He grinned because he couldn’t help it. “They need to stay busy otherwise they get themselves into trouble.”
“How is the tour?” she asked carefully.
“Different. They’re really committed this time. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them so focused.”
“They seem so happy,” she said softly.
“I think they are.”
Her dark eyes seemed to pull him inside her soul and he lost himself for a moment.
“I’m so glad you’re with them and always have been. Every step of the way.” She tried to force a smile as her emotions on the matter became apparent. “Knowing you were with them made letting them go easier for me.
“We’ve always been a little family of misfits, haven’t we?” He chuckled, thinking about all the times he felt like a dad when it came to the band. Even though he wasn’t too many years older than them.
Maybe it was because most of them came from dysfunctional or absent parents and so Carl felt a sense of responsibility to them.
Not counting Harrison of course.
He was the only one of them not completely ruined.
And he had no idea.
“Have you ever thought about having kids of your own?” Miranda asked. He could see the instant regret in her eyes the moment the question slipped out. “I don’t mean to cross a line—”
He stopped her apology with a head tilt and an eyebrow waggle. “C’mon, Ran. You know you can ask me any question. I don’t have lines with you.”
She inhaled deeply and pressed lips together, her cheeks turning pink.
“I don’t think I’ll have kids of my own.” Carl answered honestly. “Thought about? Yeah. But I think I’d be a much better uncle than a dad.” He lifted his chin. “What about you?”
Her eyes rounded and he got the impression she hadn’t wanted to go this route. And yet there it was, right in front of them.
“I can’t have babies.” She said it so softly he almost didn’t hear her. She sighed, letting her shoulders drop a little. “Not of my own anyway.”
He studied her face and recognized the enormous vulnerability lurking in her eyes.
“How do you feel about that?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I found out a while ago and I’ve made my peace with it. Sometimes it feels weird and I have to give myself a minute. Not because I ever had plans for a big family, but not having the option feels very strange.”
He reached out and took hold of her hand. She squeezed it and shot him a shy smile.
So much about this woman reminded him of the girl he’d fallen for years ago. But there were also these little moments of revelation that felt like he was getting to see a side to her that maybe hadn’t existed in the past. A side of her that she’d fought for.
And Carl was very into it.
They both jolted slightly when someone knocked on the window beside them. Harrison and Sway had their faces nearly pressed to the glass and they were waving. Sway pointed up above their heads and Carl and Miranda looked up at the same time.
There above them, hung mistletoe.
“Kiss!” Harrison yelled through the window and Sway nodded emphatically.
“See,” Carl said to Miranda, “It’s shit like this that makes me feel like I’ve already done the dad thing, you know?”
She snorted a laugh and covered her mouth with her coffee mug.
“Go away, idiots,” Carl called through the window.
Harrison’s happy expression flattened.
Sway waved towards the front of the house. “Come see the lights!” he hollered.
“Wow, they’re already done? I’m impressed.” Miranda unfolded and stood.
“Let’s hold off on being impressed until we see if they’ve spelled anything inappropriate on the lawn.” He took her mug and set both of them on the counter.
She snorted a laugh.
That was also new.
The snort-laugh.
And it was so freaking adorable he could hardly take it.
She put her coat on and grinned at him. “They wouldn’t do that, would they?”
He reached past her for his coat. “You’ve met them, right?”
Another snort.
They put on their shoes and he followed her through the back door and around the side of the house.
The guys were down in the front part of the yard. Well, two of them. One of them was missing.
“Okay, do it,” Harrison said into his phone.
The house came alive with white lights.
Miranda gasped in awe and Carl nodded his approval.
They’d done very well. Which was kind of shocking.
“What do you think, Ran?” Harrison asked eagerly.
“I think it’s perfect. I can’t believe you guys got all those put up so quickly!”
“Gerard has a lot of it done. I just had to climb up there and make the right connections,” Sway explained.
“The roof is so high! Weren’t you afraid?” Miranda asked.
A little shiver rocked through her as she clutched her hands in front of her and Carl noticed she’d forgotten her mittens.
“I’m not afraid of heights.” Sway shrugged it off.
“It’s a disorder or something,” Harrison explained. “But it’s probably good you weren’t out here to see him running across the roof top like he was parkour Santa.”
“Good gravy,” Miranda muttered with another shiver.
Carl huffed a sigh and pulled her into his arms. She shoved her arms inside his open coat and burrowed close to chest.
“We need to get you back inside before you catch cold.” He muttered in her ear.
She nodded and he carefully walked them back towards the house.
“You need a better coat,” he observed once they made it back into the warmth of the kitchen.
“I like my coat,” she said glumly, hanging up the green peacoat that had seen better days. “But you’re right. The liner came out a while ago. It’s been on it’s last leg for a couple years now.”
Carl didn’t take his coat and boots off this time, instead hovering near the door.
“Are you going back outside?” she asked.
He thought about it and nodded slowly. Holding her just then had really messed up his faculties.
“I think I should get going, actually.” His voice sounded rough even to his own ears and he cleared his throat.
“Oh.” Disappointment washed over her features. She tried to clear it by forcing a smile. “Thank you for all your help today.”
He stepped toward her and caught her cheek in the palm of his hand. She turned into it slightly and he felt that hit his gut.
“Today was big,” he said quietly.
“Yeah,” she agreed, matching his serious tone.
“Did you know your eyes are my favorite? I could stare into these eyes forever.”
Her lips parted and his gaze dropped there for a beat.
This woman.
He would give anything to be with this woman.
Which was why he had to go.
Before he made declarations they weren’t ready for.
“I’ll see you again soon,” he said.
He brushed a thumb over the apple of her cheek. Then he let her go and left the house. The cold air was a welcome change from the warmth of her endearing gaze.
He didn’t want to leave—hated every step he took away from her—and that’s why he knew he needed to go.
If this remained, if these feelings they were feeling continued unhindered when they were apart, then maybe…
He took a deep breath and started the engine of his truck.
Maybe it really was a season of miracles.
Chapter 6
Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)
CARL
Carl parked his old Ford towards the back of the winding driveway.
He looked through the windshield at the large, sprawling farmhouse and grimaced.
Wha
t was he thinking?
He couldn't spend Christmas with his ex-girlfriend and her whole family.
He hadn't even taken the key out the ignition yet and was seriously considering turning the truck back on and hightailing it out of there.
But only because he hadn’t been around the big family in so long and there would be assumptions, and questions, and, well, he didn’t have a lot of answers yet.
All he knew was that he wanted to be around Miranda.
A bobbing large orange and red formation behind the house caught his eye. He let out a disgusted sigh and climbed out of his vehicle. He kicked the door closed behind him and stomped up the gravel drive towards the backyard.
The weather was unseasonably warm for New England and Carl was glad he wasn't fighting snow and ice as he trudged around the corner. When the full size of the bounce house came into view Carl let out a snort.
Would they ever grow up or were they destined to always be children?
“Carl!” Harrison had spotted him from inside the bounce house. His brown, curly hair was already sweaty from his activity. “Get in here!”
“No!” Carl snapped. “You idiots get out of that thing! What the hell is wrong with you? If Miranda gets here and you have this thing up, she's going to kill both of you!”
“Oh, she won't care that much! C'mon, Carl, let us have some fun.” Harrison slowly bounced to the opening and pouted at Carl.
“No, get out of there! You know how dangerous she thinks that thing is. Are you trying to ruin the whole holiday?” Carl felt his palms getting itchy and he reached into his pocket for his smokes but then remembered he'd left them home.
One more thing Miranda would have freaked out about.
“You need to lighten up, we're adults now,” Blake called from inside the vinyl and nylon structure.
“Adults in a freaking bounce house!” he pointed out, closing his eyes, trying to think of a solution to their ridiculous behavior.
Carl didn't understand a lot of things. He had no idea why Harrison and Blake had bought this thing years ago, but he suspected that Miranda hating it was the main reason.
He also didn't know why Miranda hated it so much. She just always had. She would go into an all-out tirade on the dangers and perils of being in a bounce house and all the negative side effects that bouncing in an unsafe structure for prolonged periods of time would cause. It would ruin the whole day. And if she knew that Carl had known about it, she would blame him as an accomplice.
And that meant they probably wouldn't be getting back together.
Carl wasn't even sure if reconciling with Miranda was what he wanted to do but he wanted that option. He sure as hell didn't want his one opportunity blown by these two dipshits.
He strode over to the blower, intent on shutting it down.
“We'll just blow it back up, Carl. Why don't you let your hair down and try to have some fun for once.” Blake heckled as he and Harrison giggled from the inside.
Carl paused and rethought his plan. He reached around to his side and unclasped the button on the holster of his buck knife. He unfolded the blade and made a deep puncture in the side of the house, dragging the knife all the way to the end of the structure. The air rushed out, blowing against his face.
Then he reached over and shut off the blower.
He suppressed his smile as Harrison and Blake scrambled from the rapidly deflating bounce house. They stood in silent shock as their silly endeavor lost its life right in front of them.
Finally, they turned to go back indoors. Harrison hung his head in sorrow and defeat, Blake patted him on the shoulder in consolation. As they walked past Carl, Blake turned towards him, giving his manager an icy stare.
“I hope you know you’ve ruined Christmas.”
“I can live with that.” Carl followed them into the main house.
And immediately regretted not preparing himself.
He’d let himself be distracted outside and part of him wondered if they had done that on purpose. To lure him into a false sense of security before trapping him in the magical house of overwhelming sights and sounds.
He turned to bolt back outside but he was grabbed by the upper arm and pulled into a bear hug.
Gerard, Miranda’s father, pounded him on the back.
“Carl! They said you’d be here, but I didn’t believe them!”
“Good to see you, sir,” Carl returned the hug.
Stella, Miranda’s mom came next. And one by one Carl was passed around the relatives. They all hugged him. Even the ones he’d never met before.
It was a lot to take in.
He finally made his way into the living room where the new tree stood tall, sparkling with lights and glitter.
“Coffee?”
Carl took the mug from Mike and sighed a thank you.
“I’m glad you didn’t back out,” Mike remarked.
“Did you guys take bets on me?” Carl asked.
“No, but we did have a plan to kidnap you later if you decided to chicken out.”
The idea should’ve bothered him. Or at least made him grumpy. But Carl was having difficulty hanging onto his scowl in the face of pure happiness and celebration.
“It’s been a very long time,” he said.
“Yeah,” Mike agreed, and Carl glanced at the drummer. “But we’re doing it. We’re moving forward.”
“You’ve gotta try this eggnog,” Sway joined them, handing Carl a small ceramic cup.
Carl eyed the contents warily.
“It’s Grandma Esther’s secret recipe but there’s no booze,” Sway whispered. “I watched her making it this morning, it’s basically all heavy cream and nutmeg.”
Carl snorted and took a sip. The inside of his mouth was instantly coated with a thick layer of cream. He couldn’t taste the nutmeg.
“Oh geez.” He washed it down with the coffee and cleared his throat. “That’s a heart attack in a glass.”
It’s not eggnog,” Sway stated. “It’s just nog. There’s not one egg in that recipe.”
Carl poured a little into his coffee mug and Mike and Sway watched with mutually shocked looks on their faces.
“What?” Carl shrugged. “It’s a holiday.”
The rest of the day was a whirlwind of sparkle and joy.
Kids ran through the house hopped up on sugar. Video games, board games, weird obscure games Carl was certain the O’Neil’s had invented were played. There was a never ending supply of food, cookies, and his personal favorite—coffee.
Carl didn’t really get to spend any one-on-one time with Miranda. But they would spot each other across the chaos and her smile was all he needed to reassure him that he was supposed to be there.
Then it was time to open gifts.
Carl had forgotten about the O’Neil tradition of opening presents on Christmas Eve night.
“I need to get some things out of the truck,” he excused himself and slipped his coat on.
He jogged down to the truck, loaded his arms full, and hiked back.
Someone opened the door for him and helped him set the gifts down so he could take off his coat and boots.
He was pleasantly surprised to find it was Miranda.
On impulse he hauled her into his arms, crushing her body to him as he buried his cold nose in the warmth of her neck. She squealed and tried to get away from the chill. He laughed and released her.
She pushed close to him and planted a kiss on his cheek. He frowned in confusion and she pointed to the mistletoe above them.
“Is it just me or is there a lot of mistletoe this year?” he asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
“Hmm.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully with a finger. “I did put Sway in charge of those.”
“Mystery solved.”
She smirked slightly, bringing out his favorite dimple, and arched an eyebrow.
Uh oh.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“I can’t promise I’ll answer,” he replied
.
“You destroyed the bounce house?”
“I did,” he confirmed with a slow blink.
She let out a sweet laugh. “Whatever for?”
“Because I thought you hated that thing and I didn’t want to wreck…”
He was saying too much.
Miranda’s eyebrows raised into her hairline. “You didn’t want to wreck what?”
“Our reconciliation,” he said slowly.
A flurry of thoughts cascaded across her face, but she settled on thoughtful.
“You thought I’d flip out.”
He didn’t answer because he didn’t have to.
Her smile turned sad and her eyes drifted out of focus. “People change, Carl. Sometimes we grow out of those bad behaviors.”
Her words hit something soft inside of him, leaving a bruise.
And all at once he realized that his overreaction had much more to do with what he hadn’t settled inside than anything she had ever said or done.
That was a horrifying and gross realization.
Here she was, working on herself, becoming exactly who she intended to be and where was Carl?
Ten steps behind.
And falling.
“Hey,” Mike came into the kitchen. “We’re doing presents. The kids are about to detonate.”
Miranda gathered some of the gifts and left the room. Carl did the same.
Present opening was mostly a free for all.
Everyone gathered, gifts were passed out. And then it was just a cloud of ribbons and paper.
Carl chose a spot near the band but not in the way.
He was the newcomer after all.
Miranda sat down beside him and handed him a stack of gifts.
“Ma found out you were coming and notified erryone via mass text. So I hope you like sweaters.”
Carl’s smile started small but stretched wider than usually as he went through the softness he’d received.
These people had always been like this with him. It didn’t matter that he’d been gone for years. They always made him feel like he could come back whenever he was ready.
Matter of Fact Page 7