by Ellie Wade
“He’s in the hospital. Your mom thinks he’ll recover, but we should go visit him.” Mimi’s voice is void of emotion, which is unsettling to me. She must still be internalizing the news she just received.
“Yeah, okay,” I agree.
I call Liam to let him know what happened and that Mimi and I are making a trip to Dallas to see my Dad. Thirty minutes later, Mimi and I have an overnight bag packed and are on the way to the hospital.
It’s challenging, trying to decipher my feelings. I know I should be sad and upset for my dad, but then there’s that part of me that hates him, and though I would never wish ill on him, it’s hard to find it in me to care either. The quietest part holds out hope that this is what we need to heal. Perhaps this will be an eye-opener for both of my parents—forcing them to see that life is short and recognize the value of having a relationship with their only daughter.
Will he apologize to me? Make amends? I’m not positive I even want that. There’s so much hurt and anger when it comes to my parents. I know I’d find it hard to move past it all.
But they’re my parents.
As much as I want to hold on to my rage forever, I want to be loved more.
Mimi and I walk hand in hand through the hallways of the hospital. The lights are bright, and everything smells of cleaner and sickness. It’s nauseating. I’d rather be anywhere but here. I wish my father were at home, healthy as a horse and being his usual asshole self. One, because, despite everything he put me through, I don’t want him to hurt. I would never wish pain on my mom or dad. And two—and honestly the main reason—is because I don’t want to see him. I’m utterly terrified to be in his presence.
My mom greets us outside of his hospital room. She’s well put together, even at a time like this. Her white linen pantsuit is wrinkle-free and tailored to perfectly hug every curve of her body. She has her hair tied up in a flawless French twist. She’s wearing pearl stud earrings. Her makeup is immaculate—enough to highlight her natural beauty, but not too much as to draw attention away from Father in his time of need. I know all too well that, regardless of whether my father is at the hospital or healthy as a horse, back home in his office, it’s always his time of need. This is my father’s world, and we’re all just living in it. My mom plays the role of the beautiful and obedient wife to the letter.
However, I can see details that no one else would pick up on. The area under her eyes is a shade darker than the rest of her skin, indicating the bags of worry that her foundation has covered up, almost seamlessly. The bobby pins in her hair are noticeable, off color from the ones she normally wears. In a haste to leave the house, she probably forgot to pack her own and had to resort to buying these off-brand ones at the drugstore down the street. The smile she wears is tight, as fake as the one she always wears, but her bottom lip quivers as she holds in tears.
Yeah, to the average person, my mom would appear to be the picture of perfection, but I know that, inside, she’s falling apart. Her entire world is lying in a hospital bed, and she’s barely holding it together. There’s a piece of me that feels sorry for her. Despite her lack of love for me, she has love in spades for my father. I can only imagine how much I’d be hurting if something happened to Mimi or Liam. I’d be drowning in pain, and I suppose that’s how my mother is feeling now.
She gives us the update on his condition, her voice as strong and chipper as it is when she introduces a charity that they’re supporting at one of their benefits.
Ever the perfect wife.
According to my mother, he was in his study earlier today on the phone with another politician and just fell to his knees. She says she knew something was wrong when she heard his yelling stop from the kitchen. It’s pretty telling that the thing that cued my mom into the fact that something was wrong was my father’s lack of yelling at the person on the other line.
She tells us that the doctor thinks he’ll be fine, and with some diet and medication changes, he should be back to himself in no time.
Well, that’s a bummer.
My heart starts to beat rapidly, and I cling to Mimi’s hand as we enter the room. I’m startled when I see him. The man lying on the bed is just a shell of my father. He looks pale and has more wrinkles than I’ve ever seen. His mouth droops down into a frown as he sleeps. It’s unsettling, seeing this weak man before me and realizing that he’s the one I’ve been running from all this time. Lying in front of me, he doesn’t seem that terrifying.
He opens his eyes, and his beady pupils focus in on me as I stand next to his bed.
“Hi, Dad,” I say quietly.
He blinks once. Twice. Then, he looks to my mom, and even in his weakened state, there’s a demand there.
“Oh, right,” my mom says softly and brings a cup of water toward his face, bending the straw to his lips. “Here you are, sweetie.”
After he takes a drink, he flicks his hand, dismissing my mom.
He clears his throat. “Eleanora.” My name sounds gruff, coming from his lips, and just like that, this weak man is once again my father, intimidating and cold.
“How are you feeling?” I ask him.
He doesn’t answer my question. Instead, his gaze darts between Mimi and me. “I saw you in Austin.”
“Yeah, I had an art show there. We were heading to dinner to celebrate.” I turn to Mimi, and she nods approvingly.
“Art?” he questions.
“Yes, I finished my degree in art up in New York. That’s what I do now.” I force a smile, willing him to just accept me.
He shakes his head so subtly that it’s barely noticeable, but I see it just the same.
“Pathetic,” he whispers.
I squeeze Mimi’s hand, the lump in my throat making it hard for me to breathe. My heart beats rapidly in my chest, and my eyes well with unshed tears. Everything about this, except for the fact that my father is in a hospital bed, takes me back to what I felt every single day, living with him as a child. With one word, he’s crushed me—again. I was stupid to hope that him almost dying would change anything. He’s too stubborn and set in his ways to change. He’ll go to his grave, hating me and everything I stand for. I was naive to think otherwise.
“She’s quite talented, Henry. She has a real gift, if you’d take the time to see it,” Mimi says, her voice calm but strong.
In this moment, I love Mimi even more. She’s always stood up for me, in ways that even my own mother never has.
“I suppose she’s living with you?” he asks with a roll of his eyes.
Mimi smiles. “Yes, she is. It’s wonderful to have her back.”
He glares at Mimi before directing his vacant eyes to me, holding me in his stare. “You failed. Just like I knew you would. Now, you have to live with your grandma.” He closes his eyes before saying, “Always an embarrassment.”
I don’t have time to register a response or reaction before Mimi stands tall beside me, addressing my father in a way that says she isn’t remotely intimidated by him, “The only embarrassment is you, Henry. I’m glad your father isn’t here to see the man you’ve turned out to be. It would break his heart.” She shakes her head, and fury lines her voice. “You don’t know Leni. You’ve never cared enough to know her. If you had, you’d realize that she’s amazing. I feel sorry for you. You have an incredible daughter, and you’ll never know her. It’s such a shame. Pitiful,” she says the last word with such disdain. “I love you, Henry. I want you to find happiness. We’re only given one life, and it kills me that you’re choosing to spend yours like this. But I can’t stand around and let you crush this girl’s spirit for one more second. Good-bye.”
Mimi releases a long breath. “Come on, my girl. Let’s go home,” she says to me, her words soft and loving.
Being in a room with my parents for the first time in years, it hits me that I will never be in a room with the two of them again, and I know it.
This is it.
I reassuringly squeeze Mimi’s hand before letting it go, Mim
i’s love giving me more strength than I’ve ever felt.
I turn to face my mom, addressing her first, “You know he’s cheating on you, right? We saw him with a woman in Austin, but you probably already knew that, didn’t you?”
My mom’s eyes go wide.
“He’s probably always cheated on you, hasn’t he?”
She doesn’t answer, but the fraction of a second that her armor fails and she lowers her gaze, I know it to be true. She’s always known about his infidelities.
“He cheats on you, treats you like his servant, and has stopped you from having a life of your own. He forced you to give up your dreams for him, and you did it, no questions asked.” My voice shakes with sadness. “That’s not love, Mom. That’s ownership. He doesn’t love you. He’s never loved anyone but himself.
“But I loved you, and I desperately wanted you to love me back. I needed my mom to love me.” A tear falls down my cheek. “You chose him. Every single time.”
I look between my parents. My dad glares at me with hatred, and my mom peers at me through shame-filled eyes.
“The two of you almost ruined me. Almost.” I shake my head. “But you didn’t.”
Tears fall fast down my cheeks now, but they aren’t ones of sadness or despair; they’re tears of gratitude.
Because they didn’t; they didn’t break me.
“You didn’t break me. You made me stronger. And Mimi loves me.” I turn my focus to my grandma, who’s silently crying beside me, her lips quivering in a grin. “And Liam loves me, and finally, I’ve learned to love myself. I’m happier than the two of you will ever be. So, you know what?” I pin each of them with a stare.
I gaze into my mother’s eyes. “I forgive you. I forgive you for not loving me or yourself enough. I hope that, someday, you can find the courage to do just that.”
I shift my attention to my dad, who continues to scowl in his hospital bed. “I forgive you, Dad. I forgive you for hurting me, for hating me, and everything in between. I’ll never forget what you’ve done, but your wrongs no longer hold a place in my heart. Your heart possesses enough hate for the both of us, and clearly, it’s destroying you. Good-bye.”
The last sentiment is directed at them both, and I know that this is my final good-bye to these two. They won’t change, and I won’t let their poison affect me anymore. I no longer claim them as family of mine.
“Let’s go home, Mimi.” I wrap my arm around her waist, and the two of us walk out of that room without a backward glance.
The second we step outside, the air feels lighter, and I can take in a full breath again. I will never again be in a space so suffocating, and my chest fills with joy.
The fact of the matter is that my parents are awful. They always have been. I have no idea how someone as good and pure as Mimi had a son like my father. Some people are just born evil. It’s not her fault. I know the way she loves, and I know she loved him the way a mother should love her child. He was just destined to be no good.
When I told my parents that I forgave them, I meant it. I do. I forgive every wrong they’ve ever done against me. The thing about forgiveness is, it’s a gift to yourself. My forgiveness won’t change their lives. They’ll continue to be miserable all the rest of their days. But it will be life-changing for me. They hurt me for a long time. Why would I let the memories of that pain continue to hurt me forever? I’m letting it go. I’m stopping the cycle of pain. I’ll never forget what they’ve done. But their wrongs have no place in my heart. I need all the space I have for love because I have a lot of it to give.
twenty-four
Leni
The paper feels so fragile between my fingers, and I’m terrified to move in fear of ripping it. Yet it’s real—my first check for a commissioned piece of artwork. It’s surreal. I can hardly believe it, yet I hold the proof in my grasp. Someone paid me to paint a piece for them.
A woman who purchased one of my Texas landscape paintings at my show in Austin wants me to create a similar piece, though on a much larger scale, for the sizable lobby of her law firm. It will be the biggest piece I’ve ever painted, and this check is the most I’ve ever received for my work.
“Everything okay?” Liam’s voice is etched with concern.
I pull my stare from the check to meet his gaze. “Yes, more than okay.” I give him a reassuring smile. “I’m in awe really. I’ve dreamed of this moment my whole life—having someone who wants me to create art for them. I just want to remember what it feels like.”
Liam crosses his arms and leans up against the frame of my bedroom door, a smile on his face. “You know this is just the first of many commissioned pieces. You’ll have this again.”
I shrug. “I really hope so. The show in Austin and now this—my dreams are coming true.” I breathe in deep before adding, “Thanks to you.”
I owe all of this to Liam. He’s the one who bought me all of the supplies so that I could start painting again and put me in touch with Frank, which led to the show in Austin, which allowed this woman to see my paintings in the first place. The irony of it all isn’t lost on me. I pushed Liam away for years, terrified that he’d kill my dreams. Yet, now, he’s the reason they’re coming true.
“This is all you. All of it. You’ve always been incredibly talented, and you’re finally getting recognition for it. You deserve every bit of praise that comes your way.”
I don’t respond because, honestly, I feel like crying with gratitude, and I don’t want to mess up my makeup.
“You look beautiful.” Liam pushes off of the doorframe and closes the distance between us. His strong hands take hold of my waist before his lips find mine.
“You clean up nicely yourself,” I tell him, my forehead pressed against his, breathing him in.
“Is Mimi ready?” he asks.
“She should be.” I kiss him again before taking a step back. Grabbing my bracelet from the dresser, I lay it across my wrist. “Do you mind?” I ask Liam, nodding toward the small chain of silver resting on my skin.
He takes each end of the bracelet and clasps it for me.
“You think she suspects anything?” He lifts my hand toward his face, pressing his lips against the thin skin of my inner wrist, right above the silver clasp, before releasing my hand.
“Not a thing.” I shake my head. “I did good. I didn’t give anything away.”
“Good.”
I take one final peek in the mirror above my dresser and follow Liam down to the living room.
Mimi sits on the sofa, knitting a baby-blue blanket, no doubt for someone in town, who’s expecting a little boy. “You ready for dinner, Mimi?”
“I sure am,” she responds. “Though you really don’t have to do this. I don’t mind cooking something up here. There’s no need to make a fuss.”
“Oh, there’s definitely a need to make a fuss. You’re not cooking and cleaning on your birthday. We’re taking you out. We’ve already been through this.” I reach out my hand to her, and she takes it, pulling herself up.
“Well, okay, but I’m paying.” She grabs her purse from the end table.
“Not a chance,” Liam says, extending his arm.
Mimi slides her arm through his, and we head out.
“It sure is busy tonight,” Mimi exclaims as we pull into the parking lot of one of the local restaurants, Blue’s Joint. “Good for Blue.”
Blue Becker is the man who owns this place. It’s one of our favorite places to eat—that is, when we’re not eating Mimi’s cooking.
“Yeah, he’s doing well for himself,” Liam agrees.
Liam helps Mimi step down from the truck, and I shoot Emily a text. We walk toward the restaurant, which, from the outside, doesn’t appear to be anything special—a run-down building in need of some updates and a couple of coats of paint. Yet all the locals know that there’s no one in a thousand-mile radius who makes better barbeque than Blue.
We step inside, and as soon as we enter, a wave of, “Surprise,” so loud th
at it almost pushes me back greets us.
Liam holds on to Mimi as she lets out a soft squeak of shock.
“Happy birthday, Mimi!” I laugh out, amused by the bewilderment on Mimi’s face as she splays her hand over her chest.
“What is all this?” she wonders aloud.
“It’s for you. It’s your party,” I tell her.
She looks at me with unshed tears. “It’s too much, Leni girl,” she states, just loud enough for Liam and me to hear.
I wrap my arms around Mimi and hug her tight. “It’s not, Mimi. Not even close. You’re very loved. Just enjoy tonight. You deserve it.”
Almost everyone in town has made it out to celebrate Mimi. Westley and Emily with baby Sadie pull Mimi into a hug. Pete and Melody stand in line behind them. Mimi’s friends from church, Liam’s parents, and everyone else from the local postman to the car mechanic are here to shower Mimi with affection.
The space smells of the sweetness of barbeque and the saltiness of meat coming from the impressive buffet that Blue has set up on the back wall of the dining room. On the far side of the room is a large, throne-like chair with a pink crown resting on the seat, next to several tables holding all sorts of presents.
I collected photos from everyone in town for the past month, and I made a banner with large copies of all of the pictures acting as flags, attached to a thick twine that hangs in waves from the ceiling, like a garland of memories. All the images show how much Mimi has impacted Elkwood. Some of the photos show Mimi with her arm wrapped around someone in an embrace; others show her in the midst of laughter or with a smile. Many show people enjoying the food she’s made for them over the years, like the one in front of me of a local farmer holding a cherry pie, his cast on display. To the right of the picture of the farmer is one of a woman holding her new baby, who’s wrapped in a blanket knit by Mimi.
There were so many pictures given to me. It was amazing. Mimi had lost her husband way too soon, and unfortunately, she has a miserable son. She’s always had me, though I was absent for the past several years, and I didn’t show Mimi love as much as I should have. But, despite these shortcomings, she was never alone. She’s the grandma to the kids without one or the extra grandma to the kids lucky enough to already have one. She’s the sister, the daughter, or friend that one didn’t realize they were even missing. She’s the person in the community that can be counted on and is guaranteed to love you, no matter what.