I do as she said and ask, “This is what you did for fun in New York?”
“We played a few times.” She grins. “Your turn.”
“Okay. Um … never have I ever kissed a guy.”
She throws her head back in laughter. “That is so lame, Liam. You know I have.”
I nod, a sly grin on my face. “That I do. Now, chug it, baby.”
The game continues, and I quickly realize that the purpose of the game is to get your opponent drunk as quickly as possible. How one actually wins … I haven’t figured out.
“Never have I ever had sex in the bed of a pickup truck.”
I down a beer.
“Never have I ever seen the Statue of Liberty in person.”
She downs a beer.
“Never have I ever had sex with someone who attended Texas A&M.”
I drink.
“Never have I ever made a sculpture.”
She drinks.
“Never have I ever gone down on a girl.”
I chug.
“Never have I ever almost gotten hit by a truck while crossing the street.”
She chugs.
All her questions are of a sexual nature, but I can’t make myself go there with her. I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells, terrified of saying something wrong and driving her away.
“Never have I ever been in love,” she says.
I stare into her eyes. I don’t drink my beer this time.
“You’ve never been in love?” she asks quietly.
“I don’t think so. I’ve loved, but in love is different, right?”
She nods. “Yeah, I think it is.”
“So, you haven’t either?” I ask her though I know the answer since she’s the one who made the statement.
“I don’t think so. What do you think the main difference is between the two?” she questions.
“I’m not entirely sure. But I’d say that, if you were in love with someone, the feeling would be reciprocated. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
Thanks to Leni’s game, we’ve both drunk way more beer than we probably should have. But I wonder if maybe she needed it to open up.
“Tell me about New York. Was it everything you wanted it to be?”
She thinks for a minute before answering, “It was great. So unlike here. It truly is like a completely different world, living there. The first month or so was pretty overwhelming. There are tons of people. Everyone’s always in a hurry. The first few weeks, it was hard to catch my breath. But, after a bit, I got into the flow of the city. All the busyness, the noise, the movements—there’s a cadence to it. You know? Once I figured out my rhythm, it was pretty awesome.”
“College was good?”
“College was the best. My professors were incredible. I learned so much, and it was special, being around those who loved art as much as I did.”
“And your friends?”
“I had a lot of friends. I really did.” She pauses and watches the fire for a moment. “I guess I thought my friendships were real, and maybe they were, but they were also shallow, too. It’s hard to explain. There are those people in your life who are meant to be there for a while. They have a certain purpose, specific to a time in your life. Then, you have your forever friends—the people who are in it for the long haul, no matter the circumstances. Now that I’m here, I realize they weren’t the latter. Truthfully, I don’t have any true lifelong friends.”
She shakes her head, and her face wears a sorrowful expression. “I don’t know how I got here, to this place where I don’t have anyone besides Mimi. I should have more at this point. I’ve been trying so hard, but I’m failing. There comes a point where I can’t keep blaming everyone else, and I have to stop and wonder what’s wrong with me.”
“You have me,” I tell her.
She turns her head, giving me a sad smile. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Well, that’s neither here nor there because you have me. Always have, always will … my Leni girl.”
We both turn to face the flames of the fire. Leni leans her head against my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her and pull her close.
“Are you happier here?” I ask.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I love being with Mimi, and I’m glad we’re friends again. But I’m just unhappy.”
“Do your art. That always made you happy. Paint a picture or something.”
“I sold all my stuff to one of my roommates. Hundreds of dollars in supplies, and she got it all for fifty dollars.” She sighs. “Desperate times.”
“Well, that sucks.”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “It’s weird, being friends with adult Liam.”
“Why’s that?” I chuckle.
“Our conversations are so deep. Grown-up Liam and Leni are kinda downers—or at least, I am. We
were cooler at eleven and twelve.”
“I was not cooler at twelve. God, that was an awkward year.” I think back. “And eleven-year-old Leni would have washed her own mouth out with soap after that game of Never Have I Ever.”
“Ha! True. Grown-up Leni has some perks.”
“Definite perks.”
Leni turns her face toward mine. She’s so close; I’m afraid she’s going to hear my heart pounding in my chest.
“Thank you for tonight. This Texas thing isn’t completely bad.”
“Leni love, it is now my mission as your newly reappointed best friend to make you fall in love”—her breath hitches, and she leans in closer—“with Texas again,” I finish my thought though it’s hard to focus on anything but her plump lips. I’ve dreamed of her lips more times than I can count.
Our faces are an inch apart, and my chest aches with the closeness. She’s even more beautiful by firelight. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, even if she decides to hate me again, I’ll have this memory of tonight. And, as far as nights go, it’s been pretty great.
“Len …” My voice is strained.
“Yeah?” she answers breathlessly and closes her eyes.
I imagine running my fingers through her hair and pulling her lips against mine, but I can’t. Not like this.
She needs a friend, I remind myself.
“I should walk you back,” I say on an exhale.
Her eyes snap open. “Oh, yeah. Okay. You’re probably right. My head’s kinda foggy.”
“Well, you can blame that feeling on your brilliant drinking game,” I tease as we start walking back toward the farmhouse.
She wraps her arm through mine and leans against me as we walk.
Right before she heads inside the house, I ask, “Len?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you promise me one thing?”
“What’s that?”
“Please don’t hate me again tomorrow.”
My request causes her lips to pout out.
She pins me with a serious stare. “I won’t.”
And, as she closes the door behind her, I really want to believe her.
ten
Leni
It’s been a little over a week since the bonfire with Liam, and I’d be lying if I said my outlook on life hasn’t improved since then. Nothing has really changed, but in a way, so much has. I just feel lighter, less burdened, and freer. Holding on to a grudge, especially one that isn’t warranted, is exhausting.