“Conner…” I feel her small hand rest on my arm and my muscles untense. I glance over at her then back at the road through lowered eyebrows. She looks sad. Helpless. “I will tell you when I can but please understand that right now I just can’t, okay?”
I release another breath and my gaze softens. She’s obviously struggling with something and it seems like she wants to tell me.
“Fine. But at least just promise me that you aren’t in any kind of trouble or anything, right? Whatever is happening with you, you aren’t in danger are you?”
She gives a moment's pause before answering quietly, “No, I’m not in danger.” I look over at her but she’s not looking at me. Instead she’s staring down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers. “Conner, I really need you to just let this go. Okay? Can we please try to start over? I don’t want to get to work and have everyone asking me a million questions. Can you just act… normal?”
I’m still frustrated but I get it. Whatever it is she doesn’t want to share it with anyone, including me. “Yeah. I’ll try,” I answer, “But you are going to tell me what’s going on, right?”
“Yes! I promise. As soon as I can,” her voice lifts with her expression. She seems relieved.
“Alright, well then in that case, are you ready to do some babysitting today?”
She eyes me curiously. She must have forgotten.
“We’re doing the presentation at the school today.” I remind her.
“Ohh! Yeah, that’s right. I forgot. When do we have to be there?”
“In about an hour. Don’t worry. You’ve got time for your coffee.” I shoot her a grin and sideways glance and I watch her smile back at me.
****
We arrive at the elementary school early and a gray haired woman greets us.
“Good morning, Mr. Smoak.” Her tone is stern. She looks to Brooke, “Good morning, Miss Tyson.”
“Good morning, Mrs. Hadley,” Brooke and I answer together. Mrs. Hadley has been the principal here since we were in elementary school. I don’t think she ever liked me and even now she makes me nervous. I feel a wave of heat wash over me as her squinty, wrinkled eyes look me up and down. Her expression is serious and full of disgust.
“You’re early,” she points out in a disapproving tone. She is the only person on the planet who could make being early seem like a bad thing.
“Yes, Mrs. Hadley. We wanted to make sure we’d have time to unload all of our gear before the presentation,” Brooke answers. I remain silent. I don’t know how this frail old woman can still intimidate me like this even as a grown man. She looks back and forth at us as if trying to figure something out in her head.
“Fine,” she finally says, “take it through the back doors.”
“Okay. Thank you Mrs. Hadley,” Brooke replies cheerfully. But Mrs. Hadley just stares back at her.
“Damn, those eyes are as cold as her heart, huh?” I whisper to Brooke as we turn to walk away.
“Shhh… she’ll hear you, you idiot. See this is why she doesn’t like you,” she answers with a light chuckle, looking back at Mrs. Hadley and waving. We make it out the front door and get back into the truck. We drive around the back of the school and start unloading our gear through the doors Mrs. Hadley directed us to and into the auditorium.
Before long kids start rolling into the auditorium one line at a time. The kindergarteners come in first. You can tell they are kindergarteners because of how incredibly small they are and they are all entering the room with one finger over their mouths. Brooke and I stand on the small stage in our bunker gear and smile out at them. The kids appear to be getting a little bit bigger with each line that enters until the whole elementary school is squeezed into the seats. The teachers line up along the sides of the auditorium and look out at their students.
I turn back to Brooke and spot her smiling goofily at a small girl in the front row. I wonder for a moment what she’s thinking but then she starts to speak.
“Good morning everyone!” she says loudly and the murmurs from the students all grow silent. Brooke gives a brief introduction and starts her portion of the presentation where she holds up different pieces of gear and equipment and explains it to the kids. I watch her as she becomes more and more animated with her descriptions and the kids in the audience are loving it.
The longer I watch her the more my mind starts to drift. I wonder what our kids would look like. I entertain the thought for a moment and look through the kids in the audience trying to decide which one most resembles what mine and Brooke’s kid would look like. Until now I’ve never really thought about having kids but I’ve also never had anyone that I was interested in having kids with.
I spot a curly-haired blue eyed blonde sitting in the second row and a smile spreads on my face. That’s it. That would be our kid. The little boy has his eyes fixed on Brooke as she speaks but his body fidgets from side to side. He’s so tiny. He has to be one of the kindergarteners. I watch his eyes light up as she shows them the fire extinguisher and tells them that she is going to use it today.
“And now I’m going to let my partner take over to talk to you guys about what to do if you’re ever in a fire.” Her voice becomes serious and I hear a few small gasps from the audience. She turns to me, smiling. She looks like she’s having fun. She starts to walk in my direction. I feel around in my pocket and pull my phone and keys out and hand them to her as she passes me.
I introduce myself to the kids and start on my part of the presentation. Once my talking part is over it’s time for the fun part. “Okay. And now I’m going to show you what to do if you or your clothing ever catch on fire. You are going to have to practice this in your classroom later so make sure you’re paying attention okay?”
I hear several “okay’s” and see even more head nods from the audience before I continue. “First, you’re gonna STOP!” I shout and jump landing hard on both feet. “Then you’re gonna DROP!” I yell again and drop down to my stomach. “Last you’re gonna ROLL!” I yell as I roll quickly from side to side.” I hear a few kids laugh as I finish rolling and get back up to my feet. I show them one more time for good measure.
When I finish I glance over at Brooke and smile broadly at her. But she doesn’t look like she’s having fun anymore. Her expression is serious or maybe sad. It’s hard to tell but I gesture to her to join me at center stage and answer questions from the kids before she does the last bit of the presentation, the fire extinguisher demonstration.
She hands my keys and phone back off to me as I walk past her, moving off the stage to give her room for her last piece of the presentation. I stand off to the side and watch her for a moment. I feel my phone buzz in my hand and I look down at the screen. When I tilt it up an image of Rachel appears. Ahh shit. It’s a picture of her from the waist up and she’s topless. Below the picture is the start of a text, but I can only read part of it.
Hey baby. Can I see you a…
I shake my head and shove my phone into my pocket. Fuck.
Five
Brooke
I fight back the tears that try to build in my eyes. No, Brooke! Get your shit together. Don’t do it. This is certainly not the time or place for this. I go through the motions of using a fire extinguisher for the kids in the audience. I try to focus on what I’m doing. Anything to keep my mind off of the huge tits that just appeared across Conner’s screen. Oh and lets not forget the Hey baby. Can I see you a… What is the a…? Again? It’s probably again.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept with her while I was gone all week. I huff to myself as I continue going through the motions of the presentation. This is so typical of him. I don’t know why I’m acting surprised. This is who he is. It’s what he does. Plus, I told him to do this. This is what I wanted right? I feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. I’m so angry and yet I’m frustrated because I don’t have the right to be angry.
Ugh. I just wasn’t expecting this to hurt so bad. As the presentation ends the stu
dents all start to rise and clear out one line at a time. Conner comes back to meet me at center stage. I can’t be mad at him. That’s not fair. I can’t tell him that I can’t be with him then be mad at him for being with someone else. I give him a small smile as he approaches me.
“Brooke, can we talk quick?”
I look around and the room is almost cleared out. Oh no. I don’t want to talk about this. At least not right now. I don’t want him to feel like he has to explain himself to me.
“About what?” I answer nonchalantly.
He gives me a knowing look and before he can say anything I start, “Conner, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. That is your business,” I say holding up my hands as if they will block any information he’s about to share.
“But you don’t understand, Brooke. There’s nothing…”
“It’s really okay. Whatever it is. I’m glad it’s happening. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is what I said I wanted.” I say starting to back away from him.
“No. You’re not listening to me.”
“Look, I’ve gotta get to my first classroom for the meet and greet. Let’s talk after okay?” I say as I’m already out the door and in the hallway.
Once I’m finally out of his sight I let out a deep sigh of relief. Oh my God. Did I literally just run away from having a conversation with him? As I make my way through the small hallways I gather my thoughts. I’m not mad at him. I have no right to be. But it does hurt. Part of me was hoping that he would at least try to prove me wrong. At least try to prove to me that he loved me. I let my head drop to the floor as I walk slowly toward the kindergarten classroom.
Maybe this is a good thing. With the crazy threats happening right now maybe it’s best that we put some distance between us. It will make it easier for me to deal with him being with Rachel while also keeping him safe. He won’t be prying me for information and I won’t have to suck at hiding things from him. It’s a win, win, win. I know he didn’t believe my act this morning. Not even for a second. It’s probably best that we don’t spend time together.
I wipe a tear from my eye as it threatens to fall. I can’t do this to myself. I need to bury these emotions deep down inside where no one will see them. I inhale deeply, sucking back my tears with my breath as I enter the first classroom, smiling brightly and waving to the kids inside. A fake smile is plastered across my face.
I repeat this for the next two kindergarten classrooms, the next four first grade classrooms, and the next three second grade classrooms. As I get to the third grade hallway it looks like Conner has beaten me to them. He had started in fifth grade classrooms and worked his way down. I stand in the doorway of the classroom and watch Conner walk around answering questions and giving high fives to all the kids.
I watch quietly as one little girl towards the back of the room raises her hand and he calls on her. In a quiet and bashful voice she asks, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Giggles erupt throughout the classroom and the small girl's face turns bright red. A large smile appears on Conner’s face.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” he answers. I watch her face fall a little. I’m pretty sure I saw the young brunette teacher’s face fall with his response as well. I was a little surprised with his answer. I half expected him to make a joke about firemen getting all the ladies or something misogynistic.
It’s endearing to hear him say he has a girlfriend until I realize he must be talking about Rachel. Or maybe it’s Hope? The thought makes my heart sink into my stomach. I back slowly away from the doorway and wait in the hallway until he is done. That’s how it needs to be. I need to put some distance between us to keep him safe even if that means hurting him now. If he won’t stay at a distance I’ll have to figure out how to push him away.
****
Conner
We are all packed up and heading back to the station. I finally have Brooke alone and can explain the text from Rachel. I’m not sure why but I feel nervous. I glance over and she’s staring out the window. Probably trying her best not to make eye contact. I hate that she would rather torture herself with thoughts of me being with other women than to give us a chance. Does she fear me that much? Does she not trust me that much?
The thought creates a wrenching pain in the pit of my stomach. I don’t understand why she keeps denying that it bothers her. Then an idea hits me. Maybe if I can get her to admit that it bothers her to see me with other women I can get her to admit that it’s because she wants to be with me. We’ve only got a few minutes until we’re back at the station. If we’re going to talk about this I’ve got to do it now.
“Brooke…” I say breaking the silence that’s hanging thick in the air between us.
“Hhmmm,” she answers as if her mind were somewhere else and I just pulled her back to reality.
“I know you saw the message in my phone from Rachel.”
Her face flushes when I glance at her.
“Conner, it’s really okay. It’s not a big deal at all. I’m happy for you guys.” She’s happy for us? I can tell by her tone she doesn’t mean it. She’s upset and now she’s overcompensating. Being too nice about it.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. It was nothing.”
She lets out a patronizing chuckle and rolls her eyes at me. “I know, Conner. It’s always nothing with you.” I look over at her again this time a little annoyed and watch as she crosses her arms in front of her chest. What the fuck? We pull into the parking lot of the fire house.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” My tone is more forceful than I intend.
“Nothing. Look, I’m sorry. Really I am. I’m just all out of sorts today.” She covers her face with her hands and her voice is shakey. I suddenly feel guilty for snapping on her. I let out a sigh and tilt my head back on the headrest.
“Brooke, I don’t know what’s going on with you. And I really don’t know how to help. If you’re upset about the Rachel thing just tell me.”
I wait for her to admit that she’s mad.
“Conner, get over yourself. I’m not mad about the Rachel thing, okay? My world doesn’t revolve around you and the sleazy pieces of ass that you crawl into bed with.”
“Well you’re sure as hell acting mad!” I snap back. “Isn’t this what you wanted? What you told me to do?” I start to mock her, “Conner, go. Take Hope home with you. Conner, go fuck Rachel. I mean c’mon Brooke. What the hell do you want from me?”
My chest rises and falls as the adrenaline is pumping through my body. I want her to say it. I want her to admit that it makes her crazy to see me with other women. That she made a mistake and that she wants to be with me. Part of me wants to take a hold of her and kiss her hard and deep. To show her that she has nothing to worry about. To kiss away any doubts she has ever had in her mind about being with me.
I watch her intently waiting for her next move. She looks up at me. Her eyes are blazing with anger.
“I want you to leave me alone! That’s what I want from you. It was stupid of me to think we could still be friends after what happened. I knew it wasn’t going to work and I knew opening up to you would ruin everything there ever was between us. This…” she gestures to the two of us, “is never going to happen. Stop trying to protect me. Stop trying to win me over. Just stop everything!”
I stare back at her in silence and watch as her eyes begin to fill with tears. I can’t tell if they are coming from a place of sadness or anger. But her words cut through me like a knife and I know longer want to know which it is. I feel the hurt and rage filling inside me and I know I need to walk away. Without saying anything else I hop out of my truck and slam the door shut behind me. I walk around to the back of the fire house. I can’t go inside yet. I need time to myself.
Six
Brooke
Even as the words slip past my lips my heart tears into a million pieces but even that doesn’t hurt as badly as seeing the broken look on Conner’s face. I did it. I pushed him away and I hurt h
im. And now I hate myself for it. I slowly climb out of his truck and wrap my arms tightly around myself. I make my way inside and to the upstairs room, trying to fight back my tears the entire way.
I find a seat on the couch, tuck my legs up to my stomach, wrap my arms tightly around them, and stare at the floor. I can’t believe I just did that. But it needed to happen for more reasons than one. But the sting of seeing him with other women is a mere papercut in comparison to the thought of him being hurt because of his relationship with me. I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to him.
I feel a tear slip from my eye and roll down my cheek. After the first tear falls the rest follow. Before I know it my eyes are squeezed close tightly and I’m sobbing into my knees. I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts and sorrow that I don’t even hear Gabe walk in the room. But I jump as I feel him sit down on the couch next to me. My eyes peek out over my arms and see him staring back at me.
“You okay?” he asks calmly. His concern just makes me want to cry more.
“No,” I answer, shaking my head and start sobbing again. Gabe wraps an arm around me.
“Talk to me, Brooke. What’s going on?” The way he says it feels like he knew this conversation was bound to happen. Like it has been a long time coming. I sniffle as I lift my head from my arms.
“I don’t know what to do. I’ve made a mess of everything.” He stares back at me, waiting for me to continue. I need to be careful not to give anything away about the threats. Gabe would be in just as much danger as Conner. “I went off on Conner. I basically told him to stay away from me and stop caring about me because we’re never going to be together.”
“What makes you think that?” Gabe asks, his eyes narrow at me.
There's Danger: A Friends to Lovers Romance Page 4